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Jul. 20th, 2003 04:17 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
cesperanza.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
ds_flashfictionFor the Naive Fraser challenge; thanks to Te and cmshaw and Mia for audiencing & beta.
"Good Afternoon, Sir"
by Speranza
"Is this the Canadian Consulate?
"Good afternoon, sir--yes, it is. How may I help you?"
"Are you a Mountie?"
"Yes, indeed. I am a proud member of the Royal Canadian Mounted--"
"Are you wearing the red uniform? I love the red uniform..."
"It is an attractive garment, I grant you. Few people, however, are familiar with the uniform's rather complicated and elaborate symbolism..."
"You look so hot in it...."
"Well confidentially, sir, it is uncomfortably warm during the summer months."
"Why don't you...just take it off, then?"
"I'm afraid Inspector Thatcher insists upon it. And any deviation from her will tends to result in our being disciplined--well, really rather severely."
"Ooooh, are you a bad Mountie? Are you a bad, bad Mountie?"
"I've--tried to be a good Mountie. Granted, my behavior has been less than optimal upon occasion. But I've always attempted to perform my duties with distinction--"
"And you wear boots, right? Leather... Boots...?"
"Brown leather boots, yes. Well, they're riding boots, actually."
"Guhhhhhh...."
"Very comfortable. Quite sturdy. Um. I assume you actually do have a question, sir?"
"You're a big boy, aren't you. Yes, you are. I know you are."
"Not particularly, no. I'm five eleven, which is only very slightly above the male average. Why do you--"
"Uhhh....Uhhh....Who's your daddy?!"
"My father was Sergeant Robert Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. You might have heard of his many exploits across the Yukon and the Northwest Territories. His name was a legend up north; it was said he could track a ghost across sheer ice. Unfortunately, he was murdered several years ago in a story that takes precisely two hours to tell, but suffice it to say that I first came to Chicago on the trail of his killers, and here I have remained. Was that your question?"
"You're driving me crazy. Your voice drives me crazy. You know what I want?"
"No, I'm sorry, sir; I'm afraid I haven't the faintest."
"I'm completely naked, lying on my bed, rubbing oil all over my body..."
"Oh really?" Fraser asked with interest. "What kind of oil?"
"My god I'm--I think I'm--oh, fffffuckkkk-- I'm coming--I'm --"
"Well, I'm afraid we're only open till six, sir. You'd better hurry," Fraser said, and disconnected the line.
END (380 words)
"Good Afternoon, Sir"
by Speranza
"Is this the Canadian Consulate?
"Good afternoon, sir--yes, it is. How may I help you?"
"Are you a Mountie?"
"Yes, indeed. I am a proud member of the Royal Canadian Mounted--"
"Are you wearing the red uniform? I love the red uniform..."
"It is an attractive garment, I grant you. Few people, however, are familiar with the uniform's rather complicated and elaborate symbolism..."
"You look so hot in it...."
"Well confidentially, sir, it is uncomfortably warm during the summer months."
"Why don't you...just take it off, then?"
"I'm afraid Inspector Thatcher insists upon it. And any deviation from her will tends to result in our being disciplined--well, really rather severely."
"Ooooh, are you a bad Mountie? Are you a bad, bad Mountie?"
"I've--tried to be a good Mountie. Granted, my behavior has been less than optimal upon occasion. But I've always attempted to perform my duties with distinction--"
"And you wear boots, right? Leather... Boots...?"
"Brown leather boots, yes. Well, they're riding boots, actually."
"Guhhhhhh...."
"Very comfortable. Quite sturdy. Um. I assume you actually do have a question, sir?"
"You're a big boy, aren't you. Yes, you are. I know you are."
"Not particularly, no. I'm five eleven, which is only very slightly above the male average. Why do you--"
"Uhhh....Uhhh....Who's your daddy?!"
"My father was Sergeant Robert Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. You might have heard of his many exploits across the Yukon and the Northwest Territories. His name was a legend up north; it was said he could track a ghost across sheer ice. Unfortunately, he was murdered several years ago in a story that takes precisely two hours to tell, but suffice it to say that I first came to Chicago on the trail of his killers, and here I have remained. Was that your question?"
"You're driving me crazy. Your voice drives me crazy. You know what I want?"
"No, I'm sorry, sir; I'm afraid I haven't the faintest."
"I'm completely naked, lying on my bed, rubbing oil all over my body..."
"Oh really?" Fraser asked with interest. "What kind of oil?"
"My god I'm--I think I'm--oh, fffffuckkkk-- I'm coming--I'm --"
"Well, I'm afraid we're only open till six, sir. You'd better hurry," Fraser said, and disconnected the line.
END (380 words)
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Date: 2003-07-20 02:15 pm (UTC)Ces, you're killing me, here. ::holding splitting sides::
Only you, bubeleh. (Heh.)
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Date: 2003-07-20 02:34 pm (UTC)Damn that's funny - he's just so cute!
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Date: 2003-07-20 02:40 pm (UTC)Oh, my lordy. I needed this. How did you know I needed this? Can I keep you in my pocket and feed you pistachios and take you out on occasion to make me laugh 'til I run out of oxygen?
*squeaks*
Date: 2003-07-20 02:58 pm (UTC)Wow, that is super Mountie-class naive! ^_^ I thought for sure he'd clue in for "Uhhh....Uhhh....Who's your daddy?!" or when he asked "Oh really? What kind of oil?"
*sighs dreamily* I'd never get past the heavy breathing part. ^_~
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Date: 2003-07-20 03:10 pm (UTC)I love it that Fraser knows exactly how long it takes to tell the "I first came to Chicago" story!
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Date: 2003-07-20 03:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-20 03:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-20 03:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-20 04:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-20 05:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-20 05:41 pm (UTC)"Well, I'm afraid we're only open till six, sir. You'd better hurry," Fraser said, and disconnected the line.
Heeeeeee! I love this! It should have been so obvious and yet...'obviously' not. *g*
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Date: 2003-07-20 05:57 pm (UTC)Somehow, I can totally visualise that....
Thanks for the laughs!
Naive Mountie
Date: 2003-07-20 05:57 pm (UTC)Regardless, I loved it. Thank you.
Brenda
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Date: 2003-07-20 06:22 pm (UTC)God, I adore you...
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Date: 2003-07-20 06:23 pm (UTC)BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
-- Thank you.
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Date: 2003-07-20 06:47 pm (UTC)Oh my frickin' god! You are the queen!!
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Date: 2003-07-20 08:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-20 09:52 pm (UTC)"Brown leather boots, yes. Well, they're riding boots, actually."
"Guhhhhhh...."
"Very comfortable. Quite sturdy. Um. I assume you actually do have a question, sir?"
That was perfect. I'll be giggling all night. Thanks bunches, Ces. You're the best at this.
-mercy
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Date: 2003-07-21 12:02 am (UTC)oh my.
Good Afternoon, Sir
Date: 2003-07-21 12:36 am (UTC)I can't laugh out loud - you're killing me here!
Love it.
Date: 2003-07-21 01:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-21 06:47 am (UTC)You're a bad, bad writer, Ces. And we love it.
no subject
Date: 2003-07-26 02:56 pm (UTC)"My god I'm--I think I'm--oh, fffffuckkkk-- I'm coming--I'm --"
"Well, I'm afraid we're only open till six, sir. You'd better hurry," Fraser said, and disconnected the line.
Too damn funny. Very, perfectly naive Fraser. Nicely done.
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Date: 2003-07-29 03:47 pm (UTC)Oh, lordy, Ces, you about near killed me with this one. I'll be laughing all day.
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Date: 2006-09-03 12:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-06 06:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-05 09:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-13 04:13 am (UTC)Re: "Good Afternoon, Sir"
Date: 2007-08-20 04:30 am (UTC)...and I'm a very bad woman for knowing that I would /consider/ making a call such as this if Benton Fraser wasn't a fictional character.no subject
Date: 2008-02-04 09:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-06-19 09:17 pm (UTC)I haven't read somthing this funny in a long time!
You just made my day :p
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Date: 2011-07-12 08:03 am (UTC)