Amnesty 2007, ' Not Afraid to Dream' by Aingeal

[aingeal8c.livejournal.com]

Title: Not Afraid to Dream
Author: Aingeal
Pairing: Fraser/Vecchio (unrequited)
Rating: PG
Word Count: 591
Summary: Ray used to dream a lot.
Notes: For the Dreams Challenge. Set post-Heaven and Earth.

Not Afraid to Dream

I used to dream a lot when I was a kid. I used to dream of a Christmas when Pop wouldn’t get drunk, when he’d be home on time without his breath smelling of stale beer. Yeah that was a dream, not finding him in the gutter and having to drag his home. For years I thought he’d start being a decent father. I even set up the tent and the wood in the backyard so he could teach me about camping. That dream died when the rain started to fall and I got wet, Ma’s best sheets got soaked, and Pop never came. I didn’t stop hoping though.

I had other dreams; you know the kind kids are actually supposed to have. I used to dream about fast cars and being a hero. I guess all kids have them. You know dreaming of saving the day, shooting the bad guys. I figured that would make Ma proud of me. Maybe it might even make Pop proud of me. So I still dreamed.

I know when I started to try and stop dreaming, when dreams of being a hero died. It was on the basketball court. I was just standing there as Marco’s face turned to mush, blood all over the concrete, his blood. I didn’t do anything, didn’t say anything. I was too scared. Marco was in pain and I couldn’t be the hero. I had to stop dreaming that dream then. Real life wasn’t about dreams of heroes. Real life was about blood, and pain, and fear.

I became a cop because, even though I tried to stop that dream, part of me couldn’t let it go. I still wanted to be the hero, still wanted to make a difference. Didn’t take long for that part to face reality. I saw women beaten up by their husbands, girls raped by drunken men and all I could think about was my father. What I saw made me realise how dumb that hero dream I had as a kid was.

I don’t know if that’s why me and Angie never worked out. We married because I had a dream of a happy marriage but you can’t keep a marriage going on just dreams, you need something more. I didn’t have the more. I bought the Riv, my dream car since I was a kid but that wasn’t her dream. Her dream was a husband who wouldn’t spend all our savings on a car. That wasn’t me. Not then.

After that I tried to stop dreaming again. I had stopped dreaming I was hero, that I could change the world. I knew I couldn’t. Real Life didn’t work like that. I tried not to dream about love either. Dreaming too much had helped end my marriage. So I didn’t show my dreams to anyone. I still don’t. I keep them locked right down. Francesca thinks I’m afraid to dream. Maybe I am but I’ve seen what dreams can do.

Dreams hurt people you know. I’ve seen that. I’ve seen people I love get hurt because of dreams. I’ve been hurt because of dreams. But sometimes…sometimes I look at Fraser and I’m a kid again, dreams are okay to have, and I allow myself to dream, just a little bit. With him I’m a hero, and I’m in love. Even if the dreams I have about him, and him and me, never come true, what I have is enough, because I’m not afraid to dream those dreams. Francesca was wrong. I’m still dreaming.

Comments

[aingeal8c.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm glad Ray's voice came across.