Bad Sex Challenge by abbybanks
Dec. 7th, 2008 09:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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ds_flashfictionFandom: Due South
Pairing: Fraser/RayK
Rating: R
Length: ~650
Summary: Uh, bad sex?
“I can’t tell you how sorry I am, Ray.”
“Huh.”
“Though I’ve now spent well over two hours trying to.”
“Huh.”
“I really didn’t know they were there; I didn’t see them until it was too late.”
“Huh.”
“And after all, I was somewhat... preoccupied.”
“I had to let you drive the Goat, Fraser!”
“I was very careful.”
“Yeah, careful like my grandma is careful. I could nearly hear the engine crying."
“I couldn’t hear anything but you complaining.”
“What was that?”
“Nothing. I know, I’m sorry. Again. Let me take your door keys, which pocket are they...?”
“Ow! Fucking ow! Back off. Back. Off. Or I will kick you in the head like Van Damme on crack, okay?”
“Well, there’s no need to be like that about it.”
“Do not start. Not now. Look... ow ow ow! ... Here are the keys.”
“Thank you kindly. I thought you were going to throw away all these spare... well, never mind that now. Here you are, home at last.”
“Thank fuck for that.”
“Language. I’ll get the shower running while you sit... that is, while you wait out here.”
“Humf.”
“The hives should be going down, now. And at least you didn’t have a full anaphylactic reaction, the cool water and some calamine lotion should soothe it considerably. Especially on your, that is, the worst affected areas.”
“Halle-fucking-lujah.”
“Pardon?”
“Nothing. Can I get in the shower now?”
“Yes, here, let me help you get undressed. No, don’t try to use your hands!”
“Fuckfuckfuckfuck!”
“Sorry!”
“Fuck! Fuck! Fucknuckles!”
“I said I was sorry. Perhaps I should just go.”
“Do not try that passive aggressive bullshit on me, Fraser. Ow.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You will be.”
“Well, there’s no call for threats. I’ll put it down to the discomfort, this time.”
“Discomfort!”
“Just step out of your jeans. Oh. Actually, that does look... are you sure you don’t want to see your doctor?”
“Ahh. That water feels good. Look, I’ve had the same doctor since I was twelve. I’m not going to go see the woman my mom still talks to, and tell her how I got this. Ow! Get that water on... ahh, yeah, that’s it.”
“Turn round a little. Perhaps you should try to moderate your body language until the swelling has abated.”
“Swelling. Heh. I abated your swelling but good.”
“Mmm, you certainly did. It’s unfortunate that I didn’t have the opportunity to reciprocate. And that your hands and legs suffered for it. And your, ah, posterior.”
“Pos-what?”
“You know perfectly well what.”
“It’s an ass, Fraser.”
“Rear.”
“Ass”
“Derrière.”
“Ass.”
“Buttocks?”
“You’re an ass, Fraser.”
“You’re right. Next time we spend Sunday hiking in the woods, I’ll try to be a bit less spontaneous.”
“Nuh-huh. You got great spontaneousness. Hey, lookit.”
“Ray!”
“Heh heh heh.”
“I’ll try to identify a more opportune location for us to... mmm... indulge my baser instincts, then.”
“I like your baser instincts. So does my ass. Even... uh! Covered in hives.”
“Mmm... I like your ass, too. Even covered in hives.”
“Wow. You said a bad word, Benton Fras... Ooof!”
“Mmm?”
“Oh! Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh! Fuck!”
“Mmm!”
“Ben!”
“Mmm... mmf? Ow!”
“Oh, fuck, yeah... Uh, Frase? What...?”
“It’s nothing, Ray. If I could just get some water and rinse this...”
“What the fuck? Oh! Shit, I’m sorry, buddy.”
“It really wasn’t your fault. Ouch.”
“How’d it all end up there?”
“I didn’t expect you to move at the critical moment, that’s all.”
“Hey, I’m only human. Ouch?”
“What? What happened?”
“Nothing, I meant, ‘Ouch’? Like in, who the fuck actually says, ‘ouch’? Okay, where’s the towel... Ouch!”
“Let me dry you, I can assure you I’ve suffered no lasting damage.”
“Here, then.”
“Thank you kindly... Ray?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry about the stings.”
“And I’m sorry about your eye. Hey, I’ve got an idea.”
“Oh?”
“Next time you’re horny, just tell me, and we’ll go find a nice, safe, bedroom, okay?”
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no subject
Date: 2008-12-07 10:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-10 08:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-07 10:15 pm (UTC)Hee.
Oh, boys.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-10 08:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-10 08:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-07 10:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-10 08:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-08 12:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-10 08:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-08 01:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-10 08:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-08 02:16 am (UTC)Now that's baaaad sex. Reminds me of the time . . . um, never mind.
*chortle*
no subject
Date: 2008-12-10 08:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-08 03:41 am (UTC)and what great ray-voice! <3
no subject
Date: 2008-12-10 08:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-08 12:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-10 08:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-08 01:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-10 09:05 pm (UTC)Can't take credit for sweary words, unfortunately - saw someone say it on stage recently, and thought 'Ray!' - took me riiiight out of the moment, I can tell you.
Thanks for reading!:)
no subject
Date: 2008-12-08 06:35 pm (UTC)“Pos-what?”
“You know perfectly well what.”
“It’s an ass, Fraser.”
“Rear.”
“Ass”
“Derrière.”
“Ass.”
“Buttocks?”
“You’re an ass, Fraser.”
It's early here. I should NOT be laughing this loudly.
This was great. I love all-dialogue pieces, and this was particularly fun, with the wincing and bickering and accidental pay-back.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-10 09:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-30 09:07 pm (UTC)I adore this kind of fiction. I just recently managed to re-download all the seasons of Due South, and my love has been rekindled. Now I'm hunting down any fanfic I can. -dreamy smile- I've missed it. <3
Anyway, love the fic!