Hope & Change Challenge by Aingeal

[aingeal8c.livejournal.com]

Title: For Everything There is a Season
Author: Aingeal
Pairing: Fraser/Vecchio
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 3270
Warnings: This is post-COTW death fic and but erm...happy death fic? So, yes major character death times three.
Notes: Many thanks to leda_speaks for a quick but detailed beta. Fun as always. And thanks to china_shop for graciously leaving the challenge open long enough for me to post.

For Everything There is a Season

It had been a stupid idea, Ray thought. He had left sunny Florida for trudging through snow in a blizzard. He was chilled down to the bone and he couldn't feel his fingers or toes. No, that wasn't strictly true, he couldn't feel his hands or feet. His legs felt like icicles, as if they would shatter if he moved them too quickly. He arms were numb as he held them close to his body.

The snow whirled around him. He couldn't see anything in front of or behind him. He could feel the bitter cold creating a storm of white flakes more than see it. But he kept going. There was nothing else for him to do. He had come to the frozen armpit of the north with the aim of seeing Fraser, to admit the mistakes he had made in the aftermath of Vegas and a little bit of snow wasn't going to stop him.

Except it wasn't a little bit of snow. It made those winters in Chicago seem positively balmy. He stumbled and fell, the snow falling so thickly he could feel himself being covered by it. He tried to get up but it was if he was struggling through thick mud, not soft snow. It bit into his exposed skin. His limbs were no longer doing what he asked of them.

After a time he stopped trying to move. He huddled as best he could, but he was already being buried. He was trapped in a grave dug into the snow. It wasn't hurting any more. In fact, he felt no pain. He could barely feel the cold. He had the urge to close his eyes and he didn't fight it. He was so tired. His last coherent thought was a of a warm beach in Florida at sunset with Benny at his side. It was a pleasant image and he allowed himself to drift with it. Then he had no more thoughts at all.


It was rare for Fraser and Ray Kowalski to receive visitors. The idea had been to strike out from known civilisation, after-all. Still, a distant figure on a sled was making his way toward their camp one morning. Fraser was alerted by the dogs barking. At first he hoped that perhaps Ray Vecchio was paying them a visit.

He had bored Ray Kowalski with stories about Ray Vecchio for much of their journey. His friend had just listened and pointed out that maybe they should go to Florida. Fraser was still mulling that thought over when he had realised they were getting a visitor. As the figure came closer Fraser could see he was alone.

It was Sergeant Frobisher who made his way into the camp.

“Sergeant.” Fraser greeted his superior formally. Frobisher's expression reminded him of that on Sergeant Meers's face when he delivered news of Bob Fraser's death.

“I've got some news, Ben. It's Detective Vecchio,” Frobisher said, solemnly.

Fraser's heart began to beat harder. He had an awful feeling of dread. He remembered the sudden shock at finding out his father was dead but this was Ray. Ray was so full of life.

Frobisher began to speak again. “He set out from the post over a week ago. He got caught in a storm. No-one knew it was coming. We found the sled he took but there's no sign of him. We've scoured the area but I'm afraid there's little hope of finding him alive. We're hoping to recover to the body but you know how that can go, Benton.”

Fraser was speechless. His mind was full of questions. What had Ray been doing in Canada? Alone? Why hadn't he known? Logically, he wouldn't know, he wouldn't feel it if Ray was dead but love wasn't logical and deep down Fraser had always entertained the idea that he would know if Ray had died.

He wasn't feeling anything, though. He was just numb. Still, he forced out the questions that plagued him. “Why was Ray in Canada?”

“He was coming to see you,” Frobisher said, clearing his throat. “I believe he wanted to...say some things to you...some things he didn't get a chance to say.”

Fraser could sense the sympathy in Frobisher's voice and he was grateful for it. The chance to speak with Ray, though, had been lost. Fraser had still held on to the hope that he might one day admit his feelings. Now, though, there was no chance he would be able to do that.

“Thank you,” he said, his voice betraying his shock.

“I'll let you know if we find anything,” Frobisher replied.

“I appreciate it.” Fraser reached out and shook Frobisher's hand. He was grateful he had chosen to deliver the news. It gave him a little comfort.

Once Frobisher had left, a quiet stillness descended. Fraser needed space to think and he was grateful that Ray Kowalski gave it to him. He spent time on the edge of camp looking out into the vast snowy wilderness. Somewhere out there lay Ray Vecchio, alone. For someone with such a close family it felt wrong Ray should have died alone with no friend at his side. Fraser was consumed with guilt. He should have gone to Florida.

He turned back to camp, a new resolve set inside him. He might not have been with Ray Vecchio when he died but he wasn't going to leave his friend alone out there. He knew that retrieval operations could be very hit and miss, especially with a large amount of snow and no idea of where Ray was heading but Fraser had to find him. He wasn't willing to believe Ray was dead until he found him and knew one way or the other.

It didn't take him long to pack some essentials; warm clothing, a bedroll, a shovel for digging through the snow. He was putting the finishing touches to his pack when he was interrupted by Ray Kowalski.

“I'm sorry about Vecchio,” Kowalski said.

“Thank you, Ray,” Fraser replied, picking up his pack. It felt heavier than he thought it would be.

“You heading out somewhere?”

Fraser nodded. “I owe it to Ray to find...” he struggled with the words. “I think it would give his family comfort if I was able to find him or...his...”

Kowalski didn't make him say it. “Yeah, I get it. I mean, if I died out here I'd want...you know.”

“Thank you, Ray,” Fraser said.

“You want any help?”

“No. I need to do this alone, Ray. But I appreciate the offer.” Fraser did appreciate it. He was in no doubt Ray Kowalski would have helped had he just said the word but Fraser selfishly wanted to be alone when he found Ray.

Of course, Diefenbaker wouldn't be put off no matter how much Fraser tried to make him stay with Ray Kowalski. The latter reminded Fraser that Dief probably had a better chance of finding Vecchio buried in the snow than Fraser did. His human nose might be good but it wasn't that good and Fraser conceded Ray was right. He was confident that his friend would cope in his absence. He left him the sled and the majority of the provisions and set out on foot with Dief.

Fraser wasn't sure where he was heading. He tried to imagine Ray's thought processes. What route would he have taken? If Ray was trying to find him he would have followed instructions from Sergeant Frobisher. Perhaps a map, but that could have been lost when the sled got into difficulties. Why had Ray left the sled? There could have been no reason for him to do so.

Of course, if Ray had already been suffering hypothermia then his behaviour wouldn't have been rational. He would have likely not been thinking straight when he left the sled. He could have stumbled in any direction and for any length of time. How far could he have travelled?

Fraser wasn't used to feeling emotional pain over the actions of others but the thought Ray stumbling around in the storm, lost and alone, was something Fraser could hardly bear. Ray shouldn't have been alone and to be caught in a snow storm was a terrible and tragic way to die. That tragedy played on Fraser's mind. He had failed Ray.

They walked for miles toward the position where the sled had been found. Fraser hadn't noticed the sky getting darker nor Dief's worried whimpers. He was focussed on the task. He was still focussed and intent until the first flakes of snow began to fall. It was then he realised he and Dief were far from any shelter. Fraser hadn't packed a tent and even if he had, it would have done little good. The wind picked up and the flakes turned into a blizzard.

Fraser knew that he should try to at least try to construct some kind of makeshift lean-to but already he could feel his energy fading. His guilt bit into him more than the biting cold. His pack was so heavy he could barely move. He had been caught in a similar blizzard many years before, but that time he had a voice to keep him going. He tried to imagine Ray's voice but it was of no help.

Diefenbaker curled up next to him and Fraser realised he was lying in the snow. He knew then he was going to die. There was a certain peace to be found in the thought. Fraser felt some guilt about leaving Ray Kowalski to fend for himself but he had faith that his friend would survive and perhaps even thrive. There was no-one else in the world for him to think about. All the others whom he loved were dead. Soon, he would join them.

Ray too. He and Ray would both be buried in the snow. Fraser hoped both their bodies would be found, that they were close enough together for that to be the case. His last thoughts were of Ray. He made sure of it. Dief's breathing was laboured now. Fraser was touched Diefenbaker had chosen to share this with him. He thought of Ray, of his smile, his warmth. He thought of all the things he would have told him. Then, the darkness encroached on his mind, and Fraser thought of nothing.

It was with shock that Fraser all at once became aware again. He remembered a similar feeling after being in a coma. It was as if things had stopped and then suddenly started with only a second to separate them, except in reality it was a lot longer than a second. He found he was warm, and no longer in the snow.

He was lying in a bed, covered in a white hide blanket and wearing some kind of robe from what he could see. The bed appeared to be inside what looked like a cave. He could smell something sweet. He wasn't sure what it was but it was pleasant. Suddenly he noticed the person sitting at the side of the bed.

“Ray?” he said, hoarsely. He couldn't believe his eyes.

“Hey, Benny.”

The sound of the voice he had thought he would never hear again caused a feeling of warmth to spread though Fraser's body. He reached out to him. His body was sluggish but working. “You're not-dead.” Fraser paused. “ Are you?”

Ray grasped his hand, and Fraser knew this was no ghost he was feeling. “I'm not-dead. Mostly.”

“Mostly?” Fraser was confused. But Ray's hand felt good in his. “Am I dead?”

Ray laughed. He too was wearing a robe, it appeared to be white and loose fitting. “Don't worry, this isn't heaven.”

“I wouldn't object if it was,” Fraser replied, the words coming out before he thought, but it was true, he wouldn't. If he and Ray were together again there would be nothing to fear. Fraser felt calm. The atmosphere of this place was serene and pleasant.

“And it's not hell or purgatory,” Ray added.

“If we're not in the afterlife, where are we, Ray?”

“Canada. Which to you is heaven but to most Americans is hell.”

Fraser smiled. To Ray, Canada was hell. “So we're alive?”

Ray shrugged a little. “Mostly. We're not vampires or zombies we're just...different.”

Fraser was intrigued. How had he and Ray found themselves here? “We are? In what sense, Ray?”

“Benny, we nearly died. We were dead. It changes people.”

“I understand that, Ray.” He paused. “Well, I don't understand it. I'm just glad you're not-dead. Or not-dead in the sense of being in the afterlife.” For once Fraser didn't mind that he didn't understand. He looked around, searching for Diefenbaker but couldn't see him. “How's Dief?”

“He's fine,” Ray said, reassuringly. “They don't have doughnuts here but they've got enough food to keep him happy.”

“Is Dief...”

“Mostly not-dead?”

Fraser nodded.

“Yeah. I'm sorry, Benny.” Ray squeezed his hand.

“It's not your fault, Ray,” Fraser said. He had chosen to die rather than live with his feelings, after-all. That was what it came down to.

“Why were you out there on your own anyway?”

“I was looking for you. What was left...” Fraser found the words hard to say again. “I had to find you, Ray, to confirm your death.”

“Thanks,” Ray said. The word was short but not dismissive. “If you had I still would have wanted you to deliver my eulogy.”

“You said that before once.”

Ray nodded. “What would you have said?” he asked as he had asked that first time.

“You were a good friend and you never let me down,” Fraser repeated the words he had told Ray the first time but now there was more to say. “You did your duty and everything that was asked of you and that the world would be a darker place for those of us who knew you.”

There was shock on Ray's face. “That's really...you really think that?”

“I do. I know it's hard for you believe but you're a good person, Ray.”

Ray let Fraser's hand go and got up from his seat. He paced about he room a little. “No, I'm not. A good person doesn't leave his best friend for the FBI's crazy idea to infiltrate the Vegas mob. A good person doesn't let their best friend go off without telling them they love them.” Ray stared at Fraser as he said the words. “And a good person doesn't run off with the ex-wife of the best friend's friend because he's so messed up from leaving in the first place.”

Fraser had only paid attention to some of Ray's words. “You love me?”

Ray sat down and rubbed his hands over his head. He looked up and fixed his gaze on Fraser. “Benny, why do you think I was out here, dying in a snowstorm?”

“Sergeant Frobisher said you were coming to find me. Were you going to tell me...?” Fraser didn't finish the words. Neither of them had ever managed to finish the words.

“I don't know. I might just have punched Kowalski.”

“You wouldn't hurt him, Ray.”

Ray shook his head. “I was jealous of him. He got everything I wanted. Well, okay, he didn't get the Riv, you blew that up.”

“It wasn't us, Ray it was...”

“A joke, Fraser.”

The tension in the room, well, cave, broke a little. “Ah.”

“I should have told you this before I went to Florida. I should never have gone to Florida,” Ray admitted.

“If you hadn't we might not be here now,” Fraser reasoned.

“Exactly, we wouldn't be not-dead. We'd be living in a cabin somewhere with nobody but Dief to bother us for months.”

Fraser was touched by the image. “Ray, don't blame yourself.”

“There's no-one else to blame, Benny.”

There was silence for a moment. “Sometimes our paths lead through the undergrowth and we have no choice but to fight our way through it," Fraser said.

“What does that mean in English?” Ray asked.

Fraser tried to explain. He knew that this was perhaps meant to be. They were finally together, even if had taken drastic events to get to this point. “The choices we get, Ray, aren't always obvious. Sometimes in order to make the right decision we have to make a wrong turning. It just means we can recognise the right path when we find it.”

“Have we found it?” Ray asked.

“I believe so, yes.”

“And all we had to do was die,” Ray replied, cynically.

“It's not always easy, Ray. But if dying means we're together and we can come to a point where there is no more guilt between us then it's a positive.”

There was silence then. Fraser hoped Ray would believe his words. There was nothing else he could say to persuade him.

“I should really show you round the place,” Ray said, casually.

“What is this place?” Fraser asked. It wasn't the afterlife but it was like nowhere Fraser had ever seen before.

"It's where the not-dead people live,” Ray explained. “Not all of them, just the old ones and the new ones.”

“Like us?”

Ray nodded. “Yeah, like us. They find people who are dying or just died and they bring them here. Don't ask how they do it, but they bring us back.”

“Why, Ray?”

“So we can go and make a difference. Not every frozen person ends up here, just the ones they think can make a difference. ” Ray dropped his voice a little. “They thought I could.”

“Of course. You do a lot of good, Ray. You don't give yourself enough credit,” Fraser said, offering a smile.

“That's what their shrink said,” Ray replied. “Anyway, after a few months we go out there and we do good deeds. Like angels. Only we don't get superpowers or wings.”

“Sounds like a fair bargain, Ray.”

“Yeah. That's why I've been keeping an eye on Kowalski.”

Fraser felt a little bit of guilt at forgetting his friend. “Is Ray all right?”

“Yeah. Turns out he can drive a sled. He's been looking for you with the the Mounties.”

“They think I'm dead?” It would have been a logical conclusion.

“Yeah. Don't worry about it, we can go back. Don't ask me how that works either.”

“I don't have a particular desire to go back yet, Ray,” Fraser said, a little appalled at his own selfishness. “I mean, I wouldn't want any harm to come to the search party.”

“We can keep an eye on them and we can do other things. You know, things people in love do.”

“Are we in love, Ray?” Fraser's heart was beating faster. He knew he wasn't dead but this felt unreal, like a dream.

“I am, Benny.”

“I am too, Ray,” Fraser said. It felt so good to say it.

“Good.”

Ray leaned down and kissed him. Fraser had waited so long for this he wasn't sure it could meet expectations but it did. He put an arm around Ray, pulling him closer. Ray toppled on the bed, and the kiss was ended rather awkwardly.

“I think this might be heaven,” Ray said, laughing.

“Maybe it is, Ray, maybe it is.”

Whether it was heaven or not, or whether they were dead or not, Fraser didn't mind. He and Ray were together somehow and not even death would ever be able to separate them. Fraser could live, or die, happily, knowing that.