ds_flashfiction | For the Badfic Challenge, by Sprat

Title: Carve Out My Heart Why Dont You
Rating: NC-17 (for disturbing content)
Summary: So Kowealski goes to Canada to help Fraser out with something, omg cuz he's SO IN LUV@!!!!1 but then he runz in2 vampiRE LESBIANS OMG but dont worry HAHAH cause their only in like, 1 paragraph omg HAHA, but anyway so when Ray gets to Fraser's cabin, like there is SOMONE ELSE THERE OMG WHO COULD IT BE!?!?! pls READ & RVW!!111! I might continue if there are a lot of comments@!@!
Warnings: lesbians!!

~~\~~Carve Out My Heart Why Dont You~~/~~

Author note: This story is for my best friend Kaitlin, cause even though she is sort of weird and slutty now, and hangs out with Charlene Menzies from Bowman Tech, and blows perverted old guys for drugs behind the bleachers, and then totally lies and says she was at Mock Parliament all along, she is still my best friend and I love her. XoXoXoX

Fraser was in danger!

Ray knew because he had a psychic sense about Fraser, because when you are really really close to a person, that is what happens, you get a psychic sense about them especially, so even when they are not telling you the truth about something, you TOTALLY SEE RIGHT THROUGH THEM. And that is what had happened to Ray.

Plus he also knew because Fraser had left a message on Ray's answering machine: "RayRayRayRay! I wish you were home for there is something I would like to say, but I-I-I...I am afraid. To say it." Ray stepped closer to the answering machine and herd Ben's choked sob, and that made him so sad that he had to pick the answering machine up and press it to his heart and then he missed what Ben gasped out next, so he had to hit rewind, and then finally he herd it: "Also, I think I am in danger."

OH MY GOD! Ben was in danger! Ray had to go to him RIGHT NOW! He rushed out into the pouring rain, which plastered his white t-shirt to his heaving pecs and made him look a lot more cut than he usually did, because you know how he always wears those baggy clothes and you totally cant see his body? But wet like that, you could, and it turned out that he was cut, and his blue eyes stared out mournfully from his beautiful face, brimming with tears and concern for his partner. For Ben. For the other half of his SOLE.

Pretty quickly he was out of the city and then it was a short drive to the mountains, where guilt began to rack the slender form of the blond man. "Why did I go and leave ya, Ben-boy? Why did I hafta do a stupid thing like that? WHY WHY WHY WHY!!!11!" And with that, the blond detective drove his car into the side of a mountain cliff out of his almost overwhelming feelings of love and guilt and ANGST.

He went head-first into the windshield which fortunately didn't brake, so he only got a bad bruise on his head instead of going through the windshield completely and getting his brains busted out (so THANK GOD FOR THAT, LOL). Still, he might have perrished, only just as he was gaining conscienceness again, he saw a spooky blue light in the sky.

"W-w-wha..?"

"DO NOT BE AFRAID, RAYMOND KOWeALSKI! WE ARE THE VAMPIRE LESBIANS OF RED DEER !! WE HAVE COME TO HELP!!"

And lo, out of the blue light floated a group of beautiful maidens wearing long black dresses and long black hair and looking sort of goth, only not as stupid, and they had on black boots also, which were cool. The landed on the moonlit road by the car and a couple of them started to make out RIGHT THERE, with there hands in eachothers hair and omg it was SO GROSS AND FASCINATING AND GROSS!!!

"Wow you guys are really lesbians." said Ray.

"YES WE ARE LESBIANS AND ALSO VAMPIRES RAY KOWeALSKI!! WE HAVE DWELLED IN THE MOUNTAINS HERE FOR MANY CENTURIES, SUCKING BLOOD AND HELPING STRANGERS AND DOING OUR LESBIAN THING!! COME NOW, WE WILL HELP YOU!!!"

And with that, the lead lesbian (who looked sort of like you, Kaitlin, HAHA) waves her pale hand and the blond detective finds himself sitting on the middle of the highway in a car that isn't even smashed and it is totally spooky OMG. And then the leader lesbian girl tries to bite Ray's juggler so he has to shoot her in the head and she dies and he feels his heart brake and the other lesbians fly away crying out sadly in the night: "WhEE-oo, whEE-oo, whEE-oo!", for that is the vampire lesbian song.

Later, Ray found himself driving through a blizzard. He was cold and hungry and almost fainting, and he wasn't even sure he was on the right road anymore, but it turned out that he was because lo, there was Ben's little house. He stopped the car and ran outside into the blizzard, and snowflakes got stuck in his eyelashes, which made his blue eyes look even more beautiful than usual, and he flung open the cabin door.

"Ben!" he cried.

But oh, the person standing in the middle of the kitchen wasnt Ben! It was a tall blonde girl in a horey tank top and a short skirt and cowboy boots! She jumped when she saw Ray standing there in the blizzard and spilled hot chocolate on her hand. HA!

"Who are you?" she said.

"Who are YOU?" Ray said back.

"I'm Marlene Jensies," said the girl, licking hot chocolate off her probably syphilitic finger. "I am Ben's new girlfriend." And at that, Ray wanted nothing more than to grab those blonde tresses and cut them all off and make a fugly lice-infested necklace out of them, only he was a gentleman, so he just ran weeping into the blizzard instead.

Much later, Ray was near death when what should come striding through the blizzard but Fraser! Fraser, with his red uniform and his stupid hat and a sliegh piled high with furs! "Ray, my lover, how could you believe I could be with anyone but you??!?"

"But...but..."

"It was all part of an undercover assignment," Fraser explained, tenderly sponging Ray's frostburned face with ointment (because, oh, they already managed to get back to Ben's cabing by then). "I had to pretend for a time, my lover, but now the witch is in jail, where she is no doubt getting her face shoved in a toilet as she so richly deserves, and we can finally be...together."

And Ray knew by the way Ben's voice got deeper on that last word that what he was talking about was sex.

And lo, they were VERY HAPPY.

~~~~~~~~The end~~~~~~~~~

Many thanks (?) to

lyra_sena for a most excellently horrible prompt.

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From:

sherriaisling.livejournal.com

The lesbian vampires talk in pink. I think I love you.

For the other half of his SOLE. Oh noes! Ray's missing part of his shoe!

"WhEE-oo, whEE-oo, whEE-oo!", for that is the vampire lesbian song. That part? Made me choke on air.

This was all kinds of wonderful wrong.

From:

For the Badfic Challenge, by Sprat

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