ds_flashfiction | Movie Challenge

I got the idea for this from an episode of “Friends” - you’ll recognize the line if you’ve seen it. 1827 words.

Ben kissed me good morning/goodbye with a reminder that he’d be late tonight. Took a minute for my caffeine-free brain to remember why, then the details filtered in - reception, Italian Trade Liaison, mandatory face time.

“You sure you want to take Dief along? You know he hates that guy.” The Italian guy bred Siamese cats, said Dief would make a good rug. Who knew the wolf had picked up enough Italian hanging with the Vecchios to understand the insult?

“Not to worry, Ray. I have a plan.” Ben had to be the only human on the planet who could sound gleeful at 6:00 in the morning. I should have been worried.

********
I’d been home just long enough to put my gun away when a knock/howl sounded at the front door. I was more than a little surprised to find Sandor, not Fraser on the other side, clutching an obviously distressed and blue (no, green - what was that stuff?) wolf by the collar.

Sandor didn’t say anything. Dief just howled mournfully. I finally got my vocal cords operational. “Sandor, what the fuck’s doing on?”

“Haven’t a clue, man. I was heading over to work and I seen Dief skulking along the alleys. Thought I’d better get him here before he started freakin' the wrong people out and ended up in the pound or sumthin’ ya know?”

I dropped to my knees and ran my hands along the scruff of Dief’s neck. Whatever this green stuff was, it was gonna be a bitch to clean. “Dief, you alright?” Dief let out another plaintive moan, then bowled me over as he bounded into the apartment.

“Shit! Dief, Dief! you get back - oh for God’s sake, I’m yelling at a deaf wolf!” I jumped to my feet and followed the faint green paw prints into the bathroom. Dief was curled up in the bathtub, nose buried under his paws, still moaning. If I didn’t know better, I’d say the wolf was crying. Crying?! “Oh, hell! Sandor, a phone! Get me a phone!”

I barely got the last word out when every phone in the apartment started ringing - my home line, my cell, and Sandor’s. Bless the guy, he ignored his and picked up the portable first, then grabbed my cell and walked it into the bathroom.

“Which one ya want, Ray? Got someone babbling about some Italian guy on the portable, and Fraser on the other.”

Dief chose that moment to raise his muzzle and let out a howl that probably woke up every vampire in Chicago. The noise was amazing, especially when I added in the hysterics coming through on the portable and Fraser screaming my name on the other line. At least Sandor’s phone had stopped ringing. Man, I’d forgotten what an echo chamber a bathroom was. “Hang up the Italian guy and give me Fraser. And can you check the cupboard over the stove and see if I got any cookies or something?”

“Sure thing, Ray.” Sandor tossed one phone in the hamper and handed me the other before heading to the kitchen.

Dief slumped back into the tub - at least the echo had finally died down. Now I just had to deal with Ben doing his Ray!Ray! thing on the phone. “Ben, Ben--” Brother, Fraser was ranting about that Italian guy, too. “Damnit, Ben, take a breath and tell me what the fuck is going on?”

“Ray, did I just hear Diefenbaker? Is he there?” You know, I don’t think I’d ever heard Ben hysterical before.

“Yeah, he’s here. And I wanna know why your wolf - your green wolf - is crying in my bathtub!”

“Ray, I can’t explain - I’ll be over as soon as I can. You can’t imagine the chaos--” Yeah I could, but then I have a pretty good imagination. And from the sound of things at the other end of the phone, I’d say the Consulate had been invaded by an opera company on speed.

“Ben, you gotta give me something here--” Something, anything.

“Ray--” Someone on his end hit a note even louder than Dief’s, at which point Mr. ‘It Only Takes a Minute to be Polite’ hung up on me. I tossed my cell in the hamper next to the other one. The quiet was kinda restful.

Sandor came back from the kitchen empty-handed. “Sorry man, no sweets anywhere. Can I get you a pie?”

Now that was a thought. I reached into my hip pocket and pulled out my wallet, handed over all my cash.

“Make it two. One of my usual, and then another of my usuals, only no sauce.” Dief didn’t handle tomato sauce too good. “And if you swing by Krispy Kreme and pick up a dozen jelly-filled, you can keep the change.”

Once that was taken care of, I turned my eye to Dief. The green shit had to go. I didn’t want to leave him long enough to try and find that stuff Fraser used on him, besides it smelled something awful, so I figured I’d treat him to mine. From the feel of his coat, a conditioner would probably do him good, anyway.

********
Sandor came back with the pies and the donuts about the time I got Dief toweled off. The wolf still wasn’t willing to leave the bathroom, so I spread another towel on the floor and we ate in there. Well, I ate in there - I knew things were bad when Dief wouldn’t eat the pizza. And when I showed him the donuts, he just climbed into my lap and hid his face under my arm.

That’s where things were when Ben finally came home - me sitting on the floor in my underwear, consoling sixty pounds of mostly wet but not green anymore wolf.

“So, Ben, babe, how was your day?” I found out pretty early that anti-snark worked pretty well with Ben. In the face of overwhelming politeness, he collapsed like a balloon. It was fun sometimes.

“Oh, Ray, it’s been horrendous. Poor Diefenbaker.” He reached over to pet the fuzzy guy, only Dief must have smelled him or something, cuz he flinched away.

Obviously the gleeful plan had gone FUBAR in an amazing way. “I’ll take care of Dief, you just take a seat and tell me a story.”

Ben flipped down the toilet lid and sat down. Quite the picture we made, I’m sure. “Knowing how much antipathy Dief feels toward Mr. Zambrano, when Turnbull volunteered to keep an eye on him--”

“You thought you’d kill two birds with one stone since keeping an eye on Dief meant Turnbull wouldn’t be tripping over the carpet pattern.”

Ben sighed. “It really should have worked. Turnbull rented some films he thought Dief would enjoy and they retreated to the upstairs lounge while the Inspector and I oversaw the caterers.”

Well, that made sense. Dief loved movies. “So what happened?”

“Old Yeller.” Ben shuddered, so did I.

“You let Turnbull show our baby a doggy snuff film?!“

“I didn’t vet the movies first. Oh, Ray it was horrible! I gather Dief took strong objection to the wolf attacking Old Yeller, and then when Travis pulled out the gun to--well...”

And that imagination I got filled in the blanks. Dief probably tore out of the lounge. If I closed my eyes, I could see him hit that stupid little rug at the bottom of the stairs, slide across the lobby floor and bam! there goes the buffet, the petit-four cake thingies, and a bowl of green punch flipping over and landing on Zambrano’s head. Probably looked like the keystone cops, only in Italian.

“You got some serious crawling to do, buddy, because Dief ain’t gonna forget that anytime real soon. He turned down pizza and donuts, ya know. And next time I see Turnbull I’m gonna kick him in the head!”

Ben hung his head. “He didn’t know. I’m not precisely certain of the details - it’s difficult understanding Turnbull under the best of circumstances, let alone when he’s wearing a punchbowl on his head, but I gather his parents never let him watch the end of the film. He--”

“Wait a second, the punchbowl was on his head?” Ben nodded. Somehow, I figured Turnbull would be wearing the cakes. Had to rewind that a bit. Maybe Zambrano was wearing the cakes.

“I think I got the picture. Maybe you should go change while I talk to Dief, OK? I don’t think he’s ready for you just yet.” Ben got up slow, kinda sad, like maybe he was afraid Dief would never talk to him again. “Ben, he’s not mad, he’s scared. I’ll talk to him.” Another surprise when Ben left without arguing.

Dief relaxed once he did, I could feel it. I finally got him to look at me. “Dief, first thing you gotta understand is Turnbull is an idiot. Means well, and he’s kind and courteous like all the rest of them mounties, but he’s an idiot. Second of all, Ben did NOT pick out the movies. No way he would have wanted you to see that movie.” Dief whimpered a bit. I guess that wasn’t the problem.

“Right. It’s not a good movie to watch - hell, it gave me nightmares when I was a kid, too. But things like that don’t happen. You get your shots every year, right?” Dief nodded. “And even if you did get sick, they can treat that now--” Actually I didn’t have a clue if they could or would treat an animal, but I can do sincere, and that’s what Dief needed. “So no matter what happened, we’d make sure you got fixed.”

He wasn’t convinced, and I was stumped for a bit, trying to figure out what else bothered him. I never saw the movie except that once, and I really had to think about what else happened. Maybe, maybe...

“Didn’t like the idea of Travis having to do that, did ya? And you don’t want Fraser to have to do that.” Yep, got it in two. Dief was practically shaking out of his coat. “All right. Here’s the deal. If anything happens, and you need to, well, if it has to happen, I’ll take care of it so Ben doesn’t have to, OK?”

So I’m freaking out now, but Dief is suddenly a much happier camper. He crawled off my lap, licked me from chin to ear, and bounded over to the bedroom so he could reconnect with Ben. I got up - it wasn’t easy after sitting on a cold tile floor for an hour or so - and took the leftovers into the kitchen.

I could hear the two of them in the bedroom talking, probably even crying a little. It would take awhile before things got back to normal, and it would likely be months before he was allowed to set a paw inside the consulate, but that was cool. He could hang with me. We’re buddies.