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ds_flashfictionNOTE: I found a Turtle Icon!
1227 words inspired by a prescription for phenergan which had me watching Star Trek with the TV off - for three days!
“Kowalski, where the hell are you?” Welsh sounded pissed.
“Hello to you, too, Lieutenant. And how are you this morning?” Hey, it only takes a minute to be polite, right?
“Get back to the station. Now!” And he hung up on me, which wasn’t polite at all. I turned to my partner in law enforcement sitting next to me. Dief didn’t get the chance to ride shotgun that often, but then Fraser only got sick in alternate decades. I didn’t figure I’d spoil the wolf by letting him move up a seat while Fraser was drugged at home. Served the mountie right - I told him licking strange evidence was not a good idea.
“No way I could have done something stupid this early in the morning. Did you steal his donuts?” Dief just grinned at me.
“All right, I’ll take your word for it.” I did a u-turn in the middle of the road and headed back to the station.
********
It was pretty obvious some kind of weirdness was happening, what with everybody standing around whispering and shaking their heads. Nobody said nothing to me except for the desk sergeant who told me Welsh wanted me ASAP.
More quiet in the squad room, which could have meant anything - the Duck boys weren’t there, after all. Welsh had his blinds down, though. I was getting real twitchy by the time I tapped on his door.
“If you aren’t Kowalski, go away. If you are, get your ass in here!” Oh, man, that did not sound promising. Dief was doing this whining thing and nosing my hand, like he wanted me to hurry up and use my opposable thumb.
Dief knocked me over once I opened the door. By the time I got up, he was back out of the office and under my desk. Yeah, this was going to suck big ones. I took a deep breath and stepped inside.
Whatever I was expecting, what I got wasn’t it. Welsh looked like he was trying desperately not to laugh. The noise coming from under my desk sounded like Dief failing at the same thing. Can’t blame them, I suppose. After all, Fraser usually looked like a recruiting poster most of the time, except when he looked better (which in my opinion, was when he was naked, but I’m not going there right now). Anyway, I couldn’t do much more than stare.
Fraser was standing at parade rest, I think. Trying to, anyway. The tunic looked great, even unbuttoned, the stetson was straight on his head, and the boots were nice and shiny. I thought the fire engine pajama bottoms were a nice touch, but the fish bowl under his arm had me worried.
“Ben, how are you even awake?” The doctor said the allergy medication would probably knock him flat on his ass for a couple days.
“I’m up with the dawn, always, always.” He was snoring when I left.
“Fine, up with the dawn. What the hell are you doing here?”
“I had to, Ray. I had to get him to safety.”
“Who - Ben, is somebody in trouble? Are you okay?”
“There is a walrus in the refrigerator trying to eat Petey.”
“A walrus?” Welsh dropped into his chair. I’m surprised he didn’t bite through his lip.
“Indeed. A walrus. And he made his intentions quite clear.” Fraser shook his head from side to side - how bizarre was it that his head moved, but his hat didn’t? “I had no choice Ray. I had to rescue Petey.”
Yeah, like that made sense. I took a closer look at the fishbowl. “Uh, Ben, you know my turtle’s name is Sammy, right?”
He got this shit-eating grin on his face. He covered the top of the bowl with his hand then leaned over and put his mouth right up to my ear. “Actually, Ray, his name is Petey. He just lets you call him Sam.” He straightened back up and got serious again. “Be that as it may, something had to be done.”
“Um, Ben, you know you coulda just called me and I would have come home.”
“And that is just what he wanted me to do. I know walruses, Ray. You can’t trust them. I turn my back to place the phone call and it’s curtains for Petey.”
Welsh was laughing hard enough that I thought he was going to lose a lung. “So you figured bringing him here was your best bet, huh?”
“Naturally, Ray. I hope he can remain in protective custody until we rout the beast. I thought perhaps the Leftenant might be able to requisition a harpoon.”
Oh, jeez. I was beginning to appreciate Moby Dick in a whole new way. “Ben, I’m not checked out on harpoons. Can’t I just shoot the walrus?”
“Certainly not, Ray. That will only make him angry. No, I’m very much afraid you’re going to have to use something with a bit more force behind it.”
Welsh staggered to his feet. Nice that he finally got the hysteria under control. Anyway, he mumbled something about finding me a harpoon and tried to leave, but I managed to grab his arm.
“Lieu, can you take it right to the car - maybe through the loading dock?” I handed Welsh the keys and hoped he understood I didn’t want to take Fraser back through the station like he was. “And maybe Frannie can call the doctor and get information about, uh, tranquilizers?”
“Ray, you’re brilliant!” Fraser sounded so happy - couldn’t imagine why. “I hadn’t even considered tranquilizing the walrus.”
I gotta be honest, neither had I. I just wanted Frannie to find out why my lover was seeing walruses in my fridge. “I - well, killing a walrus isn’t something I take lightly.”
“Ray, your concern for our fellow creatures is quite admirable. I must admit that I didn’t relish the idea of killing the walrus, however malicious or conniving I consider it to be. And it’s not as if we would benefit from it’s demise. They aren’t the best tasting mammal, you know.”
Somehow, I had missed any opportunity on our adventure to try walrus, so I couldn’t respond to that. Welsh just ran out of the office and shut the door - Mort could probably hear him laughing all the way down in the morgue. “I’ll take your word on that one. How’s about we head home and do some hunting, okay? I think Sammy - excuse me, Petey - is getting kinda homesick.”
“”He gets bored in his tank, Ray, and would very much appreciate a change of scenery now and then.” Fraser stopped, put his ear to the bowl. “He’d also like some sex.”
“Maybe we can find him a nice girl turtle at the pet store, Fraser.” Like anyone other than another turtle could tell the difference.
“A boy turtle, Ray. It may come as a shock to you, but he’s gay.” So now I have this picture in my head of gay turtle sex which I will try to spend the rest of my life trying to get rid of.
I gently took the fishbowl under one arm, and used my other hand to guide Fraser toward the back stairs. “Let’s go home and shoot us a walrus, Ben.”
Hunting walrus in downtown Chicago - sounded like a typical day with my favorite freak. Just call me the Eggman.
1227 words inspired by a prescription for phenergan which had me watching Star Trek with the TV off - for three days!
“Kowalski, where the hell are you?” Welsh sounded pissed.
“Hello to you, too, Lieutenant. And how are you this morning?” Hey, it only takes a minute to be polite, right?
“Get back to the station. Now!” And he hung up on me, which wasn’t polite at all. I turned to my partner in law enforcement sitting next to me. Dief didn’t get the chance to ride shotgun that often, but then Fraser only got sick in alternate decades. I didn’t figure I’d spoil the wolf by letting him move up a seat while Fraser was drugged at home. Served the mountie right - I told him licking strange evidence was not a good idea.
“No way I could have done something stupid this early in the morning. Did you steal his donuts?” Dief just grinned at me.
“All right, I’ll take your word for it.” I did a u-turn in the middle of the road and headed back to the station.
********
It was pretty obvious some kind of weirdness was happening, what with everybody standing around whispering and shaking their heads. Nobody said nothing to me except for the desk sergeant who told me Welsh wanted me ASAP.
More quiet in the squad room, which could have meant anything - the Duck boys weren’t there, after all. Welsh had his blinds down, though. I was getting real twitchy by the time I tapped on his door.
“If you aren’t Kowalski, go away. If you are, get your ass in here!” Oh, man, that did not sound promising. Dief was doing this whining thing and nosing my hand, like he wanted me to hurry up and use my opposable thumb.
Dief knocked me over once I opened the door. By the time I got up, he was back out of the office and under my desk. Yeah, this was going to suck big ones. I took a deep breath and stepped inside.
Whatever I was expecting, what I got wasn’t it. Welsh looked like he was trying desperately not to laugh. The noise coming from under my desk sounded like Dief failing at the same thing. Can’t blame them, I suppose. After all, Fraser usually looked like a recruiting poster most of the time, except when he looked better (which in my opinion, was when he was naked, but I’m not going there right now). Anyway, I couldn’t do much more than stare.
Fraser was standing at parade rest, I think. Trying to, anyway. The tunic looked great, even unbuttoned, the stetson was straight on his head, and the boots were nice and shiny. I thought the fire engine pajama bottoms were a nice touch, but the fish bowl under his arm had me worried.
“Ben, how are you even awake?” The doctor said the allergy medication would probably knock him flat on his ass for a couple days.
“I’m up with the dawn, always, always.” He was snoring when I left.
“Fine, up with the dawn. What the hell are you doing here?”
“I had to, Ray. I had to get him to safety.”
“Who - Ben, is somebody in trouble? Are you okay?”
“There is a walrus in the refrigerator trying to eat Petey.”
“A walrus?” Welsh dropped into his chair. I’m surprised he didn’t bite through his lip.
“Indeed. A walrus. And he made his intentions quite clear.” Fraser shook his head from side to side - how bizarre was it that his head moved, but his hat didn’t? “I had no choice Ray. I had to rescue Petey.”
Yeah, like that made sense. I took a closer look at the fishbowl. “Uh, Ben, you know my turtle’s name is Sammy, right?”
He got this shit-eating grin on his face. He covered the top of the bowl with his hand then leaned over and put his mouth right up to my ear. “Actually, Ray, his name is Petey. He just lets you call him Sam.” He straightened back up and got serious again. “Be that as it may, something had to be done.”
“Um, Ben, you know you coulda just called me and I would have come home.”
“And that is just what he wanted me to do. I know walruses, Ray. You can’t trust them. I turn my back to place the phone call and it’s curtains for Petey.”
Welsh was laughing hard enough that I thought he was going to lose a lung. “So you figured bringing him here was your best bet, huh?”
“Naturally, Ray. I hope he can remain in protective custody until we rout the beast. I thought perhaps the Leftenant might be able to requisition a harpoon.”
Oh, jeez. I was beginning to appreciate Moby Dick in a whole new way. “Ben, I’m not checked out on harpoons. Can’t I just shoot the walrus?”
“Certainly not, Ray. That will only make him angry. No, I’m very much afraid you’re going to have to use something with a bit more force behind it.”
Welsh staggered to his feet. Nice that he finally got the hysteria under control. Anyway, he mumbled something about finding me a harpoon and tried to leave, but I managed to grab his arm.
“Lieu, can you take it right to the car - maybe through the loading dock?” I handed Welsh the keys and hoped he understood I didn’t want to take Fraser back through the station like he was. “And maybe Frannie can call the doctor and get information about, uh, tranquilizers?”
“Ray, you’re brilliant!” Fraser sounded so happy - couldn’t imagine why. “I hadn’t even considered tranquilizing the walrus.”
I gotta be honest, neither had I. I just wanted Frannie to find out why my lover was seeing walruses in my fridge. “I - well, killing a walrus isn’t something I take lightly.”
“Ray, your concern for our fellow creatures is quite admirable. I must admit that I didn’t relish the idea of killing the walrus, however malicious or conniving I consider it to be. And it’s not as if we would benefit from it’s demise. They aren’t the best tasting mammal, you know.”
Somehow, I had missed any opportunity on our adventure to try walrus, so I couldn’t respond to that. Welsh just ran out of the office and shut the door - Mort could probably hear him laughing all the way down in the morgue. “I’ll take your word on that one. How’s about we head home and do some hunting, okay? I think Sammy - excuse me, Petey - is getting kinda homesick.”
“”He gets bored in his tank, Ray, and would very much appreciate a change of scenery now and then.” Fraser stopped, put his ear to the bowl. “He’d also like some sex.”
“Maybe we can find him a nice girl turtle at the pet store, Fraser.” Like anyone other than another turtle could tell the difference.
“A boy turtle, Ray. It may come as a shock to you, but he’s gay.” So now I have this picture in my head of gay turtle sex which I will try to spend the rest of my life trying to get rid of.
I gently took the fishbowl under one arm, and used my other hand to guide Fraser toward the back stairs. “Let’s go home and shoot us a walrus, Ben.”
Hunting walrus in downtown Chicago - sounded like a typical day with my favorite freak. Just call me the Eggman.
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no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 03:31 am (UTC)Ahahaha! and so will I. Very amusing :)
no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 02:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 03:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 02:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 03:54 am (UTC)I loved Fraser in his fire engine red PJ's, so cute!
no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 02:20 pm (UTC)I thought the pjs made a nice fashion statement, too.
fins up
Date: 2003-11-25 04:09 am (UTC)Genius.
Re: fins up
Date: 2003-11-25 02:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 04:15 am (UTC)”He gets bored in his tank, Ray, and would very much appreciate a change of scenery now and then.” Fraser stopped, put his ear to the bowl. “He’d also like some sex.”
*snorgle* Fraser is nothing if not a thoughtful man . . . Love it!
no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 02:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 05:34 am (UTC)Suddenly I'm having visions of a whole slew of people going about the complicated business of isolating and killing this imaginary walrus.
I haven't laughed so hard in ages. ^_^
no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 02:30 pm (UTC)Glad it made you laugh. Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 05:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 02:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 07:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 02:32 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:Gay Turtle Sex
Date: 2003-11-25 09:34 am (UTC)Hysterical. If I used monikers with the word "sex" in them I'd BEG your permission to use Gay Turtle Sex. A veritable scream!
Re: Gay Turtle Sex
Date: 2003-11-25 02:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 12:38 pm (UTC)Turtle sex! Walrus harpooning! Fire engine pyjama bottoms!
I love this fandom. :-)
no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 02:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 03:13 pm (UTC)Ray has a gay turtle. *giggle* That's too hilarious!!
no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 03:31 pm (UTC)And Fraser only thinks he's gay. Actually, he's bi!
no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 04:23 pm (UTC)Very funny, dude.
no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 09:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 04:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 09:32 pm (UTC)You're welcome!
no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 09:35 pm (UTC)I'm sensitive to everything, probably why I never tried any of the illegal stuff. Why risk pot when you can get stoned on sudafed?
no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 05:44 pm (UTC)“Fine, up with the dawn. What the hell are you doing here?”
Evil, Ches. Very evil. I love it. Trust Fraser to be such an adorable stoner. Fabulous job. :-)
no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 09:37 pm (UTC)Thank you.
all hail the Eggman!!
Date: 2003-11-25 06:20 pm (UTC)Yeah. It's the Good. SOOOO well done!
:)pg
Re: all hail the Eggman!!
Date: 2003-11-25 09:40 pm (UTC)Thank you, thank you!
no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 06:57 pm (UTC)Walrus!!!
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!
no subject
Date: 2003-11-25 09:41 pm (UTC)(I just love acronyms, don't you?)
no subject
Date: 2003-11-28 12:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-28 12:10 am (UTC)Very very silly and sweet.
no subject
Date: 2003-11-28 12:14 am (UTC)Silly is a very good thing. TYK.
I'm going to be laughing all day!
Date: 2003-11-28 09:24 pm (UTC)ROTFLMAO! Walrus? Fire engine pj bottoms? Gay turtle sex!?!!! If I'd been drinking I would have surely baptized my monitor - several times over!
Bravisima! What a perfect first fic to read here! I can't get the image of higher than a kite Fraser standing in front of Welsh out of my head! Thank you kindly!
__
Janice
Re: I'm going to be laughing all day!
Date: 2003-11-28 10:35 pm (UTC)Take the time to play in the dS flashfiction memories section of the journal to catch the previous challenges and entries. I am amazed at the authors who contribute on a regular basis, and the feedback is addictive (particularly positive feedback like yours!). I'm relatively new at this, and would not have dared to continue without it!
Thanks again and welcome!
no subject
Date: 2003-11-30 08:00 pm (UTC)Bwah! Bwaaaahahahhahahaha! You rule.
no subject
Date: 2003-11-30 10:18 pm (UTC)Koo Koo Ca Choo
Date: 2003-12-01 07:19 pm (UTC)Re: Koo Koo Ca Choo
Date: 2003-12-01 07:29 pm (UTC)I'm fortunate that my US rep is one of the few openly gay members of congress who is pounding a lot of pavement fighting this tooth and nail (Go Tammy!).
no subject
Date: 2007-03-03 09:09 am (UTC)Loopy!Fraser had me laughing helplessly from start to finish. I think I love you.
no subject
Date: 2007-03-03 07:25 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2007-05-30 02:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-30 02:14 am (UTC)in which I am very late.
Date: 2008-01-03 03:04 pm (UTC)Gay Turtle Sex. You've invented a new genre! (gay)Turtles everywhere will thank you, I'm sure. :) Also? The image of Fraser in fire-engine PJs and red serge is perfect.