Ceding Power by tyk
Sep. 5th, 2005 11:44 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
tyk.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
ds_flashfictionF/K, Fraser is thinking about the power Ray now has in his life
I sit, reflecting on the nature of my current emotional state. Powerless. Any decision I make has the potential to lead me to loss and heartache beyond my will or discipline to consider. Perhaps, even, beyond my ability to bear.
I sit in my makeshift home, my crowded Consulate office. I am powerless to go home to the Territories. My recent experience with meeting my sister provided some relief from my loneliness. But my involvement in her own journey for justice had only increased my isolation from the RCMP. While Inspector Thatcher has reinstated me and wiped all disciplinary action from my file, I see and understand that it rankles her that I was disloyal, disobedient. Maggie was able to go home and resume her life. I am to stay here.
To be honest, I do no truly want to leave, for leaving Chicago means leaving Ray. Another conundrum in this life of mine. Ray and I have indeed become a duet, have weathered transitions in our partnership and developed a relationship unlike I’ve ever experienced before. While Ray Vecchio loved me like a brother – willing to sacrifice his family home for me, that Ray had still seemed to see more the Mountie than the real me. The new Ray, *my* Ray when I am alone and allow that possessive aspect of my nature its true sway, saw past to the Benton Fraser inside. It was freeing and potent, to be allowed to be me, to be encouraged to be me. Truly we annoy each other at times, frustrate each other at times, but I believe Ray Kowalski and I know each other more thoroughly than any others have known us – Stella included. It is a powerful sensation and yet, I am powerless with him. The Mountie persona has no impact, no effect on Ray, for he knows it to be a part of me, but not all of me.
While all of this has happened, another emotion has crept up upon me. Victoria still raises powerful emotions in me – but the emotions thoughts of her raise have changed. I know now, truly, that what I felt for her was not true love. Infatuation, survival, lust, a longing for something I thought I wanted, even an attraction of like natures in many ways. But love it was not. For I now understand the nature of truly loving another with heart and soul. I have fallen in love with Ray. I know his strengths, I understand his weaknesses, and I see him clearly and without blinders. And I love it all.
And here I circle back again. For with loving him I seem to have ceded all power over me to him, willingly, without care. Do I tell him? Do I give him the power to destroy our friendship by telling him I love him, desire him, and want him in all ways imaginable? There are indications that he might respond positively. Lately his behavior suggests he has moved beyond Stella as I have moved beyond Victoria. Do I tell him, and allow what would surely be the most effervescent, the most ecstatic, the most powerful emotions loose should he say he loves me back? The Mountie would not; the Mountie would be quiet, stoic, and limit the possibility of losing control. But Benton Fraser, Benton who is lonely, who pines for Ray in the depths of his soul, Benton Fraser is willing to take the chance.
I have quietly, internally ceded power to Ray over my life. Today I make the commitment to explicitly and directly give him that power. I will tell him, today, that I love him.
I sit, reflecting on the nature of my current emotional state. Powerless. Any decision I make has the potential to lead me to loss and heartache beyond my will or discipline to consider. Perhaps, even, beyond my ability to bear.
I sit in my makeshift home, my crowded Consulate office. I am powerless to go home to the Territories. My recent experience with meeting my sister provided some relief from my loneliness. But my involvement in her own journey for justice had only increased my isolation from the RCMP. While Inspector Thatcher has reinstated me and wiped all disciplinary action from my file, I see and understand that it rankles her that I was disloyal, disobedient. Maggie was able to go home and resume her life. I am to stay here.
To be honest, I do no truly want to leave, for leaving Chicago means leaving Ray. Another conundrum in this life of mine. Ray and I have indeed become a duet, have weathered transitions in our partnership and developed a relationship unlike I’ve ever experienced before. While Ray Vecchio loved me like a brother – willing to sacrifice his family home for me, that Ray had still seemed to see more the Mountie than the real me. The new Ray, *my* Ray when I am alone and allow that possessive aspect of my nature its true sway, saw past to the Benton Fraser inside. It was freeing and potent, to be allowed to be me, to be encouraged to be me. Truly we annoy each other at times, frustrate each other at times, but I believe Ray Kowalski and I know each other more thoroughly than any others have known us – Stella included. It is a powerful sensation and yet, I am powerless with him. The Mountie persona has no impact, no effect on Ray, for he knows it to be a part of me, but not all of me.
While all of this has happened, another emotion has crept up upon me. Victoria still raises powerful emotions in me – but the emotions thoughts of her raise have changed. I know now, truly, that what I felt for her was not true love. Infatuation, survival, lust, a longing for something I thought I wanted, even an attraction of like natures in many ways. But love it was not. For I now understand the nature of truly loving another with heart and soul. I have fallen in love with Ray. I know his strengths, I understand his weaknesses, and I see him clearly and without blinders. And I love it all.
And here I circle back again. For with loving him I seem to have ceded all power over me to him, willingly, without care. Do I tell him? Do I give him the power to destroy our friendship by telling him I love him, desire him, and want him in all ways imaginable? There are indications that he might respond positively. Lately his behavior suggests he has moved beyond Stella as I have moved beyond Victoria. Do I tell him, and allow what would surely be the most effervescent, the most ecstatic, the most powerful emotions loose should he say he loves me back? The Mountie would not; the Mountie would be quiet, stoic, and limit the possibility of losing control. But Benton Fraser, Benton who is lonely, who pines for Ray in the depths of his soul, Benton Fraser is willing to take the chance.
I have quietly, internally ceded power to Ray over my life. Today I make the commitment to explicitly and directly give him that power. I will tell him, today, that I love him.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-09-05 06:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-06 03:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-05 06:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-06 03:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-05 10:35 pm (UTC)All lovely lovely beautiful, but this:
The Mountie would not; the Mountie would be quiet, stoic, and limit the possibility of losing control. But Benton Fraser, Benton who is lonely, who pines for Ray in the depths of his soul, Benton Fraser is willing to take the chance.
We've always got Ray making that distinction, but we don't often have Fraser realizing it himself. LOVELY.
(And yes, I want to know what Ray'll say to that too.)
no subject
Date: 2005-09-06 03:10 am (UTC)i like the idea that Benton Fraser knows he's more than the Mountie, even though he doesn't let others in on that knowledge. So much easier for him to just seem clueless...
no subject
Date: 2005-09-06 02:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-06 03:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-06 09:42 am (UTC)Oh, and you know that you have to write now what Ray thinks, and what he thinks later when Frase tells him the truth and lays his Hart to the feed of his beloved.
Pleeese! *Puppy eyes*
PS: A Happy End Yes? Yes?? *whimper*
no subject
Date: 2005-09-06 09:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-06 02:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-06 09:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-10 01:48 am (UTC)Forgive me the one typo I noticed: "I do no truly want to leave" should be "I do not truly want to leave".