No Power Challenge - Hold On by Aingeal
Aug. 29th, 2005 12:26 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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ds_flashfictionTitle: Hold On
Pairing: Fraser/Vecchio
Rating: PG (for angst)
Word Count: 953 words
Summary: After he shoots Fraser at the end of 'Victoria's Secret' Ray awaits the outcome.
The title comes from the Sarach McLachlan song of the same name.
The premise behind this fic is simply that 'Victoria's Secret' is a really powerful ep and the aftermath has so much angst I can't leave it alone.
Hold On
Ray sat in the corridor listening to hustle and bustle of the hospital. He assumed he should get some sleep but there was no way he would. Not while Fraser was in surgery. His best friend, the man he loved, was dying and there was nothing he could do but wait and stare at his reflection as it gleamed up from the hospital tiles, giving him an uneven image of himself.
He wanted to cry but he had no tears, he felt as desolate as the Sahara.
He and Benny had been so good in the beginning when they had got together but then they had both grown scared. They had been scared of the intensity of their feelings for each other, scared of commitment, scared of the world staring in on them. Well Ray had been scared and he had assumed that Fraser had been too. When he suggested they keep it simple, see other people, Fraser had looked, crushed but he had accepted that because he loved Ray.
God! What had Ray done? He had pushed away the best thing to ever happen to him because he was too much of a coward to admit he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Benny. Now it might be too late.
Ray had been happy Fraser had finally found a woman. Ray had been, relieved maybe? That Benny had accepted what was or rather wasn't between them and had found a nice woman to settle down with. One who he could marry and would give him children.
Was that the problem? Ray hadn’t felt he could give Benny everything he deserved. Had he pushed Benny away because of his own inadequacy? This was so messed up. Ray no longer knew why he had done it. But he knew he shouldn’t have. That decision had come back with a vengeance.
He’d known; he had really known that he wasn't happy. Benny had thrown him over for that woman. Maybe Ray deserved that for treating Benny the way he had. But Fraser....Fraser was Fraser, his Benny, and Ray knew he had barely scratched the surface. Perhaps that was it he had hadn't wanted Fraser to scratch beneath his own surface, to see who was there a man battered by years of low self-esteem and being told he was a loser. But Ray knew that Fraser had healed so much of that. If he saw everything he would help Ray there too. Ray just hadn't felt he deserved that.
Now what? Now things were out of his hands. They had been when Benny had started running for the train, running to her. That had hurt Ray so much. He'd seen a gun and shot the man he loved. Ray didn't know why. Was it jealousy? Hate? He was no better than Victoria, no he was worse. She had hurt Fraser and used him but hadn't killed him.
Killed? What if Benny died? Oh God! The very thought made Ray shake to his very core. That would be it for Ray then. He took out his gun and felt the easy weight in his hands. Such a small thing really he mused. He stroked the length of the barrel, turned it over and admired the other side. A finger traced the trigger. He took a good look. If Benny died maybe this gun would be best option. He’d heard it didn't hurt for long. But he knew Fraser wouldn't want that. He smiled knowing that Benny was still there next to him whispering words like ‘that's just silly, Ray’. The idea was. Fraser would blame himself and would shamelessly nag Ray in heaven. Or Hell.
Ray was in hell now. He betted that was what hell was, not fires and brimstone but a slow eternity of never knowing if Benny was all right or not. Stuck forever in this hospital corridor being ignored by all living things, for he didn’t deserve to be acknowledged. If hell was anything like this....Ray didn't want to be there. Of course he didn't know if he ever would make it to heaven now, even if he lived his life as a saint.
Then what would happen with him and Benny? Even if Fraser survived could they ever be together again? Could they ever get passed what had transpired? Would he ever get to kiss Fraser again? Would he ever get to see that face he loved at the height of passion? Or sleeping next to him in bed?
Ray felt consumed with his thoughts. He just wanted to stand up and scream and let it all it out. He wanted to be there, pulling the bullet out, saving Fraser’s life. He wanted to wake up in a morning with Benny beside him and know it was all a dream and then they would lie in each other's arms and enjoy the sunrise. That was what he wanted now. That was his dream. But now he was in the nightmare. It was all up to God, or some higher being working through the doctors to stem the blood loss and correct the damage Ray had caused.
There would always be a scar but Ray so hoped he and Benny could heal what was between them, that love had not turned to hate. It was his hope. He wanted back what he had run away from. Benny had been running to a possibility he thought Ray was no longer interested in giving him. But he was wrong.
Just then a doctor appeared. Ray looked up, he had nearly fallen asleep. He was tired and his eyes were heavy with grief.
“Detective Vecchio?”
Ray nodded.
“It's about Constable Fraser.....”
Pairing: Fraser/Vecchio
Rating: PG (for angst)
Word Count: 953 words
Summary: After he shoots Fraser at the end of 'Victoria's Secret' Ray awaits the outcome.
The title comes from the Sarach McLachlan song of the same name.
The premise behind this fic is simply that 'Victoria's Secret' is a really powerful ep and the aftermath has so much angst I can't leave it alone.
Hold On
Ray sat in the corridor listening to hustle and bustle of the hospital. He assumed he should get some sleep but there was no way he would. Not while Fraser was in surgery. His best friend, the man he loved, was dying and there was nothing he could do but wait and stare at his reflection as it gleamed up from the hospital tiles, giving him an uneven image of himself.
He wanted to cry but he had no tears, he felt as desolate as the Sahara.
He and Benny had been so good in the beginning when they had got together but then they had both grown scared. They had been scared of the intensity of their feelings for each other, scared of commitment, scared of the world staring in on them. Well Ray had been scared and he had assumed that Fraser had been too. When he suggested they keep it simple, see other people, Fraser had looked, crushed but he had accepted that because he loved Ray.
God! What had Ray done? He had pushed away the best thing to ever happen to him because he was too much of a coward to admit he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Benny. Now it might be too late.
Ray had been happy Fraser had finally found a woman. Ray had been, relieved maybe? That Benny had accepted what was or rather wasn't between them and had found a nice woman to settle down with. One who he could marry and would give him children.
Was that the problem? Ray hadn’t felt he could give Benny everything he deserved. Had he pushed Benny away because of his own inadequacy? This was so messed up. Ray no longer knew why he had done it. But he knew he shouldn’t have. That decision had come back with a vengeance.
He’d known; he had really known that he wasn't happy. Benny had thrown him over for that woman. Maybe Ray deserved that for treating Benny the way he had. But Fraser....Fraser was Fraser, his Benny, and Ray knew he had barely scratched the surface. Perhaps that was it he had hadn't wanted Fraser to scratch beneath his own surface, to see who was there a man battered by years of low self-esteem and being told he was a loser. But Ray knew that Fraser had healed so much of that. If he saw everything he would help Ray there too. Ray just hadn't felt he deserved that.
Now what? Now things were out of his hands. They had been when Benny had started running for the train, running to her. That had hurt Ray so much. He'd seen a gun and shot the man he loved. Ray didn't know why. Was it jealousy? Hate? He was no better than Victoria, no he was worse. She had hurt Fraser and used him but hadn't killed him.
Killed? What if Benny died? Oh God! The very thought made Ray shake to his very core. That would be it for Ray then. He took out his gun and felt the easy weight in his hands. Such a small thing really he mused. He stroked the length of the barrel, turned it over and admired the other side. A finger traced the trigger. He took a good look. If Benny died maybe this gun would be best option. He’d heard it didn't hurt for long. But he knew Fraser wouldn't want that. He smiled knowing that Benny was still there next to him whispering words like ‘that's just silly, Ray’. The idea was. Fraser would blame himself and would shamelessly nag Ray in heaven. Or Hell.
Ray was in hell now. He betted that was what hell was, not fires and brimstone but a slow eternity of never knowing if Benny was all right or not. Stuck forever in this hospital corridor being ignored by all living things, for he didn’t deserve to be acknowledged. If hell was anything like this....Ray didn't want to be there. Of course he didn't know if he ever would make it to heaven now, even if he lived his life as a saint.
Then what would happen with him and Benny? Even if Fraser survived could they ever be together again? Could they ever get passed what had transpired? Would he ever get to kiss Fraser again? Would he ever get to see that face he loved at the height of passion? Or sleeping next to him in bed?
Ray felt consumed with his thoughts. He just wanted to stand up and scream and let it all it out. He wanted to be there, pulling the bullet out, saving Fraser’s life. He wanted to wake up in a morning with Benny beside him and know it was all a dream and then they would lie in each other's arms and enjoy the sunrise. That was what he wanted now. That was his dream. But now he was in the nightmare. It was all up to God, or some higher being working through the doctors to stem the blood loss and correct the damage Ray had caused.
There would always be a scar but Ray so hoped he and Benny could heal what was between them, that love had not turned to hate. It was his hope. He wanted back what he had run away from. Benny had been running to a possibility he thought Ray was no longer interested in giving him. But he was wrong.
Just then a doctor appeared. Ray looked up, he had nearly fallen asleep. He was tired and his eyes were heavy with grief.
“Detective Vecchio?”
Ray nodded.
“It's about Constable Fraser.....”
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no subject
Date: 2005-08-29 11:46 am (UTC)::Shiver::
no subject
Date: 2005-08-29 11:50 am (UTC)::Shiver::
Thank you for you comments.
I always wondered who was suffering more after Ray shot Fraser.
no subject
Date: 2005-08-29 02:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-29 01:00 pm (UTC)Sure, only if he doesn't shoot his brain out - but Benny would kick him really good for the try. Its in his family to come back from the last realm. I hope in your little AU Universe is more time, space and love for this two. *hopehope*
A lovely and sad Story. Thanks.
PS: Ray is catholic. He would go to hell for suicide. And Benny would go after him and be as long polite and insistent till the devils lose the last nerve and chase them both up that the angels can have there 'joy' with them. *smile*
no subject
Date: 2005-08-29 02:34 pm (UTC)I know, poor thing.
Sure, only if he doesn't shoot his brain out - but Benny would kick him really good for the try. Its in his family to come back from the last realm. I hope in your little AU Universe is more time, space and love for this two. *hopehope*
Oh yes I'mm sure they can get past this and have a happy ending. But I think it's been good for them becuase you don't know what you have until you nearly let it go. At least now Ray won't make the same mistake agian. Nor will Benny.
A lovely and sad Story. Thanks.
No problem. Thanky you for your comment.
PS: Ray is catholic. He would go to hell for suicide. And Benny would go after him and be as long polite and insistent till the devils lose the last nerve and chase them both up that the angels can have there 'joy' with them. *smile*
Indeed *g* . Of course if they were in hell together it wouldn't be hell as they would have each other ;-). And Fraser would spend his time overhauling the place so it became heaven!
no subject
Date: 2005-08-29 08:40 pm (UTC)Thankyou for your comment
Date: 2005-08-29 08:52 pm (UTC)That's interesting. I often in my fic don't have them together at this point to spare them that extra angst but in some ways. This idea makes more sense.
I agree with nakeisha, there's no doubt in my mind that Ray suffered more from the shooting.
Indeed and that will haunt him for the rest of his life.
I'm not Catholic, so I'm not up on all the nuances, but it seems to me he's definitely in Purgatory. He's got to decide whether to atone or to decide on suicide and hell.
As someone who was raised Catholic I always got the impression we all basically in purgatory unless you're a Saint but yes I think that Ray has a chance to avoid hell. Really it's only not renouncing sins and seeking forgiveness that will really get you a ticket to fires and brimstone as my faulty memory understands it. I think certianly Ray is ina kind of limbo teetering on the edge.
Of course, come to think of it, Benny's likely to follow not just out of cussedness, but because he's betrayed Ray at least in terms of running out on bail - although that's the least of his betrayal to Ray,
Benny betrayed Ray, Ray's family, Ray's collegues, Dief (by trying to go witht he person who shot Dief), his father and the way his brought nad most of all himself. Benny betrays his entore life and being. He needs forgiveness too.
one of the best-done scenes in the Pilot is when Ray's family looks at Fraser with a sense of betrayal because Ray got hurt helping him, and that's after only one dinner...
Yes it happens again and agian and yet they are able to come out of it stronger, at least the way I see it. I can't see anything actually breaking them apart in that sense because what Benny does by running after the train is the ultimate betrayal but he and Ray are still best friends, still as close as two people can be. That's commitment. That's love.
Re: Thankyou for your comment
Date: 2005-08-29 09:01 pm (UTC)And that they can heal without talking about it... (I'm still not convinced that they don't need to hash it out just a little to clean out some resentments) ... that demonstrates an incredible dedication. I'm not one of those who ascribes to the idea that Ray shot Fraser out of jealousy - I think he really saw the gun that the editor so cleverly laced in there for us to see - but I think he might second-guess himself afterward.
Re: Thankyou for your comment
Date: 2005-08-29 09:23 pm (UTC)Well actions do speak louder than words.
that demonstrates an incredible dedication.
It does indeed.
I'm not one of those who ascribes to the idea that Ray shot Fraser out of jealousy - I think he really saw the gun that the editor so cleverly laced in there for us to see - but I think he might second-guess himself afterward.
I agree and I have always said that Victoria did have a gun even if it was not literal. She manipulated Fraser, who knows how much further she might have gone had Ray not shot Benny. She would have destroed the person Fraser was. So the gun is a mteaphor perhaos Ray's subconscious made him see it becuase of the danger of Victoria. And I genuinely think he was aiming for her and not Fraser. He wants to stop Benny being hurt by Victoria who would do so. And I also have said that shooting Fraser meant Ray saved his soul. And I think eventually they will both relasie that even though Ray will carry the guilt becuase that the person he is. He just won't let it get in the way of his relationship with Benny.
Hold On? Oh dear.
Date: 2005-08-30 12:23 am (UTC)Re: Hold On? Oh dear.
Date: 2005-08-30 08:19 am (UTC)Wow. Yes it is an SM song from her album mirrorball. The lyrics seemed to fit with what I was thinking about.
Hee hee, also just post- VSII. Great minds think alike, eh?
Indeed they do! *g*
no subject
Date: 2005-08-30 06:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-30 08:23 am (UTC)Thank you! Your icon is very appropriate.
I love thinking about the drastic turns that Ray and Fraser's relationship took after Victoria, everything from pain and grief and guilt to a closer bond of friendship and love
Me too I seem to have written a few stories around the episode nad it's aftermath. It really is a turning point.
(and, in my little fannish brain, more than just friendship).
Oh yes in my little fannish brain too!
no subject
Date: 2005-08-30 12:18 pm (UTC)He smiled knowing that Benny was still there next to him whispering words like ‘that's just silly, Ray’. The idea was. Fraser would blame himself and would shamelessly nag Ray in heaven. Or Hell.
Especially I was moved by this part. Now I really want to listen to the Sarach McLachlan song, Hold On. Thank you for posting!
no subject
Date: 2005-08-30 07:08 pm (UTC)Me too I just had no idea what was going to happen and the ending was so shocking.
You really gave me a picture of Ray's pain. It hurts seeing Ray having such a bad time but the story is very impressive.
Thank you very much for your comment.
Especially I was moved by this part. Now I really want to listen to the Sarach McLachlan song, Hold On.
I have the lyrics to the song now posted here:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/aingeal8c/17024.html at my LJ.
Thank you for posting!
No problem glad you enjoyed it.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-02 04:18 pm (UTC)Ray was in hell now. He betted that was what hell was, not fires and brimstone but a slow eternity of never knowing if Benny was all right or not.
Yes, that would be hell for Ray. That actually made me shiver when I read it.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-02 06:10 pm (UTC)Thank you. I'm glad you liked it.
Yes, that would be hell for Ray. That actually made me shiver when I read it.
I shivered when I wrote it (actually I was nearly in tears..)
Thanks for the comment.