ds_flashfiction | Flashfic

Many, many beta thanks to LauraKaye.

Ray should have known there was going to be trouble when Welsh called all four of them into his
office. At first it wouldn't seem so bad but somehow these cases always devolved into chaos. This
time, Welsh had said they needed some undercover security at some corporate shindig. The problem was
that this corporation had recently moved its manufacturing plant from Illinois to somewhere cheaper in
South America, and someone, probably someone that had gotten laid off, had been sending some
threatening letters to the CEO. Their job was to keep an eye out and make sure no ex-employees or
anyone else went postal at the big publicity event. Seems the company was introducing a new line to
its investors at a snazzy luncheon down at the Sheraton.
"Line of what?" Ray had asked.
"Men's underwear," Welsh had said.
Ray figured Fraser would make it as an underwear model, but he was pretty worried about the rest of
them.

*

Ray struggled into his costume, cursing Welsh, cursing whoever invented foam rubber, and especially
cursing whatever marketing jackass at the Cornucopia Textile Company decided that four grown men
dressed as vegetables would help sell underwear. He looked in the mirror and a very angry looking
carrot stared back at him. If he had to be a carrot, he'd be a menacing one.
There was a knock on the louvered dressing room door.
"Ray? Are you finished? Does your costume fit all right?"
Ray opened the door to find Fraser in what was probably the only outfit ever to not
flatter him. Of course, it was red, which was appropriate, but it was a radish, which was not.

"It's more comfortable than I expected," said Fraser, "And yours seems to fit as well. Although I
might suggest that a more cheerful visage would be more impressive to the investors."

"Screw the investors," growled Ray the Angry Carrot.

"Language, Ray," chided Fraser.

*

Ray had to admit that maybe, just this once, he hadn't gotten the worst part of the deal. Jack was looking pretty bad in his asparagus get-up, but Dewey had it even worse. He was dressed as very large, very bright yellow bell pepper; the outfit did nothing for his physique or his skin tone. Typically, Dewey was cracking bad jokes. "Guess we got the raw end of this deal!" he said, elbowing Ray in the ribs. His gaze drifted over Ray’s shoulder and he leered at a young brunette wearing a “Cornucopia Cares” badge. “Hey baby,” he said, "wanna see my salad shooter?"

Ray groaned.

*

The luncheon and fashion show were in one of the hotel ballrooms. The four of them, awkward and hot in
their costumes, were ushered in by a too cheerful young guy with a shiny suit and overly moussed hair who introduced himself as Kyle and kept reminding them to "smile bright!"

Ray grimaced.

"Show some teeth!" suggested the cheerful guy, "Just Look at Rodney Radish here; he knows
how to be a happy vegetable!"

The fashion show was before lunch and while the models strutted down the runway, the four of them
posed for pictures and signed autographs. Ray scrawled, "to Timmy, be good and eat your vegeatbles" on
a program for a gray-haired lady who cooed, "Corey Carrot has always been my son's favorite!" She
patted his cheek. Ray was glad to see a chic middle-aged blonde was foiled by Fraser's costume in her
attempt to fondle him. Thanks to the padding, Fraser didn't even notice. Ray rolled his eyes. Even dressed as a six-foot tall radish, Fraser still got attention.

Just as a Ray was signing an autograph for a portly guy who said his kids "just loved those zany
commercials”, all hell broke loose. The CEO was at the head of the buffet line when the guy carving
the roast beef lunged forward with his fork. Ray saw the carver leap forward and pushed past the
autograph hounds to intercept him. His costume made him awkward; he ducked to make sure his green top didn’t get stuck in a chandelier. Luckily, Fraser had seen the guy too, and reached for the CEO,
yanking him out harm's way. People started screaming, which caught Huey and Dewey's attention. They
tried to sneak up behind the mad carver while Ray ran towards him. The guy was yelling something
about jobs and NAFTA and was waving his carving tools around wildly. Apiece of roast flew off the end of the fork and landed in Kyle’s hair. The carver lunged again, this time at Fraser, and Ray didn't hesitate to step into the path of the fork. Ray saw it sink into the chest of his costume, but he felt nothing. The big foamy carrot costume was better than body armor; the mother of pearl handle stuck out at an odd angle, au jus dribbling down from where the tines pierced the rubber. The disgruntled carver tried to pull it out, but it wouldn't budge. While he screamed something nasty about meddling vegetables, Huey and Dewey caught him from behind.

"You're under arrest," said Ray the Carrot.

*

Several days later, Ray arrived at work to find a wrapped parcel on his desk. Inside was an effusive
note from the grateful CEO who hoped that Ray would accept a small token of appreciation. Under
several layers of tissue paper were an assortment of men's underwear. Cornucopia had certainly lived
up to its name; Black bikinis, red satin boxers, and plain white briefs were only a few of the items.
Ray rifled through the box, raised his eyebrow at some of the contents, then decided that, as a police
officer, he couldn't accept the gift.

They were Fraser's size, after all.

*