(no subject)
Aug. 2nd, 2004 12:14 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
threequarters.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
ds_flashfictionOkay, my first little foray into writing for dueSouth. I would have liked to edit it much more but my attention was needed elsewhere at the last minute, and now I'm out of time.
Dead line? Word limit? Why whatever are you talking about...
Word count: 1190ish
Benton Fraser was a man who rarely made mistakes. He firmly believed that proper preparation and adequate consideration made most of them avoidable. Yet even he had to admit that sometimes certain things were inevitable.
Last night was a mistake that fell quite clearly under 'inevitable'.
Yesterday, when they'd checked into the motel, finally back in civilization, Ray's barely contained panic became obvious. In less than 24 hours he would board a plane back to Chicago, leaving Fraser behind in Canada. And after bringing in their gear, all Ray could do was stand in the middle of the room looking lost and desperate.
Fraser had spent the last two years dodging Ray's obvious feelings for him, and two years denying his own towards Ray. But at that moment, seeing the look on Ray's face, Fraser knew what was about to happen. Knew it was inevitable.
Now he was in bed with Ray's head pillowed on his chest, morning sun slowly lighting up the room. In a few minutes his partner would awake and no doubt want to talk.
And Fraser would look him in the eye and say, 'I'm sorry Ray, it was a mistake'. It wouldn't be an outright lie either, even if he knew Ray would misinterpret it.
Because one thing Fraser could count on (as disturbing as he found it) was his friend's complete and total lack of self confidence on matters of romance. Ray would jump to the conclusion Fraser did not reciprocate his desires and that their love making was merely an effort on Fraser's part to quell his friend's need. And poor Ray would no doubt be embarrassed, perhaps even heart broken for a time. But he would get on his plane and return to Chicago, he would get his life together and move on.
And Fraser would let him. Fraser would let him misinterpret his statement, let Ray get on the plane and leave Fraser's life forever. Because in the long run it would be the best for Ray.
The lapse would be seen as Fraser's, for he had indeed made the first move. In truth however, Fraser had spent much of the past months keeping Ray from making an even bigger mistake. Because that's exactly what loving Fraser was. Oh, it was reciprocated certainly (although Fraser felt he had been a great deal more subtle), but love was never as simple as that alone.
As painful as it was for him to admit to himself, Fraser knew he could never be what Ray deserved. He found himself inadequate in many ways.
He could not give Ray the family he so desperately desired. Ray would, Fraser knew, give up that dream if given the opportunity of a life with Fraser. But the want of children had at least played a part in the unhappiness of Ray's last relationship, and Fraser was not so naive to think their's would be any different.
Worse than that was Fraser's inability to live in Chicago any longer. The city and his time spent there would always be special to Fraser, but up here, this is what he loved, this is where he was needed. And Ray, he knew, would stay in Canada at the drop of a hat. But this was not Ray's world. How long before he started to miss delivery pizza? His job? His family, life and friends?
Ray could never be happy in a life with Fraser, and Fraser knew it. It had been Fraser's mistake to let last night happen - to let the one desperate kiss lead to frantic touching and needy caresses. But it was his error and now it was his duty to make sure Ray did not make a worse mistake.
"Hey you," Ray said sleepily, propping himself up to look at Fraser.
"Ray."
"Yeah Frase? What?" Ray looked suddenly worried. Fraser was tempted to look away but knew if he was going to be at all convincing, he needed to look Ray in the eye. He reminded himself he would have to hurt Ray in this way if he had not made such a grievous aberration.
"Ray, I'm very sorry, I fear I have made a terrible mistake."
Ray's face fell for only the slightest moment before flaring into anger.
"Oh no. No no no. You are not going to do this to me, Benton buddy." Ray jumped up and started pacing. Fraser was slightly relieved. Ray was angry. He was more than proficient at dealing with Angry Ray. It was hurt and confused Ray he had been dreading.
"I'm sorry Ray but- "
"Stop right there Fraser. You are not doing this to me, because it is total bullshit, and I know it."
"Ray I assure you - "
"Do you think I'm stupid Fraser?"
"Certainly not Ray, I have never thought- "
"Then why are you acting like it?" Fraser opened his mouth to protest but was immediately cut off. "I know what you are doing Fraser, god I know what you are doing. You're pushing me away for what you think is my own good." Ray was livid now. "But you're wrong Fraser, you are so wrong because I could never be good without you."
Fraser swallowed. Apparently he had greatly misjudged Ray's grasp on the situation. "I am so sorry Ray. If you had never known, never found out about my reciprocation of your feelings, you never would have been put in this painful situation. Last night was a mistake, it was my mistake. I never should have allowed us to get to this point. "
Ray laughed a dry, humorless laugh. "You think it was last night that clued me into your 'reciprocation'? You think you were the only one that made the decision to do what we did last night? Fraser, you're not as good at hiding your feelings as you think, and last time I checked we were both consenting adults. Last night was no mistake, this - what you're trying to do here - is the mistake."
"Ray," Fraser croaked, appalled at the rocky sound of his own voice. "I'm not perfect, I make mistakes."
Ray climbed back into bed and pulled Fraser to him. "Ben, it's okay. Everyone makes mistakes, but that's part of what partners do. We watch each other's backs. We keep each other from fucking up. And when we slip up, we gotta be there for each other."
"Ray, you'll be miserable. I'm not what you want."
"Fraser, I'm almost the big 4-0. I think I know what I want in life. It took me a damn long time to figure it out, but now I have. Us - what we could have together - that's no mistake." Ray sounded so sure. Fraser wanted desperately to believe him because doing what he thought was best for Ray was hurting him more than he originally anticipated.
"So you'll stay?" Fraser winced at his own neediness.
"Of course I'll stay Ben. How the hell else am I going to keep you from making dumb-ass mistakes? Now, since I don't have a plane to catch, what do you say we go back to bed?"
Dead line? Word limit? Why whatever are you talking about...
Word count: 1190ish
Benton Fraser was a man who rarely made mistakes. He firmly believed that proper preparation and adequate consideration made most of them avoidable. Yet even he had to admit that sometimes certain things were inevitable.
Last night was a mistake that fell quite clearly under 'inevitable'.
Yesterday, when they'd checked into the motel, finally back in civilization, Ray's barely contained panic became obvious. In less than 24 hours he would board a plane back to Chicago, leaving Fraser behind in Canada. And after bringing in their gear, all Ray could do was stand in the middle of the room looking lost and desperate.
Fraser had spent the last two years dodging Ray's obvious feelings for him, and two years denying his own towards Ray. But at that moment, seeing the look on Ray's face, Fraser knew what was about to happen. Knew it was inevitable.
Now he was in bed with Ray's head pillowed on his chest, morning sun slowly lighting up the room. In a few minutes his partner would awake and no doubt want to talk.
And Fraser would look him in the eye and say, 'I'm sorry Ray, it was a mistake'. It wouldn't be an outright lie either, even if he knew Ray would misinterpret it.
Because one thing Fraser could count on (as disturbing as he found it) was his friend's complete and total lack of self confidence on matters of romance. Ray would jump to the conclusion Fraser did not reciprocate his desires and that their love making was merely an effort on Fraser's part to quell his friend's need. And poor Ray would no doubt be embarrassed, perhaps even heart broken for a time. But he would get on his plane and return to Chicago, he would get his life together and move on.
And Fraser would let him. Fraser would let him misinterpret his statement, let Ray get on the plane and leave Fraser's life forever. Because in the long run it would be the best for Ray.
The lapse would be seen as Fraser's, for he had indeed made the first move. In truth however, Fraser had spent much of the past months keeping Ray from making an even bigger mistake. Because that's exactly what loving Fraser was. Oh, it was reciprocated certainly (although Fraser felt he had been a great deal more subtle), but love was never as simple as that alone.
As painful as it was for him to admit to himself, Fraser knew he could never be what Ray deserved. He found himself inadequate in many ways.
He could not give Ray the family he so desperately desired. Ray would, Fraser knew, give up that dream if given the opportunity of a life with Fraser. But the want of children had at least played a part in the unhappiness of Ray's last relationship, and Fraser was not so naive to think their's would be any different.
Worse than that was Fraser's inability to live in Chicago any longer. The city and his time spent there would always be special to Fraser, but up here, this is what he loved, this is where he was needed. And Ray, he knew, would stay in Canada at the drop of a hat. But this was not Ray's world. How long before he started to miss delivery pizza? His job? His family, life and friends?
Ray could never be happy in a life with Fraser, and Fraser knew it. It had been Fraser's mistake to let last night happen - to let the one desperate kiss lead to frantic touching and needy caresses. But it was his error and now it was his duty to make sure Ray did not make a worse mistake.
"Hey you," Ray said sleepily, propping himself up to look at Fraser.
"Ray."
"Yeah Frase? What?" Ray looked suddenly worried. Fraser was tempted to look away but knew if he was going to be at all convincing, he needed to look Ray in the eye. He reminded himself he would have to hurt Ray in this way if he had not made such a grievous aberration.
"Ray, I'm very sorry, I fear I have made a terrible mistake."
Ray's face fell for only the slightest moment before flaring into anger.
"Oh no. No no no. You are not going to do this to me, Benton buddy." Ray jumped up and started pacing. Fraser was slightly relieved. Ray was angry. He was more than proficient at dealing with Angry Ray. It was hurt and confused Ray he had been dreading.
"I'm sorry Ray but- "
"Stop right there Fraser. You are not doing this to me, because it is total bullshit, and I know it."
"Ray I assure you - "
"Do you think I'm stupid Fraser?"
"Certainly not Ray, I have never thought- "
"Then why are you acting like it?" Fraser opened his mouth to protest but was immediately cut off. "I know what you are doing Fraser, god I know what you are doing. You're pushing me away for what you think is my own good." Ray was livid now. "But you're wrong Fraser, you are so wrong because I could never be good without you."
Fraser swallowed. Apparently he had greatly misjudged Ray's grasp on the situation. "I am so sorry Ray. If you had never known, never found out about my reciprocation of your feelings, you never would have been put in this painful situation. Last night was a mistake, it was my mistake. I never should have allowed us to get to this point. "
Ray laughed a dry, humorless laugh. "You think it was last night that clued me into your 'reciprocation'? You think you were the only one that made the decision to do what we did last night? Fraser, you're not as good at hiding your feelings as you think, and last time I checked we were both consenting adults. Last night was no mistake, this - what you're trying to do here - is the mistake."
"Ray," Fraser croaked, appalled at the rocky sound of his own voice. "I'm not perfect, I make mistakes."
Ray climbed back into bed and pulled Fraser to him. "Ben, it's okay. Everyone makes mistakes, but that's part of what partners do. We watch each other's backs. We keep each other from fucking up. And when we slip up, we gotta be there for each other."
"Ray, you'll be miserable. I'm not what you want."
"Fraser, I'm almost the big 4-0. I think I know what I want in life. It took me a damn long time to figure it out, but now I have. Us - what we could have together - that's no mistake." Ray sounded so sure. Fraser wanted desperately to believe him because doing what he thought was best for Ray was hurting him more than he originally anticipated.
"So you'll stay?" Fraser winced at his own neediness.
"Of course I'll stay Ben. How the hell else am I going to keep you from making dumb-ass mistakes? Now, since I don't have a plane to catch, what do you say we go back to bed?"
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-08-02 03:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-02 04:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-02 06:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-02 06:38 am (UTC)ooooo! I love this! Really wonderful story.
Now, you're going to write more, riiiiiiight??
*g*
no subject
Date: 2004-08-02 08:10 am (UTC)Heh. Apparently.
Nice!
no subject
Date: 2004-08-02 08:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-02 09:38 am (UTC)I like you you have Ray confronting Fraser and not letting him get away with it. :)
no subject
Date: 2004-08-02 10:15 am (UTC)Awww... Ray is just too smart, even for Fraser!
"Ben, it's okay. Everyone makes mistakes, but that's part of what partners do. We watch each other's backs. We keep each other from fucking up. And when we slip up, we gotta be there for each other."
Great Ray voice!
Thanx for posting!
no subject
Date: 2004-08-02 01:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-02 02:34 pm (UTC)yeah!
C