ds_flashfiction | Turnbull likes cheese challenge by bonspiel

Sneaking in under the wire, I hope, with my little bit of insanity...

Rated R for innuendo and I for highly improbable.
Constable Fraser's Performance Report

"Constable Fraser?"
"Yes, Inspector Thatcher. Good morning, sir."
"Yes, good morning, whatever. Have you seen these 109 stroke B forms, Fraser? The penmanship is beyond atrocious. Is the typewriter broken?"
"No, sir. I'm afraid I was forced, by the constraints of time, to complete these forms writing with both hands."
"Both hands?"
"Yes, sir. If I had not written two forms at once, I would not have been able to complete the set in order to have them on your desk by the close of business yesterday."
"I see. While I appreciate your dedication to deadlines, in the future please make sure that all forms are legible."
"Understood, sir. Is there something else I can help you with?"
"I had no idea you were so ambidextrous, Constable Fraser."
"Proper preparation..."
"Yes, yes. You know, I might be convinced to overlook this...incident if you were willing to use your dexterity in, shall we say, the service of your superior officer."
"As always, I am ready to serve Queen and country."
"Oh, yeah, that's the idea. Serve some more."

---

"Hi, Fraser."
"Good day, Francesca."
"Ray called a while ago, said he and Dief got caught up with some cat stalking thing on the South Side, but he'll be in as soon as he can."
"I see. In that case, would you like to take a break and come to the cafe with me? They've added a new green tea blend that I'm afraid I have become woefully addicted to."
"Sure, I'd like that, Frase. Let me grab my bag."
...
"Good day, Mr. Neidermayer. May we have a small green tea and a large mocha, correct, Francesca?"
"Yeah, thanks, Frase."
"May I speak to you briefly in the back, Francesca?"
"Sure, Fraser, what's up?"
"I'm afraid that in this instance, actions will speak louder than words."
"Fraser? Mmph. Oh...Praise Mary full of grace, you're good at that..."

---

"Good afternoon, Assistant District Attorney Kowalski."
"Constable Fraser. Uh, hello. Is Ray here?"
"No, I'm afraid he's out. He had a training session at the gym with the new boxer he's working with, and kindly invited me to use his television, since there's a spring bonspiel on the satellite sports channel, and the consulate's TV is under repair."
"I see. Well, thank you."
"Would you like some tea? Ray should be returning soon."
"Sure, why not."

---

"Oh, hey, Turnbull, Fraser around? And why does the front door of the consulate say 'cheese'?"
"Welcome to Canada, Detective Vecchio. The Canadian Dairy Commission is having a trade meeting in the conference room. Come with me; Constable Fraser and I were consulting in the Queen's Bedroom."
"Hiding out from the cheese people, huh?"
"Well, the Limburger was quite good, but rather fragrant, I confess."
"Hey, Fraser. Did you say something weird and Canadian to Stella? I ran into her at the station and she said she saw you the other day, and she had this odd look in her eye."
"I'm afraid I can shed no light on Assistant District Attorney Kowalski's state of mind, Ray."
"Well, fair enough...Hey, Turnbull, what the hell?"
"Detective Vecchio, I had no idea you were so...impressive."
"I'll *impress* you if you don't cut it....oh....god...."
"Ray?"
"Hmmm. Yeah, Fraser?"
"Could you bend forward a tad more?... Excellent, thank you kindly."