2nd Badfic Challenge, by maryavatar

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

Title: The Haunting of Ray's Ass – an Epic Tale of Love, Death and Buttocks
Prompt: So, Vecchio is a ghost (because he got killed by the Mob in Los Vegas) and he comes back to Chicago to kill Frasier so thety can live together in Heaven, but in a bazaar twist of Fate, an Angel finds out his plan and dooms him to haunt Kowlaski's ass!!1!! The Gay Cult tells Kowlaski that the only way to exorcise Vecchio is to have sex with a virgin. Oh noes! Luckily Fraser steps up to bat. (He didn't have sex with Victoria the Deif-Shooter because he was so burdend by his guilt about imprisioning her that he couldn't get it up.) Ends OT3. \o/!!!!!1!11!@!1 Warnings for major character death and ghosts.
Prompt written by: china_shop
Rating/warnings/etc: NC17. I have no idea what to warn for here. This has not been beta'd for AUTHENTICITY, not because I'm a lazy bitch.

The Haunting of Ray's Ass – an Epic Tale of Love, Death and Buttocks

"Well, shit," Ray Vecchio said, as he watching his brains slide down the parking garage wall.

"INDEED," said a tall pasty guy in a hooded tracksuit, carrying a lawnmower.

Dead!Ray blinked and tried to think of something to say. He failed.

The guy, Death, rolled his eyes. "I UPDATED A FEW THINGS. DO YOU THINK IT WORKS?"

Dead!Ray pointed at the wall, "My brain is over there. And there."

"FINE," Death said. "NO ONE EVER GIVES ME AN HONEST ANSWER, IT'S ALWAYS 'OMG, I TOTALLY JUST DIED, OMG OMG! SHIRLEY, YOU BITCH, YOU KNEW I WAS ALLERGIC TO SHELLFISH!'"

"Uh huh," Dead!Ray said.

Death made a face, "ANYWAY, TO BUSINESS. YOU GET THREE OPTIONS: 1. HEAVEN. APPARENTLY YOU WERE NICE TO CHILDREN AND SMALL ANIMALS, AND ACCORDING TO CURRENT GUIDELINES THAT OUTWEIGHS ALL THE FORNICATING AND SWEARING. 2. REINCARNATION. ALTHOUGH WHY ON EARTH YOU'D WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN ESCAPES ME. AND 3. YOU CAN HANG AROUND HERE UNTIL YOUR BELOVED DIES/YOU'RE AVENGED/ETC AND YOU MOVE ON TOGETHER.

"I'm not ready to go yet, I have to ch..."

"NUMBER THREE IT IS THEN," Death said, and vanished.

"Well, shit," Dead!Ray said, and wandered off in search of a cab.

~

Fraser blinked up at the sky. "Ray, what happened?"

Ray picked himself up, "A piano almost fell on your head."

"That seems… improbable," Fraser said.

"Tell me about it," Ray replied, dusting off his jeans. "That's the fourth time this week I've shoved you out of the way of something trying to kill you." Ray squinted at Fraser suspiciously. "Have you pissed off any religions recently? Because this feels a lot like smiting."

~

Dead!Ray was using all his ectoplasmic muscles to spill rat poison over the herbal tea bags in the break room when he heard someone shout.

"Oi! Dead-boy! What the fuck are you doing?"

Dead!Ray turned around and a tall bald man who seemed to be held together by tattoo ink loomed over him. "You can see me?"

"I'm an angel, I see everything."

Dead!Ray looked the guy up and down. "Uh huh."

"Yeah yeah yeah, you bought into the church's PR thing. Don't be fooled; angels are the Lord's ass-kickers. Now what were you doing with poison and herbal tea bags?"

"Look, you guys really need to have a word with Death, he screwed up my afterlife. I just needed to check up on my family, and then I was good to go. But no… now I'm stuck here. I can't touch anything, I can't talk to anyone, I can't eat, fuck, change my clothes, nothing. I'm going insane. The deal was I get avenged or I wait for my beloved to die? Avenged – easy, the guy who shot me was arrested and got shanked in lock-up. Done deal. Now I have to wait for my beloved to die? I don't have a beloved – my ex-wife is more of a 'tolerated' than a beloved, and the closest I got to a beloved is already dead, so the next best thing is Benny, and I'm really bored waiting. The sooner he dies, the sooner I can go to Heaven."

"You know if you were still alive, this would disqualify you from Heaven." The Angel said.

"Well, I've already been judged, so fuck you. I can do what I want."

The Angel's eyes narrowed. "Actually, no you can't."

There was a bright flash and everything burned for a moment. "Well, shit." Dead!Ray said as everything faded away.

~

Ray woke up slowly, the blissful feeling of a Saturday off washing over him. He reached down to give his morning wood a friendly hello and…

"Oh, Hell no!" Dead!Ray yelled.

Ray fell out of bed. "What the…" There was a moment's silence while Ray went pale and his hard on deflated. "Vecchio? Aren't you dead?"

"Yes, dead and now cursed. To haunt your ass. Which I thought was a figure of speech, but apparently not – I can't move more than three feet away from your asshole. And, apparently, you're the only thing I can touch."

Ray scrambled away from the bed, causing Dead!Ray to stumble through it.

"Hey, quit it!" Dead Ray said, and flicked Ray's ear.

"Ow!" Ray reached over to grab the jeans he'd dropped on the floor the night before. "Oh, we so need to talk to Fraser about this."

~

Despite Dead!Ray only being visible to Ray, Fraser was not hard to convince.

~

"These are not enlightened religious… people," Ray hissed, "This is a Cult! Of really fruity froot loops."

"Nonsense, Ray," Fraser replied. "These gentlemen are simply very devout, studious and… erm… secure in their masculinity."

Dead!Ray kept his eyes shut. One of the acolytes was rubbing unguent into himself and staring at Fraser in a really disturbing way.

The High Priest of the Reddened Starfish (also known as Wade Hornblatt) emerged from the holy smoke. "Ray, dude. Haunted ass – you need to make a sacrifice."

Ray waved away a cloud of something he was trying really hard not to recognise. "I'm not killing anyone."

"No, man, no… no killing. It's sybollock… symbolic. Virgin sacrifice, the Little Death. Get it?" Priest Wade fell over onto the acolyte and started snuggling.

~

Ray paced across his living room floor, ignoring Dead!Ray's protests and ear flicks. "Bone a virgin. Great. Except where the Hell am I going to find a virgin? I don't know any virgins over 14."

Fraser winced. "Ah, I may be able to help you there."

"You know a virgin?" Ray asked.

"Actually…" Fraser went bright red, "… I am a virgin."

Dead!Ray stopped following Ray's ass and got yanked off his feet. "No way – I know he had that poisonous bitch Victoria."

Ray looked down. "Victoria?" Fraser's blush got brighter. Ray nodded understandingly. "Scary girl parts?"

Fraser shrugged. "Well, some guilt too. Erectile dysfunction can have many causes."

Ray twitched. "Don't say stuff like that. Making sex sound all medical does not get me in the mood. Now drop your pants while I get the Vaseline, we've got a ghost to exorcise!"

Dead!Ray starting kicking Ray. Mostly because he felt like kicking the crap out of someone, although he blamed it on Ray's crude deflowering technique.

~

"Ack!" Ray said, sliding in a bit.

"Oh!" Fraser said, flexing his buttocks.

"Oh dear God, no." Dead!Ray moaned, making the sign of the cross and wondering if ghosts could vomit.

Then Ray came, Fraser didn't, and they had to start again.

~

Finally! Two hours later, Ray successfully nailed Fraser.

Dead!Ray was still there.

"Well, shit," Ray said.

"Yeah," Dead!Ray said.

"I have an idea," Fraser said. "I've never penetrated anyone. I'm still a virgin at the front."

Ray hid his face in his hands. "I'm going to need some vodka. And some Viagra. And more Vaseline."

~

Dead!Ray was slightly less disturbed by Fraser pumping into Ray. Even though the three feet between himself and Ray's asshole make it a little snug. Ray's constant moans of 'OMG, Fraser, you're huge, don't shove it in so hard' and 'Harder! Harder, dammit!' and 'Nnnnargh! Prostate gland! Right there' were actually kind of hot.

Right about that point, Dead!Ray realised that he could pass right through Fraser, and slide his ghostly cock into Ray's stretched open asshole, and Ray probably wouldn't even notice.

He didn't though, because that would be naughty.

He thought about it kind of a lot though. Until Ray and Fraser finished. Which was a while, because they'd already come twice during the Ray-on-top part of the day, and they weren't exactly young any more. Thank God for Viagra.

~

"Dead!Ray still here?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Got any virginities left?"

"My mouth?"

"Pass the Viagra."

~

At some point over the next week, they realised the High Priest was a moron. But they kept fucking, just in case.

Comments

[mizface.livejournal.com]

Oh. My. God. That was scary with a side of brilliant. Favorite bits:

No beta for authenticity!
Death bitching (in ALCAPS!)
How RayV earned a trip to heaven
Angels as ass-kickers

"Have you pissed off any religions recently? Because this feels a lot like smiting." I clapped at this - smiting!

"Well, I've already been judged, so fuck you. I can do what I want."

Despite Dead!Ray only being visible to Ray, Fraser was not hard to convince. Yay for skipping over a section!

<>Ray looked down. "Victoria?" Fraser's blush got brighter. Ray nodded understandingly. "Scary girl parts?"
Fraser shrugged. "Well, some guilt too. Erectile dysfunction can have many causes." *giggles*

Ray's Ack!
Fraser being a "virgin at the front"

Ray hid his face in his hands. "I'm going to need some vodka. And some Viagra. And more Vaseline." Alliteration!

"Got any virginities left?" Now that isn't a question you hear every day!

*applause*

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

Yay! Thank you! And a headslap moment - the alliteration was an accident, I didn't notice until you pointed it out *g*

[mergatrude.livejournal.com]

I'm still a virgin at the front.

And the last line!

HEEEEEEEEE!

Oh, this is awesome! *salutes you*

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[petronelle.livejournal.com]

Bweeeee! That's horrific!

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

Score!

I thought about doing ectoplasmic double penetration, but I wimped out.

Maybe for the OMG!SEQUEL?

[petronelle.livejournal.com]

OMGEEEK and also EEK and a little YAY!

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

No! No sequel! Joking!

Although... it is an intriguing thought. Ray can feel Dead!Ray, but Fraser can't. Dead!Ray can slide right through Fraser, but not through Ray. I can hear Ray in my head saying, "Would you guys at least try to bang in synch?"

[petronelle.livejournal.com]

*hoots* Poor RayK. Fraser would start conducting if necessary.

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

Thank you, now I have HORRIBLE MENTAL TRAUMA.

[petronelle.livejournal.com]

You wrote the story. I just extrapolated.

RayV wouldn't pay attention to the conducting anyway. "I'm more of an improv jazz guy, anyway."

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

*dies*

Yes, because that makes it better. Fraser is all military precision: 1 - 2 - prostate gland - 1 - 2 while Dead!Ray is all baada ba boom wah ah *shimmy*

Poor Ray.

[petronelle.livejournal.com]

I laughed so hard at this that my SO said I was hurting his ears clear across the house. And then there was the part where I tried to count it out and ended up weeping with giggles.

I'm reaching for a hemiola/hemorrhoid pun and failing here, but that's okay: this image will stick with me far past the point where I want it to.

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

Me too. I have to get up for work in five and a half hours, and I doubt very much I'll have the peaceful slumber I need.

[bluebrocade.livejournal.com]

"Well, I've already been judged, so fuck you. I can do what I want."

Haha!

I can't move more than three feet away from your asshole.

Oh my god. ROTFLMAOx10!

Finally! Two hours later, Ray successfully nailed Fraser.

Hahahahaha.

I'm still a virgin at the front.

Oh god--that's where I totally LOST IT.

Dead!Ray was slightly less disturbed by Fraser pumping into Ray. Even though the three feet between himself and Ray's asshole make it a little snug.

You're killing me!

OMG, that was hilarious. Excellent badfic!

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

Yay! Thank you. Crackfic/badfic seems to be all I can write these days.

[brigantine.livejournal.com]

OMG, that is amazingly, wonderfully horrible!

Smiting! Heeeee!!

And the ass-kicking angel!

Ray waved away a cloud of something he was trying really hard not to recognise.

I hit critical mass right about here - it's hot tonight, everybody's got their doors open, so I had to keep covering my mouth so as not to disturb the neighbors. You troublemaker, you! \o/!

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

It's fun to be bad *g*

[china_shop]

"I have an idea," Fraser said. "I've never penetrated anyone. I'm still a virgin at the front."

*dies in a pile of giggles*

This is more awesomely wonderful than any prompt deserves, let alone mine. You totally win! *hands you the internets*

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

Thank you :) It's always a relief when the person you wrote for shows up. Once, I wrote something for a ficathon and the recipient remained ominously silent. I'm a needy cow, but OMG - thank you for not hating it!

*tucks internets into cleavage*

[china_shop]

More than not hating it -- it's pure genius! Really! I could have quoted half of it back at you (and, in fact, accidentally quoted some of it at someone else, heh).

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

OMG, that is completely awesome! Bwah ha ha ha!

[luzula]

I'm still a virgin at the front

*breaks down giggling* I know everyone already quoted this bit, but I can't help it. Awesome.

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

Heh, thank you :)

[akite.livejournal.com]

This was truly and awesomely bad, but then it could have been much, much worse. At least Dead!Ray could get three feet away. I liked Death in a hoodie with a lawnmower too.

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

thank you, I aim to please :)

[moosesal.livejournal.com]

Wow. That was ... wow.

Death in a track suit. With a lawnmower. Talking in all caps? Brilliant.

And I loved the angel and his attitude.

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

I was going to include the angel's 'flaming sword', but I couldn't get the double entendres right.

[moosesal.livejournal.com]

It's probably for the best because this was so much more subtle. And subtlety is such an art. ;-)

BTW - your icon is brilliant.

Subtle is not something normally associated with me

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

Everyone loves the cockbread ;)

[norabombay.livejournal.com]

Oh, so gloriously awful!

I love this line: "Have you pissed off any religions recently? Because this feels a lot like smiting."

It is as if it came from a far less badfic fic.

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

Heh :)

Religion has some great words: smite, fornicate, wrath, idolatry, etc.

[msbeata.livejournal.com]

I love it when you do that thing that you do so well!

::passes the cold medicine::

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

*takes a bow*

Thank you :)







*and the cold medicine...

[wihluta.livejournal.com]

a tall pasty guy in a hooded tracksuit, carrying a lawnmower.
I loveLOVE that Death is up to date with fashion and the latest inventions. LOL

Also, OUCH! to the rest. This is as bad as badfic could ever get. Brilliant!

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

Bwah-hah-hah! This is awesome. Loved the nod to Discworld and the "feels a lot like smiting" line.

[maryavatar.livejournal.com]

Yay! Discworld Death is best Death ever.