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ds_flashfiction2003-05-18 09:27 pm
doll-revolution.livejournal.com) wrote in ds_flashfiction2003-05-18 09:27 pm
Entry tags:
i've been transformed. . .
after reading these stories, and i am off in a completely new direction, and isn't that cool? and just call me double-duty doll, why don't you? ^___^
Ray slowly turned around in the aisle, a look of a man mightily wronged firmly on his face. “So Frase,” he said grimly, “what fresh hell is this?”
Fraser quite visibly bit his tongue, let out a breath and said, “As I have already told you-- four separate times, I might add—we are picking up something for Mrs. Vecchio at the store.”
Ray waved a hand. “Yeah, yeah, I got that already. But I thought you meant something like, I don’t know, special oregano or sausage or something. Not,” Ray paused to look skeptically at the aisles of Home Depot, “not hardware.”
“Well, technically Ray, since we will be buying curtains, I don’t know if that can be classified as hardware.”
“Whoa, whoa!” Ray stopped dead and put his hands out on front of him, warding off the specter of curtains. “Do you mean we’re picking up some curtains that Ma already ordered, or are we going to have to pick them out ourselves?”
“Does it really make a difference, Ray?”
“Ah, jeez, Frase! Of course it does! If we’re just picking them up, okay, we’re whipped, but that’s okay ‘cause Ma’s old. But if we have to actually pick them out. . .” Ray trailed off and raised an eyebrow significantly.
Fraser raised his own eyebrow and made a ‘continue’ gesture with his hand.
Ray leaned in and lowered his voice. “If we have to pick them out? Two guys, choosing curtains? It’s kind of fruity there, Frase.”
Fraser nodded. “Ah, I see. Well, prepare to embrace your inner woman, Ray, because we will be choosing the curtains ourselves.”
Ray covered his face with his hands. “Fraser, Fraser, Fraser. You see, this right here is why I don’t like you talking to people by yourself.” He dropped his hands and glared. “What else did you sign us up for, huh? Interior decorating classes? Picking up Frannie’s tampons? What?”
Fraser rolled his eyes. “For god’s sake, Ray, we’re buying curtains, not a matching set of cock rings!”
Ray’s mouth dropped open. He snapped it shut, and shot nervous looks at the other customers, who were all quite studiously not looking at them. He grabbed Frase by the arm and pulled him over into the next aisle. “Shit, Frase, you do not say things like that in a family store!” He narrowed his eyes. “Do you even know what those are?”
Fraser pulled his arm from Ray’s grasp. “Of course I do! I am a member of the RC MP, which is an acronym for ‘Royal Canadian Mounted Police’, in case you’ve forgotten. Or do you somehow assume there’s no vice in Canada?”
Ray snorted. “Oh, yeah, those penguin pimps, how could I forget them?”
“Actually, Ray, penguins are indigenous to the—“ Fraser stopped himself. “That’s irrelevant at the moment. What is relevant: Toronto, Montreal, Winnipeg, Vancouver, Edmonton, Banff, Regina. Large cities, Ray, with their full complement of large city crime.”
“But, but,” Ray waved his arms about, “but when those chicks hit on you, when Frannie’s all oozing up against you, you don’t know what they’re talking about!”
“Really, Ray, I’m not mentally deficient! I merely act oblivious to spare them the pain of outright rejection. It’s a form a chivalry.”
Ray stared at Fraser intently, and then suddenly pointed two fingers at him. “You! You’re all Wizard of Oz-y!”
“I beg your pardon?”
“You know what I mean! ‘Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!’ And yeah, I knew you did it with other people, but now, well, you’re doing it with me, too, Frase, and that just ain’t buddies!”
Fraser began to nod slowly, and then stopped and shook his head. “I’m sorry, Ray, but I really have no idea of what you’re saying.”
“You do, too! You show the world that flaming wizard head Mountie Mask, but really you’re the Professor behind the curtain pulling all the levers. And the lever-pulling guy, I thought that was the real you, the you you showed only me, but now, now I find out you’re some cock ring-knowing Mountie behind another curtain, and I don’t even know you anymore. Jeez, how do I know you’re even my friend?”
Fraser sighed. “You know, Ray, perhaps you wouldn’t worry so much about appearing ‘fruity’ to complete strangers in Home Depot if you weren’t such the drama queen.”
Once again, Ray was speechless, but then suddenly, mercurially, he began to laugh. He canted out his hip, made the z-snap, and said, “Oh, do not go there, girlfriend!”
After a shocked, startled moment, Fraser joined him, both of them laughing so hard they stumbled into, and knocked over, the display for Ralph Lauren Fire Fox Red paint.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“. . .and that, Sir, is how Ray and I came to be arrested for public drunkenness and lewd behavior.” Fraser frowned. “Although in actuality, we were neither drunk nor lewd, so I feel confident that the charges will be dropped.”
Lieutenant Welsh just shook his head. “I was at home, watching the Cubs. I had beer.” He sighed sadly, shaking his head again, opening the door to the holding cell. “Go forth, gentlemen, and sin no more.” He watched with a jaundiced eye as Ray and Fraser sidled out of the cell, not meeting his eyes. “Your predictions were correct, Constable. You and the Boy Wonder there are free to go.”
Ray raised his head. “Lieu, I got to say—“
Welsh shook his head, and put his hand in front of Ray’s face. “Talk to the hand, boys. Talk to the hand.”
Fraser and Ray sniggered, walking out of the jail in tandem, their shoulders bumping every other step. Welsh watched them leave, and then rolled his eyes. “Oh, yeah, they’re not gay.” He snorted, and went back home to his ball game.
974 words
Ray slowly turned around in the aisle, a look of a man mightily wronged firmly on his face. “So Frase,” he said grimly, “what fresh hell is this?”
Fraser quite visibly bit his tongue, let out a breath and said, “As I have already told you-- four separate times, I might add—we are picking up something for Mrs. Vecchio at the store.”
Ray waved a hand. “Yeah, yeah, I got that already. But I thought you meant something like, I don’t know, special oregano or sausage or something. Not,” Ray paused to look skeptically at the aisles of Home Depot, “not hardware.”
“Well, technically Ray, since we will be buying curtains, I don’t know if that can be classified as hardware.”
“Whoa, whoa!” Ray stopped dead and put his hands out on front of him, warding off the specter of curtains. “Do you mean we’re picking up some curtains that Ma already ordered, or are we going to have to pick them out ourselves?”
“Does it really make a difference, Ray?”
“Ah, jeez, Frase! Of course it does! If we’re just picking them up, okay, we’re whipped, but that’s okay ‘cause Ma’s old. But if we have to actually pick them out. . .” Ray trailed off and raised an eyebrow significantly.
Fraser raised his own eyebrow and made a ‘continue’ gesture with his hand.
Ray leaned in and lowered his voice. “If we have to pick them out? Two guys, choosing curtains? It’s kind of fruity there, Frase.”
Fraser nodded. “Ah, I see. Well, prepare to embrace your inner woman, Ray, because we will be choosing the curtains ourselves.”
Ray covered his face with his hands. “Fraser, Fraser, Fraser. You see, this right here is why I don’t like you talking to people by yourself.” He dropped his hands and glared. “What else did you sign us up for, huh? Interior decorating classes? Picking up Frannie’s tampons? What?”
Fraser rolled his eyes. “For god’s sake, Ray, we’re buying curtains, not a matching set of cock rings!”
Ray’s mouth dropped open. He snapped it shut, and shot nervous looks at the other customers, who were all quite studiously not looking at them. He grabbed Frase by the arm and pulled him over into the next aisle. “Shit, Frase, you do not say things like that in a family store!” He narrowed his eyes. “Do you even know what those are?”
Fraser pulled his arm from Ray’s grasp. “Of course I do! I am a member of the RC MP, which is an acronym for ‘Royal Canadian Mounted Police’, in case you’ve forgotten. Or do you somehow assume there’s no vice in Canada?”
Ray snorted. “Oh, yeah, those penguin pimps, how could I forget them?”
“Actually, Ray, penguins are indigenous to the—“ Fraser stopped himself. “That’s irrelevant at the moment. What is relevant: Toronto, Montreal, Winnipeg, Vancouver, Edmonton, Banff, Regina. Large cities, Ray, with their full complement of large city crime.”
“But, but,” Ray waved his arms about, “but when those chicks hit on you, when Frannie’s all oozing up against you, you don’t know what they’re talking about!”
“Really, Ray, I’m not mentally deficient! I merely act oblivious to spare them the pain of outright rejection. It’s a form a chivalry.”
Ray stared at Fraser intently, and then suddenly pointed two fingers at him. “You! You’re all Wizard of Oz-y!”
“I beg your pardon?”
“You know what I mean! ‘Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!’ And yeah, I knew you did it with other people, but now, well, you’re doing it with me, too, Frase, and that just ain’t buddies!”
Fraser began to nod slowly, and then stopped and shook his head. “I’m sorry, Ray, but I really have no idea of what you’re saying.”
“You do, too! You show the world that flaming wizard head Mountie Mask, but really you’re the Professor behind the curtain pulling all the levers. And the lever-pulling guy, I thought that was the real you, the you you showed only me, but now, now I find out you’re some cock ring-knowing Mountie behind another curtain, and I don’t even know you anymore. Jeez, how do I know you’re even my friend?”
Fraser sighed. “You know, Ray, perhaps you wouldn’t worry so much about appearing ‘fruity’ to complete strangers in Home Depot if you weren’t such the drama queen.”
Once again, Ray was speechless, but then suddenly, mercurially, he began to laugh. He canted out his hip, made the z-snap, and said, “Oh, do not go there, girlfriend!”
After a shocked, startled moment, Fraser joined him, both of them laughing so hard they stumbled into, and knocked over, the display for Ralph Lauren Fire Fox Red paint.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“. . .and that, Sir, is how Ray and I came to be arrested for public drunkenness and lewd behavior.” Fraser frowned. “Although in actuality, we were neither drunk nor lewd, so I feel confident that the charges will be dropped.”
Lieutenant Welsh just shook his head. “I was at home, watching the Cubs. I had beer.” He sighed sadly, shaking his head again, opening the door to the holding cell. “Go forth, gentlemen, and sin no more.” He watched with a jaundiced eye as Ray and Fraser sidled out of the cell, not meeting his eyes. “Your predictions were correct, Constable. You and the Boy Wonder there are free to go.”
Ray raised his head. “Lieu, I got to say—“
Welsh shook his head, and put his hand in front of Ray’s face. “Talk to the hand, boys. Talk to the hand.”
Fraser and Ray sniggered, walking out of the jail in tandem, their shoulders bumping every other step. Welsh watched them leave, and then rolled his eyes. “Oh, yeah, they’re not gay.” He snorted, and went back home to his ball game.
974 words
laughing.so.hard
HomoHome Depot the same way again.Re: laughing.so.hard
YAY! we're brain twins! ^__^
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"walking out of the jail in tandem", in fucking tandem!!
how the hell do you edi this thing, anyway???
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i'm going to go home now, and slap myself in the head. several times.
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Oh. lord, how I love this! It's gorgeous. It's just hilarious and though it contains cock rings and drama queens it still sounds like THEM. How did you do that???
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:::shrugs shoulders::: i don't know how i make it sound like them. i watch the eps a lot, i read a lot of speranza?
thanks!
In commentary....
Today I came across your response to the 'Curtains' challenge of May, 2003 -- after having spent about 4 hours in the
HomoHomeDepot today.I cannot tell you how glad I am I read this --
and how glad I am I did -NOT- read it before I went pursuing petunias.
--Shrewkate
Re: In commentary....
it's always nice to hear from people - glad you enjoyed it!
yeah, it kinda warps the whole depor experience, doesn't it? *weg*
Hand
(Anonymous) 2003-05-18 10:45 pm (UTC)(link)Brenda
Re: Hand
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snerk. Too good, doll. *hugs*
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((((bast)))
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who's going to bug me to post on the HS board if you're dead?
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And - Winnipeg made the list! Ahead of Vancouver, even (not that it was in descending order or anything, but that's not the point)!
now I find out you’re some cock ring-knowing Mountie behind another curtain
Yes. That's *exactly* what he is. And I'm quite proud of him for the "matching set of cock rings" comment to begin with. Power to you, girlfriend! ;)
And Welsh? Welsh kills me. . “Oh, yeah, they’re not gay.”
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hey! winnipeg is forever dear to my heart, being the canadian city closest to me, and all.
and fraser? i bet, deep in his heart, he's all about the cock ring.
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Hee! I'm in love.
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ouch i've either just hurt my brain, or intrigued it, i don't know which.
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(Anonymous) 2003-05-19 09:18 am (UTC)(link)Hey, if we ever meet, you can show me the z-snap, cause I have no *idea* what the hell it is.
Karen
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when anton would do the man movie review, he would do the z-snap. you know, you snap three times while moving your hand in a z-shape, starting up by your head, and ending up by your waist. you also kind of twitch your head from side to side.
very popular -at least back in the day in my neighborhood- with black girls, hispanic girls, and gay men.
maybe with some pursed-lip humming as well? 'mm, mm, mm, you know it, girl!'
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wouldn't it be great if we ruled the universe, and speranza and cmshaw and resonant and kellie mathews and all of us were the ones who wrote the eps?
:::sigh::: in my happy place now.
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personally, when people at work as me what i'm laughing at, i just say 'gay man-on-man porn', and they never believe me, and they Go Away. YAY
hee!
Re: hee!
ray's got enough attitude for three bitchy queens! you know he'd be flaunting it.
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*Small scrawled note found next to the body : "Home Depot. Welsh" The cats have no idea what to make of it."
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