The Sexual Exploration Challenge by ToraK
Apr. 8th, 2005 11:06 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
torakowalski.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
ds_flashfictionMy humble entry for the Sexual Exploration challenge ...
Pairing: RayK/Fraser, implied Fraser/other but very mildly
Raiting: Ummm, R maybe?
Massive thank you to Janne for beating my plot-bunny into submission, creating that sentence, and overall wonderful beta work :)
When Ben was in third grade his friend Steve told him that you had to have sex to make babies. Ben was appalled. He knew that one day he’d have to grow up, get married and have children but it was one of those things – like Christmas, or the start of a new school year – that you know are coming, but you don’t really believe will arrive until they do. What Ben had never realised was that he’d have to do this “sex” thing for it to happen.
He knew that sex existed. He didn’t know what it was. But he knew it happened. He’d asked his grandmother once, but she’d spanked him, so it had to be something bad. All the other boys at school knew what it was. During break, they hung around and told rude jokes about it. Ben didn’t understand the jokes, but he knew they were rude. And even though he didn’t understand them, and even though he wished the other boys would stop telling them and come play, he still laughed when all the others did. Ben didn’t get to go to school much, he wasn’t about to miss anything when he was there. He thought he was doing well at pretending he understood until one of the boys, Joe, who Ben didn’t like much, turned to him and said “Do you know why it’s funny?”
After that it was quite a relief when his grandfather announced they were moving on again.
*
Ben was thirteen years old the day he learnt that most people set rules and limits on love; that it was only allowed to exist within certain boundaries.
He was clearing out the tool shed for his grandfather, when he heard a sled pull up outside the house. He didn’t bother to investigate, it wasn’t likely to be anyone to see him and his fingernails weren’t clean enough for guests anyway. He listened as whoever it was dismounted and then felt his mouth open in surprise as he recognised the voice of the visitor. The legendary Bob Fraser. His father. His father was talking to somebody, to Buck Frobisher, Ben corrected himself as the other man replied.
Ben crept to the door of the shed and peeked out. He knew he would have to go inside soon and greet his father, but at the moment he couldn’t face it. Meetings between them never went well, mainly because Ben could never work out what it was his father wanted from him. Right now, Ben was happy to stand in the background and watch. He was never allowed to do that. The one time his dad had caught him staring he’d asked his grandmother if Ben were in someway backward. All Ben wanted though was one good, mental picture of his father, so he’d be able to picture his face during their imaginary conversations.
Ben inched a little closer until he could hear what his father and Sergeant Frobisher were saying.
“…shame about Johnson,” his father was saying.
“Never saw it coming,” Buck agreed. “Always seemed such an upright young man.”
The two Mounties stopped outside the house and bent down to greet Mackenzie as he came bouncing up to them. Ben took advantage of their distraction and crept closer, curious to find out what Constable Johnson had done.
“Do you …” Ben’s father hesitated. Ben’s father never hesitated. “Do you think they’re doing right?”
Buck straightened up. “With Johnson?”
“Yes.”
Buck scratched his weathered, brown beard. “’s shame, seemed a good kid, but the RCMP can’t have someone like him in the ranks.”
“No,” Ben’s father nodded, but Ben didn’t think he looked convinced. “It’s a pity though. He thinks he’s in love with that Inuit boy, it’ll hit him hard.”
Ben dropped the wrench he hadn’t realised he was still holding. Constable Johnson was in love with a man. And he had to leave the RCMP because of it. Ben felt his legs give way and he sank down onto the floor. He was going to be a Mountie, but sometimes, when they were playing hockey out on the pond, he let Mark kiss him. Without even realising it, Ben drew a line in his mind, one that separated him from his feelings for Mark, one that he knew he wasn’t allowed to cross.
*
Ben didn’t have to learn it was wrong for a member of the RCMP to fraternise with a criminal. That line was drawn in his head on his very first day at the Academy and been constantly reinforced until it became indelible, but he had never realised that a criminal could be so beautiful. He knew he mustn’t, but he did and he crossed the line. For a while it was perfect, then the ground gave way. After Victoria, Ben strengthened his boundaries with impenetrable politeness and barbed intelligence and fought off anyone who tried to cross.
*
In Chicago, Fraser learnt more lines he must not cross. Sometimes it felt like there were so many lines, he must be in a cage.
He could not pursue a relationship with an attractive woman, who challenged him and stimulated him, because she was his commanding officer. He could not date a pretty girl, who was fun and available and clearly interested in him, because she was his best friend’s sister. He could not fall in love with his best friend because … because Ray just wouldn’t be interested.
*
Then, one day, Fraser returned from a three week vacation to find that his best friend was gone, his apartment was in ruins and all he had left was his cage of limitations and a man who claimed to be, but was not Ray Vecchio. And two years after that, Ray Vecchio returned, but he wasn’t Ray Vecchio anymore. Or at least not the man Fraser remembered. So he left Chicago and went on an adventure, with a man who suddenly was his Ray after all.
“Look around you, Fraser!” Ray yelled, throwing wide his arms and turning a slow circle to emphasise his point. “There’s so much fucking space here. We can do whatever we want. This is ours. This bit of snow from horizon to horizon is ours. We can do anything here.” He laughed out his sharp, insane cackle, “We can do everything.”
Ray’s spin took him close to Fraser and he stopped suddenly, pale blue eyes fixed on Fraser. “I…” Fraser heard himself stammer, “I can’t, Ray.”
Ray frowned, “Can’t what?” When Fraser didn’t reply he leant in closer, “Can’t do everything?” he asked shrewdly.
Fraser shook his head, “I can’t do anything, Ray. There are so many limitations. I don’t know what I can do any more.”
“You…” Ray shook his head, “You can leap tall buildings in a single bound, Frase. What the fuck are you talking about? You can do anything.”
“Not … not important things. I can’t judge anymore.”
Ray stared at him, his eyes slowly widening. Then he stepped forward. Step after step, invading Fraser’s personal space, but Fraser wasn’t worried. He knew that any moment Ray would hit the sides of the cage and have to stop, only … only Ray kept coming, and suddenly he was there, where no human being had been in so long, right up against Fraser’s body.
“You can do anything.” Ray repeated and this time Fraser thought it might be true.
He reached out a hand, tentatively, sliding it through the bars of his cage and clasped Ray’s glove covered fingers with his own. Ray smiled and squeezed his hand back. So Fraser took a chance and let his other hand through as well, and then he was gripping Ray’s hands desperately hard, terrified the floor might give way as the walls of his cage fell down. Free at last, he leant forward and pressed his mouth to Ray’s.
Pairing: RayK/Fraser, implied Fraser/other but very mildly
Raiting: Ummm, R maybe?
Massive thank you to Janne for beating my plot-bunny into submission, creating that sentence, and overall wonderful beta work :)
When Ben was in third grade his friend Steve told him that you had to have sex to make babies. Ben was appalled. He knew that one day he’d have to grow up, get married and have children but it was one of those things – like Christmas, or the start of a new school year – that you know are coming, but you don’t really believe will arrive until they do. What Ben had never realised was that he’d have to do this “sex” thing for it to happen.
He knew that sex existed. He didn’t know what it was. But he knew it happened. He’d asked his grandmother once, but she’d spanked him, so it had to be something bad. All the other boys at school knew what it was. During break, they hung around and told rude jokes about it. Ben didn’t understand the jokes, but he knew they were rude. And even though he didn’t understand them, and even though he wished the other boys would stop telling them and come play, he still laughed when all the others did. Ben didn’t get to go to school much, he wasn’t about to miss anything when he was there. He thought he was doing well at pretending he understood until one of the boys, Joe, who Ben didn’t like much, turned to him and said “Do you know why it’s funny?”
After that it was quite a relief when his grandfather announced they were moving on again.
*
Ben was thirteen years old the day he learnt that most people set rules and limits on love; that it was only allowed to exist within certain boundaries.
He was clearing out the tool shed for his grandfather, when he heard a sled pull up outside the house. He didn’t bother to investigate, it wasn’t likely to be anyone to see him and his fingernails weren’t clean enough for guests anyway. He listened as whoever it was dismounted and then felt his mouth open in surprise as he recognised the voice of the visitor. The legendary Bob Fraser. His father. His father was talking to somebody, to Buck Frobisher, Ben corrected himself as the other man replied.
Ben crept to the door of the shed and peeked out. He knew he would have to go inside soon and greet his father, but at the moment he couldn’t face it. Meetings between them never went well, mainly because Ben could never work out what it was his father wanted from him. Right now, Ben was happy to stand in the background and watch. He was never allowed to do that. The one time his dad had caught him staring he’d asked his grandmother if Ben were in someway backward. All Ben wanted though was one good, mental picture of his father, so he’d be able to picture his face during their imaginary conversations.
Ben inched a little closer until he could hear what his father and Sergeant Frobisher were saying.
“…shame about Johnson,” his father was saying.
“Never saw it coming,” Buck agreed. “Always seemed such an upright young man.”
The two Mounties stopped outside the house and bent down to greet Mackenzie as he came bouncing up to them. Ben took advantage of their distraction and crept closer, curious to find out what Constable Johnson had done.
“Do you …” Ben’s father hesitated. Ben’s father never hesitated. “Do you think they’re doing right?”
Buck straightened up. “With Johnson?”
“Yes.”
Buck scratched his weathered, brown beard. “’s shame, seemed a good kid, but the RCMP can’t have someone like him in the ranks.”
“No,” Ben’s father nodded, but Ben didn’t think he looked convinced. “It’s a pity though. He thinks he’s in love with that Inuit boy, it’ll hit him hard.”
Ben dropped the wrench he hadn’t realised he was still holding. Constable Johnson was in love with a man. And he had to leave the RCMP because of it. Ben felt his legs give way and he sank down onto the floor. He was going to be a Mountie, but sometimes, when they were playing hockey out on the pond, he let Mark kiss him. Without even realising it, Ben drew a line in his mind, one that separated him from his feelings for Mark, one that he knew he wasn’t allowed to cross.
*
Ben didn’t have to learn it was wrong for a member of the RCMP to fraternise with a criminal. That line was drawn in his head on his very first day at the Academy and been constantly reinforced until it became indelible, but he had never realised that a criminal could be so beautiful. He knew he mustn’t, but he did and he crossed the line. For a while it was perfect, then the ground gave way. After Victoria, Ben strengthened his boundaries with impenetrable politeness and barbed intelligence and fought off anyone who tried to cross.
*
In Chicago, Fraser learnt more lines he must not cross. Sometimes it felt like there were so many lines, he must be in a cage.
He could not pursue a relationship with an attractive woman, who challenged him and stimulated him, because she was his commanding officer. He could not date a pretty girl, who was fun and available and clearly interested in him, because she was his best friend’s sister. He could not fall in love with his best friend because … because Ray just wouldn’t be interested.
*
Then, one day, Fraser returned from a three week vacation to find that his best friend was gone, his apartment was in ruins and all he had left was his cage of limitations and a man who claimed to be, but was not Ray Vecchio. And two years after that, Ray Vecchio returned, but he wasn’t Ray Vecchio anymore. Or at least not the man Fraser remembered. So he left Chicago and went on an adventure, with a man who suddenly was his Ray after all.
“Look around you, Fraser!” Ray yelled, throwing wide his arms and turning a slow circle to emphasise his point. “There’s so much fucking space here. We can do whatever we want. This is ours. This bit of snow from horizon to horizon is ours. We can do anything here.” He laughed out his sharp, insane cackle, “We can do everything.”
Ray’s spin took him close to Fraser and he stopped suddenly, pale blue eyes fixed on Fraser. “I…” Fraser heard himself stammer, “I can’t, Ray.”
Ray frowned, “Can’t what?” When Fraser didn’t reply he leant in closer, “Can’t do everything?” he asked shrewdly.
Fraser shook his head, “I can’t do anything, Ray. There are so many limitations. I don’t know what I can do any more.”
“You…” Ray shook his head, “You can leap tall buildings in a single bound, Frase. What the fuck are you talking about? You can do anything.”
“Not … not important things. I can’t judge anymore.”
Ray stared at him, his eyes slowly widening. Then he stepped forward. Step after step, invading Fraser’s personal space, but Fraser wasn’t worried. He knew that any moment Ray would hit the sides of the cage and have to stop, only … only Ray kept coming, and suddenly he was there, where no human being had been in so long, right up against Fraser’s body.
“You can do anything.” Ray repeated and this time Fraser thought it might be true.
He reached out a hand, tentatively, sliding it through the bars of his cage and clasped Ray’s glove covered fingers with his own. Ray smiled and squeezed his hand back. So Fraser took a chance and let his other hand through as well, and then he was gripping Ray’s hands desperately hard, terrified the floor might give way as the walls of his cage fell down. Free at last, he leant forward and pressed his mouth to Ray’s.
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no subject
Date: 2005-04-08 10:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-09 07:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-08 10:23 pm (UTC)while i adore the letting go with Ray at the ending, i really like this part too -- you've stated Fraser's limits in a way i'd never really thought about them before.
no subject
Date: 2005-04-09 07:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-08 10:41 pm (UTC)These bits still make me want to hug wee Ben:
After that it was quite a relief when his grandfather announced they were moving on again
and
All Ben wanted though was one good, mental picture of his father, so he’d be able to picture his face during their imaginary conversations.
Actually, most of this makes me want to hug Ben!
I really, really like this. But then you knew that :-)
no subject
Date: 2005-04-09 07:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-08 11:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-09 12:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-09 07:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-09 12:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-09 07:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-09 12:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-09 01:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-09 12:21 pm (UTC)Poor Ben!
Lovely!
He reached out a hand, tentatively, sliding it through the bars of his cage and clasped Ray’s glove covered fingers with his own. Ray smiled and squeezed his hand back. So Fraser took a chance and let his other hand through as well, and then he was gripping Ray’s hands desperately hard, terrified the floor might give way as the walls of his cage fell down. Free at last, he leant forward and pressed his mouth to Ray’s.
YES!YES!YES!
no subject
Date: 2005-04-09 02:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-09 09:46 pm (UTC)Dude. Loved that. Could totally see wee!Ben sort of grinning uncertainly at all the other raucous children. *hugs wee!Ben*
no subject
Date: 2005-04-09 09:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-09 11:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-10 02:22 am (UTC)And you say "learnt"!
no subject
Date: 2005-04-10 11:10 am (UTC)Is "learnt" bad?
no subject
Date: 2005-04-10 02:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-10 08:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-04-14 10:14 am (UTC)Great work ^_^
no subject
Date: 2008-01-27 08:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-08-31 03:56 am (UTC)