Telephone Challenge

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

(Yes, I've gone 50% overboard in the word count. Sue me.)

I would just like it to be known that I'm holding the_star_fish entirely to blame for this. She shot down my original idea (I think her exact words were: "Have you been drinking?") and left me in a state of complete writers block, until a fit of madness this afternoon forced me to kinda-sorta cannibalize the lovely "Parental Guidance" for spare parts. Huge apologies to Alanna and Kass for semi-blatant theft. No apologies to Starfish. *g*

~~*~~*~~

(Chicago. Post CotW.)

Preternatural Guidance
by Beth H
(c) June 2003

"Aren't you taking your cell phone, Ray?"

"Nah. It's dead."

"Surely it can be repaired."

"Fraser, when I say dead, I mean really dead. As dead as a doorman."

He deliberated briefly whether he should ask if Ray might have been thinking of the more common Dickensian phrase "dead as a door nail" or whether he'd meant to say the less common, yet apparently equally acceptable "dead as a door knob," but before he could decide between them, he saw Ray grinning at him.

He shook his head and sighed. "You say these things on purpose, don't you?"

Ray laughed. "Don't know what you mean, buddy. Listen, I'm going to get the car. Why don't you go rescue the wolf from the clutches of Aisha and Naomi down in Dispatch, and meet me out front."

"Certainly." He looked back at the phone. "I'll take this with me, if you don't mind. Perhaps some charitable organization might appreciate receiving it as a gift."

"A dead cell phone? I don't think anyone takes . . . never mind. Yeah, sure . . . bring it along. Meet you out front in five, okay?"

Fraser watched as Ray left the squad room, then picked up the phone, but before he could put it in his jacket pocket, it rang. He looked down at the phone in confusion, but automatically opened the connection.

"Good afternoon. You've reached Detective Ray Kowalski's cellular telephone. Constable Benton Fraser speaking. How may I help you?"

"Ben? Is that you?"

The sound of the woman's voice tugged at his memory.

"Oh, my darling. I've missed you so much."

Fraser swallowed hard and closed his eyes.

"Mum?"

~~*~~*~~

Ray didn't know what was up with Fraser, but whatever it was, it had him distracted enough to trip over a coiled rope and fall into a vat of fish heads during an investigation down at the pier. The weirdest thing – apart from the fact that this was probably the first time Fraser had ever tripped over anything in his life – was that he didn't even seem to notice he was stinking worse than Dewey on a bad day. Ray practically had to drag him back to the apartment by his lanyard and throw him into the shower.

Ray sighed. At least Fraser wasn't hiding out tonight. Every evening for the past week, Fraser'd headed back to the Consulate as soon as they'd finished whatever case-related stuff Ray had going. Six nights in a row, Ray'd asked if Fraser wanted to come over to his place or maybe catch a movie, but each time, Fraser refused - politely, of course - saying that he was expecting a phone call.

As if on cue – and just barely audible over the sound of Fraser singing a sea shanty in the shower – he could hear the phone ring. Ray frowned. His new cell was programmed to play the opening notes of "London Calling" when it rang. And Fraser didn't have a cell phone, not unless . . . . he picked Fraser's jacket up off the back of the couch. Yep, that was his old phone in the pocket. Ringing.

"Yeah?"

"Detective Kowalski, is it? I was hoping I'd be able to speak with you."

The guy's voice sounded familiar, like somebody he'd met up in Canada.

"That's right. I'm Ray Kowalski. Who's this?"

"Bob. I'm Benton's . . . what, Caroline? Yes, it's his friend. Yes, I'm asking him!"

"Uh . . . Bob? You sure you don't want to speak with Fraser?"

"Oh no, you're the one I wanted to speak with. We . . .well, that is to say, Caroline was wondering whether you like caribou stew."

"Whether I like . . . uh . . . it tasted pretty good the last time I was freezing out on an ice field. You sure you don't want me to get Fr . . . Benton for you?"

"Not necessary. He's always liked caribou stew, even when he was a little boy."

"Yeah, well . . . okay, then. Is that it?"

"Yes, thanks. You know," he whispered conspiratorially, "I told his mother she didn't have to make a fuss, but you know women. Always worried about getting these kinds of occasions just right. Goodnight, Detective."

"Call me Ray," he said automatically.

"Ray, it is. We're looking forward to meeting you, son."

He was still staring at the broken cell phone when a towel-clad Fraser came out of the bathroom five minutes later.

"Ray, do you think I might borrow one of your . . . ."

He looked at the phone in Ray's hand.

"Ah."

"Yeah, you can say that again, Benton. You got anything you forgot to mention this week? Because you know, if I didn't think it would get me locked up in a rubber room somewhere, I'd say I was just talking to your dead father about dinner plans with your family."

Fraser licked his lip.

"Well, to be honest, Ray . . . ."

Ray began to pace back and forth in the living room. "Fraser, what the hell have you been saying to them? And don't tell me you haven't been talking to them all week, because I won't believe you. It explains why you've been acting so weird. But . . . what? You made dinner plans?"

Fraser's eyes widened. "This is what's disturbing you? That my parents want to have us over for dinner? Not the fact that they're both . . . dead?"

Ray stopped in his tracks. "Oh. Yeah, okay . . . I suppose that should seem more weird than it is." He shook his head, then scowled at Fraser. "Don't change the subject, which is what have you been talking about with them? Because I gotta tell you, Fraser, I'm having a flashback to a phone call from Stella's dad, the night before her sweet sixteen party, saying it was high time they met me."

Fraser turned away, but Ray could still see the blush on his pale skin.

"I suppose . . . I may have been a bit excessive when . . . extolling your qualities."

Ray tilted his head. "You saying you lied to your parents about me, Fraser?"

"No, of course not!" Fraser turned back to face Ray. "Just that . . . I may have gone on a bit longer than . . . ." He sighed. "It's been a long time since I've been able to speak with my mother, Ray."

Ray wasn't sure what suddenly happened to the air supply in his apartment. All he knew was that when he put his arm around his partner and held him, the tightness in his chest started to ease again.

~~*~~*~~

Ray closed the refrigerator door and turned around. "That's the last of it, yeah?"

"I believe so," Fraser said. "At least it's the last of the leftovers."

"We're not going to talk about how it was possible to end up with leftovers from your family dinner, right?"

Fraser sighed. "We could, but I don't think it would be a terribly productive use of our time. I've found that, where my family's concerned, it's sometimes better to just . . . . "

"Go with the flow?"

Fraser nodded. "Something like that, yes."

"I like them, Fraser. Even . . . whatshisname, the one who brought the cole slaw."

"Uncle Tiberius."

"Yeah, Tiberius. He told me that the two of you used to spend a lot of time together when you were a kid."

"Mmm. He was the one I felt I could best talk to about . . . well . . . certain feelings of . . . ."

"Because he's queer, too."

"As you say."

Ray sat down on a stool and looked at the packages spread out over the kitchen counter. "Seems to me the whole family's okay with it now."

"They did seem to be rather taken with you. Most of these packages are yours."

He barked out a laugh. "I don't know how much that means. Your grandma kept giving me the evil eye."

"She gave you a gift, Ray."

"She gave me pajamas. With little red fire engines on them. In some cultures that's like handing someone a chastity belt."

Fraser muttered something to the floor.

"What? What'd you say?"

"Just that . . . she gave the same kind of pajamas to me a few years ago during a stay in hospital."

"Yeah?" Ray pulled the pajamas out of the bag they were in and looked at them for a minute. They really weren't too bad. "You know they think we're a couple, right?"

"I'm afraid so, Ray. I should have said something to disabuse them of that notion, but . . . ."

"But you didn't really want to, did you?"

Fraser shook his head. "No. I'm sorry. I'll call them tomorrow and . . . ."

"Let it go."

"What?"

"Just . . . go with the flow. You don't have to say anything. Nothing's written in stone."

Fraser looked at Ray in surprise. "You mean you'd . . . ."

"I don't mean anything, yet. Let's just . . . let's just get some sleep. And Fraser?"

Fraser stopped pulling the cushions off the couch and stacking them neatly on the coffee table.

"Yes, Ray?"

"I think the bed's big enough for two.

Ray wasn't sure he was ready to talk about what was going on between them. Definitely didn't want to think about having to talk to his own parents about this. But . . . it might make a nice change to have in-laws who didn't hate him, this time around.

Comments

[bluster.livejournal.com]

"She gave me pajamas. With little red fire engines on them. In some cultures that's like handing someone a chastity belt."

ROFL! I loved this line the most. :-) The whole thing was a hoot to read.

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

thanks!

Of course, now I want to see them in their matching jammies. *g*

[burntcopper.livejournal.com]

"We're not going to talk about how it was possible to end up with leftovers from your family dinner, right?"

:snerk: Am in agreement about the little red fire engines, too.

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Personally, I'm a little concerned about where the family found the ingredients, but if it's good enough for the boys, it's good enough for me....

*g*

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Ta!

And yes, you're excused, since apparently I was drunk when the basic premise first came to me. *g*

[beledibabe.livejournal.com]

What a great idea! Love it to bits, especially Uncle Tiberius, bringing coleslaw. ::snigger::

Yeah, you gotta go with the flow around Fraser, don't you.

And thank Debbie for me. ;>

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Debbie has been thanked. She said "you're welcome" (and then told me that if she'd been at dinner, she wouldn't have touched the cole slaw. *g*)

[maubast.livejournal.com]

I really liked this. Original idea, great fun.

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

[ajinamoto.livejournal.com]

::sigh:: I'm so far behind on my feedback.

I love this. I always love it when the dead folks make an appearance.

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Thanks, hon! (And yes, I also like visits from the beyond)

[akite.livejournal.com]

Uncle Tiberius and the cole slaw made me laugh out loud, literally. I love stories where Bob meets Ray, having the whole family just made it that much better. Wonderful twist on Parental Guidence too.

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Wonderful twist on Parental Guidence too.

Thank you! I suspect the two families aren't that different (which is a kind of scary thought *g*)

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

I love how Ray just quietly accepts the fact that Fraser's been using his broken cell phone to communicate with his dead relatives and invited them all to dinner.

Thanks! And even when his attention's been drawn to that fact (by Fraser), Ray's only taken aback for a second before going back to the "important part," i.e., that Fraser's been making dinner plans behind his back. *g*

[the-star-fish.livejournal.com]

Eeeee!

::calls lawyer to see if a lawsuit is possible::

Heeheeheehee. I'm so pleased with this you can't imagine it. Good job!

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

:::checks to make sure all fandom lawyers are firmly under her control:::

Why thank you, my dear, for your kind words!

[mei-x.livejournal.com]

I really liked this. I have a fondness for stories where Fraser's relatives pop up, and I'm glad they approve of Ray. *g*

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Thanks! And yes, I'm glad Fraser's family approves of Ray as well. Now, of course, I want to see the dinner at which Ray's folks first meet Fraser's folks. *g*

[imkalena.livejournal.com]

Hon, you made my night. Thanks.:-)

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Awwww...thanks, sweetie!

-Beth, who's so happy to see her former wallpaper coming back as an icon *g*

[axiom_of_stripe]

yay! fraser family dinner. that's grand.

Fraser's eyes widened. "This is what's disturbing you? That my parents want to have us over for dinner? Not the fact that they're both . . . dead?"

Ray stopped in his tracks. "Oh. Yeah, okay . . . I suppose that should seem more weird than it is."

::dies laughing::

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Heh. Never let it be said that Ray doesn't know how to focus on what's most important in a given situation. *g*

[ardent-muses.livejournal.com]

Fabulous idea! Just full of sadness and humor and magic. Mmm. I love Uncle Tiberius with the cabbage fixation. :)

The saddest thing about CotW is the idea that Bob won't be around anymore, so I like to think there are cool ways to bring him back.

This may be the first known instance of someone being turned on by meeting the wacky inlaws. *G*

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Fabulous idea! Just full of sadness and humor and magic. Mmm. I love Uncle Tiberius with the cabbage fixation. :)

The saddest thing about CotW is the idea that Bob won't be around anymore, so I like to think there are cool ways to bring him back.

Thank you! And yes, I also wish that Bob could have stuck around longer - along with Fraser's mom, obviously. She got to see her son as a man, finally, but they never got to talk, so....

This may be the first known instance of someone being turned on by meeting the wacky inlaws. *G*

Heh. I never really thought of it that way, but you're right. Scary.

[lamardeuse.livejournal.com]

His new cell was programmed to play the opening notes of "London Calling" when it rang.

Hee!

I loved this to distraction. The whole idea of a broken cell phone being a conduit to the afterlife, Uncle Tiberius' cole slaw, the dialogue. My only regret is that this isn't LONGER!! This is one which really deserves to be a full length short story.

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

I loved this to distraction. The whole idea of a broken cell phone being a conduit to the afterlife, Uncle Tiberius' cole slaw, the dialogue. My only regret is that this isn't LONGER!! This is one which really deserves to be a full length short story.

Thanks so much! And now, of course, snippets of other scenes have started floating around in my head -- Fraser and Ray actually showing up for dinner (via the Consulate closet):

"I thought this was your office, Dad."

"It's your mother's doing, son. She got the redecorating bug and all hell broke loose."

Ray stopped and stared at the photograph of the queen. "Hunh. Nice curtains around this picture. Is this a Canadian thing?"

Bob Fraser shook his head. "It's a Caroline thing. There are curtains hanging on *all* the pictures. She thinks it makes things look more homely." He turned to his son. "Yellow chintz, for the love of Pete!"

"I can't believe you're being so petty, Dad. Come on, Ray. I think Grandmother wants to meet you."

"Don't slow down, son," Bob called after them. "You'll find yourselves draped in yellow chintz!"

[tobyfan.livejournal.com]

Oh my, this is completely and utterly adorable! And I got a big old heartclench when Ray said, "Just . . . go with the flow. You don't have to say anything. Nothing's written in stone."

And the last line put a *huge* grin on my face.

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm so glad you liked it! (especially the last line *g*)

[rubyrosered.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is great! I love the whole quirky feel of it, that nobody reacts quite like you might expect. And, also that they didn't even discuss the whole 'couple' thing until the end, and only cryptically at that!

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Thank you! And you know, I have a feeling if they ever did get together in canon (yeah, right. *g*), there wouldn't be the kind of heart-to-hearts we usually give them. Look at the final scene in Mountie on the Bounty: they sort out their entire partnership, decide not to take transfers, and get over their anger at each other with four sentence fragments and a laugh. :)

[dsudis.livejournal.com]

Chiming in late, but I'll join the chorus in saying I loved this chance to see Fraser with family - something he often talks about but can never really demonstrate on the show. Ray was great, of course, and the whole idea is so quirky and cool and so perfectly in the spirit of canon. So if you have any more thoughts on this, you feel free to share them. Y'know. If you want.

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

So if you have any more thoughts on this, you feel free to share them. Y'know. If you want.

I'll keep that in mind. *g*

*g*

No, but really, thank you...and I'm glad you liked it. And yes, I'm thinking seriously of seeing if I can do something *more* with this. Not just more words (I can always do that. *g*), but take it in a different direction.

Hey! There just happens to be a new challenge that would seem to suit that idea just nicely! *g*

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

Woot!

Further proof, if proof were needed, that a good writer can take a wacky idea and run with it and produce something deeply and totally wonderful.

I like the "dead as a doorman" line. Also the pyjamas. ::snerk::

Lovely!

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much!

And re "dead as a doorman": it wasn't until after I wrote that line that I thought about "Dead Men Don't Throw Rice" and Ray saying that his "dead friend" (i.e., Fraser) had been a doorman, so...the line was almost canon, you know? *g*

[kist.livejournal.com]

*squee* This is the only fandom in which the thought of the boys with jammies doesn't make me want to poke my eyes out.

I love the premise. It's entirely bizarre yet completely in tune with the weirdness of the show. I'm still cackling from it all, from the communication with Fraser's dead parents via non-working cellphone to the quirky humor to the details provided of Uncle Tiberius and the dinner leftovers.

*attemps to wipe goofy grin off my face*
*fails*

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

This is the only fandom in which the thought of the boys with jammies doesn't make me want to poke my eyes out.

Oh, I so hear you. Okay...maybe the Lone Gunmen in XF; I'll bet *they* wear jammies. *g*

I'm so glad you liked it! Thanks for writing.

[aerye.livejournal.com]

Chiming in late, just to let you know you're fucking brilliant.

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Whoa, baby! I loves me my Susan! *g*

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Okay - on the run here in Indiana, and I don't have much time...but I HAVE to tell you I LOVE THIS TO PIECES and I wish a new series would follow, in which Bob, Caroline, Uncle Tiberius et all move in with Fraser and Ray. Consider it a modern-day "Topper."

More later when I get back.

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

...I LOVE THIS TO PIECES and I wish a new series would follow, in which Bob, Caroline, Uncle Tiberius et all move in with Fraser and Ray. Consider it a modern-day "Topper."

I'm *so* glad you liked it, Shay! And yes, it does sort of look like the family's there to stay, doesn't it? *g*

[laurakaye.livejournal.com]

oh, that was such fun!

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Merci!

[dichotomy235.livejournal.com]

This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time! I loved the premise and it goes to show that the strangest premise in the hands of a good writer can just...work. Loved it:)

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

*Thank* you (and thanks also for reminding me that I've somehow missed over a week of stories - and commenting)

[bertybertle.livejournal.com]

Awwww! This is so sweet! Happy Fuzzy Feelings! Thanks.

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you!

And...hey - synchronicity! I was just about to say how much I liked yours! (especially Ray slipping the photo in there between the shirts.)

[keerawa.livejournal.com]

Oh, I can totally see Ray being more concerned about the fact Fraser's parents have invited him to dinner than the fact that they are doing so from beyond the grave!

Much fun, thanks for writing it!

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! I'm really pleased you enjoyed this story.