ds_flashfiction | Diary Challenge by Aingeal (Reply)

Title: Pages from Ray Vecchio's Journal aka Catharsis
By: Aingeal
Pairing: Fraser/Vecchio
Rating: PG-13 possibly R for description of violence.
Wordcount: 1397
Summary: After Ray Vecchio witness a tragedy Fraser encourages him to start a journal. This is the result.

Catharsis

Okay I’ve been staring at this page for an hour and I’m not sure how to start. Maybe I should just try writing something, put words down.

I mean, what am I supposed to write? I’ve never had one of these things before. Dear diary? That juvenile, it’s like Frannie writes, except she writes to her crushes and what she’d like to do them. Oh yeah and the latest skincare products she’s bought.

I knew she was after Benny when she started writing ‘Dear Benton’ in hers. She had a pretty active imagination.

I’d write to Benny too, except he gave me this journal and told me I should write about what’s troubling me.

He worries about me, you know. The last few nights I’ve woken up screaming and Benny has been there for me. He’s held me, caressed me, kissed, whispered he loves me; he’s made me feel safe in our bed again. He loves me so much all he wants to do is take my pain away. I think deep down he feels it too. I can tell when I’ve stopped shaking and Benny just looks so pale.

So I owe it to him to write this. He’s got me to see the department shrink, I can never argue with Canadian logic and the big eyed Mountie look. I’ve got an appointment next week but maybe I need to sort things out first.

Maybe I just need to write.

I’ve always known there’s risks in being a cop. The day I enrolled at the academy some unformed cop was shot and killed. I knew from day one that cops die, but when it happens and you know them, it’s a lot different.

First time it happened I was a rookie and one of the guys on my shift was involved in a hit and run. The kids, and they were kids that did it, wanted revenge for the guy telling them off about their graffiti. I didn’t know him. I knew of him, I knew he had a wife and two kids in grade school, but he wasn’t a friend, he was just a familiar face in the locker room that wasn’t going to be there anymore.

Gardino was a friend and it took me a long time to get over that. Yeah it feels weird to call the guy a friend, I mean Benny always said we were like two territorial wolves when we got together, but he was a good guy. With Benny there things got better and yeah he wasn’t the best guy in the world but was Louis.

I still feel uncomfortable when I walk into the squad room and there’s an unfamiliar person with Huey, or when the guys come round and there’s an empty chair at the poker table. I don’t even want to imagine how tough it was on Huey. I saw him after the funeral, trying not cry.

I still blame myself, but it wasn’t my fault. Sorrento planted the bomb not really sure I’d get hit, Benny shouted to him, he would have been okay without his coat. When you add it all up, it was his time. Doesn’t make it any easier though.

I did have nightmares after that, mostly ones with Benny in them but we got through them. These are different. These are terrifying and the worse part is I’m not sure why.

It all started with a simple drugs bust that went wrong, really wrong. It wasn’t even our district, it was the 26th’s bust and I and a couple of others were along as backup.

It was a favour that was all. I’d graduated with Detective Colin McMillan; he was a friend at the academy. We hadn’t kept in touch as much as I’d like but we kept tabs on each other. He’d helped me out with a tip off on a case I worked on years ago so I owed him the favour. He called it in and I went along. .

From the start it went bad. Soon as we got to the warehouse they were using as a base there were shots fired, the guys we’d come to arrest weren’t going down without a fight.

I caught a bullet, it grazed my arm, and they should start thinking about flak jackets with sleeves.

I was trying to stay out of the way and not get hit again when I saw McMillan go down. He’d taken one in the chest. He should have been alright, he was wearing a jacket but he wasn’t.

It was one of those bullets that can get through bullet proof jackets, some people call them cop killers. The bullet had ripped right through and there was blood coming out, a lot of blood. McMillan was breathing hard, bleeding, and I just lay crouched there, watching him die.

By the time backup arrived it was too late, McMillan had bled out. The bullet had nicked an arty that was why there’d been all that blood. I remembered when the hard breathing stopped. Sounded just like someone letting the air out of a balloon. That was what dying looked like.

There was a lot of death that day. By the end of it there were three bodies inside the warehouse and two damn good cops dead outside, including McMillan. We hadn’t known their firepower.

They took me to hospital, the graze was worse than I thought but I just felt so numb. I didn’t even notice the needle they gave me in the ambulance. I saw my sleeve covered in blood but not as much as McMillan’s had been.

When I was being treated I got the nurse to call Benny, I needed him, needed to know he was okay.

He came rushing into the ER so fast I thought he was going to knock the staff over to get to me.

When he got to me I noticed he was really pale, he looked scared. The fact my Benny was scared, so obviously, scared the hell out of me too.

He hugged me really hard saying how’d worried he’d been, the story had already made the news.

I just wanted him to hold me because everything is better when he does that. When we’re in each other’s arms we’re safe. He sat down next to me and we held each other. It was then I felt safe and I wasn’t hearing the sound of gunshots in my ears.

I was in hospital for a day or so, turns out I needed a bit more than just a few stitches, Benny was with me all the time. I don’t think the nurses had the heart to throw him out. He didn’t seem to know what else to do.

It’s hard when someone you love comes so close to dying I guess.

It was when I got home the nightmares started. I saw the images over and over, McMillan dying, his blood seeping out, him taking his last breath. And I heard the noise of gunshots and the screams as the other guy was hit.

I started to think about what would have happened if Benny had been there and it wasn’t McMillan I was seeing there anymore, it was Benny in bloodstained red serge. If he had been there he could have died. I wouldn’t have been able to do anything. I saw that worried face in the hospital and saw it lifeless.

I woke up screaming. I still do.

I’m sweaty and panting and shaky. The way Benny wakes up and sees me like this I think it scares him too but we’re together, we’re safe.

I love him; I want us to be together for a long time. We both want that.

With the Riv blowing up it was different neither of us were injured. I guess seeing how close I came, seeing how McMillan died, brought up all the worry I’ve had when Benny’s been in danger.

He’s right it’s helped me, writing this stuff down but I think I owe him more than words on paper.

I heard him outside the bedroom, he told me to take my time. I have now and I’ll tell him what I’ve written, that I’ve got some idea why I’m having nightmares, that I feel better now, but most of all that I love him.