Badfic challenge story: Animal, by isiscolo

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

Title: Animal
Author: Isis (isiscolo)
Prompt (by sageness): RayK & Fraser track a suspect to the Lincoln Park Zoo, only to find themselves backstage at Chicago's annual Save the Zoo benefit concert! Diefenbaker goes wild in a trailer full of PETA-supporting supermodels, but Ray and Fraser can't stop to fetch him - the concert producer and the promoter are having a fist fight in the green room, Frannie, Welsh, Huey, and Dewey are riding elephants and dromedaries through the crowd, and (*gasp*) is that Armando Langoustini drinking buttermilk cocktails over on the ampitheater's VIP balcony? Songfic to ANIMAL (by Def Leppard).
Rating: PG
Warning: Don't step in the elephant poop.
Thanks to riverlight for beta!

A wild ride, over stony ground
Such a lust for life, the circus comes to town

They'd been gaining on Barnum since Clark Street, which was good. But Fraser was getting visibly nervous beside him; and if Fraser was nervous, things were definitely not good.

As Ray whipped the car around the corner of Cannon he shot another glance at Fraser. He held himself even more stiffly than usual, staring out the window like he was being driven to his own death - which, considering the wildly dangerous things that seemed to happen to the two of them lately, wasn't exactly out of the realm of possibility.

"Okay, where'd he go?" When there was no immediate answer, Ray sighed loudly. "Come on, Fraser, that's your job. I drive, you watch where the bad guy goes. How difficult can that be?"

Fraser mumbled something inaudible.

"What's that?"

Fraser continued to gaze out the window steadily. "I believe he went into the zoo, Ray."

"What the - Jesus, Fraser, you could have told me that before I passed it," Ray grumbled, swinging into a sharp U-turn and pulling into the entrance. The parking lot was surprisingly full for this time of evening. He'd have thought the place would be closed by now, but row upon row of swanky vehicles filled the lot. He parked next to a black Mercedes and opened the door; in the distance he heard the faint strains of music. "Let's get at 'er."

Dief jumped out of the back seat and trotted behind him as he walked to the gate. Fraser followed with obvious reluctance. "My associations with this place are not altogether pleasant," he muttered, and Dief whined. "Well, yes, you being shot was part of it, but I wasn't - oh, for heaven's sake, do you always think it's all about you?"

Ray turned back toward him. "Could we have a little less talking to the wolf, and a little more chasing the bad guy, here?"

"Understood," said Fraser. "Ah - I believe I see him," he added, his voice suddenly sharp and tense. He pointed. "That way."

Ray saw just a flash of the powder-blue tuxedo that Barnum was wearing before it disappeared behind a hedge. Immediately he gave chase; Fraser and Dief quickly passed him, and he ran after them, down the walk and around the hedge. Barnum was nowhere in sight, but that was okay, because Fraser was a better tracker anyway, and it was easy enough to follow the vivid red uniform and the flash of white beside it. Let them follow that damn blue tuxedo.

We are the hungry ones, on a lightning raid
Just like a river runs, like a fire needs a flame
I burn for you

Around the hedge, across the lawn, and the music was getting louder. He followed them right up to the edge of what looked like a big white circus tent; then Ray had to stop abruptly so as not to run into a solid red wall of Mountie. "What is -" he began, but Fraser, who was peering into the opening between two canvas flaps of the tent, waved at him to be quiet. Ray supposed he was listening to the music, which was clearly coming from somewhere inside the tent. Elevator-type stuff, not really his speed, and it didn't sound live; they must have a deejay in there or something, he figured.

Finally, Fraser straightened. "He's in there."

"Okay, great. We go in after him," said Ray, but Fraser put out a hand.

"It appears there's some sort of gala taking place inside this temporary pavilion. We can't endanger innocent civilians, Ray."

"No, of course not," said Ray. Then it hit him. "A gala. Yeah, that's exactly what it is - it's the annual Save the Zoo benefit! Perfect!"

"I'm afraid I don't understand."

"Look, this is a big deal, okay? Lots of important people, mob bosses, supermodels, stockbrokers, you name it. So they've got security. And security means underpaid cops moonlighting. And I happen to know that Huey and Dewey are two of them."

"Detectives Huey and Dewey?"

Ray rolled his eyes. "What other Huey and Dewey do you know? But this is good, see, 'cause they can be our backup."

"I don't know, Ray," said Fraser. "I'm concerned about infiltrating the crowd. They're all dressed in evening wear. In fact, our quarry, Mr. Barnum, ought to fit right in with his satin dinner jacket. But I fear that you and I will stick out like a sore finger."

"Thumb, Fraser," said Ray, shaking his head and hiding a smile. Sometimes he thought Fraser did this sort of thing on purpose. How anyone could be so clueless and survive, he had no idea. "Okay. Mingling with the crowd is out. What about a lightning raid? In, boom, out?"

Fraser frowned and looked thoughtful. "I may have a plan. When I looked inside, I noticed that the stage is on the left. Let's circle around behind it."

"Yeah, okay," said Ray. They walked toward what was clearly the back of the tent. Several trailers were set up behind a large open flap, and Ray could see people in waiter uniforms moving back and forth, taking trays of food and drinks from one of the trailers and into the big tent. He gave Fraser a sidelong glance. "So I was wondering."

"Hmm?" said Fraser.

"You didn't look too keen on coming in here. What do you have against zoos?"

"Let's just say I had a bad experience chasing a suspect here before."

"Didn't catch him, huh?"

"Worse. She caught him."

"She?"

"I don't like to talk about it," said Fraser firmly, and there was something off about the way he said it; something about his tone of voice, and the way he was looking down, off to the side, refusing to meet Ray's eyes. It gave Ray the chills, and he guessed that the case that had brought him here before had had something to do with Victoria. He didn't know much about her, but he knew enough to know it had to be bad. That woman had messed Fraser up but good, enough to put him off the whole idea of romance, it seemed. Which was a pity, because if anybody deserved romance it was Fraser.

I gotta feel it in my blood, Whoa oh
I need your touch don't need your love, Whoa oh

Of course, if Fraser knew exactly what kind of romance Ray thought he deserved, he'd probably run screaming. Which is why all Ray did was nod and say, "I get it."

Beside them, Dief gave a low growl, and Fraser added, "And, yes, of course the whole idea of putting wild animals in cages when they should be roaming free just doesn't sit well with us. Er, with me."

"You think they should be wandering the streets of Chicago?"

Fraser shrugged. "Well, Ray, it might lower your homeless population," he said, and Ray stared at him for a moment before realizing he was only joking. Probably.

They were almost at the trailers when they started hearing voices. Loud voices. A few more steps, and they saw where the voices were coming from: two men, standing behind the open flap, gesticulating wildly, faces red as they yelled at each other. Ray couldn't make out all the words, but it sounded like an argument over a contract that one of them had apparently welshed on - exactly the sort of thing he did not want to get in the middle of. Naturally, this meant that the first thing Fraser did was step right up to them with a broad, open smile, saying, "What seems to be the problem, gentlemen?"

Both men turned to stare. "What the fuck is a Mountie doing here?" muttered one.

"He first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of his father," said Ray helpfully, "and so on and so forth, and Fraser, maybe we'd better -"

"No, please," said Fraser, holding up a hand. "Tell me what the problem is. Maybe I can mediate your dispute."

"Well, that sounds fair," said the man who'd spoken before. He was as broad-shouldered as an NFL defensive back, and his sleek-looking black tux fit as though it had been made for him, which it probably had been. "Our dispute is that Mr. Spector, here, agreed to provide entertainment in the form of Miss Lulu Lexington and the Labradors, and this slimy lying son-of-a-bitch shows up with… with… with…" His face went red, and Fraser patted him briefly on the shoulder.

"Go on, sir."

The man shot the presumed Mr. Spector a poisonous glance, finally spitting out, "With a seventy-eight year old accordion player!"

"Frankie's a very talented -"

"The point is, we contracted for Miss Lulu!"

"The problem is," said Spector in a high, whiny voice, "Miss Lulu happens to be deathly allergic to animals. And I counted at least a dozen animals wandering around the crowd." He shrugged his shoulders theatrically, making his lime-green tux ripple and shine in the shaft of light coming from the flap in the tent. "Thank goodness I had the foresight to check out the situation before sending poor Miss Lulu to her doom."

The defensive back waved a hand dismissively. "Spare me. This is a zoo; of course we have animals. But I have the cream of Chicago society out there, drinking my champagne and eating my smoked salmon hors d'oeuvres, and if I expect them to open their wallets and give generously I have to provide them with more entertainment than a single superannuated accordionist!"

"Gentlemen," said Fraser. Ray could practically see his smile switch to the high-beam setting as he spread his hands in a placating gesture. "Perhaps I can be of assistance?"

And I want, and I need,
And I lust, animal
And I want, and I need,
And I lust, animal

Ray stood hidden in the darkness at the side of the stage, staring. Fraser was no Miss Lulu, but it didn't seem to matter: the so-called cream of Chicago society was lapping up his performance as though he were doing a strip-tease. Which, Ray had to admit, he would lap up as well. On the other hand, this performance was about the weirdest thing Ray had ever seen, and he'd seen more weird things than he could count on all his fingers and toes combined. Most of the weird things seemed to have something to do with Fraser, of course. But this particular weird thing took the prize.

Fraser stood woodenly in the center of the stage under a spotlight that made his uniform glow as though it ran on batteries, belting out a weird song about animals and lust. His voice was pretty good, Ray had to give him that. But that song? Just plain bizarre. He'd consulted with Frankie the accordion player for about thirty seconds before walking out onto the stage, and Ray supposed this was the best they could come up with. And he had to admit it was kind of sexy hearing the word 'lust' come out of Fraser's prim mouth. Maybe that was what had all the debutantes and society matrons in the crowd drooling.

Fraser sang one more chorus; then he bowed to the crowd as the lights came up to deafening applause. Amazing, thought Ray. Must be something about the Mountie suit. Or the 'lust.'

Then a too-familiar voice assaulted his eardrums. "Oh, my God! Fraser! That was amazing!" Ray could see the polite mask dropping across Fraser's features as he acknowledged Frannie with a nod.

"You are, er, amazing as well, Francesca." That was certainly no understatement; the spangled pink evening gown she wore was a feat of engineering, particularly the way it made her breasts stick out forward with no visible support. At the moment they were sticking out perilously close to Fraser, and Ray had just about regretfully decided he was going to have to intervene when he heard another unfortunately familiar voice.

"Constable Fraser," said Lieutenant Welsh, putting a proprietary arm around Frannie. Jeez, thought Ray, is Frannie his date? He wasn't sure which bothered him more - the idea of anyone dating Frannie, or of anyone dating Welsh. Maybe it was just cover, so they could blend in with the crowd. Yeah, that must be it.

Welsh was eyeing Fraser with a look of concern. "I was given to understand that you and Vecchio were out chasing some criminals tonight?"

"Ah, yes, sir," said Fraser. His thumb darted up to smooth his eyebrow. "Pete Barnum, well-known con man. This evening, he stole a box of jewels from a downtown jewelry store. Detective Vecchio and I had tracked him to this venue when I was required to step in to avert a fracas."

"A fracas," repeated Welsh, with an eloquent sigh. "Why am I not surprised? And where, may I ask, is Vecchio?"

"Um, over here, sir," said Ray, stepping out from the shadows.

"I trust there's a good explanation for -"

"Over there," Fraser interrupted, gesturing toward the back of the tent where a powder-blue patch stood out among the brightly-colored plumage of society birds and actual - Ray squinted so he could make them out - peacocks and flamingos.

"Right," said Ray. "I'll explain later, sir," he called over his shoulder toward Welsh as he and Fraser dashed off the stage and toward Barnum.

Cry wolf, given mouth to mouth
Like a movin' heartbeat in the witching hour

Running through a crowd was never easy. Running through a crowd that consisted of mob bosses in tuxedos and glittering women in high heels and evening gowns was even harder; run into one of those men a little too hard and you'd find yourself facing down the barrel of a gun, and God forbid you tear a tiny hole in the expensive dress his wife was wearing. On top of that, the zoo had apparently let some of its inmates out for good behavior. Ray dodged a camel, ducked around a strutting emu, and nearly stepped in a large, steaming pile of…something he really did not want to think about.

Unfortunately, Barnum spotted them while they were still some distance away and started running for the exit. Fortunately, the same factors that made Ray and Fraser's route an obstacle course were there for Barnum as well, and he was hampered by the box of stolen jewels tucked under one arm. "Dief!" shouted Fraser as they leapt over a display of You and the Zoo! pamphlets. "Don't let him get away!"

Ray saw a flash of white in his peripheral vision as Dief zoomed by, cutting off Barnum's escape route and planting himself in the middle of the tent's doorway. Barnum halted in confusion and looked around for another way out, but by then Ray and Fraser were skidding to a stop, pinning him between them and Dief. With a quick glance at Fraser, Ray pulled out his handcuffs and approached Barnum. "Okay, you're under arrest. Hand over the goods."

Barnum gave him a slight smile and extended the box toward him - and the top sprung open. The last thing Ray saw was the spring-loaded grinning clown's face that came rocketing toward him, wham, right at his nose.

I'm runnin' with the wind, a shadow in the dust
And like the drivin' rain, yeah, like the restless rust
I never sleep

Ray couldn't decide whether it was a good dream or a bad dream. The blonde supermodel had punched him right in the nose, and it hurt like hell. His whole head hurt like hell, in fact. On the other hand, she'd taken pity on him, and was kissing him sweetly, so sweetly, her lips gentle and soft against his, and that felt almost good enough to cancel out the throbbing in his nose and skull.

"Mmm," he murmured against her silken lips, and the sound of his own voice woke him up. He was flat on his back, on a hard surface - not the familiar squishy mattress of his own bed. A low murmuring slowly became louder; people, talking animatedly, off in the distance. His nose still hurt like it had been hit by a train. And his lips were still - his eyes flew open.

"Ah, you've come around," said Fraser, sitting up and leaning away from him. "How are you feeling?"

Ray ran a finger thoughtfully across his lips. "Fraser, were you - were you kissing me?"

Fraser made a complicated hand gesture that seemed to take in Ray's lips, his own lips, the ground, and possibly Fraser's hat. "Of course not, Ray. I was merely concerned that you had been hurt and I was employing rescue breathing."

"Uh-huh. Is that like buddy breathing?"

Ray was gratified to see Fraser's face redden. "No, well, in practice it's similar, of course, but in buddy breathing the object is to share oxygen while underwater, whereas with rescue breathing the rescuer is attempting to resuscitate a person who is not breathing on his own due to sustaining an injury."

"Huh. And I sustained an injury?" Ray asked. Gingerly he touched his nose - yeah, that felt like an injury, all right. "What happened?"

"Well, when the box that Barnum was holding turned out -"

"Oh, Jesus," said Ray, as it all came back to him in a rush. "Barnum. Where is he? He didn't get away, did he?" He attempted to scramble to his feet, but Fraser put a hand on his shoulder to stop him, and frankly he was kind of happy about that, because his head was still spinning like a Tilt-o-whirl.

"It's all under control, Ray." Fraser pointed off to the side, where a crowd of animals and people were gathered around some central figure, everyone babbling, talking, gesturing. It was enough to make his head hurt, if it hadn't been hurting already.

"Wait a minute," said Ray. "Is that Frannie on an…elephant?"

Cry wolf, baby cry tough
Gonna hunt you like an, an, an, an, an animal
Gonna take you love 'n' run

"…and then after Barnum dispatched you with his Jack-in-the-box he had nowhere to go, as Dief was guarding the door," explained Fraser. It had been a long and complicated explanation, and Ray still wasn't quite sure where Frannie and the elephant fit in. "Then Lieutenant Welsh contacted Detectives Huey and Dewey, who were working security for the event, and they apprehended the miscreant."

"Meaning Barnum."

"That's correct."

Ray thought for a moment. "But if the box had that thing in it that punched me, where were the jewels?"

"Ah." Fraser looked at the floor. "The jewelry store contacted the Lieutenant just a few minutes ago, saying it had all been a mistake. Barnum's quite a con man, apparently, and as soon as they saw him they were sure he'd taken something. It turns out the jewels had been in a back office for cleaning and never left the store."

"So they cried wolf, huh?" said Ray. Wolf. He looked around. "Where's Dief?"

"Oh, he's being suitably rewarded for his part in the chase," said Fraser. Ray looked to where he was pointing: there sat the blonde supermodel from his dream, stroking Dief's fur and cooing into his ears. It figures the wolf would get the babe, he thought philosophically.

Then again, maybe that wasn't so bad. Sure, Dief had gotten the babe, but hadn't that been Fraser kissing him about two minutes ago? And that made twice, now. Maybe Fraser wasn't quite as straight as Ray had thought. Maybe Fraser wouldn't object to Ray's idea of romance, after all. Even if he had to call it by some fancy name to justify it to himself. Because Ray had been on the other end of those lips - and they were definitely kissing.

"Speaking of rewards," said Ray. "I think I deserve a little more rewarding." Fraser looked at him blankly. "Everybody's looking at Frannie and the elephant. Nobody's looking at us."

"Do you mean to say that you're feeling faint again and require additional rescue breathing?" said Fraser. He lifted an eyebrow, and Ray could see a smile lurking at the corner of his mouth.

"Nah," said Ray, reaching up to urge Fraser back down to the floor. "I mean to say that I want you to kiss me again."

"I told you, that wasn't a kiss," said Fraser primly as he slid into Ray's arms. He tightened his own arms around Ray's shoulders, and his lips came down hard and sweet, his tongue licking at Ray's mouth until it opened to let him in. After a long, delicious exploration he drew away for a moment. "That was a kiss."

"Fraser, you animal," said Ray, grinning, and he pulled Fraser to him again.

And I want, and I need,
And I lust, animal
Take me, tame me
Make me your animal
Show me, stroke me
Let me be your animal
I want, ooh yeah, animal

Comments

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

This is great. No badfic here! Just canon-esque Due South wackiness carried to a greater degree (Fraser's song was the wackiest), and a little slashiness. In fact, the only "bad" things I found in it were Frannie's and Barnum's outfits. Oh, and the "it was all a mistake" idea. Everything else? Goodfic.

I love the "rescue breathing" bit; how Ray thinks it's kissing (I agree) and Fraser claims it's not. The last few paragraphs are perfect.

I actually like it when the "badfic" is good. :)

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

What, you don't like spangles and sparkles? :-) And I had to go with the 'mistake' idea as I was drawing my inspiration from the required song as literally as I could. Heh.

Thanks so much - I'm glad it entertained you!

[starfishchick]

OK, I know, I know, it's bad fic, but it's such GOOD bad fic!

It reads like an episode - it really does.

"Dief!" shouted Fraser as they leapt over a display of You and the Zoo! pamphlets. "Don't let him get away!"

*hysterical laughter*

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

Hee, my thoughts exactly when I saw the prompt: this could be an episode! Except for the songfic part. And then I remembered the way dS always does that music-video bit in the middle of each episode, and thought, hmm, maybe even with the songfic part...

Thanks very much!

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

Eeeee, this is great!

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[sage]

YAY!! You are so brave for turning this into a real story! *beams*

I really love how this turned out. Fraser singing! Frannie/Welsh! The Rescue Breathing! Dief getting the girl! Fraser demonstrating a real kiss! *g* I also love that the pacing is SO much like an episode, with each little lyric snippet matching a scene and all the weirdness fitting in like it's nothing at all strange. And the last line made me want to stab Ray a little, but in a good way. :P

Yay fic!!

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

Hee, it's all your fault. I looked at the prompt and thought, "This could be an episode, except for the songfic part!" And then I remembered the way they put that music-video-ish interlude in each episode, and thought, "Hmm, maybe even with the songfic part..."

I didn't manage to hit every summary item, but I think I alluded to just about all of them, whew! And it was a great deal of fun, so thanks for giving me the opportunity to stretch my due South wackiness muscles.

[fabularasa.livejournal.com]

Hang your head in shame -- you couldn't write badfic to save your life. You ought to be embarrassed, posting such delightful frothy goodfic.

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

I fail at badfic! Um, yay?

[bentrumors.livejournal.com]

I too was going to say it wasn't badfic at all... until it turned into songfic. That was sooo bad! LOL

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

Alas, the songfic requirement was imposed by sageness. To be honest, I don't actually know this song - I just googled the lyrics!

[scriggle.livejournal.com]

Eeeep! Songfic. *g*

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

I hate songfic with an abiding passion! So naturally the prompt I am assigned specifies songfic. :-)

[lynnmonster.livejournal.com]

Bwahahaha!

As much as I always hate ridiculous lyrics shoehorned in between segments of a story, especially when they're supposed to carry all the weight of all the actual atmosphere-setting and storytelling? THAT is how much I loved the bits of Animal insterspersed here. You evil genius!

[lynnmonster.livejournal.com]

P.S. - Here's an appropriate (if rather unexpected!) mashup I really like of Fake ID vs. Def Leppard: Party Animal (http://www.megaupload.com/?d=JATUWQ3C).

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

Hee, thanks very much! I had a lot of fun trying to sneak in as much literal interpretation as I could. Bwahaha indeed - and thanks for the song!

[china_shop]

Aww, rescue breathing! Yay! *loves*

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

Hey, the lyrics said "mouth to mouth," and I went with it!

Thanks very much!

[delurker.livejournal.com]

Rescue breathing! Hee! This is so much fun.

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[malnpudl.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear lord! You've left me grinning like a complete loon.

The songfic bits were gloriously painful, and the rest of it was simply grand fun. :-)

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

Believe me, it was painful writing songfic. But kind of fun, in a gleefully bad way.

And if I put a grin on your face, my mission is accomplished!

[ulthyrja.livejournal.com]

Funny thing, this reads like an actual episode of DS. I could see the whole thing in my head!

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

Hee, I swear that's what I thought when I saw the prompt. "Badfic? Hell, canon!" And the songfic part is just the series' propensity for those stupid music-video chase sequences...

[ifreet.livejournal.com]

I have to agree with the other commenters -- you've managed to take several ideas that should be crazy and weird and bad, and combine them into something that works, in its own kooky way. Much like the original shows.

And this description, "Fraser made a complicated hand gesture that seemed to take in Ray's lips, his own lips, the ground, and possibly Fraser's hat," should not be as evocative of a precise visual as it is.

Good fic!

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! Honestly, that's what I love about the show - it's crazy and weird and kooky. I'm flattered that you and others see the echoes of canon in my inspiration.

[rustler.livejournal.com]

You know, this is actually an enviable piece of work. I mean, you made a real, fun little Due South story out of this premise, including the songfic aspect (and Def Leppard! Yikes!)

I had really hoped to be able to do something similar with the prompt I got, but my ideas were much too ambitious for the timeframe and I wound up having to just do a little excerpt and feeling pretty bummed and disappointed about it. So, I'm really glad to see that someone was able to accomplish *good* bad!fic in a neat, complete little package. Bravo! :-)

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

Thanks very much! Half the credit should go to Sage, because (other than the songfic part) I thought the premise she wrote was scarily like an actual episode. And I'd just as soon write good crackfic as parody badfic, so I'm glad it worked and glad you liked it!

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

I knew this was going to be fun at
As Ray whipped the car around the corner of Cannon... well, exactly.

The interjection of

I gotta feel it in my blood, Whoa oh
I need your touch don't need your love, Whoa oh

right in the serious Victoria part was inspired - I could just see Ray all serious and intense, pausing to have this in his head and nodding...

And the image of Fraser stiffly singing this particular song to crowd of prim, lust-crazed benefit dinner types is... well it's one of those things that wraps so far round it's like canon again. Also,

Fraser made a complicated hand gesture that seemed to take in Ray's lips, his own lips, the ground, and possibly Fraser's hat.

Beauty.

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

Thank you for braving the summary and reading my story! And, yeah, I swear I was picturing it as an episode while I was writing.