(no subject)

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

I am procrastinating like a procrastinating thing. Please somebody come to my house and hit me upside the head. Thanks to resonant8 and astolat for beta.



Five Things That Never Happened To Ray and Ray
by Speranza

Prologue.

Vecchio had Kowalski by the arm, and he got it twisted up and behind Kowalski's back so that he had enough leverage to slam Kowalski chest-first onto the kitchen table. Kowalski went down hard, with a kind of flattened bang against the table top. In a second, Vecchio was on top of him, weighing him down and whispering in his hot, pink ear. Kowalski was flushed and breathing hard and looking really fucking happy--man, the guy never looked so good as when you were throwing him around some.

"Yeah?" Vecchio whispered.

Kowalski's eyes fluttered closed. "Yeah."

"Now?"

"Yeah," and Vecchio didn't need to be told twice. He slid his hands under Kowalski to undo his jeans, then tugged them (and Kowalski's tiny little underwear, dark blue briefs more like bikinis: slut) over his ass and down his thighs just enough so that he could spread Kowalski's legs a little, get between them. Kowalski's t-shirt was riding up his pale, lightly freckled back, and Vecchio's hands were shaking as he reached for the zipper of his grey gabardine trousers. He unzipped, pushed his green silk boxers down, and then pulled the small tube of lube from the breast pocket of his Egyptian cotton dress shirt.

He knocked his knee against Kowalski's leg, and Kowalski instantly shifted his stance to spread wider, obedient as you please: good boy. Vecchio lubed himself up first, knowing that Kowalski was gonna start moaning like a bitch once he stuck fingers in him, and he wanted to be ready for action.

"C'mon...." Kowalski's head twisted around; his hands were white-knuckled where they gripped the edge of the table. "What are you doin' back there?"

"Hang on a minute, hang on a minute--"

"Reading the paper? Prospecting for gold? You want to paint my kitchen or--" Vecchio shoved two fingers in. Kowalski sucked in a long, shuddering breath, and then breathed out slowly. "...Okay, yeah."

He watched Kowalski writhe against the linoleum tabletop as he slid his fingers in and out, twisted them, pressed deep. Kowalski moaned, and there was something about that moan that always went straight to his dick, made him crazy--fucking crazy--for the Polack. He pulled his fingers out, grabbed his slicked-up cock in his fist, and pushed himself against Kowalski's hole.

He sank in slowly, gritting his teeth, going in, going deep.

Kowalski was shaking underneath him, gasping rhythmically for air. "...yeah....c'mon.... harder, do it harder, do it--"

Vecchio grabbed Kowalski's pale, smooth hips and began to slam in.

They neither of them noticed Fraser opening the door behind them.

*****

One.

"Okay, look," Ray Vecchio said, letting his hands drop away from his face. "Let's go through it again..."

"He takes his thing!" Kowalski was leaning against the counter, arms crossed, looking more pissed off than Vecchio'd ever seen him. "And shoves it up my whatsit! So what's the fuckin' problem, Fraser?"

Fraser bit his lip nervously. "There's no problem if you say not. I'm just not sure I see how--"

"Oh, Christ," Kowalski said, flinging himself backwards to stare at the ceiling. "Kill me. Just kill me."

"Let's go through it again," Ray Vecchio sighed.

*****

Two.

"Ray! Don't! What are you--"

Strong hands grabbed at his shoulders, tugging him back and up and away. He only had the briefest glimpse of red wool before Fraser socked him one to the jaw and he went crashing back into Kowalski's coffee machine.

"Hey!" Somewhere Kowalski was yelling. "Hey! What are you doing?"

Fraser, sounding worried. "Are you all right, Ray? Did he hit you?"

"Hit? He was--fuck, I'm fine! I'm just fine!"

"Oh." Fraser, sounding confused. "Because I thought he was...."

"I was enjoying that, Fraser, okay? What are you, the asshole police?!"

"You were... I--oh, dear. Ray, what happened to your pants?"

Vecchio decided that now would probably be a good time to pass out.

*****

Three.

"Ah! The Muskrat Maneuver. Well done--though a bit hard on the back, Ray, isn't it? That's why you have to clear your mind first, empty yourself of all thoughts. When I was studying Shotokan Karate, my old Sensei, Shige Haramoto, used to read to me from The Hagakure to help me clear my head. It is a fact that ash will not live where the water is too clear. But if there is duckweed or something, the fish will hide under its shadow and thrive. I don't know what it means," Fraser admitted, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, "but it's a very relaxing thought when you're twisted up like a pretzel, isn't it?"

"What. The fuck. Are you talking about?" Vecchio asked between gasps.

Fraser glanced down suddenly, and suddenly saw where Vecchio's dick was. "Oh dear."

*****

Four.

"Hello, Ray. Ray."

Moving together, as one, they both slowly turned their heads to see Fraser standing in the doorway.

"Are you fellows having trouble moving that table?" Fraser asked, clapping his hands together and coming closer to help.

*****

Five.

"Er, I knew you. Two would. Get. Along. I'll just be--" and the door banged shut behind him.


THE END

Comments

[chesamus.livejournal.com]

OK - I can foresee a challenge where we add more items to the list. Fraser taking notes of Vecchio's thoughtful and practical demonstration on how it's really done, comes immediately to mind...

Damn, you're good!

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

Er, that's rather a different challenge. *g* But I like it anyway!

[akite.livejournal.com]

::gasping for breath:: I think number 3 with the Muskrat Maneuver was my favorite. Too funny, Ces.

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

I have to give credit where credit is due:

Cesca: Fraser should come in and say something like, "Ah, it's been many years since I've seen a...
Cesca: (insert funny name)
resonant nods
Cesca: ...of that quality. My old master,(insert Chinese name)
Cesca: taught me that...blah blah
resonant: since I've seen the Muskrat Maneuver in action.
Cesca: lol
Cesca: is that real??
resonant: Nope.
Cesca dies
resonant: Muskrats are just inherently funny.

*brimming with mirth*

[dementia-12.livejournal.com]

*lolol*

*Ray & Ray break out the anatomically correct male puppets*

Ray: Children, gather around! It's the tale of 'Mr Winky gets horny'
Other Ray: And the sequel! "The Tale of Mr Winky's neglected Tail" ;p


Great story! ^-^

Re: *brimming with mirth*

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

Oh, don't tempt me! A puppetry challenge! I'd love a puppetry challenge!

[aerye.livejournal.com]

Damn, damn, damn. Um. Damn, damn.

Lordy, this makes me happy. If hitting you upside the head shakes free more of this, sign me up.

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

writing... "Sign...aeyre....up....to hit me in the"--hey, wait a minute!!! *g*

[murielperun.livejournal.com]

You made my day. Ray on Ray and clueless Fraser. Thank you, thank you!

"I was enjoying that, Fraser, okay? What are you, the asshole police?!"

Just hilarious. Brava!

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

Er, that's actually my own favorite line in the piece. It still makes me giggle. I'm 12, what can I tell you?

[murielperun.livejournal.com]

I'm 12, what can I tell you?

I guess I am, too, 'cos I love it. ;-)

[sanj.livejournal.com]

There's just no end to how many ways you can make me grin, is there? ::smooch::

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

counting on fingers... thirty-six....thirty-seven....

Glad you liked, hon! Anytime you need a grin, you just let me know!

[lamardeuse.livejournal.com]

Okay, now that I have stopped laughing 'til I want to puke...

...what happened to show and tell?

::snerk::

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

Oh, I think Ray and Ray put on quite a show, don't you? *g*

Glad you liked!

[lamardeuse.livejournal.com]

::gasp of self-recognition::

Oh, dear sweet baby Jesus. I was actually hoping for a threesome.

::going off to place head in oven::

[daughtershade.livejournal.com]

I'd write and tell you how hilarious this is, but I can't stop laughing. Muskrat Manuver indeed! *snicker* Moving the table... *snort* Oh gah! I think I pulled something... hee!

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

So happy you liked! You can thank Resonant for the muskrats (see above) but the table is all mine. *g* This was one of those ideas that just wouldn't let go of me, so hey. And when else are you gonna write a story like this?

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Oh. I. Jeez. Just.
Can't. Breathe.
Must.
Gah.
Good. I. Mfphjk. Lidsjkhasjzz.
Shprut.

::wipes eyes:: Lying down, now.

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

In case of a laughing emergency, oxygen masks will decend from the ceiling. Pull the mask toward you until the air is flowing steadily. Be sure to fix your own mask before helping others.

(thanks, Shay!!!)

[imkalena.livejournal.com]

Owooo! Nothing better than a helpful Fraser.:-)

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

It's like a bad joke: How many Rays does it take to move a kitchen table? *g* (Thanks, K!)

::bows down in front of Ces::

[persian-slipper.livejournal.com]

Only you could make this challenge work with Ray on Ray. I flove you.

Re: ::bows down in front of Ces::

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

It was the line about "I knew you two would get along" or whatever from COTW. With Ray/Ray on the brain from the canoes, that line suddeny seemed like a very Fraserish understatement. *g*

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

meep!

thank you so kindly!

Slut

[kiranovember.livejournal.com]

He slid his hands under Kowalski to undo his jeans, then tugged them (and Kowalski's tiny little underwear, dark blue briefs more like bikinis: slut)

I cannot laugh out loud at 4:45 in the morning! You're killing me, here. Cesca swings both Rays! Yay!

Re: Slut

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

I couldn't help it! What better thing for Fraser to be naive about?!! "Ray, you seem to be spending an awful lot of time with Ray since we all returned from Canada. And you've started to walk funny, too." *g*

[countess7.livejournal.com]

Oh. My. God. *More* Ray/Ray?! This is like the best news *ever*! Please tell me who converted you to the dark side so that I can thank them properly. With chocolate. And smut.

But the story! SO good! The lovely smut to start it off - so very sexy, yes, but deeper, too. [Kowalski] never looked so good as when you were throwing him around some. That is such a good line. Really says quite a bit about both characters. Love to see that explored in more fic.

there was something about that moan...that made him ...fucking crazy for the polack.

guh. love this. I did say it was sexy:)

Really, brilliant take on the challenge, Ces. Fraser was delightfully naive, laugh out loud funny!

Rock On!

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't know about *converted*, but you can blame cmshaw for as much of this as you like. (That was res's quote at the beta: "Ah, you've borrowed cmshaw's slutty Ray, I see." *g*) I just thought it was the ne plus ultra in naive Fraser, not to realize that his two partners are humping like weasels. (Or maybe not weasels. I don't know if weasels hump or what. I just like saying weasels. Though I suppose that weasels must hump, or where else would weasels come from? They don't hatch from eggs, surely. Never mind. *g*)

The lovely smut to start it off - so very sexy, yes, but deeper, too.

The story's really one PWP and five punchlines. I felt like I owed you the pwp part before I started making like the catskills.*g*

[axiom_of_stripe]

(That was res's quote at the beta: "Ah, you've borrowed cmshaw's slutty Ray, I see." *g*)

ah-hah, so that's where he went. cavorting with other writers! why, that slut!

[brooklinegirl.livejournal.com]

I loved this. So much. Wow. I'm trying to pick my favorite parts, but as with most of your stories, that is damn near impossible, as I loved the whole thing.

I will, however, admit that these were the lines that stuck with me particularly:
In a second, Vecchio was on top of him, weighing him down and whispering in his hot, pink ear. Kowalski was flushed and breathing hard and looking really fucking happy--man, the guy never looked so good as when you were throwing him around some.

"Yeah?" Vecchio whispered.

Kowalski's eyes fluttered closed. "Yeah."

Mmm, you write them together so damn good.

And I laughed myself to tears at the varied Fraser reactions.

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I'm so very, very glad you enjoyed. It was very fun to write--definitely used both parts of what's left of my brain *g*.

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

You're killing me with the Ray/Ray stuff: you know that, right? But if ever there were a perfect scenario in which Fraser could be clueless, *this* is it.

(still giggling over "One")

Fine job, m'dear!

[axiom_of_stripe]

he takes his thing!

::does the happy ces-is-writing-ray/ray-dance::

huzzah! huzzah!