Career Opportunities (Miracles)

[theodosia.livejournal.com]

Well, this is a catch-up for the Miracles challenge, which featured some rather unlikely Angels, such as here and here and here. (Don't miss the ficlet by bethbethbeth further down in the comments on the last one!) This story is not quite in the same universe as those, but very very close....

A big special Thanks to lynnmonster for some very helpful beta and title suggestions!


Career Opportunities

Crowley made a parking space appear down the block from the bookstore, and left the Bentley running. "I'll just be a minute," he dutifully told his passenger, who had passed out ("Thank you God!") a few miles back on the M5. "Er… don't even think about moving."

The passenger said nothing, so Crowley got out of the car quietly – it had taken many small liquor bottles to produce the desired level of quiet, and he didn't care to disturb it – and took a quick guilty look up and down the block before entering the antiquarian bookstore.

Aziraphale had hung a quiet little bell inside the door of his shop, the kind that makes a mellifluous "ding" that isn’t altogether too precious. It served to alert the proprietor of an unwelcome customer's arrival – or in Crowley's case, an unwelcome informant.

As usual, the bookstore was dim and dusty and utterly reassuring. In general the unredeemed demon disliked atmospheres such as this, but as he considered Aziraphale his greatest challenge he was prepared to put up with it.

However, his angelic counterpart wasn't at the counter. Instead there was a youngish plump man with short blond hair seated – no, make that youngish big woman – no… she reeked of the divine, all right. What was she?

With a groan, the blonde hauled herself to her feet, and Crowley saw that she wasn't fat… she was merely extremely pregnant. She wore a man's shirt, which strained across her rather full breasts and gravid belly. "Can I help you?" she said with an American accent, staring challenging at him until her girth collided with the counter. "Ow," she said, glaring down.

She looked up to see Crowley still looking at her. "You never saw a pregnant… lady before?" she said.

Crowley was intrigued. There was something about her – or her baby. Hmmm… if Aziraphale had her under his protection… could this be some unadvertised Third Coming? Surely Crowley's opposite number wouldn't be leaving a newly minted Mother of God running the register in his bookstore, would he?

Crowley remembered that he'd been asked a question. "I'm sorry, my dear," he said in his most ingratiating manner. "I haven't seen you here before. My name is Crowley. And yours is?"

The woman glared. "Ray."

Crowley had been seducing – or at least charming – young maidens and mothers since Eden, so he was not in the least fazed. "Ray, I was merely surprised that my old friend was not in. I had not heard he had gotten himself an assistant, much less one that is in a family way."

"Uh, yeah," said Ray, if anything looking more disgruntled. "So… you here to pick up a book or something?"

Ray looked no more eager about that prospect than Aziraphale usually did. Perhaps she'd had orders to discourage anyone from buying – the angel was possessive about his books. Crowley briefly contemplated browsing through the stock to keep his hand in, but his new apprentice wouldn't be passed out forever. "Actually, I'm here to discuss something with the proprietor."

"Oh…" Ray said. "He's out just now…." Just then the curtain that separated the shop proper from the back room swung aside, and a stunningly beautiful man stepped into the room. "I'm back, Ray," he said, his eyes immediately going to the woman. Crowley was puzzled by the Mountie uniform.

"'Bout time!" Ray said. "I was almost getting worried."

"I don't like to leave you alone just now—" the faux-Mountie said, then looked over to Crowley. "Pardon me, you're with a customer," he said to Ray.

Crowley inhaled slowly, so as to get a good whiff discreetly – yes, it was divinity, more strongly on the handsome gentleman. It would explain much if they were a… pair. Come to think of it, Aziraphale's last apprentice had been a failure. Crowley had got a decoration – with oak clusters – for that one. One could hardly complain if the apprentices were showing up pre-fallen.

"Pardon me," said the stunning man. "I'm Con— Mr. Fraser, and I first came – I'm Mr. Aziraphale's new assistant."

I'm sure you are, Crowley thought. "I'm Crowley. Mr. Aziraphale would have been expecting me."

"Ah," said Mr. Fraser. "Yes, he did, come to think of it. He left an envelope—"

"I'll get it, Frase," said Ray. She waddled towards the curtain but stopped dead, her hand on her very large belly.

"What is it, Ray?" Mr. Fraser said.

"Junior's kicking up a storm, started just a few minutes ago," said Ray. "I never knew kids threw tantrums before they were ever born." She unconsciously patted at her stomach as if she could soothe her baby.

"It's not unusual to see increased movement in the last few days," Mr. Fraser said.

"You gotta figure she's real crowded," said Ray.

"Well, soon enough she won't be," said Fraser with a fond smile.

"Another thing to look forward to," Ray muttered. "Another two weeks of this…"

"You'll do fine," said Fraser. He looked over to Crowley, who was tapping his foot. "Ray, why don't you take a nap, and I'll get Mr. Crowley his envelope."

"That's all I do, nap and gestate," said Ray. She rolled her eyes. "I'll get it, it's on the desk, right?" She waddled off behind the curtain.

The bell on the door dingled behind them and Crowley turned to see his apprentice leaning in the open doorway, not looking much the better for his nap. "Are we in fucking England?" Joe Dick said. "Because if we aren't, then the cars are driving on the wrong side of the street…."

"May I help you?" Fraser said stiffly, not that Crowley could fault him – Joe wore the same disreputable stage clothes he'd died in, minus the blood stains, and didn't look like anyone's ideal bookstore customer, unless it was the same place the Unabomber shopped (and even then you'd probably ask to inspect his packages before he left, if you dared). Crowley generally approved of such an attitude, particularly as it came from a soul-deep disdain for the rules, but knew he'd have to teach his apprentice when to finesse a temptation or tread softly.

Such as now, for instance.

"Joe!" Crowley said heartily. "I thought you were napping in the Bentley." He turned back to Aziraphale's apprentice angel. "This is my new assistant, Mr. Dick."

They both gazed warily at his apprentice, who let the door slam as he came down the interior steps. "I woke up, and there was fuck all left to drink," he said, aggrieved – he often seemed under the impression that Crowley was there to cater to him. Crowley hadn't yet dissuaded him – not that he was catering to Joe's needs, beyond the ones designed to shut him up when it was convenient. The dissuading, Crowley had vowed, was going to be violent, perhaps even epic, when it came round at last.

"There's the kettle on the hob," Fraser said. "Could I make you some tea?"

Joe's reaction was to stare at Fraser in obvious disbelief. "What would I fucking want with tea?" he said.

Fraser was taken aback. "Why, tea is a pleasantly—"

"Holy fucking shit!" Joe said suddenly, so Fraser politely stopped speaking, and turned to see what the punk rocker was staring at. Ray had entered through the curtained doorway, holding a cream-coloured envelope in her hand. "Billy, what the fucking hell have they done to ya?"

Ray swung round to stare at Joe. "Give me a freaking break," she said. "Mr. Crowley, here's your message."

Crowley concluded that Ray was a tougher chick than at first glance if she wasn't fazed by Joe Dick.

He'd only begun to reach for the envelope she proffered when Joe said, "Billy! What the hell happened to you?" His apprentice came down the stairs in a beeline towards Ray. "Some fuckwad knocked you up?" He thought for just a moment. "And fucked up the laws of science and God for you to get knocked up?"

"As a matter of fact—" Fraser said, stepping into his path. "Well, that's neither here nor there, and it isn't any of your business."

"Billy, what the hell have they done to you?" Joe said low and intense. He turned to Crowley, looking murderously angry. "If 'our deal' had any fucking 'consequences' for anybody beyond me—"

Crowley had been an amused spectator through this, speculating on what divine rules would have had to have been broken or specifically allowed to be bent. "I assure you, my dear boy, nothing in our deal affects anyone but you," he said truthfully. He supposed Joe had been assigned as his apprentice for the sheer annoyance he would bring to Crowley's non-life.

"Who the hell is Billy?" asked Ray. She had her hand pressed to her belly again. Crowley suspected the baby was objecting to the presence of fallen angels.

"Obviously, a case of mistaken identity," Crowley said, hoping to move things along.

"Yeah, but that's still a fucking pregnant guy – what's with that?" said Joe. He might not be wise, but he wasn't stupid.

"See here—" Fraser said.

"I think I can fight my own battles, Fraser," said Ray. Crowley lifted an eyebrow, now that his assistant had pointed it out, he could see how Ray might indeed have started out male. Divinity had definitely intervened to permit this, though for what ineffable reason, he wasn't going to speculate.

"Joe, am I going to have to tell you to go to the car?" Crowley said quietly. He tore open the envelope and unfolded the cream-coloured stationery, and quickly read the note Aziraphale had left, which was to the effect that the rules saying no sex for angels had been revoked, and so Aziraphale was intending to get some right away, pardon for the abrupt change of schedule.

"Hmmm," said Crowley. He looked up to see Joe glowering, while the two would-be angels looked nervous from behind the counter. He smiled, and if Aziraphale had been there to see it, with his long history with Crowley and knowledge of his moods, his blood would have run cold. (Had it technically run in the first place, that is.) "Joe, we're going to have to discuss a change in your status and duties," he said, putting an arm around his apprentice's shoulder. "We should go home immediately and… discuss it."

Crowley smiled even more broadly when Joe glared at him suspiciously. Oh, this was going to be fun. "Good day to you… gentlemen," he said to the two apprentice angels. There would be plenty of time later to tempt them, in the meantime he had an apprentice of his own to do.

* * *

In the bookstore they left behind, Ray said "Now that was odd."

Fraser said, "I wonder what Mr. Aziraphale's message said? They didn't seem like the sort of people that you would think would be his friends."

"Trust me on this, Frase… those weren't friends."

"I'm glad they didn’t stay any longer, then." He smiled fondly at his lover. "Would you like a back rub?"

"I'd love one, but don't we have a bookstore to run?"

"I don't see any customers at the moment… and I can put up the 'Closed' sign, in any case."

"Maybe you'd better then," said Ray. "'Cause to tell you the truth, I'm thinking of more than a backrub."

* * *

Somewhere miles away, in a secluded country house, Joe Dick was heard to say, "Fuck! No fucking way! Ah, fuck!"

Crowley smiled. "That's the general idea, my dear boy."

Comments

[chesamus.livejournal.com]

Ray as a "newly minted mother of God..." That giggle is going to take a while to go away!

[theodosia.livejournal.com]

Heh. I don't know if that's what Lynn has in mind for Angel!Ray, but since it's Crowley's speculation, it isn't canon yet.

::stares meaninfully at Lynn again::