(no subject)

[threequarters.livejournal.com]

Ray woke up covered in sweat, but even through the sweet haze of sleep he knew there was something wrong. Unable to place the feeling he rolled over to ask Stella, only to find her side of the bed empty. The pleasant muzziness of sleep left him as reality came roaring back. Stella wasn't in bed with him; this wasn't even their bed. Their bed was across town in their condo, no doubt with Stella asleep on top of it, while Ray was here alone in a crappy apartment with its crappy rented furniture.

He rolled over and looked at the clock. It was dark out still, too early to get up and start the day. We was wet with sweat though, and there was no way he was going to be able to get back to sleep with these thoughts of his empty, Stella-less life as company. So he got out himself up, changed his sheets and made his bed.

When he was little he'd sometimes have nightmares. And sometimes, even after his mother came to soothe him, he still wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. His mom would then make him get out of bed and she would remake it, telling him they'd start the night over. It was sometimes easier then, getting back to sleep pretending it was the early evening instead of the dark, unfriendly, middle of the dauntingly long night.

The sheets were clean and the bed now made, but Ray himself was still sticky and damp, so he headed for the shower. He turned the knobs, adjusting them for a brisk cold shower and then striped out of his damp tee-shirt and boxers. Before...before things had changed, he had slept naked. Now it just seemed pathetic to him to sleep alone and naked in a bed that wasn't even really his.

Ray stepped under the cold spray and shivered. He used to believe cold showers only served one purpose, but these days he couldn't really get it up if he tried. And on the rare occasion something stirred down there, it never lasted long. The only person he'd ever lusted after, ever even thought of like that was Stella. However, these days thoughts of Stella were more likely to bring tears than pleasure.

No, a cold shower would now hopefully shock him out of these self-pitying thoughts. Tomorrow he would start a new job. He would become someone else and he had to be able to push these depressing thoughts aside. He would have a new life, a new(ish) job and in a few days even a new partner. Later today, when his alarm woke him up, Ray Kowalski (and the ruin that was his life) would be no more.

He sighed and lowered his head, letting the water run over his hair and into his face. And if he tried hard enough he could even believe the water on his face came entirely from the calcium-clogged shower head.

By his feet the drain stared up at him, clean and unclogged. No blond hairs clinging in the grating, left in haste after an early morning shower. No razors on the side of the tub. No floral scented body wash on the shower rack. Nothing but his sad, lonely bar of generic soap. And he knew he must be in a bad way if his shower contents were making him melancholy.

The funny this was, Ray thought as he toweled himself off, Stella was the one who left him. Stella left him, but he had been the one who had been made to leave. Stel wanted it over, so she had pushed him out. Surely if she was really sick of him, she would have wanted to leave their condo, move out herself and start over. But she held onto their home and their stuff, and as long as she held onto these, Ray would hold on to hope.

He padded back into his bed room, lightened by these thoughts. When he woke up again it would be the start of a new day as cheesy as that sounded. When he woke up he would be someone else entirely. Maybe he needed a break from Ray Kowalski as much as Stella did, he though as he crawled into bed naked. For awhile he'd play at being Ray Vecchio with his odd, Canadian partner.

And maybe, just maybe, when this job was done, when the real Ray Vecchio was back safe, Stella would realize she needed Ray as much as Ray needed her.

Comments

[lamardeuse.livejournal.com]

Oh, woobie! I loved the detail about his mother "starting the night over". You just want to squeeze him and hug him and give him Fraser. :)

[threequarters.livejournal.com]

I loved the detail about his mother "starting the night over".

Thank you!

You just want to squeeze him and hug him and give him Fraser

Oh boy, do I ever!

Thanks for commenting.

[5stepsdown.livejournal.com]

Beautiful job capturing his thoughts and his pain.

:) Aouda

[threequarters.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.

[threequarters.livejournal.com]

and better and better and better.

The idea of his life being something he's discarding, like a favorite shirt that's finally gotten so ripped-up you can't wear it even for working on the car, is so true to what its like to have someone leave you after what seems like a lifetime

It's so true, I'm glad this came across. I just wish there was a Fraser waiting for everyone that has to go through that. (It's not fair! I want a Fraser too!!)

Thank you.

[akite.livejournal.com]

Oh, poor woobie!Ray. It's so nice to know that soon he'll be up to his neck in Mountie trouble and then the Stella trouble will fade away. Wonderful story.

[threequarters.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[laylee.livejournal.com]

::Hugs Ray::

[spainja.livejournal.com]

And maybe, just maybe, when this job was done, when the real Ray Vecchio was back safe, Stella would realize she needed Ray as much as Ray needed her.

Oooh. Irony and foreshadowing all wrapped up in one line. 'Cause it turns out to be true...in a way.

[threequarters.livejournal.com]

Oh I'm so glad you got my pathetic attempt at irony and foreshadowing!

[estrella30.livejournal.com]

ooo. We always get such terrific Fraser woobie, I just LOVED this Ray woobie!

Wonderful job!

[sam80853.livejournal.com]

Wonderful woobie Ray!