Gross Out Challenge by kill_claudio

[kill-claudio.livejournal.com]

Title: Keep The City Clean
Author: kill_claudio
Rating: G

Word count: 650ish
Characters: Huey-Dewey

“Aw jeez, what have they done now?”

Jack followed Tom’s gaze and saw Vecchio and the Mountie tramping into the bullpen, covered head-to-toe in pink cotton candy.

“I don’t think I wanna know.” He turned back to the case notes they were working on. “C’mon, focus. We nearly had this guy.”

“Yeah, sure.” Tom turned back round and shifted his seat a little closer. Jack could smell fried bacon from the cafe Tom’s parents owned, mingled with his cheap aftershave. The scent had become oddly familiar.

“The Iguana family have owned the east side since forever. No wonder this guy’s sleeping with the fishes.”

But this time it was Jack who was distracted. “That is so gross. How does Vecchio stand it?” The Mountie was gingerly tasting the candy floss that had settled on Ray’s shoulder.

Tom snorted. “Maybe he enjoys it, who knows? So they musta put a hit out on the guy, right?”

What? Oh, the case. “Yeah,” Jack agreed, “and Nellie would consider that ‘an affront to his professional dignity’…”

*  *  *  *

The next morning the case took off, and they forgot lunch until two o’clock when Jack noticed a hot-dog vendor pitched on the sidewalk.

“Hey, pull over.”

“What?”

“I said, pull over. I’m hungry.”

When they got back in the car, Jack bit straight into his hot-dog, but Tom just sat and contemplated his.

“D’you know what the real cause of death is for most cops?” he asked eventually.

Jack rolled his eyes. “A maniac who jumps them with a .45?”

But sarcasm was just a seven letter word to Tom. “Nah, it’s cholesterol. It’s the build up of decades of bad diet that gets you. Imagine all the layers of saturated fat settling in your arteries. That’s what’ll kill a guy. A hot dog.”

Jack looked down at his hot dog, which suddenly seemed a whole lot less appealing. “That’s disgusting. I suppose you think this is funny, right? I’m tryin’ to eat, here.”

*  *  *  *

The take-down was as smooth as Jack had known it would be. Let Vecchio drive motorbikes through windows. Let the Mountie go chasing criminals over the Great Lakes. He and Tom had learnt the art of patience. They waited for the perps to come to them. Luke Quarm had stashed the goods in a warehouse down by the lake. He would have to come and get them sooner or later.

And a few nights into the stakeout, he did.

“Heads up.” Tom sat up slightly in his seat. “That’s him.” He reached for the radio to notify backup.

“Mm-hm. And waddaya know, he drives a Firehawk. Very nice.”

“My uncle used to work for a classic car dealer.” Tom said as they quietly slipped out of the car. “He said I should never trust a Pontiac driver.”

Jack flicked the safety off his gun, keeping his hand down by his side. “I thought your uncle sold fish?”

Tom brought his gun up to his shoulder as he got ready at the door. “That was my other uncle.”

“Huh” said Jack. And kicked the door in.

“Police! Freeze!”

“Kiss the dirt!”

Within minutes they had Quarm on the floor, his hands cuffed securely behind his back, and Jack went back to thinking about more important things.

“Doesn’t that guy from INS drive a Pontiac?”

“On what planet? He drives a Mustang.”

As they were walking him out the door, their prisoner made one last bid for freedom, but Tom grabbed him by the scuff of the neck and gave him a sharp kick in the back of his knees that brought him a sudden close encounter with the sidewalk.

“Don’t even think about it, scumbag. You’re going to be playin’ prison volleyball for a long time.”

As they shoved Quarm into the back of the blue-and-whites, Jack caught Tom’s eye and grinned. Yeah, the operation had been smooth as silk. They made a good team. And at least there were some cops left in Chicago who didn’t need to jump through windows and taste the pavement to keep the city clean.

Comments

[agentotter.livejournal.com]

Heh, that was great. I thought you pulled off their characterizations really well, especially for characters who are almost always very tertiary to the main action. If you ever felt compelled to write something about them that's a big longer -- a due South The Duck Boys Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead -- I would SO be into reading that. ;)

[sdwolfpup.livejournal.com]

I really liked this. You had a great take on them both, and I found myself wishing it was longer so I could enjoy more of their back-and-forth. I especially loved the hot dog conversation in the car.

[kill-claudio.livejournal.com]

That's a lovely idea! 'Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead' is a play I love to bits. How can you not love:-

We cross our bridges when we come to them, and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress but a memory of the smell of smoke, and the presumption that once our eyes watered.

Still, trying to live up to Tom Stoppard? Is probably doomed from the start.

[kill-claudio.livejournal.com]

I have to confess to lifting quite heavily from canon in this fic, but Huey and Dewey are so difficult to pin down. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[akite.livejournal.com]

Hee! Go, Duck Boys!

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Wonderful! Tom and Jack rarely get enough love, or enough stories about them, and I agree you've captured them perfectly. Terrific banter.

[kill-claudio.livejournal.com]

Too right!

And I LOVE your icon. There's something about RayK in sunglasses...

[kill-claudio.livejournal.com]

Tom and Jack rarely get enough love.

Absolutely. They're good cops too, and I don't think they get the recognition they deserve. *shakes head*

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

Excellent! Believable and in character. The bit about the hot dog, cholesterol, etc., was so in character. Exactly the sort of conversation they'd have. Also their nonchalant reaction to Fraser tasting Ray's shoulder (*hearts*)

The only thing, though, is that I don't think Huey and Dewey would think of it as "candy floss"--if I understand what you mean, we call that stuff "cotton candy" over here. Otherwise, it's pitch-perfect, and I'd love to see something longer in this vein!

[the_antichris.livejournal.com]

I really enjoyed that! Very funny, and note-perfect dialogue.

[nos4a2no9.livejournal.com]

I love these kinds of stories, and it was great to see some of the regular dS action from two guys who get pushed to the sidelines. The dialog was great and perfectly in-character, and I really liked the gentle sense of irony that pervaded the story. Because of course Huey and Dewey would think they're really the centre of everything. Everyone does.

[kill-claudio.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I have edited the candy floss accordingly. Grrr, WHY am I completely incapable of picking up American English?! Now I think about it, I don't even know why we call it candy floss. I mean, floss?

[kill-claudio.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[kill-claudio.livejournal.com]

Of course Huey and Dewey would think they're really the centre of everything.

They would, wouldn't they? And I think they would watch Ben and Ray with the facination you would use for strange animals in the zoo. What are they doing exactly? Oh. Yuck.

I'm glad you liked it!

[mickeymvt.livejournal.com]

Ohh, so THAT's what normal cops talk about. Inteeeresting. :)

[kill-claudio.livejournal.com]

Normal? Well, it's one way of describing them... *g*

I think what made me want to write this was watching the scene from 'Dr Longball' where Huey and Dewey go to pick up two of the hired thugs, and don't really pay attention to what they're doing because they're too busy talking about pollution and lawnmowers.

You have to love two guys who think talking about lawnmowers is more important than their job.

[mergatrude.livejournal.com]

Love this! I mean, they didn't get be detectives because of their looks, did they?

[kill-claudio.livejournal.com]

I don't think anyone would ever accuse Huey or Dewey of sleeping their way to the top.

Eeew. I really shouldn't have thought that. Now I have a mental image of Huey and Dewey and Welsh and...*shudder*

[primroseburrows.livejournal.com]

I love the Duck Boys! It's about time they got some airplay. I love Huey's voice especially. Smooth as silk. I'm sure he'd agree with my summation. *g*

[kill-claudio.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

And BTW, I LOVE your icon. Frobisher's take on Henry V cracks me up every time.

[china_shop]

Oh, this is wonderfully done! I'm so glad I came across it. *loves*