Smut virgin

[mergatrude.livejournal.com]

Yes I am, so it feels a little clumsy to me. And it's not terribly smutty either.


Release Me

Stella lay quietly, keeping her breathing even until she was sure Ray was asleep. Her hand slid down her belly to comb through the coarse curls of her pubic hair, toying with the strands. She felt a little guilty, a bit dirty, lying there touching herself thinking about strange men taking her roughly while Ray lay sleeping next to her. A little nudge and she knew he’d be only too happy to help her get off, just with his tongue and fingers if she didn’t feel like a fuck. But she didn’t want that. Didn’t want his touch and the emotional investment their lovemaking seemed to require.

Her left hand came up to thumb a nipple, teasing it to hardness. She pinched it, gently at first, then harder as her mind played out some stupid fantasy of being slapped, being pushed around, that she knew she’d never tolerate in real life. Parting the folds of her labia she slid two fingers through the growing dampness, spreading moisture around, stroking her clit. Ray stirred, mumbling, and she froze until his breathing deepened once more. She pressed harder, rubbing her clit more firmly, not wanting to dress this up anymore, just chasing the sensation and holding her body perfectly still as it washed through her, making her legs ache a little. Relaxing with a sigh she tasted her fingers before wiping them on a corner of the sheet and rolling onto her side.

Ray rolled with her, flinging an arm over her, his breath tickling her neck uncomfortably. She prodded him with her elbow, replying “Too hot,” to his questioning murmur. A small lie she was using more frequently. He rolled back, his arm stroking down her side and she tried not to flinch.

Comments

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch
This is really good, so don't doubt yourself. It's also a great look inside a decaying marriage. How awful that she can't tolerate Ray's touch and the emotional investment their lovemaking seemed to require yet...her mind played out some stupid fantasy of being slapped, being pushed around, that she knew she’d never tolerate in real life.
This is painful, really painful, especially the perfunctory way she pleasures herself, not wanting to "dress it up." And to think she has Ray right there.

[foolme8.livejournal.com]

i'm actually a big wimp, can't stand the painful fic and avoid reading it too - very big wimp - but sometimes it sneaks in under the radar and i thought you captured the poignancy pretty damn fine - thanks -

[halimede.livejournal.com]

I'm with Shay, this is really good. You can feel her pain and guilt and emotional weariness.

[ajinamoto.livejournal.com]

Didn't want his touch and the emotional investment their lovemaking seemed to require.

I second that ouch.

It makes you wonder how they got there. Ray always seems to be the type to put his feelings right out there and those feelings didn't change. What was she expecting when she married him?

I demand answers! Ray deserves better than that!

ahem... Excuse me. I never liked the way she treated him. Hmmmph.

This was an excellent story and a good first foray into smut. Good job.

ETA: Spellcheck suggests "homeomorph" for hmmmph. What the heck is a homeomorph?

[ajinamoto.livejournal.com]

Okay, can you tell this one is sticking in my head (great job Mergatrude!).

Ray rolled with her, flinging an arm over her, his breath tickling her neck uncomfortably. She prodded him with her elbow, replying “Too hot,” to his questioning murmur. A small lie she was using more frequently. He rolled back, his arm stroking down her side and she tried not to flinch.

I repeat my question, what was she expecting? Did she "grow out of" the marriage? Did she stop loving him? Did she ever love him?

Grrrr...

You can see where my sympathies lie.

Poor Ray, he has no idea.

(heh heh - I just noticed your "current mood")

[jenboo.livejournal.com]

this is very sad and very real. I confess to feeling these same things in some of the lower moments in my marriage (not that I ever went as far as Stella is in this bit!)...the 'don't touch me' or 'it's too hot'. *shiver*

Nice deflowering! And now we know why Ray is so lucky to have Ben. *g*

[rowanfairchild.livejournal.com]

Don't be doubting yourself. I really love getting to see these characters and their situations from unexpected angles, and this was wonderfully oblique.
-R

[mergatrude.livejournal.com]

Thank you. (currently front runner for Miss Low Self-Esteem 2003)

And to think she has Ray right there I know, and Ray would do anything to make her happy and I think that's part of what she can't deal with because she doesn't feel the same way about him anymore. She feels bad about it. Or something. Amateur psychoanalysis.

[mergatrude.livejournal.com]

Glad you liked it anyway ...

[mergatrude.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm glad that the guilty/tired part got through. She was quite insistant and more than a little unhappy.

[mergatrude.livejournal.com]

Thank you, and thank you again.

(speaking only in terms of my story) Yes, I get the feeling that she did grow out of the marriage. I think that guilt plays a big part in the way she treats him - she knows that she's treated him badly but doesn't want to deal with it so does her utmost to keep him away. And if Ray is clueless it's partly her fault for not telling him what was going on with her. People change, but people can change together if they communicate. Hmmm. /me plays at amateur psychologist again.

Oh and the OED says:

hom{oe}omorphy (http://dictionary.oed.com/cgi/entry/00107514?query_type=word&queryword=homeo&edition=2e&first=1&max_to_show=10&xref=1&sort_type=alpha&result_place=1) A superficial resemblance between two fossils or two fossil species sufficient to suggest a taxonomic identity that close examination shows not to exist; esp. a resemblance that is due to convergent evolution.

...hence homeomorph (yes, I'm sad)

[mergatrude.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm glad it seemed real (that was a worry of mine), though sorry you ever felt that way. And I guess I'm only partially deflowered ... next up is boy smut.

[mergatrude.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I think the Ray/Stella dynamic is very complex. I hope I'm doing it justice.

[mergatrude.livejournal.com]

Oh ... thank you!

[mergatrude.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Yes, she probably doesn't want him to have the upper hand at all. I think she feels guilty, and as a controlling person she does not want to feel that.

[helvirago]

People change, but people can change together if they communicate.

But not always. Honestly, I thought this was very good and made total sense. I completely understand the idea of not wanting the emotional commitment of lovemaking, and I really felt for Stella. And Ray. But I don't think he could have helped.

It was very good, and captured that feeling very well.

[spuffyduds.livejournal.com]

Owie. I loves complicated depressing Stella/Ray.

[mergatrude.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I don't think it was easy for either of them to call it quits.

[luzula]

Ouch, that's so uncomfortable and guilty and sad. Poor them.