Forgiveness challenge - Inherently Given
Jul. 27th, 2005 01:42 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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ds_flashfictionOkay this is my first attempt at a flashfic challenge...so here goes:
TITLE: Inherently Given
AUTHOR: Aingeal
PAIRING: Benton Fraser/Ray Vecchio
GENRE: Slash but it's mild
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: What happens when we can forgive others but not ourselves?
DISCLAIMER: Sadly I don't onw Due South or it's characters. I'm not affiliated with it but I like to think the boys are safe in my care.
Oh yes and thanks to Elanor for a quick beta.
INHERENTLY GIVEN
It had been a routine case in some ways but not in others. Ray and Fraser had been going to lunch when Fraser had seen a mugging. Well, he had heard the screams of the victim from a block away and had ascertained the origin. He and Dief had gone after the mugger and after chasing him six blocks the kid, and he was only a kid, had pulled out a knife.
Ray had been following close behind and had pulled out his gun. The kid had grabbed Fraser and held the knife to the Mountie's throat. Ray had tried not to panic at seeing his lover in such a vulnerable position. But he had kept his nerve and between them he and Fraser had managed to persuade the kid to lower the knife. The growling coming from Dief seemed to help. By the time backup arrived the kid was subdued and scared to death. Fraser refused to press charges.
Yet that did not appear to be an end to it. Fraser was very quiet that evening, eating dinner in silence deflecting attempts by Ray to get some conversation going. He didn’t eat much either, putting his plate on the floor to let Dief finish it off. By the time the dishes were done Ray was tired of his lover's silence and tackled him about it.
“Benny? What's wrong?” he asked.
Fraser remained silent. They wandered through the apartment until they were standing face to face in the middle. Sensing something was up, Diefenbaker hid under the bed to watch events unfold. Fraser was turned away from Ray slightly, he knew he should talk but it had always been easier for him to bottle up. Ray knew this and wasn’t going to let the matter drop so easily.
“Is it about what happened today?” Ray felt it had to be.
Fraser turned slightly toward Ray, still not meeting his eyes. “In a way. It's just,” he paused trying to get across the gravity of the situation. “That could have been you today.”
Ray actually felt that yeah it might have been but he was armed, he didn’t go where angels feared to tread not that he could be angry with Benny about it. That was just the way he was, it was why Ray loved him. “Yeah,” he agreed, “but it was you, Benny and you worried me. I thought that kid was gonna do something stupid.”
Many times Ray had seen such a scenario in his mind. More so since he and Fraser had become lovers.
Fraser knew he worried Ray but there seemed little he could do. “But he didn't.”
“No.”
Ray was confused but sometimes all Benny needed was a pat on the back. At least that was the impression he gave. “So we’re okay?”
It clearly wasn’t though. Fraser turned away and went and stood by the window looking out at the grey vastness that was home. It was home as long as Ray was with him. But sometimes he wondered why his lover stayed with him. After he had done today especially. He had worried Ray as usual. Why did he do that? Trying to articulate Fraser came out with the crux of the problem.
“I don't deserve you, Ray.”
Ray was somewhat shocked and surprised. How had it gone from a simple discussion of the dangers involved in their jobs to this? “Benny?”
“I don't deserve to have you here, with me.” He still stared out of the window.
“What on earth make you say that, Fraser? Did you.....” Ray wondered what was going through his Mountie’s head.
“No, Ray. It's just I risk your life, I ruin your suits, I cause you worry and when Vic.....” Fraser didn’t have to finish her name.
Ray threw his hands up and began pacing. “Oh no we are not going through this again! This was over three years ago Fraser!”
He walked up to his lover. “We talked it through! You forgave me for shooting you, Benny. Please try and forgive yourself.”
“Do you forgive me, Ray?” Sometimes it was hard to understand another person had forgiven you when you couldn’t forgive yourself.
“I forgave you for everything you would ever do, from the minute I fell in love with you.” Ray had, he really had that was why they had become lovers in the first place because no matter what happened to them Ray would never leave Benny.
But for Fraser that might not be enough. “And if I can’t forgive myself?”
Ray wanted to sigh, but didn’t. “You forgave that mugger today. You forgave him when he had a knife to you throat. Why won't you forgive yourself?”
“Have you?”
The question thrown back at Ray, hitting him where it hurt most. “No.”
“And yet I forgave you, Ray.”
Ray put his hand on Fraser’s shoulder, he need that connection. “Benny, forgiving myself, even knowing what you feel; that you want me to, isn't something I can just do.”
“You think I can?” Fraser asked.
“That’s different. You can have faith in everybody and you have faith in yourself. I mean you follow up leads and sniff things no-one else wants to because you are so sure you can solve a case by that.”
Ray had always had faith in Fraser more than the rest of the world and the Mountie had always seemed so self-assured.
“So do you, Ray. You have faith in yourself.”
He did, that was true. More than he once had. “Only because you gave it to me. Before, Benny, I didn't, I didn't know. I mean I was an okay cop, I was solving cases, doing my job but then you came along and suddenly I could do it better.”
“So I've given you back some faith, Ray. Why can't the same be true of forgiveness?”
Ray moved away and began pacing, trying to explain it. “Because......it's different. It's like going to confessional and you go because you feel guilty or your Ma tells you to. But you go, you say some prayers and you get forgiven because a priest tells you that’s what God does. But at the same time you still feel guilty, I mean sometimes you confess the things you don't feel guilty about and you don't mention the other stuff because it's too personal and you know it's the confessional but having to show that to another person…it's not easy. So does God only forgive the stuff you tell the priest? It's the same with this, I can tell you how guilty I feel but I don't know if I'm actually telling you everything. I don't know if you understand everything. So I'm still feeling guilty.”
“Ray, the point of love is forgive the other person.” Fraser had forgiven Ray, really there had been nothing to forgive.
Ray shrugged. “Maybe it's easier.”
“What is?”
“Forgiving strangers. I mean you don’t have to worry about it. You don't know them. You don't have to see their face everyday. You don't have to see the scars every day. You don't have to look at them in the mirror. You forgive them and that's it they're gone but that’s not like it is with yourself is it?”
“No,” Fraser looked at the floor. “Every time I look in the mirror. I remember the person I am and what I did.”
Ray put his arms around Benny. “It's harder isn't it?”
“Yes.” Fraser leaned into the touch.
“Come here.”
Ray took Fraser’s hand and let him to the mirror, a small mirror which would serve the purpose. He positioned Fraser so he was looking straight into it.
“So look in the mirror, Benny. Look in the mirror and forgive Benton Fraser.” Raty pointed at the reflection which looked so sad.
Fraser saw himself, the man he was.
“We're seeing the same person,” Ray told him.
“Are we?” Perception. It was never an easy thing. So much that could be distorted.
There was no doubt in Ray’s mind. “Yes! Except that you’re looking out and I'm looking in.”
“I try to be the best person I can be, Ray. I do my duty.” So often he had lived for his duty and little else.
“Yeah to others what about that other duty?”
“To myself?”
“Yeah and to me?”
Fraser turned back and looked Ray in the eye now. “If you asked me to, Ray I would forgive myself.”
“You would?” Ray had never asked that.
“Yes. Because if I forgive myself, maybe you will forgive yourself. You can’t prove a virtue, Ray. But this is the closest we can get.”
“I was thinking that,” Ray echoed. Since Fraser had mentioned the idea he had been thinking about it. “We can do it for each other?”
“Yes.”
“Say it,” Ray prompted Fraser first, he needed it more.
Fraser took a bit of a sharp intake of breath before finally saying it out loud. “I forgive Benton Fraser.”
Ray smiled and answered. “I forgive Ray Vecchio.”
Fraser turned toward Ray with a brilliant open smile. “I love Ray Vecchio.”
Ray’s smile got wider as he answered. “I love Benton Fraser.”
Gently they kissed affirming their love and forgiveness. When someone believed in you so much, it was easier to forgive yourself. Perhaps they would always have a little doubt but they each had the faith they needed.
Gently the kiss was broken and they headed toward the bed wrapped in love, forgiveness and hope.
TITLE: Inherently Given
AUTHOR: Aingeal
PAIRING: Benton Fraser/Ray Vecchio
GENRE: Slash but it's mild
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: What happens when we can forgive others but not ourselves?
DISCLAIMER: Sadly I don't onw Due South or it's characters. I'm not affiliated with it but I like to think the boys are safe in my care.
Oh yes and thanks to Elanor for a quick beta.
INHERENTLY GIVEN
It had been a routine case in some ways but not in others. Ray and Fraser had been going to lunch when Fraser had seen a mugging. Well, he had heard the screams of the victim from a block away and had ascertained the origin. He and Dief had gone after the mugger and after chasing him six blocks the kid, and he was only a kid, had pulled out a knife.
Ray had been following close behind and had pulled out his gun. The kid had grabbed Fraser and held the knife to the Mountie's throat. Ray had tried not to panic at seeing his lover in such a vulnerable position. But he had kept his nerve and between them he and Fraser had managed to persuade the kid to lower the knife. The growling coming from Dief seemed to help. By the time backup arrived the kid was subdued and scared to death. Fraser refused to press charges.
Yet that did not appear to be an end to it. Fraser was very quiet that evening, eating dinner in silence deflecting attempts by Ray to get some conversation going. He didn’t eat much either, putting his plate on the floor to let Dief finish it off. By the time the dishes were done Ray was tired of his lover's silence and tackled him about it.
“Benny? What's wrong?” he asked.
Fraser remained silent. They wandered through the apartment until they were standing face to face in the middle. Sensing something was up, Diefenbaker hid under the bed to watch events unfold. Fraser was turned away from Ray slightly, he knew he should talk but it had always been easier for him to bottle up. Ray knew this and wasn’t going to let the matter drop so easily.
“Is it about what happened today?” Ray felt it had to be.
Fraser turned slightly toward Ray, still not meeting his eyes. “In a way. It's just,” he paused trying to get across the gravity of the situation. “That could have been you today.”
Ray actually felt that yeah it might have been but he was armed, he didn’t go where angels feared to tread not that he could be angry with Benny about it. That was just the way he was, it was why Ray loved him. “Yeah,” he agreed, “but it was you, Benny and you worried me. I thought that kid was gonna do something stupid.”
Many times Ray had seen such a scenario in his mind. More so since he and Fraser had become lovers.
Fraser knew he worried Ray but there seemed little he could do. “But he didn't.”
“No.”
Ray was confused but sometimes all Benny needed was a pat on the back. At least that was the impression he gave. “So we’re okay?”
It clearly wasn’t though. Fraser turned away and went and stood by the window looking out at the grey vastness that was home. It was home as long as Ray was with him. But sometimes he wondered why his lover stayed with him. After he had done today especially. He had worried Ray as usual. Why did he do that? Trying to articulate Fraser came out with the crux of the problem.
“I don't deserve you, Ray.”
Ray was somewhat shocked and surprised. How had it gone from a simple discussion of the dangers involved in their jobs to this? “Benny?”
“I don't deserve to have you here, with me.” He still stared out of the window.
“What on earth make you say that, Fraser? Did you.....” Ray wondered what was going through his Mountie’s head.
“No, Ray. It's just I risk your life, I ruin your suits, I cause you worry and when Vic.....” Fraser didn’t have to finish her name.
Ray threw his hands up and began pacing. “Oh no we are not going through this again! This was over three years ago Fraser!”
He walked up to his lover. “We talked it through! You forgave me for shooting you, Benny. Please try and forgive yourself.”
“Do you forgive me, Ray?” Sometimes it was hard to understand another person had forgiven you when you couldn’t forgive yourself.
“I forgave you for everything you would ever do, from the minute I fell in love with you.” Ray had, he really had that was why they had become lovers in the first place because no matter what happened to them Ray would never leave Benny.
But for Fraser that might not be enough. “And if I can’t forgive myself?”
Ray wanted to sigh, but didn’t. “You forgave that mugger today. You forgave him when he had a knife to you throat. Why won't you forgive yourself?”
“Have you?”
The question thrown back at Ray, hitting him where it hurt most. “No.”
“And yet I forgave you, Ray.”
Ray put his hand on Fraser’s shoulder, he need that connection. “Benny, forgiving myself, even knowing what you feel; that you want me to, isn't something I can just do.”
“You think I can?” Fraser asked.
“That’s different. You can have faith in everybody and you have faith in yourself. I mean you follow up leads and sniff things no-one else wants to because you are so sure you can solve a case by that.”
Ray had always had faith in Fraser more than the rest of the world and the Mountie had always seemed so self-assured.
“So do you, Ray. You have faith in yourself.”
He did, that was true. More than he once had. “Only because you gave it to me. Before, Benny, I didn't, I didn't know. I mean I was an okay cop, I was solving cases, doing my job but then you came along and suddenly I could do it better.”
“So I've given you back some faith, Ray. Why can't the same be true of forgiveness?”
Ray moved away and began pacing, trying to explain it. “Because......it's different. It's like going to confessional and you go because you feel guilty or your Ma tells you to. But you go, you say some prayers and you get forgiven because a priest tells you that’s what God does. But at the same time you still feel guilty, I mean sometimes you confess the things you don't feel guilty about and you don't mention the other stuff because it's too personal and you know it's the confessional but having to show that to another person…it's not easy. So does God only forgive the stuff you tell the priest? It's the same with this, I can tell you how guilty I feel but I don't know if I'm actually telling you everything. I don't know if you understand everything. So I'm still feeling guilty.”
“Ray, the point of love is forgive the other person.” Fraser had forgiven Ray, really there had been nothing to forgive.
Ray shrugged. “Maybe it's easier.”
“What is?”
“Forgiving strangers. I mean you don’t have to worry about it. You don't know them. You don't have to see their face everyday. You don't have to see the scars every day. You don't have to look at them in the mirror. You forgive them and that's it they're gone but that’s not like it is with yourself is it?”
“No,” Fraser looked at the floor. “Every time I look in the mirror. I remember the person I am and what I did.”
Ray put his arms around Benny. “It's harder isn't it?”
“Yes.” Fraser leaned into the touch.
“Come here.”
Ray took Fraser’s hand and let him to the mirror, a small mirror which would serve the purpose. He positioned Fraser so he was looking straight into it.
“So look in the mirror, Benny. Look in the mirror and forgive Benton Fraser.” Raty pointed at the reflection which looked so sad.
Fraser saw himself, the man he was.
“We're seeing the same person,” Ray told him.
“Are we?” Perception. It was never an easy thing. So much that could be distorted.
There was no doubt in Ray’s mind. “Yes! Except that you’re looking out and I'm looking in.”
“I try to be the best person I can be, Ray. I do my duty.” So often he had lived for his duty and little else.
“Yeah to others what about that other duty?”
“To myself?”
“Yeah and to me?”
Fraser turned back and looked Ray in the eye now. “If you asked me to, Ray I would forgive myself.”
“You would?” Ray had never asked that.
“Yes. Because if I forgive myself, maybe you will forgive yourself. You can’t prove a virtue, Ray. But this is the closest we can get.”
“I was thinking that,” Ray echoed. Since Fraser had mentioned the idea he had been thinking about it. “We can do it for each other?”
“Yes.”
“Say it,” Ray prompted Fraser first, he needed it more.
Fraser took a bit of a sharp intake of breath before finally saying it out loud. “I forgive Benton Fraser.”
Ray smiled and answered. “I forgive Ray Vecchio.”
Fraser turned toward Ray with a brilliant open smile. “I love Ray Vecchio.”
Ray’s smile got wider as he answered. “I love Benton Fraser.”
Gently they kissed affirming their love and forgiveness. When someone believed in you so much, it was easier to forgive yourself. Perhaps they would always have a little doubt but they each had the faith they needed.
Gently the kiss was broken and they headed toward the bed wrapped in love, forgiveness and hope.
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no subject
Date: 2005-07-27 01:19 pm (UTC)And I see what you mean about your takes on forgiveness being the same.
Everything you said was right. It is sometimes easier to forgive a stranger...
I liked the idea of them giving one another permission to forgive themselves. It worked so well.
Thank you for sharing. It's a super little story.
no subject
Date: 2005-07-27 02:29 pm (UTC)I'm surpised how similar our ideas were!
I'm glad it worked I had thoughts it might be a bit...cheesy...really though the aim was touching.
no subject
Date: 2005-07-27 01:53 pm (UTC)Umm. Yeah. Well. That seems to say it all! Too hot for coherent feedback (it's 90F at 9:30 am and my windows are steamed up with humidity...)
no subject
Date: 2005-07-27 02:30 pm (UTC)Glad you liked the twist as it were.
Hope it cools down for you! It's quite cold here.....
no subject
Date: 2005-07-28 07:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-28 10:39 am (UTC)Yes us Fraser/Vecchio are still out there writing/
I too think there so much betwen them that can be the focus for a forgiveness story.