badfic challenge by pinn2480

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

Title: Seeds of Love
Prompt: Dief always wanted to be on TV. When a local Chicago camera team wants to make a documentation about the consulate he takes his chance to be the true star of the film. Subplot: Ray has to save Fraser from the claws of a horny directoress. Warnings: intrusive!Dief, m/m sex, chaos at the consulate, pregnancy and singing!Fraser
Prompt written by: missapocolyptic
Warnings: Flowerly language, no attempt to use proper tense, and a lot of repeated jokes. Also, there's some Phil Collins.



Meanwhile, back at the consulate...

Stanley Kowalski runs a hand through his hair before he turns and slams his fist against the door.

"Ray, I don't understand why you're so upset." Benton Fraser, Stanley's partner, said. "When we swore our love to each other while standing at the Hand of Franklin, I meant it. I will love you, Ray, and only you till the end of the world. I wouldn't have consummated our vows if I didn't mean it."

"I know, Benton." Stanley says, emotion choking his voice and muffling his words. He presses his fist to his mouth before speaking again. "I know that us giving our virginity to one another was our bond. It just hurt so much when I walked into the spacious office that you got after Inspector Thatcher retired, and saw that evil, horny directoress with her claws in you."

He looked up at Benton then, brown eyes shimmering, and Benton saw the tears making their way down Ray's face. He stalked across the room and kneeled in front of Stanley. "Ray, sunshine, please don't cry. It's that d-a-m-n documentation, everyone's flustered and no work has gotten done. I'm afraid that it's going to bring nothing but shame onto the Queen. If it wasn't for the fact that Dief, who's half-wolf, is the star, I'd kick the crew out right now."

Benton paused, surely there was some way he could dry up Ray's beautiful blue eyes. Ah ha! "Do you want me to kick the crew out, Stanley?"

Ray slid down to the floor and cupped Benton's pretty, pretty face. "Yes but Dief, who's half-wolf, would be upset and I can't do that to him. Not after he told me about your feelings for me. If it weren't for him, I would have never been able to plant my seed in your precious flower."

Stanley stared at the floor before looking back up at Benton. "There's something else, Benton, the real reason why I can't stop my tears from falling."

Just then, right before Ray can tell Benton that Stella's pregnant but doesn't know who the father is because it happened one night when she was out drinking after Ray Vecchio, the hot-blooded Italian who was once Benton's partner, was gunned down, there's a huge crash in the hall.

Benton stood to go see what had happened but before he could move, Stanley wrapped his arms around Benton's legs and sobbed, "Don't leave me right now, Benton, I need you so much."

Even though he could hear Dief, who's half-wolf, barking because he was upset that his chance to be the star was being ruined, and Turnbull saying "We should probably put that on ice if you want the hospital to reattach it", and "I'm sure the turtle didn't need it's shell, ma'am", Benton still sat back down. The consulate would always be standing, there was no such guarantee for Ray, and Benton wouldn't have been able to live with himself if he chose the job over Stanley and his hazelnut orbs.

Benton wrapped his arms tight around Ray, pulling the smaller man onto his lap, and asked, "Shall I sing our song, Stanley?"

Ray nodded and tightened his arms around Benton's neck. "It's like you know my heart's truest desires."

Benton opened his mouth and sang Stanley's cares away as he cried his tears of frustration, loss and pain into Benton's serge.

For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry

Comments

[strangecobwebs.livejournal.com]

Wait. Dief's half-wolf??? How did I not know this??


Also, this line alone: plant my seed in your precious flower deserves a Pulitzer or something. Just, you win at planting seeds in precious flowers!

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

They never talk about Dief on the show so I figured I should make sure that people knew that he's half-wolf.

Just, you win at planting seeds in precious flowers! Even though I'm still trying to figure out if I should be proud of that, thanks.

[defaultlyric.livejournal.com]

Ohmygod. I was giggling through the entire thing, but really started to choke at If it weren't for him, I would have never been able to plant my seed in your precious flower.

Also? Stanley and his hazlenut orbs. *hee*

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

Hazelnuts are the best kind of nuts, even more so because Stanley's liquid orbs are the color of a perfect hazelnut.

[lynnmonster.livejournal.com]

...you've read a lot of badfic, haven't you? Because this was NOTE-PERFECT, and I'm weeping tears of laughter. (Unlike Stanley. The big crybaby.)

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

*hangs head in shame* I've read my share (and probably my neighbor's share) of badfic. It's not Ray's fault that he feels things so deeply. It's because he spilled his seed on Fraser.

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

*dies*

Ow, that's just... excruciatingly bad/good.

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

It is kind of awful, isn't it? I think the awfulness is why I love it so much.

[ulthyrja.livejournal.com]

OMG, of course they were both virgins!!!

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

Of course they were!!! Seed spilling is only really sacred if the flower's opening for the first time ever.

[missapocalyptic.livejournal.com]

This was... dear Lord... brilliantly terrible. The best bad angst I've ever read. My favourite part, apart from the "precious flower"?

Stanley wrapped his arms around Benton's legs and sobbed, "Don't leave me right now, Benton, I need you so much."

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

I really wasn't sure which way to go with your prompt, humor or angst. Eventually, angst won the battle and the result is this fic.

[shoemaster.livejournal.com]

Good god, it's like you found one of the fanfics I wrote in eighth grade and changed some names. *facepalm* Back when using the thesaurus to find other words for "brown" was literary genius. Hazelnut orbs just sounds so dirty, too. Mayhap it's the placement of 'nut' and 'orbs' *ponders*

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

I let my inner 8th grader come out and play which really explains a lot about this fic. Normally I keep her cooped up, writing in pink notebooks and playing mash, but I figured this challenge was the perfect excuse to let her out.

[hieronymousmosh.livejournal.com]

Just then, right before Ray can tell Benton that Stella's pregnant but doesn't know who the father is because it happened one night when she was out drinking after Ray Vecchio, the hot-blooded Italian who was once Benton's partner, was gunned down, there's a huge crash in the hall.

Oh yeah. Ow. Ow. You've been studying for this challenge, haven't you?

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

I'm not going to answer you on the grounds that it might incriminate me. I've read a lot of badfic in my lifetime. My only regret is that I couldn't work in a Celine Dion song.

[hieronymousmosh.livejournal.com]

My only regret is that I couldn't work in a Celine Dion song

Oh god. Pardon me while I whimper at that thought . . .

[quiet-aversion.livejournal.com]

... >>

...

<<

Sequel. : D

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

My brain's not allowed to go down this path for a very long time. It's grounded, so to speak. Plus, I'm afraid if I start writing the Celine Dion songfic, I won't be able to stop.

[mos-self.livejournal.com]

and Turnbull saying "We should probably put that on ice if you want the hospital to reattach it"

Oh dear. I almost snort-laughed myself unconscious.

I also love the many mentions of Dief's half-wolvedness.

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

It's super important to make sure people know that Dief is half-wolf. Otherwise, there'll be anarchy.

[akite.livejournal.com]

I sincerely hope that the juxtapostion of the Ray and Stanley was all a part of your evil badfic plot. Ewww...nothing quicks me more, honestly.

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

The hardest part of this whole fic was keeping track of which name to use because I was trying to alternate it. But yeah, the name thing was definitely part of the plot because that's one of my pet peeves.

[lorem_ipsum]

He stalked across the room and kneeled in front of Stanley. "Ray, sunshine,

I am a broken, broken woman.

If it weren't for him, I would have never been able to plant my seed in your precious flower."

*weeps*

Just then, right before Ray can tell Benton that Stella's pregnant but doesn't know who the father is because it happened one night when she was out drinking after Ray Vecchio, the hot-blooded Italian who was once Benton's partner, was gunned down, there's a huge crash in the hall.

hee hee hee!

Stanley and his hazelnut orbs.

...okaaaaay.

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

You think you're broken? You should try living with the knowledge that this fic came from your brain, then you'll know what broken really feels like.

[lorem_ipsum]

:) Can't say I envy you.

[mrsronweasley.livejournal.com]

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. That's a COMPLIMENT, by the way, in this case. OH MY GOD. Planting Stanley's seed in Benton's flower. Oh God, it hurts so, so bad.

My brain. It's FRIED.

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

I find that the ones that hurt the most feel the best on the inside. Sorry about your brain though, after this fic, mine completely gave up on me. I still haven't been able to convince it to give me another chance.

[sherriaisling.livejournal.com]

I love the uses of both Ray and Stanley, the many mentions of Dief's half-wolfness, and how Ray magically manages to have brown, blue, and hazelnut orbs eyes. And you've girl-lified Ray to the point of complete cringe-worthy-ness. It's brain meltingly lovely.

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

Ray magically manages to have brown, blue, and hazelnut orbs eyes I know, isn't it amazing how one man's eyes can change so much?

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

The purplest of the purple! Appallingly purply. Yes, this prose, which is as purple as Dief (who is half-wolf) is white, is a work of genius. Did I mention? The purpliest sentence of all in a sea of purple sentences:

Just then, right before Ray can tell Benton that Stella's pregnant but doesn't know who the father is because it happened one night when she was out drinking after Ray Vecchio, the hot-blooded Italian who was once Benton's partner, was gunned down, there's a huge crash in the hall.

It's so unfortunate that this sentence isn't the first sentence, because if it were, seeing as how it's so purplish, it could be entered in the Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest for the purplest opening sentence to a nonexistent novel. More's the pity. I shall have to go find a Mountie to console me by singing something sappy and meaningless.

And then Turnbull's "we should probably put that on ice so it can be reattached at the hospital"! ROFL!!
Oh, and did I mention? Purple prose. And Fraser called him "Stanley" repeatedly! That is so wrong! You win!

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

Hee. I can't believe you called Phil Collins meaningless. You better make sure Stanley/Ray doesn't hear you, he might just weep all over you and that would be messy.

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

Hah! Well, I didn't say it had to be that song, but, yeah, now that you mention it? Sorry, Phil. I actually like Phil, but...that song's too general to be meaningful. I'm sure Phil makes it sound good, though, huh?

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

P.S. And oh, I just noticed. You called Ray "the smaller man." Hee! (One of my fanfic pet peeves. See also, "the blond detective." Haha!) And the song is to a child? Okay, that's why I found it meaningless: it doesn't apply! Okay. So. You still win!

[china_shop]

FRASER CALLED RAY "SUNSHINE"! My life is now complete. Thank you.

(This is genius.)

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

Anything I can do to complete someone's life, I'll do. What can I say, I'm a giver.

[proserpina-kore.livejournal.com]

my hart brakes for Stan. but benton is so loving of Him. you shuld writ othir stuff.

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[vienna-waits.livejournal.com]

Wow, that was brain-numbingly bad. Truly bad badfic. Well done!
*washes eyes out with bleach*

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

*passes you the bleach* I had to completely scrub my brain afterwards. But I'm glad you thought it was truly bad.

[starfishchick]

Hazelnut orbs?

OUCH.

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

I know. It's even more painful when you consider that his eyes were green before that and then blue at the beginning of the fic.

[indywind]

Pass the spork, I will eat my own brain now in self-preservation.
I never even noticed Stanray's colur-change eyes, I was too distracted byt the Ridiculous Constant Weeping.
OMG, ow.

p.s. my inner 8th-grader wants to swap retainers with yours.

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

Awesome, they can write in glittery pens on their notebooks, swap retainers , and play mash (because everyone knows mash is better when there's two people playing).

[refche.livejournal.com]

So bad OMG! With the seed planting and useless dialog, and oh God, the song. *shudders* Thanks for the laugh! :)

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[ifreet.livejournal.com]

"Ray, I don't understand why you're so upset."
Wow, I have no idea why Ray's upset either (a situation into which I've stumbled in more than a few badfics, so that's spot on for the challenge).

... it might be because he's boyfriend can't keep his name straight.

... or maybe he's just an inexplicable sobbing mess. *nods* I think that's it.

Perfectly awful. Well done.

[pinn2480.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I aim to please.