why Mounties shouldn't ever drink
Oct. 8th, 2003 04:38 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
wildmachinery.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
ds_flashfictionApparently, this is my week to do stupid things, like post this bit of ridiculousness. Please don't lynch me.
800 words.
Disarray
"Ren!" Ray scrubbed at his temples, cracked his knuckles, clenched his jaw, and pounded on the door with his fists. "Ren, open the damn door!"
"I don't think he's coming out, Ray."
Ray whirled around to face me, gesturing wildly. "Oh, he is going to come out, Fraser." He slammed his fist into the slightly warped wood. "He's going to come out because this is my apartment," bang, "and my bathroom," bang, "and I need to get in there and, Ren, this is ridiculous!" Ray turned and shouted the last into the door itself.
Turnbull's voice was muffled by the door as he shouted back. "It is not ridiculous!"
"Look, Ren, just because you woke up ... like ..." Ray rubbed one hand roughly through his hair; it stood up in thick, messy, little-boy spikes. "Like that," he said grimly, "it does not mean that-"
"As I recall," Turnbull yelled, "it was not only me that awoke in that ... scandalous situation." Ray winced. "I will not presume to speak for Constable Fraser, but I believe that he would join me in asserting that both he and you, Ray, were equally en deshabille; at least, if not more, to the extent that I was."
Ray looked at me. "En deshabille?"
I shook my head. "Never mind, Ray."
Ray looked as though he were about to pull out his hair by the roots. "Ok. Ok. I can understand this. I mean, it's not the best response to waking up with me that I've ever gotten, but I can understand this." He pounded the door once more. "Y'hear that, Ren? I understand your position! Now open the goddamn door so I can get at my aspirin, I've got a hangover that'd kill a mule!"
I sighed and longed for some aspirin myself. "He's just a bit unnerved, Ray. It's perfectly natural and understandable."
"I know it's understandable, Fraser, I just said I understand it. And if it's so natural, how come you're not hiding out in the bathroom?"
"If Turnbull hadn't been in there with the door locked before I'd even gotten out of bed, I might have taken that option."
Ray blinked. I suddenly remembered that I was standing before him with only my boxers for company and retreated back into the bedroom to find something more sartorially substantial.
Ray followed me, staring at his feet as I pulled on what I was relatively sure were my jeans and a t-shirt that I sincerely hoped wasn't Turnbull's. I gave up the search for my socks and sat gingerly on the edge of the bed, holding an aching head that I wished wasn't mine in my hands. "How did this happen, Ray?"
"You want me to explain the mechanics?"
"You know what I mean!" Shouting hurt my head. "What were we doing, Ray? What were we thinking?"
"We had a few beers," he said. I couldn't look at him. "At least, me and you had a few beers. Your countryman just can't hold his alcohol. And while we were having our few beers, we watched a hockey game, which is apparently the Canadian version of porn, because next thing I know, Ren's in my lap and you're mangling my shirt, and then none of us had any clothes and we were all in here-"
"God!" I choked.
"-and it was really amazingly good, except now I've got one Mountie locked in the bathroom and one out here who hates my guts and I feel like shit."
"As you should, Ray." I threw a pillow at his head, none too gently. "And I don't hate your guts, as you say. It's just a bit of a shock to wake up expecting to see you and coming face-to-face with Constable Turnbull."
"Creepy?"
"That's a bit harsh, Ray." He shrugged unapologetically. "Unnerving, perhaps."
"I thought Ren was the unnerved one." I glared at him; he wilted somewhat. "Ok, you're both unnerved." He suddenly looked up at me with a familiar gleam in his eyes. "I don't suppose ..."
"Absolutely not. The man drank your beer, and now he's in your washroom. You deal with him."
With that, I decamped to the living room to look for my socks in earnest. Ray's voice followed me out. "So does that mean no more threesomes?"
A low groan escaped me, and a steady thumping noise suddenly arose from the washroom, as if a forehead was being rhythmically driven against a wall. Hopefully, Ray would find the key to that door before Turnbull - Renfield, damn it - incurred permanent damage. I jammed my sneakers onto my bare feet, snatched my jacket off the hook by the door, and tried not to slam the door on my way out. Pummeling Ray would have to wait until later.
Perhaps after I found some aspirin.
-end-
800 words.
Disarray
"Ren!" Ray scrubbed at his temples, cracked his knuckles, clenched his jaw, and pounded on the door with his fists. "Ren, open the damn door!"
"I don't think he's coming out, Ray."
Ray whirled around to face me, gesturing wildly. "Oh, he is going to come out, Fraser." He slammed his fist into the slightly warped wood. "He's going to come out because this is my apartment," bang, "and my bathroom," bang, "and I need to get in there and, Ren, this is ridiculous!" Ray turned and shouted the last into the door itself.
Turnbull's voice was muffled by the door as he shouted back. "It is not ridiculous!"
"Look, Ren, just because you woke up ... like ..." Ray rubbed one hand roughly through his hair; it stood up in thick, messy, little-boy spikes. "Like that," he said grimly, "it does not mean that-"
"As I recall," Turnbull yelled, "it was not only me that awoke in that ... scandalous situation." Ray winced. "I will not presume to speak for Constable Fraser, but I believe that he would join me in asserting that both he and you, Ray, were equally en deshabille; at least, if not more, to the extent that I was."
Ray looked at me. "En deshabille?"
I shook my head. "Never mind, Ray."
Ray looked as though he were about to pull out his hair by the roots. "Ok. Ok. I can understand this. I mean, it's not the best response to waking up with me that I've ever gotten, but I can understand this." He pounded the door once more. "Y'hear that, Ren? I understand your position! Now open the goddamn door so I can get at my aspirin, I've got a hangover that'd kill a mule!"
I sighed and longed for some aspirin myself. "He's just a bit unnerved, Ray. It's perfectly natural and understandable."
"I know it's understandable, Fraser, I just said I understand it. And if it's so natural, how come you're not hiding out in the bathroom?"
"If Turnbull hadn't been in there with the door locked before I'd even gotten out of bed, I might have taken that option."
Ray blinked. I suddenly remembered that I was standing before him with only my boxers for company and retreated back into the bedroom to find something more sartorially substantial.
Ray followed me, staring at his feet as I pulled on what I was relatively sure were my jeans and a t-shirt that I sincerely hoped wasn't Turnbull's. I gave up the search for my socks and sat gingerly on the edge of the bed, holding an aching head that I wished wasn't mine in my hands. "How did this happen, Ray?"
"You want me to explain the mechanics?"
"You know what I mean!" Shouting hurt my head. "What were we doing, Ray? What were we thinking?"
"We had a few beers," he said. I couldn't look at him. "At least, me and you had a few beers. Your countryman just can't hold his alcohol. And while we were having our few beers, we watched a hockey game, which is apparently the Canadian version of porn, because next thing I know, Ren's in my lap and you're mangling my shirt, and then none of us had any clothes and we were all in here-"
"God!" I choked.
"-and it was really amazingly good, except now I've got one Mountie locked in the bathroom and one out here who hates my guts and I feel like shit."
"As you should, Ray." I threw a pillow at his head, none too gently. "And I don't hate your guts, as you say. It's just a bit of a shock to wake up expecting to see you and coming face-to-face with Constable Turnbull."
"Creepy?"
"That's a bit harsh, Ray." He shrugged unapologetically. "Unnerving, perhaps."
"I thought Ren was the unnerved one." I glared at him; he wilted somewhat. "Ok, you're both unnerved." He suddenly looked up at me with a familiar gleam in his eyes. "I don't suppose ..."
"Absolutely not. The man drank your beer, and now he's in your washroom. You deal with him."
With that, I decamped to the living room to look for my socks in earnest. Ray's voice followed me out. "So does that mean no more threesomes?"
A low groan escaped me, and a steady thumping noise suddenly arose from the washroom, as if a forehead was being rhythmically driven against a wall. Hopefully, Ray would find the key to that door before Turnbull - Renfield, damn it - incurred permanent damage. I jammed my sneakers onto my bare feet, snatched my jacket off the hook by the door, and tried not to slam the door on my way out. Pummeling Ray would have to wait until later.
Perhaps after I found some aspirin.
-end-
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no subject
Date: 2003-10-08 09:00 am (UTC)I've been out of dS fandom for a while, but ficlets like this just pull me right back in *g*
good one!
tssk
Date: 2003-10-08 10:45 am (UTC):-)
no subject
Date: 2003-10-08 11:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-08 11:53 am (UTC)Aw, does he have too? I mean talk about turning your back on the promised land...
no subject
Date: 2003-10-08 12:16 pm (UTC)"So does that mean no more threesomes?"
A low groan escaped me, and a steady thumping noise suddenly arose from the washroom, as if a forehead was being rhythmically driven against a wall.
What a great way to start the day!
no subject
Date: 2003-10-08 01:10 pm (UTC)And while we were having our few beers, we watched a hockey game, which is apparently the Canadian version of porn, because next thing I know, Ren's in my lap and you're mangling my shirt, and then none of us had any clothes and we were all in here-"
Too, too damn amusing.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-08 02:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-08 08:08 pm (UTC)I love the way it turns after this line: "What were we doing, Ray? What were we thinking?"
Because before that point, I thought the collective freakout was because neither Fraser nor Turnbull could deal with the m/m thing; and after that point I realized that the issue was actually the 3some, since Ray and Fraser obviously had something going on before that. :-) Lovely!!
no subject
Date: 2003-10-08 08:50 pm (UTC)I just hope Ray eventually got the door unlocked! *g*
no subject
Date: 2003-10-08 10:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-09 01:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-09 04:36 am (UTC)Ray followed me, staring at his feet as I pulled on what I was relatively sure were my jeans and a t-shirt that I sincerely hoped wasn't Turnbull's.
*giggle*
no subject
Date: 2003-10-09 03:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-10 05:08 am (UTC)Re: tssk
Date: 2003-10-10 05:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-10 05:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-10 05:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-10 05:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-10 05:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-10 05:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-10 05:16 am (UTC)BTW: Love. That. Icon.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-10 05:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-10 05:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-10 05:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-10 05:19 am (UTC)