Quadruped challenge by jadelennox
Sep. 19th, 2007 12:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jadelennox posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
ds_flashfictionTitle: (not a) High School AU!
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jadelennox
Rating: PG
Length: 825 words
Notes: Many thanks tochina_shop for letting me post late!
1. When Diefenbaker woke up, he knew what was wrong immediately. He was smaller, for one thing, and everything smelled different. He smelled different. But most importantly, he had teats.
Fraser didn't know what was going on at first, Diefenbaker could tell. For the first few days Fraser kept looking at him funny, sniffing the air, well aware that something was wrong but not quite sure what it was. Diefenbaker chose not to tell him. At first he was too affronted over the loss of his own dignity (and for dignity, read, "balls") to carry on a civil conversation with Fraser. And after that, well, if Fraser couldn't recognize a fine bitch in her prime, then Diefenbaker certainly wasn't going to tell him. Honestly, sometimes consorting with humans was more trouble than it was worth.
Anyways, life was much simpler now in terms of Fraser/Diefenbaker politics. A pack could only have one alpha wolf, and Fraser and Diefenbaker had been fighting over that spot for years. But a pack could absolutely have both an alpha wolf and an alpha bitch. Suddenly they were disagreeing a lot less often, and that confused Fraser, almost as much as the odd smells and the differently shaped body. But Diefenbaker didn't have to keep asserting his dominance anymore; it's not like Fraser was going to challenge his spot for alpha bitch. Not unless he woke up female, one day, too, and that was an utterly ludicrous thought.
So everything was going really well until the day Diefenbaker went into estrus.
2. Turtle woke up gay. This is what came of listening to Ray read And Tango Makes Three to Frannie's kids. From perfectly normal turtle to incredibly gay turtle in the blink of an eye.
It was super frustrating. One day, it was all walk around the tank, eat a little bit of lettuce, nap inside his shell, eat a little more lettuce, bask in the heat lamp. Then the next day, it was all walk around the tank, eat a little bit of lettuce, nap inside his shell, eat a little more lettuce, bask in the heat lamp -- but do it gay. The last thing Turtle needed was to be attracted to other male turtles. It was bad enough being a heterosexual turtle in an aquarium: never getting laid, never even seeing a sweet piece of female turtle shell. But now that he was gay, he was just as sexually repressed as before, but perverted to boot.
What Turtle really needed to do was assert his masculinity. Unfortunately, he had absolutely no idea how a turtle asserted his masculinity. After all, he lived in a freaking tank. The only way he could assert his masculinity was by being straight. And if he couldn't be straight, couldn't he at least get some play? No. He could not, because he lived in a tank, without a girl turtle or a guy turtle anywhere in the vicinity.
So all in all, being gay really, really sucked.
3. The horse from the Musical Ride and the bear got trapped together in a Canadian shack. Really, the less said about this one the better.
4. Damn straight it was going to take being kidnapped by aliens to make Ante give Maggie the time of day. Poodles did not associate with huskies. Nor vice versa, Maggie insisted, later. The fact is, though, that Maggie was so warm, so soft, and so very very nurturing -- everything Ante wasn't. Ante was more of a thinker, a conniving bitch who made her own way in the world.
So, okay, it took the alien sex pollen to make them actually do the deed. But long after all that outer space whizmaroo had worn off, long after both litters of mixed-breed puppies (and how the hell did that happen?) had weaned and gone, Ante and Maggie were still closer than any self-respecting poodle or husky could have anticipated. They snuck out at night and foraged in dumpsters. They begged beef from the classy butchers and stole wrappers from the dumpster behind McDonald's. They teased Dief (who was male again, by now) and his litter (he really, really didn't want to talk about it). They slept curled up in a puppy pile and chased frisbees together in the park.
Ante would never have thought she wanted to invite someone into her life who wasn't slick and polished and hard-edged. She'd have said, before the aliens, that she had no room for frisbees and Big Mac wrappers. And she'd have been so, so wrong. Sometimes, curled up at night with Maggie, Ante thought that if the aliens ever came back, she'd do something really nice for them. But then Maggie would snuffle and lick her ear, or would run a little in her sleep as she chased down a dream squirrel, and Ante would stop thinking about aliens, and would close her eyes and go back to sleep. It was a good life.
Author:
jadelennoxRating: PG
Length: 825 words
Notes: Many thanks to
china_shop for letting me post late!1. When Diefenbaker woke up, he knew what was wrong immediately. He was smaller, for one thing, and everything smelled different. He smelled different. But most importantly, he had teats.
Fraser didn't know what was going on at first, Diefenbaker could tell. For the first few days Fraser kept looking at him funny, sniffing the air, well aware that something was wrong but not quite sure what it was. Diefenbaker chose not to tell him. At first he was too affronted over the loss of his own dignity (and for dignity, read, "balls") to carry on a civil conversation with Fraser. And after that, well, if Fraser couldn't recognize a fine bitch in her prime, then Diefenbaker certainly wasn't going to tell him. Honestly, sometimes consorting with humans was more trouble than it was worth.
Anyways, life was much simpler now in terms of Fraser/Diefenbaker politics. A pack could only have one alpha wolf, and Fraser and Diefenbaker had been fighting over that spot for years. But a pack could absolutely have both an alpha wolf and an alpha bitch. Suddenly they were disagreeing a lot less often, and that confused Fraser, almost as much as the odd smells and the differently shaped body. But Diefenbaker didn't have to keep asserting his dominance anymore; it's not like Fraser was going to challenge his spot for alpha bitch. Not unless he woke up female, one day, too, and that was an utterly ludicrous thought.
So everything was going really well until the day Diefenbaker went into estrus.
2. Turtle woke up gay. This is what came of listening to Ray read And Tango Makes Three to Frannie's kids. From perfectly normal turtle to incredibly gay turtle in the blink of an eye.
It was super frustrating. One day, it was all walk around the tank, eat a little bit of lettuce, nap inside his shell, eat a little more lettuce, bask in the heat lamp. Then the next day, it was all walk around the tank, eat a little bit of lettuce, nap inside his shell, eat a little more lettuce, bask in the heat lamp -- but do it gay. The last thing Turtle needed was to be attracted to other male turtles. It was bad enough being a heterosexual turtle in an aquarium: never getting laid, never even seeing a sweet piece of female turtle shell. But now that he was gay, he was just as sexually repressed as before, but perverted to boot.
What Turtle really needed to do was assert his masculinity. Unfortunately, he had absolutely no idea how a turtle asserted his masculinity. After all, he lived in a freaking tank. The only way he could assert his masculinity was by being straight. And if he couldn't be straight, couldn't he at least get some play? No. He could not, because he lived in a tank, without a girl turtle or a guy turtle anywhere in the vicinity.
So all in all, being gay really, really sucked.
3. The horse from the Musical Ride and the bear got trapped together in a Canadian shack. Really, the less said about this one the better.
4. Damn straight it was going to take being kidnapped by aliens to make Ante give Maggie the time of day. Poodles did not associate with huskies. Nor vice versa, Maggie insisted, later. The fact is, though, that Maggie was so warm, so soft, and so very very nurturing -- everything Ante wasn't. Ante was more of a thinker, a conniving bitch who made her own way in the world.
So, okay, it took the alien sex pollen to make them actually do the deed. But long after all that outer space whizmaroo had worn off, long after both litters of mixed-breed puppies (and how the hell did that happen?) had weaned and gone, Ante and Maggie were still closer than any self-respecting poodle or husky could have anticipated. They snuck out at night and foraged in dumpsters. They begged beef from the classy butchers and stole wrappers from the dumpster behind McDonald's. They teased Dief (who was male again, by now) and his litter (he really, really didn't want to talk about it). They slept curled up in a puppy pile and chased frisbees together in the park.
Ante would never have thought she wanted to invite someone into her life who wasn't slick and polished and hard-edged. She'd have said, before the aliens, that she had no room for frisbees and Big Mac wrappers. And she'd have been so, so wrong. Sometimes, curled up at night with Maggie, Ante thought that if the aliens ever came back, she'd do something really nice for them. But then Maggie would snuffle and lick her ear, or would run a little in her sleep as she chased down a dream squirrel, and Ante would stop thinking about aliens, and would close her eyes and go back to sleep. It was a good life.
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no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 04:58 am (UTC)But then Maggie would snuffle and lick her ear, or would run a little in her sleep as she chased down a dream squirrel, and Ante would stop thinking about aliens, and would close her eyes and go back to sleep.
This is fantastic! You are insane! ♥
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 02:39 pm (UTC)Thanks so much. And thanks for giving me the extension. I got the idea in the shower the morning after the challenge technically closed, and I really really wanted to write it. *hearts*
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 05:11 am (UTC)But most importantly, he had teats.
Hee!
Also, poor gay angsty turtle.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 03:28 pm (UTC)And thanks! *bounces*
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 05:18 am (UTC)You win at EVERYTHING. \o/
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 03:29 pm (UTC)Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 05:21 am (UTC)(Gay Turtle, oh honey! *pets*)
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 03:31 pm (UTC)\o/
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 05:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 03:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 05:25 am (UTC)slepped=slept?
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 03:34 pm (UTC)But after all, alien sex pollen is already crossing species lines with aliens to humans, so why would the aliens be picky about what our species get the alien sex pollen? I'm telling you, it's completely logical! Really! It makes perfect sense!
And thanks, fixed. Sometimes I have no idea what my dictation software's thinking.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 05:28 am (UTC)Too, too awesomely funny. You are a genius. Poor Turtle.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 03:37 pm (UTC)Thank you so much! \o/
(And yeah, poor Turtle. He needs a boyfriend.)
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 05:46 am (UTC)Poor Turtle.
(He reminds me of the virgin, nymphomaniac ex-nun in Amateur.)
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 04:39 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 05:53 am (UTC)I love it. &hearts
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 04:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 06:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 04:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 08:22 am (UTC)I love this. It's brilliant! *flails with glee*
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 04:42 pm (UTC)*dances with you* Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 07:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 07:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 12:17 pm (UTC)Dies.
Dies more.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 07:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 01:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 07:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 02:11 pm (UTC)This is wonderful. :D
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 07:49 pm (UTC)Thank you so much!
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 02:38 pm (UTC)My favourite was the alien sex pollen. This stuff is cliche because it's classic and, as you demonstrate, even works with dogs. Go you!
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 07:50 pm (UTC)Poor Turtle. Ray needs to buy him a friend. And yes, alien sex pollen ALWAYS works. That's what's so great about these clichés; you don't need a reason for them, because they've been constructed to work in all cases, even the improbable ones.
Thank you so much! What great feedback.
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 03:34 pm (UTC)it's not like Fraser was going to challenge his spot for alpha bitch. Not unless he woke up female, one day, too, and that was an utterly ludicrous thought.
Okay that is to die for.
And poor, suddenly-gay turtle! *feeds him a comforting bit of melon*
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 07:52 pm (UTC)*avoids terrible puns about sudden gayness and fruit*
Thanks!
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 04:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 07:53 pm (UTC)*dances*
*blushes*
*dances some more*
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 05:17 pm (UTC)*is in stitches*
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 07:54 pm (UTC)\o/
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Date: 2007-09-20 05:46 pm (UTC)*dies*
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Date: 2007-09-20 07:55 pm (UTC)*hearts you*
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Date: 2007-09-20 06:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 07:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 07:22 pm (UTC)DIEF GENDERSWAP \o/ !!!!
no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 07:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-20 08:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-02-07 05:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-09-21 01:59 pm (UTC)This is great!
no subject
Date: 2009-02-07 05:37 pm (UTC)