ds_flashfiction | What cliche is *this* supposed to be? (Reply)

A shaggy dog story (sans Dief) written way past my bedtime, which contains elements of #1 (Trapped in an elevator or other small space) and #12 (Sudden disability requires one person to care intimately for the other), with a little belated Semi-Naive!Fraser thrown in for good measure at the end.

Lieutenant Welsh looked up from his paperwork at his detective and sighed. "Kowalski, what part of 'you've got to work with a partner' don't you understand?"

"What part of 'I've already got a partner' don't you understand?" Ray said. " For Chrissakes, Lieu . . . just because the guy got himself into a little trouble, you can't just . . . ."

"A little trouble? Kowalski, he was abducted by aliens! We all saw it happen."

Ray flopped down on the lieutenant's couch. "Yeah, well . . . look, they said they were going to bring him back, so this is like . . . can't you just think of this like Fraser's gone on vacation or something?"

"To another planet?"

"He'll be gone two weeks, Lieu. Three, tops."

Welsh shook his head. "I know you miss him, Ray. We all do. When someone loses a partner, it can be rough, But you've got to face facts. He's gone, son, and . . . . "

"Not all of him."

"What?"

Ray got up from the couch. He put his sports bag down on Welsh's desk "Okay, Lieutenant," he whispered.. " I've got something to show you, but you gotta promise you're not going to freak out."

"I don't 'freak out,' Kowalski. I never 'freak out.'"

"Yeah, okay, so . . . .here." He unzipped the bag, then crooked his finger. "Take a look."

Cautiously, Welsh looked in the bag.

"Good afternoon, Lieutenant."

Welsh jumped back from the desk, his eyes wild. "What in the name of all that's holy . . . do you know what that is, Kowalski?"

"Shhhhh! You said you weren't going to freak out!"

"That's . . . a head in that bag," Welsh said. "Fraser's head!"

"Yeah," mumbled Kowalski. "I know."

"Perhaps if I might explain the situation to the lieutenant, Ray. It's actually quite an interesting story. You see . . . "

Welsh stared back in the bag. "It's . . . talking. Fraser's head is talking."

"I know."

"Make it stop."

Ray shook his head. "Make Fraser stop talking? Can't be done."

"Ray, I hardly think that adding insult to injury is called for at this juncture."

"Sorry, buddy," Ray said, patting the bag. He turned back to Welsh. "See? It's still him. It's still Fraser. I don't want a new partner, Lieutenant."

"Thank you kindly, Ray. And I don't want a new partner, either."

"Will the two of you both stop already!" Welsh said. "You're giving me the heebie-jeebies!"

"Sorry, Lieu."

"My apologies, Lieutenant Welsh."

Welsh sat down heavily in his chair. Nobody spoke for some time.

"So. That's really Fraser in there?"

". . . and then Snuffy Prescott said, that's the last time I . . . . "

"Yeah, that's him, Lieu."

"And you want to stay partnered up with him?"

Ray nodded.

"And the . . . . aliens promised they'll bring the, uh, rest of him back soon?"

"Yeah."

Welsh sighed. "This goes against my better judgement, but . . . what the hell. It won't be any weirder than half the other crap the two of you have put me through."

"Thank you, sir. You won't regret this!"

"I'm regretting it already, Constable. Kowalski? You've got two days off. Use the time to come up with some kind of a cover story. I trust your powers of bullshitting haven't deserted you."

"No, sir. I mean . . . .yes, sir. We'll come up with . . . something."

"See that you do. Now get yourself and . . .your partner out of my office."

~~*~~*~~*~~

Ray got in behind the wheel of the GTO and put the open bag down beside him, then slumped down in his seat. "You doing okay over there, Frase?" he asked without looking over at the passenger side.

"Yes, thank you . . . just fine. That seemed to go rather smoothly, didn't it?"

"Uh-huh."

"Ray? I was just wondering, now that things have been . . . ."

"No."

"But if you could just explain . . . .."

"I said no."

"It's just . . . when you and I were in the parking lot . . . ."

"I thought we'd agreed not to talk about this, Fraser."

". . . and the aliens started to take my body away . . . ."

"Fair warning, I'm gonna give you to Dief to play with."

". . . what exactly did you mean when you screamed ‛Dammit, this isn't the head I
was hoping for!'"

Ray started to undo his seatbelt.

"Ray. Ray. Ray . . . where are you going?"

"I'm going back in to see if it's too late to put in for a transfer."

From the bottom of the unzipped sports bag, Fraser's head grinned.

(717 words)