cut tags conquered! -
Apr. 23rd, 2003 01:51 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
foolme8.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
ds_flashfiction...i hope. If this doesn't cut away like its supposed to, don't blame me - blame the lj users who responded to my plea for aid....
anyway, 1000 words exactly! - feel free to flay me with critique, please (really!), i'm trying to get the hang of writing short fiction and advice would be appreciated -
One Good Thing
Benton tried to think of something good about all this. After all, once you found one thing, others fell into place.
He paused at the bus stop, checking the times of service even though it was highly unlikely that this quiet island would run late night buses. And yes, no services after eight although there was a little note at the side that said that due to the island’s increasing population, there would increased services soon.
A little snort escaped him, but as he was alone in the middle of nowhere, he didn’t feel too guilty about that lapse in manners. But still, increasing population? He had been here barely a month but he already knew that judging by birth rates, yearly reports on island immigrant and emigrant numbers and the recent trends in worldwide -.
“What’s so funny?”
He didn’t jump. He didn’t. Just turned and jerked back in surprise, backing up hard against the post. There was a loud thunk at that, then a ringing rattling sound which decreased in volume as the post settled. It took a while.
The cackling laughter wasn’t helping his embarrassment. Out of the darkness of the bus shelter came this figure that, frankly, took his breath away. He felt his jaw drop, heard his grandmother chastising him that he looked like an idiot, and closed his mouth quickly.
It wasn’t that he hadn’t expected to see anyone this late at night, on a deserted road, deserted even by this island’s standards, but that he had never expected to see someone like this, someone that could have come straight from a club in the city. His city, thousands of miles away.
“So?” the blond punk asked, smirking. Tight leather trousers hugging long, long legs - Oh! - hugging a slim waist and Benton had this almost uncontrollable urge to grab those cocky hips – so arrogant even his hips had attitude! – and swing him around to check whether the behind would be as perfect as the front suggested.
“So?” He didn’t squeak. He didn’t. It was just that he had just turned sixteen and his body was going through changes and -.
“So,” nodded the punk, glinting eyes laughing at him from under his spiked hair. Short spikes, gleaming, looking so soft in the weak white light of the lamp above them. He had a way of looking up from under his eyebrows, tilting his head just so and yes, black eyeliner really did suit men sometimes. Really.
They looked of similar age, definitely not older than Benton. No, younger, he thought with satisfaction and with that his confidence came panting back.
“Benton Fraser,” he introduced himself, standing tall. “And you are?”
The punk blinked, looking taken aback at his sudden formality. His hands came out of his back pockets, arms wrapping around himself. It was defensive, even if his smirk remained in place. “Ray Kowalski.”
“I’m sorry,” Benton blurted out. Something important was happening and he had just hurt Ray and he had to make it better or it could all slip away.
Ray smiled. “Okay.” Just like that. No questions asked. His arms came down and went back where it belonged, and he looked all sexy and cocky again. “Okay, Fraser. Mind if I call you Fraser, Benton Fraser?”
“Fraser is fine. Ray.”
Ray talked fast, fidgeted, and said ‘Fraser’ lazily. Ray was adopted, sent here to boarding school with the real son, another Ray. Ray had arrived yesterday and decided that he was running away today.
“You can’t leave,” Benton said, doing the blurting thing again. But he was getting very tired of important things slipping away.
“Oh yeah?” Ray’s arms came out to hang loosely by his sides, vibrating with tension. “Says who? They won’t catch me. I’ll be home in no time.” He glowered. “My real home.”
Benton had to get himself together after that adorable glower. “I’m boarding too.” Oh yes, such a convincing argument. He suddenly felt the desire to tell Ray that he possessed an IQ of 180, which didn’t mean much as he was highly suspicious of the testing methods but -.
“And?”
Some hurt must have shown on his face because Ray was instantly contrite, one hand coming up to clutch Benton’s arm in apology.
“Sorry, sorry, I’m just, you know, I’m just - .” Ray frowned down at the ground, his fingers still wrapped around Benton’s arm and Benton was trying not to make it obvious that he was taking advantage of the close proximity to sniff him. Then Ray looked back up at him, eyes too vulnerable. Benton stopped breathing. “I don’t fit in, Fraser. I didn’t fit in before but now I fit in even less. Can you see me with any of those kids in that school? And Vecchio! Vecchio – .”
It seemed that Ray had no words bad enough to describe Ray Vecchio. Benton thought he looked adorable when he was angry. He had a bad feeling Ray would look adorable no matter what. He was quite clearly smitten and Benton Fraser smitten was a frightening event, not least to Benton Fraser himself.
“Ray.” The ranting carried on. “Ray.” It seemed he needed to raise his voice. “Ray!”
“What?” Ray asked, shutting up in mid-sentence. He looked up at Benton with that tilted head move which made Benton feel taller. It also made him feel very protective of Ray, which really, he already felt anyway but it was a very sexy move so the protective feelings got even more intense. More proprietorial.
And Ray was waiting expectantly.
“I don’t fit in either.”
“Yes you do.”
“I don’t.” He said firmly. “I didn’t fit in before and I don’t fit in now.” It was almost word for word what Ray had said and he saw Ray taking that in. “And I can see you with me.”
“You can?”
“Definitely.”
Ray came closer, testing. “Was that tough to say?”
Benton licked his lips. “Not at all.”
anyway, 1000 words exactly! - feel free to flay me with critique, please (really!), i'm trying to get the hang of writing short fiction and advice would be appreciated -
One Good Thing
Benton tried to think of something good about all this. After all, once you found one thing, others fell into place.
He paused at the bus stop, checking the times of service even though it was highly unlikely that this quiet island would run late night buses. And yes, no services after eight although there was a little note at the side that said that due to the island’s increasing population, there would increased services soon.
A little snort escaped him, but as he was alone in the middle of nowhere, he didn’t feel too guilty about that lapse in manners. But still, increasing population? He had been here barely a month but he already knew that judging by birth rates, yearly reports on island immigrant and emigrant numbers and the recent trends in worldwide -.
“What’s so funny?”
He didn’t jump. He didn’t. Just turned and jerked back in surprise, backing up hard against the post. There was a loud thunk at that, then a ringing rattling sound which decreased in volume as the post settled. It took a while.
The cackling laughter wasn’t helping his embarrassment. Out of the darkness of the bus shelter came this figure that, frankly, took his breath away. He felt his jaw drop, heard his grandmother chastising him that he looked like an idiot, and closed his mouth quickly.
It wasn’t that he hadn’t expected to see anyone this late at night, on a deserted road, deserted even by this island’s standards, but that he had never expected to see someone like this, someone that could have come straight from a club in the city. His city, thousands of miles away.
“So?” the blond punk asked, smirking. Tight leather trousers hugging long, long legs - Oh! - hugging a slim waist and Benton had this almost uncontrollable urge to grab those cocky hips – so arrogant even his hips had attitude! – and swing him around to check whether the behind would be as perfect as the front suggested.
“So?” He didn’t squeak. He didn’t. It was just that he had just turned sixteen and his body was going through changes and -.
“So,” nodded the punk, glinting eyes laughing at him from under his spiked hair. Short spikes, gleaming, looking so soft in the weak white light of the lamp above them. He had a way of looking up from under his eyebrows, tilting his head just so and yes, black eyeliner really did suit men sometimes. Really.
They looked of similar age, definitely not older than Benton. No, younger, he thought with satisfaction and with that his confidence came panting back.
“Benton Fraser,” he introduced himself, standing tall. “And you are?”
The punk blinked, looking taken aback at his sudden formality. His hands came out of his back pockets, arms wrapping around himself. It was defensive, even if his smirk remained in place. “Ray Kowalski.”
“I’m sorry,” Benton blurted out. Something important was happening and he had just hurt Ray and he had to make it better or it could all slip away.
Ray smiled. “Okay.” Just like that. No questions asked. His arms came down and went back where it belonged, and he looked all sexy and cocky again. “Okay, Fraser. Mind if I call you Fraser, Benton Fraser?”
“Fraser is fine. Ray.”
Ray talked fast, fidgeted, and said ‘Fraser’ lazily. Ray was adopted, sent here to boarding school with the real son, another Ray. Ray had arrived yesterday and decided that he was running away today.
“You can’t leave,” Benton said, doing the blurting thing again. But he was getting very tired of important things slipping away.
“Oh yeah?” Ray’s arms came out to hang loosely by his sides, vibrating with tension. “Says who? They won’t catch me. I’ll be home in no time.” He glowered. “My real home.”
Benton had to get himself together after that adorable glower. “I’m boarding too.” Oh yes, such a convincing argument. He suddenly felt the desire to tell Ray that he possessed an IQ of 180, which didn’t mean much as he was highly suspicious of the testing methods but -.
“And?”
Some hurt must have shown on his face because Ray was instantly contrite, one hand coming up to clutch Benton’s arm in apology.
“Sorry, sorry, I’m just, you know, I’m just - .” Ray frowned down at the ground, his fingers still wrapped around Benton’s arm and Benton was trying not to make it obvious that he was taking advantage of the close proximity to sniff him. Then Ray looked back up at him, eyes too vulnerable. Benton stopped breathing. “I don’t fit in, Fraser. I didn’t fit in before but now I fit in even less. Can you see me with any of those kids in that school? And Vecchio! Vecchio – .”
It seemed that Ray had no words bad enough to describe Ray Vecchio. Benton thought he looked adorable when he was angry. He had a bad feeling Ray would look adorable no matter what. He was quite clearly smitten and Benton Fraser smitten was a frightening event, not least to Benton Fraser himself.
“Ray.” The ranting carried on. “Ray.” It seemed he needed to raise his voice. “Ray!”
“What?” Ray asked, shutting up in mid-sentence. He looked up at Benton with that tilted head move which made Benton feel taller. It also made him feel very protective of Ray, which really, he already felt anyway but it was a very sexy move so the protective feelings got even more intense. More proprietorial.
And Ray was waiting expectantly.
“I don’t fit in either.”
“Yes you do.”
“I don’t.” He said firmly. “I didn’t fit in before and I don’t fit in now.” It was almost word for word what Ray had said and he saw Ray taking that in. “And I can see you with me.”
“You can?”
“Definitely.”
Ray came closer, testing. “Was that tough to say?”
Benton licked his lips. “Not at all.”
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I like this!
Date: 2003-04-23 06:48 am (UTC)LOL! This totally turned me upside down. I was not expecting that at all, and it is just adorable.
“Ray.” The ranting carried on. “Ray.” It seemed he needed to raise his voice. “Ray!”
Rock on! This is great. Totally in character.
This is really cute and sweet; I like the AU. Well done!
Re: I like this!
Date: 2003-04-23 08:06 am (UTC)ahhh...you are fast becoming the love of my life...
no, no, don't run away - its just the caffeine -
seriously, countess, thanks for making me feel welcome#
Re: I like this!
Date: 2003-04-23 09:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-23 07:21 am (UTC)Queen of the world
Date: 2003-04-23 08:12 am (UTC)...and back in the real world, i'm feeling quite relieved that i didn't completely suck and get banned from writing in ljland ever again - thanks##
no subject
Date: 2003-04-23 08:58 am (UTC)love your icon!
Date: 2003-04-23 10:42 am (UTC)and moving swiftly on - icon love! - i used to have her on my desktop - i love that bit where she's fighting to that funky opera/dance/techno music - even bought the cd because of it ##
Re: love your icon!
Date: 2003-04-23 12:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-23 09:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-04-23 10:30 am (UTC)i pretty much decided ckr would be adorable whatever mood he was in when i saw a music vid of hard core logo (i think it was by debchan) - i could be completely wrong as i haven't seen that movie, or any others - i'm just going by ds, that vid, an episode of deadzone and one of mutantx too -
mmm...time for time out methinks...
#lots of girly drooling fantasizing#
no subject
Date: 2003-04-23 11:51 am (UTC)I really like the AU you've created here.
Now if only *my* first dS story goes half this well, I will be a very happy camper!
no subject
Date: 2003-04-23 01:44 pm (UTC)its fun and scary and like most things fun and scary, its addictive - so, goodluck! - and thanks ##
'the hang of'?
Date: 2003-04-23 08:21 pm (UTC)Just kidding. This was really good, and I adore AUs. The only problem is I want to know what happens next.
Re: 'the hang of'?
i've read your little snippets, announced by dsreporter and then checked in often to your journal ever since - i'm a fan! -
thanks, very happy you liked it##
part 2
no subject
Date: 2003-04-24 05:46 pm (UTC)Oooh. Interesting AU. I'd love to see it as a longer piece.
no subject
Date: 2003-04-24 11:32 pm (UTC)actually!
Date: 2003-04-25 04:39 am (UTC)