(no subject)

[dsudis.livejournal.com]

I'd just come up with this for another purpose entirely, but it fits the challenge pretty nicely and it's been ages since I posted anything... 303 words.



He was nineteen. Fighting with his girl, fighting with his dad. Flunking out of school. Seemed like the end of the world.

He knew a guy who knew a guy. Getting the gun was easy. He took it back to his dingy studio apartment, the one that wasn’t good enough for his girl or his dad, and he loaded it and set it down on the floor next to his mattress.

For three weeks, he stared at it. Picked it up sometimes. Pointed it at himself sometimes. Thought about his girl, crying, thought about his dad, dressed in black.

But the fact was, he was too tired to pull the trigger, so he never got around to that. He just laid in bed, smoking and staring at the gun.

At the end of three weeks, his mum came by. He hadn’t locked the door, and he didn’t get up fast enough, and the place was filthy, he was filthy, and there was the gun.

She cried. She wouldn’t look at him, wouldn’t let him hug her, just stood there sobbing, praying when she could get any words out at all. He cried too, promised her he hadn’t meant it, promised her he’d be better now, promised her anything that crossed his mind as the words came tumbling out of him. She cleaned his apartment while he pushed himself through a shower, but she didn't touch the gun.

After that, she came back every day, to clean or cook or do his laundry. He put the gun away, started looking for a job, and she didn’t cry again, didn’t speak of it, but there she was, every day. She never told his dad, and he never told his girl.

He’s thirty-eight now, but his mum still comes over every day, to iron his shirts.

Comments

[maubast.livejournal.com]

I find this very very realistic.

I'm glad you posted.

[dsudis.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I'm glad I posted, too.

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

Beautiful. Poetry in motion. And a whole world in 303 words--stupendous.

[dsudis.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It had that prose-poem drabble-y feel, so 300 words felt really *long* by the time I was finished.

[mei-x.livejournal.com]

This is lovely. It's wonderful how you took the little detail of Ray's mom coming over to iron his shirts, and you gave such a powerful backstory. Well done.

[dsudis.livejournal.com]

I love latching on to little bits of canon and playing with them! Glad you enjoyed it.

[dsudis.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I'm glad it worked for you.

[jack-pride.livejournal.com]

You rock my world.

[dsudis.livejournal.com]

Well, I try. Glad you liked it.

[the-star-fish.livejournal.com]

Whoa. My head's all buzzy now. Good (bad) stuff.

[dsudis.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

I love what isn't said, but what is contained in that last line, his mother's caring and her fear.

[dsudis.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[lamardeuse.livejournal.com]

Wow. I love the way you explain what to me was an odd bit on the show--that his mom comes over and irons. I can see this so clearly.

[dsudis.livejournal.com]

The weird thing, for me, is that I actually came up with it backward - that is, I started with 'Ray almost committed suicide as a teenager' and was sort of feeling my way through that and hit upon his mom coming over every day. Glad you liked it!

[akite.livejournal.com]

Wow! So powerful and packed with meaning. Whoa!

Re:

[dsudis.livejournal.com]

I'm glad it worked for you. Thanks!

[beledibabe.livejournal.com]

Whew. Feel like *I'm* the one who's been through the wringer. Jeez, what an intense and intensely moving story.

Superb.

[dsudis.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I'm starting to realize that my usual assertion that, no, really, I want them to be happy may be on shaky ground, empirically speaking...

[ajinamoto.livejournal.com]

Joining in the choruses of "whoa, that was intense." A nice backstory to a throwaway event.

[dsudis.livejournal.com]

It's the joy of actually watching the episodes - there are all these little moments I can play with that I had no idea about before.

[jenboo.livejournal.com]

*shiver*

That was really chilling! A very dark place for Ray to be. It sure puts a new light on why his mum is so protective of him.
Beautiful work!

[dsudis.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm sure she was always protective of him... ;) I'm glad you liked this!

[dsudis.livejournal.com]

Because no matter how old they get, they're still your baby.

Always.

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

I think the saddest part was his visualizing (in an almost "wouldn't it be romantic?" way) the aftershocks if he should ever actually *use* the gun. Poor baby.

[dsudis.livejournal.com]

Yes, poor thing. But it gets better, eventually...

[imkalena.livejournal.com]

It's easy to imagine Ray, who's got a few problems even now, as a deeply depressed nineteen year old who is dealing with the fallout from a bad choice, and the worst part is he knows everything would be just as bad or worse if he did what he wanted to do. More fights with everybody, then. The "too tired" rings absolutely true.

[dsudis.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I'm glad this worked for you.