Mendacity Challenge - Keys
Aug. 27th, 2003 06:52 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
chesamus.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
ds_flashfictionJust under the wire, I hope (but only because the wire stretches pretty well). About 1290 words. It’s been sitting on my hard drive for awhile, but I realized it fit the challenge so away it goes. Angst city, but there you have it.
Keys
In the end, he knew he had no choice but to go. He could not live with himself, and certainly he could not live with Ray. Days, weeks, passed, and the events crystallized in his brain. The hand that had traced a beloved jaw felt only a trigger being squeezed. Instead of Ray’s musk, only the smell of the cordite as it ignited filled the air. A lover’s moan had been supplanted by the scream of bullet hitting bone. The taste in his mouth was bitter, and he believed the visions he saw - whether sleeping or awake - would eventually drive him mad. He’d killed a man.
Ray, of course, knew the mountie better than he knew himself. It was pretty damn obvious Fraser was allowing misplaced guilt and duty to eat him alive. Ray also realized he could not offer comfort in any way that Fraser would accept. Bowing to the inevitable, he made what preparations he could and waited.
********
The day Fraser left started quite unlike the previous twenty-two. Ray usually wallowed while Fraser took his run with Dief, and then got coffee, tea, and toast ready while Fraser prepared for work. This morning, Fraser did not get up before the alarm, did not pull on his sweats and drag his animal companion out into the autumn pre-dawn chill. Instead he pulled the blankets up tight around his neck and, pleading a headache, asked Ray to take Dief for his run.
Ray knew then that the time had come - what surprised him though, was that Fraser was planning on leaving Dief with him. He complied with the unusual request by dressing quickly and rousting Dief from the armchair that had become his bed. Silently, he made his way back to the bedroom and sat down beside his lover.
“Ben, you don’t have a headache.“
“Ray...”
“No Ben, you don’t say anything.” He pulled a hand free from the tightly clenched blanket and pressed an envelope into it. “You just listen, OK?”
“Ray...”
Just listen!” Ray repeated, “I know you gotta go. You’re practically buzzing with it. I just need you to - listen, you go do what you have to do to get your head back on. Take as long as you need. But you come back here when you’re done. You know you got a home here with me an’ Dief. And as long as you take, we’ll be here when you get back.”
“Ray...”
“Ben - “ Ray’s voice was surprisingly steady, in spite of the tears that blinded him. “Ben, I love you, and you didn’t do nothin’ and you can’t do nothin’ to change that. But you need to take care of yourself before we can make things work.”
“Ray, please...” The voice was rough with despair.
Ray ignored it. He moved off the bed and reached for the stetson which held pride of place on the dresser. Turning it over, he tucked a key into the hatband.
“That key will always work, Ben. I don’t care if it’s next month or next year, or ten years down the road. I love you, an’ I’ll wait as long as it takes.” Ray dropped the hat on Fraser’s hip, then bent over and kissed his brow. “I promise I’ll take good care of Dief, OK?”
Ray walked out of the bedroom without looking back. After a mournful howl, Dief followed him.
Inside the envelope was a pre-paid phone card and three Greyhound North America Discovery Passes. Fraser never used the one. He spent the next six months using the others.
********
Fraser came back with the spring. Chicago hadn’t changed, Ray’s building hadn’t changed, and Fraser prayed that Ray hadn’t either. He walked up the stairs to Ray’s apartment. Making his way to the home they shared, he dropped his knapsack and pulled the key from his stetson.
Fraser reached for the door and realized something had changed - the lock was new. The key he held in his hand fit a Yale lock. The gleaming bronze deadbolt was a Schlage.
He stood there motionless, hand outstretched, eyes not able to make the connection. He slid the key into the opening - it didn’t fit. It. Didn’t. Fit. He tried it again and again, but failed with every attempt. Leaning his back against the wall, Ben tried to wrap his head around two realities completely at odds with each other. Ray said the key would always work, the lock clearly said it didn’t. Ray wouldn’t lie to him. The lock couldn’t. Fraser slid slowly down the wall, gripping the key so tightly it broke the skin. Ray said it would work...
********
Dief found Fraser slumped against the door two hours later. He’d raced up the stairs well ahead of Ray, and was barking, licking, and prancing around his favorite human.
“Ben! Dear God, Ben!” Ray dropped to his knees next to his lover, who hadn’t moved even under Dief’s frantic ministrations. Ray was frantic, too. Ben looked worse than he had when he left. “Ben, babe, please. Are you hurt?”
Ray ran a detective’s keen eye over the still form. No visible injuries, no new scars, just a hand clenched so tightly the knuckles were white. “Ben, please, you’re scaring me here! Talk to me, OK?” Dief added his pleas to Ray’s with quiet woofs and whimpers, burying his muzzle under Ben’s arm.
Finally, Ben shifted, straightening his right arm and holding the clenched fist out to Ray. He tried to open it, but the fingers refused to move.
“You said it would work.” There was no inflection in his voice, which made it even more painful to hear. “You said...” The arm dropped like a lead weight to the floor.
“Ah, damn. Ben, Ben, there was a break-in, OK? The Moldovis - they were looking for my case notes.”
“But - you said it would work.”
“They busted the lock - into about a million pieces. The lock guy couldn’t get a a new one to fit my keys ‘cause he said mine was older than God, or something.” Ray sat on the floor and tried to catch Ben’s eyes.”I got new keys made, Ben, and I left them for you everywhere. There’s one at the consulate, and I sent one to Frobisher, and Maggie, and Turnbull, and the Ice Queen. Dief has one on his collar. I mailed one to you in care of general delivery at Inuvik.” Ray sounded like he was reading a mental checklist. “I gave one to Frannie, and one to Lt Welsh - I even sent one to Vecchio.”
Now that finally got a reaction. “You sent one to Ray Vecchio?” Life appeared in those eyes.
“Yeah, but I can’t guarantee he didn’t flush it down the toilet. He - um, wasn’t exactly happy with me letting you go like that.”
“I had to go, Ray.” Fraser was adamant. “I needed to know if I could live with myself.”
“Can you, Ben? Can you live with me?” Ray massaged the hand open.
Ben used that hand to trace a beloved jaw and felt stubble, not a trigger. “I did the right thing, Ray, whatever the reasons that drove me to it. Had I hesitated, he surely would have killed you.”
“Are you saying that ‘cause you know that’s what I want to hear, or do you really believe that?”
“I wouldn’t lie to you, Ray.” Fraser ruffled the hair on Dief’s neck, then slipped his hands around the collar and removed the key hanging there. He held it tightly in his hand. It hurt, but in a good way. He eased his cramped body upright and used the key to open the door.
Ray grabbed the knapsack and followed him in. “I wouldn’t lie to you, either, Ben.”
“I know.”
Keys
In the end, he knew he had no choice but to go. He could not live with himself, and certainly he could not live with Ray. Days, weeks, passed, and the events crystallized in his brain. The hand that had traced a beloved jaw felt only a trigger being squeezed. Instead of Ray’s musk, only the smell of the cordite as it ignited filled the air. A lover’s moan had been supplanted by the scream of bullet hitting bone. The taste in his mouth was bitter, and he believed the visions he saw - whether sleeping or awake - would eventually drive him mad. He’d killed a man.
Ray, of course, knew the mountie better than he knew himself. It was pretty damn obvious Fraser was allowing misplaced guilt and duty to eat him alive. Ray also realized he could not offer comfort in any way that Fraser would accept. Bowing to the inevitable, he made what preparations he could and waited.
********
The day Fraser left started quite unlike the previous twenty-two. Ray usually wallowed while Fraser took his run with Dief, and then got coffee, tea, and toast ready while Fraser prepared for work. This morning, Fraser did not get up before the alarm, did not pull on his sweats and drag his animal companion out into the autumn pre-dawn chill. Instead he pulled the blankets up tight around his neck and, pleading a headache, asked Ray to take Dief for his run.
Ray knew then that the time had come - what surprised him though, was that Fraser was planning on leaving Dief with him. He complied with the unusual request by dressing quickly and rousting Dief from the armchair that had become his bed. Silently, he made his way back to the bedroom and sat down beside his lover.
“Ben, you don’t have a headache.“
“Ray...”
“No Ben, you don’t say anything.” He pulled a hand free from the tightly clenched blanket and pressed an envelope into it. “You just listen, OK?”
“Ray...”
Just listen!” Ray repeated, “I know you gotta go. You’re practically buzzing with it. I just need you to - listen, you go do what you have to do to get your head back on. Take as long as you need. But you come back here when you’re done. You know you got a home here with me an’ Dief. And as long as you take, we’ll be here when you get back.”
“Ray...”
“Ben - “ Ray’s voice was surprisingly steady, in spite of the tears that blinded him. “Ben, I love you, and you didn’t do nothin’ and you can’t do nothin’ to change that. But you need to take care of yourself before we can make things work.”
“Ray, please...” The voice was rough with despair.
Ray ignored it. He moved off the bed and reached for the stetson which held pride of place on the dresser. Turning it over, he tucked a key into the hatband.
“That key will always work, Ben. I don’t care if it’s next month or next year, or ten years down the road. I love you, an’ I’ll wait as long as it takes.” Ray dropped the hat on Fraser’s hip, then bent over and kissed his brow. “I promise I’ll take good care of Dief, OK?”
Ray walked out of the bedroom without looking back. After a mournful howl, Dief followed him.
Inside the envelope was a pre-paid phone card and three Greyhound North America Discovery Passes. Fraser never used the one. He spent the next six months using the others.
********
Fraser came back with the spring. Chicago hadn’t changed, Ray’s building hadn’t changed, and Fraser prayed that Ray hadn’t either. He walked up the stairs to Ray’s apartment. Making his way to the home they shared, he dropped his knapsack and pulled the key from his stetson.
Fraser reached for the door and realized something had changed - the lock was new. The key he held in his hand fit a Yale lock. The gleaming bronze deadbolt was a Schlage.
He stood there motionless, hand outstretched, eyes not able to make the connection. He slid the key into the opening - it didn’t fit. It. Didn’t. Fit. He tried it again and again, but failed with every attempt. Leaning his back against the wall, Ben tried to wrap his head around two realities completely at odds with each other. Ray said the key would always work, the lock clearly said it didn’t. Ray wouldn’t lie to him. The lock couldn’t. Fraser slid slowly down the wall, gripping the key so tightly it broke the skin. Ray said it would work...
********
Dief found Fraser slumped against the door two hours later. He’d raced up the stairs well ahead of Ray, and was barking, licking, and prancing around his favorite human.
“Ben! Dear God, Ben!” Ray dropped to his knees next to his lover, who hadn’t moved even under Dief’s frantic ministrations. Ray was frantic, too. Ben looked worse than he had when he left. “Ben, babe, please. Are you hurt?”
Ray ran a detective’s keen eye over the still form. No visible injuries, no new scars, just a hand clenched so tightly the knuckles were white. “Ben, please, you’re scaring me here! Talk to me, OK?” Dief added his pleas to Ray’s with quiet woofs and whimpers, burying his muzzle under Ben’s arm.
Finally, Ben shifted, straightening his right arm and holding the clenched fist out to Ray. He tried to open it, but the fingers refused to move.
“You said it would work.” There was no inflection in his voice, which made it even more painful to hear. “You said...” The arm dropped like a lead weight to the floor.
“Ah, damn. Ben, Ben, there was a break-in, OK? The Moldovis - they were looking for my case notes.”
“But - you said it would work.”
“They busted the lock - into about a million pieces. The lock guy couldn’t get a a new one to fit my keys ‘cause he said mine was older than God, or something.” Ray sat on the floor and tried to catch Ben’s eyes.”I got new keys made, Ben, and I left them for you everywhere. There’s one at the consulate, and I sent one to Frobisher, and Maggie, and Turnbull, and the Ice Queen. Dief has one on his collar. I mailed one to you in care of general delivery at Inuvik.” Ray sounded like he was reading a mental checklist. “I gave one to Frannie, and one to Lt Welsh - I even sent one to Vecchio.”
Now that finally got a reaction. “You sent one to Ray Vecchio?” Life appeared in those eyes.
“Yeah, but I can’t guarantee he didn’t flush it down the toilet. He - um, wasn’t exactly happy with me letting you go like that.”
“I had to go, Ray.” Fraser was adamant. “I needed to know if I could live with myself.”
“Can you, Ben? Can you live with me?” Ray massaged the hand open.
Ben used that hand to trace a beloved jaw and felt stubble, not a trigger. “I did the right thing, Ray, whatever the reasons that drove me to it. Had I hesitated, he surely would have killed you.”
“Are you saying that ‘cause you know that’s what I want to hear, or do you really believe that?”
“I wouldn’t lie to you, Ray.” Fraser ruffled the hair on Dief’s neck, then slipped his hands around the collar and removed the key hanging there. He held it tightly in his hand. It hurt, but in a good way. He eased his cramped body upright and used the key to open the door.
Ray grabbed the knapsack and followed him in. “I wouldn’t lie to you, either, Ben.”
“I know.”
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