What cliche is *this* supposed to be?

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

A shaggy dog story (sans Dief) written way past my bedtime, which contains elements of #1 (Trapped in an elevator or other small space) and #12 (Sudden disability requires one person to care intimately for the other), with a little belated Semi-Naive!Fraser thrown in for good measure at the end.


Lieutenant Welsh looked up from his paperwork at his detective and sighed. "Kowalski, what part of 'you've got to work with a partner' don't you understand?"

"What part of 'I've already got a partner' don't you understand?" Ray said. " For Chrissakes, Lieu . . . just because the guy got himself into a little trouble, you can't just . . . ."

"A little trouble? Kowalski, he was abducted by aliens! We all saw it happen."

Ray flopped down on the lieutenant's couch. "Yeah, well . . . look, they said they were going to bring him back, so this is like . . . can't you just think of this like Fraser's gone on vacation or something?"

"To another planet?"

"He'll be gone two weeks, Lieu. Three, tops."

Welsh shook his head. "I know you miss him, Ray. We all do. When someone loses a partner, it can be rough, But you've got to face facts. He's gone, son, and . . . . "

"Not all of him."

"What?"

Ray got up from the couch. He put his sports bag down on Welsh's desk "Okay, Lieutenant," he whispered.. " I've got something to show you, but you gotta promise you're not going to freak out."

"I don't 'freak out,' Kowalski. I never 'freak out.'"

"Yeah, okay, so . . . .here." He unzipped the bag, then crooked his finger. "Take a look."

Cautiously, Welsh looked in the bag.

"Good afternoon, Lieutenant."

Welsh jumped back from the desk, his eyes wild. "What in the name of all that's holy . . . do you know what that is, Kowalski?"

"Shhhhh! You said you weren't going to freak out!"

"That's . . . a head in that bag," Welsh said. "Fraser's head!"

"Yeah," mumbled Kowalski. "I know."

"Perhaps if I might explain the situation to the lieutenant, Ray. It's actually quite an interesting story. You see . . . "

Welsh stared back in the bag. "It's . . . talking. Fraser's head is talking."

"I know."

"Make it stop."

Ray shook his head. "Make Fraser stop talking? Can't be done."

"Ray, I hardly think that adding insult to injury is called for at this juncture."

"Sorry, buddy," Ray said, patting the bag. He turned back to Welsh. "See? It's still him. It's still Fraser. I don't want a new partner, Lieutenant."

"Thank you kindly, Ray. And I don't want a new partner, either."

"Will the two of you both stop already!" Welsh said. "You're giving me the heebie-jeebies!"

"Sorry, Lieu."

"My apologies, Lieutenant Welsh."

Welsh sat down heavily in his chair. Nobody spoke for some time.

"So. That's really Fraser in there?"

". . . and then Snuffy Prescott said, that's the last time I . . . . "

"Yeah, that's him, Lieu."

"And you want to stay partnered up with him?"

Ray nodded.

"And the . . . . aliens promised they'll bring the, uh, rest of him back soon?"

"Yeah."

Welsh sighed. "This goes against my better judgement, but . . . what the hell. It won't be any weirder than half the other crap the two of you have put me through."

"Thank you, sir. You won't regret this!"

"I'm regretting it already, Constable. Kowalski? You've got two days off. Use the time to come up with some kind of a cover story. I trust your powers of bullshitting haven't deserted you."

"No, sir. I mean . . . .yes, sir. We'll come up with . . . something."

"See that you do. Now get yourself and . . .your partner out of my office."

~~*~~*~~*~~

Ray got in behind the wheel of the GTO and put the open bag down beside him, then slumped down in his seat. "You doing okay over there, Frase?" he asked without looking over at the passenger side.

"Yes, thank you . . . just fine. That seemed to go rather smoothly, didn't it?"

"Uh-huh."

"Ray? I was just wondering, now that things have been . . . ."

"No."

"But if you could just explain . . . .."

"I said no."

"It's just . . . when you and I were in the parking lot . . . ."

"I thought we'd agreed not to talk about this, Fraser."

". . . and the aliens started to take my body away . . . ."

"Fair warning, I'm gonna give you to Dief to play with."

". . . what exactly did you mean when you screamed ‛Dammit, this isn't the head I
was hoping for!'"

Ray started to undo his seatbelt.

"Ray. Ray. Ray . . . where are you going?"

"I'm going back in to see if it's too late to put in for a transfer."

From the bottom of the unzipped sports bag, Fraser's head grinned.

(717 words)

Comments

[ajinamoto.livejournal.com]

Wooooooo hooooo! I'm howling with laughter (see the icon?). *g*

You have only yourself to blame. After all, you're the one we've been blaming for stuff, aren't you?

I love this. Poor Welsh. Poor Fraser. And especially poor Ray...

". . . what exactly did you mean when you screamed ‛Dammit, this isn't the head I
was hoping for!'"

P.S. I'm sending more crack your way

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Hee! All undeserved blame cheerfully accepted at the house of bethbethbeth. *g*

P.S. I'm sending more crack your way

Good girl!

[tobyfan.livejournal.com]

Hahahahahaha

This is a scream!

It's stories like this that remind me why I love this fandom so much.

*g*

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

You didn't think it was too serious, did you? Because I could *try* to add an improbable situation or two if . . .

*g*

(glad it made you laugh)

[beledibabe.livejournal.com]

Crack? *Crack*????

Shit, honey, whatever it is, I want some!

You are not only funny, but sicksicksick.

And I mean that in a good way...

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

See, here's the thing. I have this image of myself as totally *not* sick (to say nothing of "sicksicksick"). And yet the moment, my back is turned, something like *this* springs forth from my subconscious.

This must be an example of those "hidden depths" people are always going on about. *g*

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

{{{{{SHRIEK! SHRIEK!! Ahhhhhhhghghghg!!!}}}}}}

Because the worst of it is? Mentally? I'm writing the sex scene!

I. Am. Going. To. HELL! I know it! I just know it!!!!

[aerye.livejournal.com]

The third time Fraser's head slipped out of his hands and rolled off the edge of the mattress, Ray pushed the bed up against the wall, and locked Dief out of the bedroom. Strictly as a precaution, he assured Fraser, who was protesting quite loudly that he was fine, just fine...

[aerye.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear fucking Lord. I died. I'm dead and gone to hell and still laughing my fucking ass off.

"Perhaps if I might explain the situation to the lieutenant, Ray. It's actually quite an interesting story. You see . . . "

Mwahhahahahahahah!

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

I live to serve!

[imkalena.livejournal.com]

". . . and the aliens started to take my body away . . . ."

"Fair warning, I'm gonna give you to Dief to play with."

::CHOKE::gasp::SNORGLE

It's official. I'm AFRAID of you. But I'm with Carla -- I'd pay serious money for whatever you've been smoking!

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

It's official. I'm AFRAID of you. But I'm with Carla -- I'd pay serious money for whatever you've been smoking!

Hey, I'll give it to you for free, hon. There's always room for more people over here in the Scary Place (tm).

[tinriddick.livejournal.com]

"Fair warning, I'm gonna give you to Dief to play with."

i have no words it's damn good!!
Very Funny ;)! And should i be worried that i can see this, in a somewhat unreasonable but fun way, in an episode ... sort of?? Hey, what happened to the stetson?? Is it in the bag too or did it go with his body...? Sorry.

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Um...the Stetson. Yeah. Um...Ray's wearing it. Right, that's it. I never forgot about it for a minute! *g*

(Glad it made you laugh!)

[akite.livejournal.com]

You know it's really good when the comments are almost as funny as the story. Oh, Lordy. Primo crack you must be smoking, Beth. ::g::

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Of course, it's just *snippet*-grade crack (short lasting), but it's powerful stuff! *g*

[lamardeuse.livejournal.com]

WHOO-HOO!

Beth is BACK IN THE HOUSE!

::going away to massage the stitch in my side::

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Hee!

(...and may I say I want to marry your icon? Mmmmm!)

[the-star-fish.livejournal.com]

Aaaaaaaand the winner of the "Chris Carter" award is ...

::ducks::

You are a silly silly grrl. But I nub you anyway.

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Oooh! I won an award!

Do the prizes include the two guys in your icon????

*g*

You owe me $3.50 for drycleaning

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

But I only have myself to blame for reading this while drinking wine. Did you know that snorting red wine through your nose is almost an hallucinogenic sensation?

So...if Ray passes the bag containing Fraser to the Lieutenant, is he giving Welsh head?

I laughed so hard reading this story I gave myself a headache. Which seems only proper.

Re: You owe me $3.50 for drycleaning

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Did you know that snorting red wine through your nose is almost an hallucinogenic sensation?

But I'll bet it's not as hallucinogenic as the carcass of a caribou. *G*

Glad I could make you get a headache. Um. No, that's not it. Laugh! There...that's it!

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Man, first Shay with the red wine and now you with the warm Pepsi; I'm thinking of adding a Nasal Warning to the story. *G*

(glad you liked it)

[shyday.livejournal.com]

"Make it stop."

...because all this laughing is making my stomach hurt. i want some of that kind of crack, baby.

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

i want some of that kind of crack, baby.

Mi crack es su crack!

*g*

[bluster.livejournal.com]

You have a truly warped, twisted, and demented mind to come up with this. And honestly, where's the cliche? Seems pretty original to me. Once I stop laughing I'll go back and find it. :-)

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Warped, Twisted, and Demented: I think that's my law firm! *g*

[rowanfairchild.livejournal.com]

Quick, the net! There! The curly-headed woman in the strange pyjamas running across the lawn!

:::wiping eyes:::

Bethski, you will always be my very favorite escaped lunatic. Add a Starbuck's Frappuccino to the list of snarfed beverages. *g*

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

You meant, of course: "Quick, the internet!"...right? *G*

And thank you kindly for costuming me in pajamas, at least. Streaking is *so* seventies. :)

[ozsaur.livejournal.com]

I'm going to hell but I know I'll be in good company. I'll just sit over here next to the brimstone and have hysterics now. Incredible!

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

I'm going to hell but I know I'll be in good company.

Hee. Yeah, it'll look pretty much like my entire friends list. *g*

Glad this amused you. :)

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Heh. Glad you liked it. (...and I have to admit, I *did* think of you as I was posting *g*)

[maubast.livejournal.com]

*giggle*

Too funny, Beth!

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Bast!

[byob-kenobi.livejournal.com]

This was so fantastically hysterical! I keep seeing Fraser's head as one of those Futurama heads-in-a jar. Brilliant!

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

*Thank* you! (...and thank you for giving me Jack to look at. Mmmm. I love icons. *g*)

[chesamus.livejournal.com]

". . . what exactly did you mean when you screamed ‛Dammit, this isn't the head I was hoping for!'"

My first thought was "Just what else is in that bag!" Fraser as bowling ball - the sex scene would probably give me a hernia!

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Hee! You know, I had originally thought of making the bag a bowling bag (a little tie-in with Vecchio *g*), but I didn't want poor Fraser's head to be mistaken for a bowling ball. :)

"That's . . . a head in that bag," Welsh said. "Fraser's head!"

[eledhwenlin]

Heh. *snicker*

That was funny. :D

Re: "That's . . . a head in that bag," Welsh said. "Fraser's head!"

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Thanks! And thank you for reminding me I wrote this. :)

[brokenwindopane.livejournal.com]

. . . what exactly did you mean when you screamed ‛Dammit, this isn't the head I was hoping for!' made me laugh so hard, my eyes started tearing up.

Great crack!fic.

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! It's great getting feedback on stories written long ago!