Genre challenge by china shop

[china_shop]

Ray/Ray, 950 words, PG-13
DS/BtVS crossover, crack
Many thanks to isiscolo and woolly_socks for beta!

Joking

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

"It's me."

"Me, who?"

"Vecchio, me. Your partner. Let me in."

"Who? What do you want?"

"What I usually want, Kowalski. Stop kidding around and let me the fuck in."


::


Q. Why did Kowalski cross the road?

A. Turns out he apprehended some perp called Rayne, professional troublemaker, and Rayne hit him with the hetero stick or something. I haven't managed to get a straight story out of either of them (which, you know, if I wasn't so pissed, I could maybe laugh about that), but from what I can gather, Kowalski woke up yesterday morning and all of a sudden he didn't swing my way anymore. Didn't swing the guy way, the gay way. He woke up straight.


::


Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

"Who the hell do you think it is, Einstein?"

"Give it up, Vecchio. I'm not buying."

"So you're just going to let this Rayne guy screw up your life? That's not like you, Kowalski."

"Maybe he didn't screw it up. Maybe he fixed it. Maybe I like it like this."

"Yeah? Fuck you, too."


::


Q. What do you get if you cross Kowalski with his ex-wife?

A. Sparks.

Man, if you'd asked me last week, I would have told you no way. No way in hell. Kowalski and me'd been a steady thing for going on six months now. We were solid, you know? Something I could count on. But this afternoon I look down the hallway at the station and he's got Stella -- our ex-wife, Stella -- backed up against the wall. He's leaning over her, sweet smile, low voice, and she's falling for it. He's sending all the right signals.

I'm losing everything.


::


Knock, knock.

"Get out of here, Vecchio."

"I need to talk to you."

"Not now. I've got company."

"What the fuck's going on? Ray?"

"Not tonight."


::


Q. What do you call a Mountie in the arctic circle of Canada?

A. "Benny? Shit, listen, I know it's the middle of the night. I'm sorry, I just-- it's Kowalski. There's something going on with him, and I-- Something's wrong, and it's not a natural kind of wrong, and I didn't know who else to call about it. Call me back, okay? Maybe you know a shaman or Eskimo witch or someone who might have some answers, or maybe-- I'm losing him, Benny. You've got to help me."


::


Doctor, doctor, my boyfriend's in love with his ex-wife.

Yeah, that's the punchline.

Ba-DOOM!


::


Knock, knock.

"Again? Listen, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry you're-- whatever. Hurt. I didn't mean that, but--"

"I'm not letting this go. This isn't right. You know it isn't, and Stella sure as hell knows you're not yourself."

"What the fuck do you know about it?"

"I know you."

"Not anymore."


::


Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

"Stella, it's me. Can we talk?"

"Ray? I don't think--"

"Listen, I know it's late, but you know it's not right. You know Kowalski's got his head on backwards. You of all people."

"I know."

"Aw, jeez. I'm sorry, Stell. It's not like I want to-- It's just, listen, there was this perp, Rayne. He cursed Kowalski and ever since, he's been--"

"He's been the man I always wanted him to be."

"..."

"He's-- You're right. He's not himself."

"Will you help me?"

"I-- I don't know. I need to think about it."


::


A cop and a Mountie walk into a bar. "We're looking for associates of a Mr. Ethan Rayne. You wouldn't by any chance happen to know--"

"Benny!" Ray interrupts, and flashes his badge. "Chicago PD. Any of you scum-suckers know a guy called Rayne?"

A grimy older man with bumps on his forehead that, in better light, might look like horns makes a dash for the back exit. He's cornered by a deaf half-wolf.

Ray drags the man (or whatever he is) outside into the alley. His hands tighten into fists, but he keeps himself reined in. "Okay, now you are going to explain to me what the fuck is going on with my partner."

The man shoots a nervous look at the wolf. "Th-th-the M-M-M-Mountie?"

"No, wiseass. My other partner."


::


Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

"Constable Benton Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, and--"

"Royal Canadian who?"

"Detective Raymond Vecchio, of the Your Worst Nightmare PD. Come on, Rayne. We know what you did and we're going to make you undo it."

"I see, and what would be in it for me, exactly?"

"You wouldn't get my fist through your face."

"Now, Ray, I'm not sure that's the most constructive--"

"He fucked with Kowalski's mind, Fraser! This isn't just about me. He dug his grubby fingers into-- I swear to God, asshole, if you don't make this right I'm going to break every one of your--"

"All right, all right. I'll fix it. There are just a few things I'll need."


::


Q. What did Kowalski say when Rayne lifted the curse?

A. "Oh. Oh, Jesus. Oh, fuck, Vecchio. Fuck. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'll-- Forgive me? I'll make it up to you. I will."

A. "Stell, I didn't-- You know that wasn't-- I love you, you know that, but-- I. Thanks, Stell."

A. "Fraser. Thanks, buddy. I-- God, it's good to see you. I'm glad you came. Thanks. Yeah, yeah, we're good. We'll be okay."


::


Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

"It's me."

"Me who?"

"Don't even joke about it, Kowalski."

"No, I know. Get your ass in here. I've got something for you."


::


Q. How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Two. Both by the name of Ray. (Forget about the lightbulb, okay?)



END

Comments

[mrs-laugh-track.livejournal.com]

ETHAN RAYNE!!! Ohmygod, I am seriously in love with this. Every single piece of it. I think my favorite bit is the three answers to "What did Kowalski say when Rayne lifted the curse?" But choosing a favorite bit is difficult because if you haven't noticed yet I really like this a lot.

And of course,

(Forget about the lightbulb, okay?)

♥!

[china_shop]

\o/ Yay, thank you!!! Deranged crackiness FTW!

[brynnmck.livejournal.com]

Awwww! This is adorable. And also, even in this pared-down format, the emotion comes through loud and clear--Vecchio's panic, Kowalski's confusion, even Stella's hesitation. And I love Vecchio threatening Ethan not just because it's messed with Vecchio's life, but because Ethan fucked with someone Vecchio loves. ♥ And mmm, the end is that perfect blend of sexy/funny/sweet.

P.S. 1: Yay, you got unstuck!

P.S. 2: It is the fault of your Pictionary clues that I was expecting Vecchio to get a sex change. Hee.

[china_shop]

P.S. 2: It is the fault of your Pictionary clues that I was expecting Vecchio to get a sex change. Hee.

Hee! Don't think I wasn't tempted. I just can't see it, though. *g*

Yay, thank you! *beams at you like a crazy person*

I love Vecchio threatening Ethan not just because it's messed with Vecchio's life, but because Ethan fucked with someone Vecchio loves. ♥

Absolutely. It's like Glory (and Willow) violating Tara's mind, you know?

[kuwdora.livejournal.com]

AAaahEeeeeeee heeeeeeeeeeeeee!

[china_shop]

*beams*

[azureavian.livejournal.com]

HAHA hehehehehe love it

[china_shop]

*g* Thanks!

[lamentables.livejournal.com]

I still love your brain.

And I particularly like the 3 answers to what Kowalski said when the curse was lifted.

[china_shop]

*beam* Thanks, you! :-D

[woolly-socks.livejournal.com]

Love it, love it, love it!!! Thank you for asking me to insta-beta!

[china_shop]

Thank you for doing it, despite the migraine! *hearts*

*twirls you gently*

[snoopypez.livejournal.com]

OH MAN. The love I have for this story kinda makes my heart swell and stuff. hskjflkd!!! I was getting WORRIED there!! And oh, I love the writing style so much and it's just lovely and the parts with Fraser added were just adorable and and and.. yeah.

THE ENDING. HOLY CRAP PERFECTION.

Just. Yeah.

[china_shop]

I was getting WORRIED there!!

Eeeee, cool! \o/ Thank you so much! *beam*

[meresy.livejournal.com]

Love. LOVE.

This is the best evar!

\o/ \o/ \o/

Never quit the crack. You are doing great things here.

[china_shop]

YAYAYE! Thanks, you!!! The crack and me? We and like this: *crosses fingers* ;-)

*beams*

[rosiespark.livejournal.com]

Eeeeeee! This is lovely and the format is inspired, and I'm all happy and flaily and IT'S YOUR FAULT AGAIN! *g*

The details are perfection. Like this:
he's got Stella -- our ex-wife, Stella -- backed up against the wall. He's leaning over her, sweet smile, low voice, and she's falling for it.

Our ex-wife - hee. And the mental picture it gives me? ::flails some more:: RayK's smile is a secret weapon that could bring down continents.

[china_shop]

*wins* And, nnnrrrrgh, yes! RayK's smile... *uses icon of utter yum*

*beams at you* So glad it worked for you. \o/

[luzula]

Okay. I, um, haven't watched Buffy, so I think there are jokes I didn't get. But the idea of Ray waking up straight is pretty damn funny in itself. And I love this:

"He's been the man I always wanted him to be--"

"..."

"He's-- You're right. He's not himself."

[china_shop]

The only Buffy bit is Ethan Rayne, who's a cowardly, mischief-making warlock.

So glad it worked for you anyway. Thanks! *beam*

[catwalksalone]

I woke up and this story was there. It's like a little Sunday miracle, if I believed in that kind of thing.

I'm amazed how much you managed to pack into this considering the limitations of the format. Lovely, lovely crack with a perfect ending.
Many hearts for you.

[china_shop]

*beeeam* So glad you liked it! YAY! Thanks. :-D

[sage]

Yayayayayayayayayayayayay!!! This is awesome! \o/

A cop and a Mountie walk into a bar. "We're looking for associates of a Mr. Ethan Rayne.

-- had me laughing so hard. Of course they do! Of course they are! And of course Fraser comes down to Chicago to get his two ex-bf's back together! ♥

Love your Vecchio voice, as always. And that Ethan's such a pushover when it comes to reversing it. *g*


this also makes me think on a more meta level how it's SO HARD to write good villains in DS. The 'verse just isn't set up for bad guys who aren't cartoons or femme fatales, or else are fairly incidental people you don't think twice about (the guy who killed Guy Rankin? I STILL don't know why he did it). Maybe I'll do a discussion post on this in ds_workshop because I fail at villains and want to know how to write them.

[akite.livejournal.com]

Oooo! That would make a great discussion post. My best villain to date was a guy that counterfeited Canadian Tire coupons.

[akite.livejournal.com]

Hee! That's a hoot, and I don't even know the Ethan Rayne character. I think the RayV and Stella conversation was my favorite.

"He's-- You're right. He's not himself."

[china_shop]

*beams* Thanks, you! :-D

[take-no-ko.livejournal.com]

Ha! Awesome! It really works well, all the jokes and the format and everything... and especially the ending. Perfect.

[china_shop]

Thanks so much! :-D

[andraste]

This is deranged and brilliant! And I am bemused that Ethan Rayne, of all people, has access to the Straight Stick *g*.

[china_shop]

And I am bemused that Ethan Rayne, of all people, has access to the Straight Stick *g*.

HEEE! That's a very good point. *snickers* Maybe someone tried to use it on him, and he stole it? *g*

So glad it worked for you! Thanks!!! :-D

[sdwolfpup.livejournal.com]

China, this was fabulous! Extremely clever and yet not losing any of the tension and emotion of the story due to the format.

[china_shop]

*beam* Thanks so much, you! :-D

[spuffyduds.livejournal.com]

God, this is seriously BRILLIANT. The joke format plays so well against Vecchio's increasing desperation, and the ending is PERFECT.

And my favorite, favorite part? That Ethan tries to get Fraser to say "Mounted" again.

[china_shop]

And my favorite, favorite part? That Ethan tries to get Fraser to say "Mounted" again.

Heeeee! You know, that was entirely accidental, and now it's my favourite part, too. *ggg* So very glad it worked for you. *beam* Thanks!

[dragonflymuse.livejournal.com]

Hee! X-over love! Funny and lovely and plain YAY!

[china_shop]

Thanks! *beam*

[keerawa.livejournal.com]

I am sort of standing in awe here, because you managed to write ANGST as a series of jokes. Knock-knock jokes, where Kowalski won't let Vecchio in the door. Wow.

Doctor, doctor, my boyfriend's in love with his ex-wife.
Yeah, that's the punchline.
Ba-DOOM!
Ow. Vecchio's whole mind-set here, that their relationship isn't viewed as legitimate in the same way. And the way that this COULD maybe be a relief to Kowalski, it's so much easier.

"Aw, jeez. I'm sorry, Stell. It's not like I want to-- It's just, listen, there was this perp, Rayne. He cursed Kowalski and ever since, he's been--"
"He's been the man I always wanted him to be--"
Oof.

Really excellent, and I'm glad you got them back together in the end.

[china_shop]

you managed to write ANGST as a series of jokes

Hee! I know. I was pretty confused by that too. *g* I'm so very glad it worked for you. Thanks!!! :-D

[tanisafan.livejournal.com]

I have so much love for this. Seriously, so much. Plus, the whole format is only made cooler by the addition of Ethan Rayne. Very much of the awesome *nods*, cookies for you.

[china_shop]

Yay COOKIES! Thank you! :-D

[troyswann.livejournal.com]

hee! Verrreh clever, lady!

I have no idea who Ethan Rayne is, but he seems like the nasty human (?) equivalent of this website I saw one time that promised to cure gayness over night. I hope Vecchio did a tap-dance on his head with the shiny Italian shoes. And that Fraser very politely popped him in the nose.

And the knock-knock is geeeeeeeenius!

I need a Ray-Ray icon!

[china_shop]

Ha! Actually Ethan's fairly camp. He's a trouble-making warlock from the Buffyverse, who enjoys getting people into trouble, but is entirely cowardly and readily reverses his spells under threat and intimidation. :-)

You do need a Ray/Ray icon! Yes! There are some lovely ones around. And moon_brain is working on a set...

Glad it worked for you. Thanks! *beams*

[sprat.livejournal.com]

Oh, you WIN. I wouldn't have thought you could make anything awesome with knock knock jokes (I've looked after many small children, all of whom went through the 4- or 5-year-old knock-knock-joke obsession *g*). But I loved this!

[china_shop]

\o/ Thanks! :-D

[slidellra.livejournal.com]

HEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's fantastic. I love the balance of funny and glib and really very painful (Oh, Stella).

[china_shop]

Thanks so much! :-D

[mlyn.livejournal.com]

Geez! How do you pull this off? LOVE the format, love the crossover, love love love the BOYS. Thank you!

[china_shop]

Yay! Thanks so much! :-D

[lorem_ipsum]

:DDD

[china_shop]

*beam*