Team Whimsy Bonus Fic! "Frozen"

[china_shop]

Title: Frozen
Author: miss_zedem
Team: Whimsy
Prompt: "Pemmican was the first thing I thought of"
Pairing(s): Fraser/Kowalski
Rating: PG
Word count: ~2400
Warnings: off-screen character death.
Summary: Sometimes it's the people you love the most are the ones who can see what you need...
Author's notes: Massive thanks to my betas, the wonderful simplystars and the equally marvellous caersmane, for invaluable prodding and hand-holding. Also thanks to Team Whimsy for their lovely and helpful comments. You guys rock!


The sound of wood being chopped echoed down the lane, making Ben smile as he neared the cabin. At his feet, Charlie yipped happily, then shot off in the direction of the cabin, white tail waving like a pennant in the gathering dusk.

Ben hurried the last few metres, following the sounds of barking and laughter until it felt like the sound was all around him. He watched quietly as Charlie and Dief ran in circles, barking and generally making a nuisance of themselves. In the middle of the maelstrom stood Ray, laughing and fending off Dief's licking, his face bright and happy. He was wrapped warmly; winter was just around the corner, and the nights were growing bitter. The coat was the one Ray had worn on their adventure, Ben remembered with a smile. Unlike his, Ray's figure hadn't much changed with the passing of time, and he could still wear the clothes he'd worn ten years ago. His hair was just as experimental as it always had been too.

Ben shook himself, stepping closer to his partner, his feet crunching on the snowy grass.

"I didn't think you'd be here."

Ray looked up, his face breaking into a delighted grin as he saw Ben. "Of course I'm here, Frase. Where else would I be tonight? Expect me to have something better to do?" He pushed Dief away, silently crossing the yard until they were mere inches apart. "'Cause I'm telling you, I ain't had no better offers recently. Unlike some folk I could mention..."

Ben choked a laugh. "I'm hardly fending off potential suitors. Your information is faulty."

"Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, Ben. I remember what it was like in Chicago, having to wade through armies of women - and men - to get to you." He winked, grin softening into a cheeky smile. "Come on. Inside, make some stew, tell me about your day. I wanna hear everything. Especially about your new -"

"Stew?" asked Fraser, deliberately ignoring the rest of Ray's teasing.

"Well, obviously pemmican was the first thing I thought of, but stew'd be less disgusting, don't you think?"

It was the work of minutes to reheat the stew that Maggie had left in his freezer, and before too long Ben was curled up on the couch, beer in one hand, bowl in the other. He tilted the bottle at Ray, who'd sprawled at the opposite end, taking up more room than someone his size had any right to. "I bought your favourite," he said softly, holding the other man's gaze.

Ray grinned. "Good choice. Always said I'd get you drinking something other than that bark stuff eventually."

"That you did, Ray." He'd consumed more beer in the last two years than he had in his entire life. Possibly that ought to tell him something. He set the bowl and the bottle down, the mention of bark reminding him he'd left the dogs out in the snow. Not that it mattered for Dief, of course, but Charlie would never let him hear the end of it.

Ray was wrapped up in a blanket when Ben came back, his hair shining slightly in the dim glow from the fire. "Are you cold?" Ben asked as he sat down, reaching out automatically to touch Ray's neck, before dropping his hand and picking up his beer instead.

"Nah." Ray slanted him a look for the aborted movement, then gestured towards the fire. "Wouldn't kill you to put another couple of logs on though. Anyone would think we didn't have enough in the store, and I know damn fine we do 'cause I put it there three winters ago. Mike said we'd have enough to last an ice age."

Ben lowered his gaze, studying the beer bottle in his hand for a moment before standing to do as he was told. Ray was right, there was still plenty of chopped wood in the store. It was just that he hadn't had time to bring the rest of it in. Just like he hadn't had time to shave, or eat properly, or do anything other than what he was paid to do. At least, that was what he told anyone who asked. He paused long enough to empty the remains of his barely touched stew into Charlie's bowl, getting a grateful whuff in return, and ignoring Ray's scolding look as he sat back down.

"Look, Ben, I know you got this whole extra layer of subcu-whosit fat or whatever, but you still need to eat. Don't want you falling over in front of the baby Mounties at work."

"I am eating," Ben snapped, folding his arms and feeling himself flush in annoyance. Ten years, and Ray could still get to him every single time. "Not all of us can stay permanently young and slim."

Ray smirked. "Skinny."

"Wiry."

"Skinny."

"Lean."

"Skin-ny."

Ben sighed. "Oh, very well, skinny." He pursed his lips. "Although heaven knows how, given the amount of junk food you used to eat in Chicago."

"Hey, I resent that! Pineapple's a fruit."

Ben quirked an eyebrow. "You only ever ate it on pizza. That somewhat negates any health-giving properties it might otherwise -"

"Alright, alright." Ray was laughing, and something in Ben's chest eased at the sound. It had been a long day, one of the longest he could remember since - well. In a long time. "Can you save the lecture, just for tonight?"

"I wasn't -" Ben stopped, forcing down the automatic retaliation before nodding. "Just for tonight," he said, smiling across at his partner, his husband. The platinum band on Ray's finger glinted in the firelight, its shine somehow less dulled than that of the matching ring Ben wore, even though he spent just as much time outdoors as Ben did. They'd only gotten married three years before, when it had finally become fully legal in the Territories, although they'd chosen to wear rings for several years prior to that. Still. Somehow it didn't seem fair that Stella had managed to keep Ray for so much longer.

Ray was shifting restlessly on the couch, his foot tapping to some unheard beat. He grinned when he saw Ben watching. "Wanna dance?"

Ben nodded. It felt like forever since he'd last danced, since someone had held him close. Maggie had tried to get him to dance with her at her wedding, but Ben had refused. Dancing was something he only did with his husband, and in his absence...

Ray leapt to his feet, looking more real than anything else in the room, and Ben followed, stepping wordlessly into the other man's arms. A shiver ran through him as he felt Ray's hands against his back, and he closed his eyes, wishing he could hear whatever Ray was dancing to. Not that it mattered; as Ray never tired of pointing out, Ben's sense of rhythm left a lot to be desired, so it was probably for the best that he just followed. He smiled as he thought of the hours they'd spent learning to move together, their intimacy in the bedroom translating to an intimacy on the dancefloor. Although more often than not, the latter had led to the former, at least here in the privacy of their home.

"How -" he started, but Ray's fingers stopped him, pressing lightly against his lips.

"Tell me about Alex."

Ben blushed. "There's nothing to tell."

"Oh yeah? You get so many offers of dinner that this one didn't register, huh?"

"He wanted me to go tonight," Ben whispered, tightening his arms around Ray's waist and pressing his face into the other man's neck. Cold, so very, very cold. "I couldn't. Not -"

"It's been two years, Ben." Ray's voice was as warm as his skin was icy. "And he's a nice guy. He likes you a lot."

Ben nodded reluctantly. Alex had transferred to the detachment two summers ago, and although Ben had barely noticed him at first, they'd somehow become good friends. He knew the other man wanted more, and Ben could definitely see the appeal; Alex was good-looking, intelligent, and possessed a quirky sense of humour. But... "He's not you, Ray."

Ray sighed. "No. Just like I wasn't Victoria. And you weren't Stella." His hands came up to curl around Ben's shoulders. "You gonna tell me you regret something?"

"No. God, no. None of it."

"Well then." Ray's hands were in his hair now, and Ben rolled his head back, leaning into the touch. "Now you gonna stop being a jerk and listen to me for once in your goddamn life? Didn't we have this argument already?"

"I'm not arguing."

"So what are you doing, hmm? I've seen the way he looks at you. And the way you look at him. Down at the detachment, out on patrol, that time you went to the blanket toss... You have to trust me, Ben. About appropriate places to take people on dates, if nothing else."

Ben snorted. "I do trust you. About everything." His voice was little more than a hoarse whisper. "I always did."

Ray's cheek scratched against his as he moved impossibly closer. "Then listen to me now."

They danced in silence for minutes, hours, days... Ben could feel himself trembling, could feel the tears burning behind his eyes, but the only sound was the distant whirr of a snowmobile engine. What -?

"It's Alex," Ray said softly. "He's gonna be here in a few minutes, and you're gonna make like a normal person and ask him in. And when he asks why you've been crying -" Ray's voice faltered, and his hands ceased their movement for a moment, "you're gonna tell him, you hear? Cos damnit, Ben, it took you thirty-eight years to realize you didn't have to be alone. I'm not letting you take that long again."

Ben stopped swaying, the tears threatening to overflow. "I don't want you to go," he managed. "I'm not ready to -"

"Me neither, Frase, me neither." Ray's lips brushed his, a frozen parody of the heat they'd once shared. Ben fisted a hand in Ray's shirt, sliding the other up to tangle in that mad, ridiculous, beautiful hair. How could he give this up? How could Ray expect him to?

"Stay with me." Begging was undignified, Ben knew, but he couldn't stop himself. "My father was with me for years..."

"That's because he was as big a freak as you are." Ray released him slowly, and Ben let him go, already seeing the changes in his partner, seeing him grow more pale. He looked down, and yes, Dief was changing too, even as he padded across the floor to lean against Ray's legs. Ray followed his gaze, a small smile twitching the corners of his mouth. "Just my luck to get stuck with furface for all eternity," he said softly.

The knock at the door made them both jump, even though Ben knew Ray was expecting it.

"Ben? You in there?"

Ben shook his head, unable to tear his eyes away from Ray's steady gaze. "I can't -"

"Yes, you can." Ray crossed his arms stubbornly, and Dief whuffed quietly to echo the point.

"Did you ever feel like you don't know who you are? Like if you weren't around somebody, or that someone wasn't around you..." The words, half remembered from so long ago, caught in Ben's throat, and he stopped, gazing helplessly at his lover.

"Never," said Ray, but his expression softened. "Go." He nodded towards the door. "Be happy, Frase."

Ben nodded. "I'll try." He looked at Dief. "Diefenbaker: take good care of him." A small noise of agreement, then Ben's feet were carrying him to the door, unbidden. Alex was waiting patiently on the porch, although he looked like he was just starting to consider leaving. His face brightened as he looked at Ben.

"Hey, look, I know you said no to dinner tonight, but Maggie said you might need some company, so I shouldn't take no for an answer. I can go if you -" Alex stopped and grinned sheepishly. "Sorry. I'm babbling, aren't I?"

"Just a little," Ben agreed, stepping aside to let the other man in.

"You got company?" Alex asked, nodding at the bottle of beer on the table.

Ben blinked, realising he hadn't trusted himself enough to drink around Alex since he'd known him. Looked like Ray had a point after all. He glanced at the empty space where Ray and Dief had stood, and shook his head. "No. It's mine." He smiled shakily at Alex's surprised look. "It reminds me of my... of Ray. It was his favourite."

Alex nodded sympathetically. "Been two years today, hasn't it? Since the storm?" He smiled at Ben's nod, reaching out and stroking Ben's arm softly. Warm, real. "It'll get easier," he said quietly.

"So people keep telling me." He shook his head, moving to sit on the couch and indicating for Alex to do the same. "Sorry. Would you mind if we did talk about him? I'd like to, that is, if you don't have anywhere else you need to -"

Alex pressed his fingers to Ben's lips, the gesture so reminiscent of Ray that Ben couldn't help but let him. "I'd love you to tell me about him. And I don't have anywhere else I need, or want, to be."

Ben closed his eyes, fighting the urge to pull away as Alex's hand slid tentatively round to cup his cheek. He'd never allowed this, never let Alex touch him even when he'd so desperately wanted it. But he needed to try, needed to let the other man in. He'd promised.

His stomach clenched, reminding him he was supposed to be talking. He didn't know where to start, but he had to do this, had to tell someone. Had to keep Ray alive through words. "The first time -" Ben stopped and cleared his throat, before going on in a steadier voice. "The first time I met him, I actually thought I was finally going insane. Of course, Ray would say that 'going' was an understatement..."

Snowflakes began to drift past the window, and the fire crackled as a log shifted. Charlie snuffled in his sleep, disturbed by Ben's voice, and somewhere, just on the edge of his hearing, Ben thought he heard laughter.

END