ds_flashfiction | DS Holiday Party: for justbreathe80 from dogwoodblossom (Reply)

15. Vecchio/Kowalski - "I should have known you'd be into that." for

justbreathe80

Title: A Tale of Two Rays
Pairing: Ray/Ray
Rating: PG-13, maybe R
Length: 1086 words
Notes: This is fairly angsty. Thanks to my beta

liz_chan who convinced me that it really did have to be in first person, even though I hate writing in first person. I really enjoyed writing this, I hope you enjoy reading it. Also, on a different note, my little brother had an excellent suggestion when I told him I was writing a story about the two Rays. “You should have them both like covered in honey and stuck in a hole covered with ants, and Fraser will know just how to save ‘em with like, a special whistle or something.” That, sadly, didn't make it into this story.

A Tale of Two Rays
by Dogwoodblossom

I can’t sleep. I lie awake next my…what? Lover? Companion? Roommate? Ray. Ray would say I think too much.

I gently caress the tattoo on my sleeping Ray’s shoulder. I try to make the most of whatever this is that we share because it isn’t going to last. This arrangement is only temporary. I know this.

This isn’t what I was expecting to find when I got back from Vegas. Now that I’ve thought about it, I can admit that I didn’t know what to expect. But this isn’t it. I didn’t have time to dwell on that final phone call. If I had, I suppose that I’d have known that it wouldn’t be enough for Benny. But there wasn’t time. I knew at the time that Benny would never jeopardize my cover, but the Feds didn’t know, or care. And then there was intense training so that I wouldn’t get myself, all the informants and plants killed.

When I was plunked down into a nest of mobsters with silly names, I had more time to think. I hoped Benny was OK, that he’d understood why I had to leave. I hoped that my replacement was treating Benny OK.

When I got back to Chicago, I found out that Ray had indeed taken excellent care of Benny. A bit too excellent actually. I’ve always loved Benny. From the first time I saw Benny standing at attention being gawked at by tourists, I loved him. It wasn’t sexual, at least not to me, not at first. But it was a deep connection. The sex part came later.

I never thought about homosexuality. I didn’t mind it too much, not in other people. I’m a good Catholic; I just knew it was wrong, sinful, but it wasn’t my place to judge. It wasn’t something I ever had to worry about in every day life. But Vegas, Vegas was different.

In Vegas, I was the Bookman. There were certain…services that were my due as demonstrations of loyalty, or ways for underlings to gain my favor. It wasn’t really about sex so much as a show of power. I can’t remember exactly when things began to change, but I do remember coming wordlessly down an ambitious bellboy’s throat and thinking of Benny. That marked a turning point. I became more ruthless and less careful. I just wanted to get the job done and get back to Chicago and to Benny. Then one night I was meeting with some particularly dangerous people (Canadian if you believe it), and there was a knock on the door, and there was Benny grinning like an idiot, and standing next to him was a skinny Pollack who looked nothing like Ray Vecchio. Everything changed.

I was elated at first. My cover was blown through no fault of my own, and Benny was within reach. Then I walked into my old precinct and found that everybody had sort of forgotten me. Even my sister had accepted that the impostor, Stanley Raymond Kowalski, was Ray Vecchio. I saw the way Benny looked at Kowalski, the way he touched him, and I knew what the score was. I’d been gone too long, and Stanley Raymond Kowalski had become more than just my temporary replacement. I had come back from my exile prepared to love Benny fully, the way he deserved, but I’d been gone too long and it was too late.

I rallied briefly, to fight for what was mine. I’d known Benny longer. Loved him longer. I knew that I could sneak back in under the radar, but then I was shot and Benny and Ray went up to Canada and I couldn’t follow.

I despaired. I went about the business of gathering up the pieces of my old life. Marrying Stella Kowalski was an attempt at normalcy. I even ran off to Florida, but that accomplished nothing, except maybe a dig at Stella’s ex-husband. It didn’t take long for her to leave me and for me to return to Chicago and my old job.

“Take it easy, Vecchio. I can hear the gears cranking in your head and it’s keeping me up nights.”

“Sorry,” I reply. I pull Ray against me and kiss his neck and the point of his jaw.

“What are you thinking so hard about anyway?” Ray asks.

“Your tattoo,” I lie. “I’ve been thinking about getting one of my own. Maybe the Buick logo.”

“I should have known you’d be into that,” Ray says with a snort. He pulls my arm across his chest and goes back to sleep. I take a deep breath.

I don’t know what happened during the Quest, or after. I’ve never asked and Ray never talks about it. But for some reason he came back to the States and Benny stayed in Canada. For a long time we kept up our old animosity, but it couldn’t last. We had too much in common. We had Benny in common.

The first time Ray had pulled me into the supply closet I flashed back to the Benny years. Ray and my first kiss was tentative but so needy. It started out slow and grew harder and fiercer until Ray slammed me up against the shelving and sent the toilet paper and coffee filters to the floor. Frannie interrupted us then, but no one interrupted us the second time, when we jerked each other off in Interview One. It took a lot of furtive sex to overcome hating each others guts.

Now we’ve got our own place together. We share a bed, although I still officially live with Ma. We stick together. We fuck. We both still write separate letters to Benny. We don’t talk about it.

I breathe in the scent of Ray’s hair. It’s spicy with whatever it is that he uses to keep it spiky. I fight the rising panic. Benny’s letters have been warmer lately. He talks about his loneliness up North, and Deif’s supposed longing for the city. I know that Benny will return eventually. Probably it will be soon. I love Ray, but I need Benny like I need water. I know Ray loves me too, or at least he thinks he does. But I also know that Ray needs Benny like he needs air. I’ve heard the story about the Henry Allen at least twice. When Benny comes back Ray and I will be enemies again. We will have to fight it out. And I’m not at all sure that I can win.

The End

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