The Sexual Exploration Challenge by Auburn

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Title: Boa
Pairing: Fraser/Kowalski
Wordcount: 1029 words
Summary: Silly. Fraser really should have come with a handbook.
Rating: I've given up on trying to rate things. Fine for teenagers and above, I'd think.
Warning: Spellchecked but not beta-ed. Sometimes I think I'm funny. Sometimes I'm wrong.
Disclaimer: Not mine, no profit.



Ray had worked Vice. He'd seen things. So when Dewey got a tip from one of his CIs about someone dealing meth out of bondage club, he wasn't surprised. He even accepted it philosophically when Welsh told him he and Fraser were back up on the search. Into every career a little weirdness must fall. Going in, he did tell Fraser, "Just don't lick anything."

The slings and restraints, the rack, the leather and the cuffs, that didn't surprise him. The cat-o'nine tails made from braided silk cords didn't freak him out and as for the guy in the corset and the one wearing rubber underwear that locked, hey, whatever floats your boat. The zip-up headgear was a little more extreme than Stella blindfolding him that time, but he still took it in stride.

Really, he was cool.

Well, until Dief turned and ran, but that was when they went to search one of the bedrooms and found the ten foot long snake on the heart shaped bed with the naked guy. Who waved his appendage with its row of piercings and said, "Nice doggie," while lying back on the Pepto pink velvet bedspread.

By then Ray had been groped twice, pinched, and licked (not by Fraser or Dief). The wolf probably thought they were going to feed him to the snake. Ray got out of that room as fast as he could, leaving Fraser discussing the merits of boa constrictors over anacondas.

Fraser caught up while he and a uniformed officer were tossing the next room. The two occupants didn't seem disturbed by the interruption. Hard to be sure since one of them was tied up, gagged and blindfolded.

The other guy, the guy in the chaps with the paddle, kept eying Ray in a way that made him really happy he was armed.

"Oh, the things I'd like to do to you, blondie," the guy with the chaps cooed, walking his fingers up Ray's arm.

Fraser lifted Mr. Chaps' hand off Ray's bicep. The guy let out a strangled squeak and rubbed his wrist after Fraser let go.

Ray got out of there as fast as he could too, while vowing to make Dewey pay somehow. Pay and pay and pay.

After all that, Ray felt more than a little put out that they hadn't find any meth or ecstasy. The invitation to come back any time didn't help either. They left to a chorus from Fraser of "Our sincerest apologies for any inconvenience you may have suffered by our interruption."

"Yeah," Ray said as they headed out the door. "Carry on."

"Come again," Chaps said.

Yeah, right.

The thing was, if he'd been paying a little more attention to his partner and a little less to how pissed he was over Dewey's bad tip, he might have noticed that little pinch between the eyebrows that meant Fraser's brain was turning something over. Something at the bondage club had piqued his interest. Then Ray might have started worrying a few days sooner. Not that he could have stopped Fraser, Ray didn't fool himself about that; there was a picture of Fraser under Determined in the dictionary.

Maybe, though, he could have braced himself for the bombshell Fraser dropped a few days later.

Fraser really should have come with a handbook. Maybe an operating manual, Ray thought, maybe with one of those exploded views that showed all the parts and how they fit together, including the uniform. Maybe he had and Vecchio had lost it. Maybe it was wherever singleton socks, paperclips, ballpoints, Jimmy Hoffa and the hangers from his closet went. Whatever. If this hypothetical and missing manual had existed, Ray needed to read up on one section.

The troubleshooting section for when Mounties started talking about sex in the car.

"You know, Ray, I hadn't really appreciated the difference between practitioners of bondage and dominance and submission. I've decided I'd like to try it."

Ray corrected the GTO before he hit the fire hydrant, the dog or the mime (too bad), eased his foot back onto the gas, and flexed his fingers on the steering wheel. He thought he might get the feeling back by the time they reached the consulate.

He did not look at Fraser.

"What?" he asked in a level tone, ignoring the blaring horns and the cabbie giving him the finger. Because, really, the way he was driving, he deserved it.

"Well, Ray, while you and Detectives Huey and Dewey were conducting your search, Mr. Roepe was telling me about -"

Ray held up one hand.

"I don't want to hear about it, Fraser! Do not tell me about this Rope guy and his kinky sexual hijinks!"

He would swear under oath in front of a judge that he could hear the way Fraser pursed his lips.

"I - "

"Don't."

"That is - "

"I said don't."

"Ray - "

"Not a word until we're at least parked!"

"I merely meant to say that the conversation has convinced me I need to expand my sexual horizons. I wondered if you would consider being tied - "

What, like they didn't get knocked out, beat up and tied up enough on the job already? Now Fraser wanted him to let him -

Poor Dief still looked dazed from hitting the front seat a minute later when Ray threw Fraser out of the GTO.

"No, no, no way in hell, Fraser!"

He was still complaining about Fraser to Dief when they got back to the 27th, which earned him a strange look from Huey. It might have been because he was talking to the wolf. Then again, it could have been overhearing Ray say, " ... and I am not anyone's blow-up sextoy! Oh, quit snickering."

Ray shut up after that, but chalked up the whispers running around the squad room as just one more thing that was all Fraser's fault.

As a matter of fact, everything was Fraser's fault, including what Ray did to him with the feather boa and his handcuffs later that night.

Comments

[moonpupy.livejournal.com]

Heee Heee Heee

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Just silliness. It wanted to turn serious but I put a stop to that immediately, I can tell you.

[engenda.livejournal.com]

BWAH.

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Lo, I return to trying my hand Due South after these many months and what do I get?

BWAH

Just what I wanted.

[spainja.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I think I'm funny. Sometimes I'm wrong.

Not this time! Woo-hoo! This was great!

The part about Dief running from the boa was hysterical. That wolf ain't dumb.

Ray corrected the GTO before he hit the fire hydrant, the dog or the mime (too bad)

Hee hee hee hee hee.

For some reason, the thought of Vecchio losing the Mountie manuel (with its exploded diagrams) cracks me up.

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

For some reason, the thought of Vecchio losing the Mountie manuel (with its exploded diagrams) cracks me up.

You know, it's illustrated. How to Undress Your Mountie, A Guide. Unfortunately its out of print and impossible to find.

Too little sleep, too much lawnmower repair and nature shows ...

Thanks. I'm never certain anyone is going to like my skewed sense of humor or not.

[shrewreader.livejournal.com]

Ray corrected the GTO before he hit the fire hydrant, the dog or the mime (too bad), eased his foot back onto the gas, and flexed his fingers on the steering wheel. He thought he might get the feeling back by the time they reached the consulate.

*ROFLMAO*

HAH. I do like the bit about it being too bad about the mime.

and about it all being Fraser's fault.

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Of course it's Fraser's fault. Ray's not the one getting all kinky in the car. It's just wrong. The GTO is like Ray's version of the sacred Stetson. Fraser needs to have some respect and make these suggestions when they're at Ray's apartment.

I mean really, was the man born in a barn or something?

[sage]

OMG do I love your brain!

*is still giggling*

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

What, not my body? Darn it.

Giggling is good.

Brains ... brains ... Gah, I was already zombie tired. Now I'm hungry too. Plus, I want someone to write Dawn of the Due South Dead.

[dubhartach.livejournal.com]

Heh heh heh. The Fraser handbook and the near crash especially. But mainly, the whole thing. Heh.

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

I was trying to find the fuel line on a lawnmower and going over the manual and thought that's Ray would need to figure out the uniform, one of the exploded, numbered parts views.

Plus, the near crash? Don't you think riding around with Fraser would end up with your insurance going through the roof?

[kijikun.livejournal.com]

Maybe he had and Vecchio had lost it.

That line just really amused me. *G*

Great fic.

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Thank you, thank you. Vecchio, I have this idea that his paper work was just a mess, you know? That he could have lost whole filing cabinets worth of stuff.

[akite.livejournal.com]

Too, too funny. But wah! I want to see what Ray did with the feather boa and his handcuffs. :g:

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

I want to see what Ray did with the feather boa and his handcuffs.

Isn't it obvious? :g:

I'm justly infamous for being an awful tease with this kind of thing. I leave the porny parts to reader's imagination. I tried to write the smutty bit, I did, but it started getting dark and serious, so I quit while I was ahead.

[imkalena.livejournal.com]

Ray corrected the GTO before he hit the fire hydrant, the dog or the mime (too bad), eased his foot back onto the gas, and flexed his fingers on the steering wheel. He thought he might get the feeling back by the time they reached the consulate.

He did not look at Fraser.

LOL!! What a hoot! But -- only a *feather* boa!

*snerk*

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

You so do not want to know the anecdote I was thinking about when the snake showed up in the story. Plus I avoided all the horrible puns about one-eyed trouser snakes.

[claire.livejournal.com]

Hee!

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Succinct.

:snicker:

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

That has to be the single funniest paragraph I've ever read in a story*eg* Because we're in definite trouble when the Mountie stars to talk about sex in the car.

Oh, come on, it's not that funny, though I'm inordinately pleased you liked it. Rereading it, I realize it could be taken two ways as well: Fraser talking about sex while in the car or another boundary busted, talking about having sex in the car. Which Ray probably knows all about. :g:

I don't blame Ray-I wouldn't want anyone getting near me with a rope and a boa constrictor either.

You, like Ray and Dief, have more good sense than Fraser. :bg::

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

I love the fact that Fraser is someone people feel the need to advise "Don't lick anything," and "Don't steal anything," like the lady in Eclipse advises. And yet, of course, Fraser is always the one who deals with freakiness with equanimity - probably from being freakish himself.

You have jam-packed this with funny images, like Ray corrected the GTO before he hit the fire hydrant, the dog or the mime (too bad) which is exactly in keeping with the show's spirit. And to top it off, a gloriously appropriate punchline.
!!! So glad you're writing DS again.

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Fraser is always the one who deals with freakiness with equanimity

Nods. He's not bothered, he's interested. Academically or something. Err, perhaps a little intrigued.

!!! So glad you're writing DS again.

I was shocked when I realized it had been so long. Hmn. I have this idea, or really, I have this element I want to work into the ending of a story. I think that means I'll have to write the rest of it. I'm still thinking about the plot McGuffin, though.

Come to think of it, I'm shocked you remember me.

[layniek.livejournal.com]

Hee! Vecchio losing the manual and Dief running from the snake are some of the funniest things ever.

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Good, good, funny is what I was aiming for. Thanks.

[bonspiel.livejournal.com]

Maybe it was wherever singleton socks, paperclips, ballpoints, Jimmy Hoffa and the hangers from his closet went.

Very very funny. And Fraser would be the kind of person who thought about the nuances of difference b/w bondage and dom/sub.

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Fraser would be the kind of person who thought about the nuances of difference b/w bondage and dom/sub.

That's what I think. Because Fraser is picky about the details. Also, even I've heard that a lot of people object to lumping BD with SM.

[buzzylittleb.livejournal.com]

This was great, am speechless.

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Thanks very much.

[torakowalski.livejournal.com]

Maybe it was wherever singleton socks, paperclips, ballpoints, Jimmy Hoffa and the hangers from his closet went

I know everyone is picking up on that paragraph ... but it is just hysterical! Love the whole story, it's brilliantly funny and so very dS like :)

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Very dS like. :big happy smile: Thanks so much.

[burntcopper.livejournal.com]

Dammit, he didn't hit the mime?

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

I know, it's such a shame. Those damn mimes. That invisible cage they're always feeling up acts like protective forcefield to repel the attack of enraged observers.

Besides, Ray was really ... distracted.

[janne-d.livejournal.com]

Argh, lj ate my comment!

Which went something along the lines that this was totally hilarious, and I love these parts:

"Oh, the things I'd like to do to you, blondie," the guy with the chaps cooed
Wouldn't we all, mate!

... and I am not anyone's blow-up sextoy!
Darn it, you mean he's not? Since when? *pout*

And the handbook, and Fraser being kicked out of the car so Ray can complain to Dief... just fabulous.

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Darn lj, it does that to me all the time too.

'... and I am not anyone's blow-up sextoy!'
Darn it, you mean he's not? Since when? *pout*

Sad, is what it is. I join you in the pouting.

Fraser being kicked out of the car so Ray can complain to Dief.

Don't you think Ray has wanted to stop and eject Fraser more than once? Because Fraser can be like a kid, just picking at something until Ray wants to throw up his hands and yell.

It's so nice to come back to this fandom and get such a good reception for this little thing.

[celli]

I can't stop laughing. Oh, hee. *wipes eyes*

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Tissue?

Lovely that you enjoyed. It's resulted in a mutant spawn over on my journal too.

[moosesal.livejournal.com]

Fraser lifted Mr. Chaps' hand off Ray's bicep. The guy let out a strangled squeak and rubbed his wrist after Fraser let go.

Fraser taking the man's hand off of Ray? Whoa. Apparently I have a kink I didn't know about because this did me in.

[auburnnothenna.livejournal.com]

Those two have given me more kinks than I want to think about. There's the whole Ray's hands thing, and his mouth, or the boots. Now that lifting the guy's hand off Ray bit ... Well, imagine some stranger fingering Ray's tattoo. That had to trip Fraser's possessive trigger. Yeah and the tattoo, I never had a thing for tattoos before Due South, either.