Queer Challenge by Aingeal
Sep. 19th, 2006 11:14 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
aingeal8c.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
ds_flashfictionTitle: The Unspeakable Vice
Pairing: Fraser/Vecchio, some implied Vecchio/Zuko
Rating: PG-13 (for language)
Word Count: 1388
Summary: Ray Vecchio what queer means with relation to his past, present and future.
Notes: My thanks and gratitude go to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lozenger8 for a speedy beta whipping this fic into shape and for sugesting the title.
The Unspeakable Vice
Queer was funny word, Ray thought. Benny used it if something was odd or strange. Ray remembered being really confused when Fraser said ‘That’s a very queer thing,’ during a museum case they’d handled. Fraser had been referring to the odd method in which the statue had been stolen. That hadn’t been what had sprung into Ray’s mind when he heard the word. Growing up in Ray’s neighbourhood there had only been one meaning for it and it wasn’t one he liked.
He’d only been about seven when the older boys would talk about Vincent Delgado and mention that he was a queer. Ray had asked one his cousins, Tommy, what that meant. Tommy had told him it meant that Vincent liked men not girls and that wasn’t right. He’d used a lot of other words Ray didn’t remember, but he knew they’d been bad.
In the neighbourhood, ‘fucking queers’, as they were often called, were to be avoided. Some said they raped little kids, others said they’d try and turn the man of the house away from his wife. The older Ray got, the more he understood what people were talking about and the less he liked it.
Then there was Frankie.
Nobody in the neighbourhood had thought Frankie was queer, but then you wouldn’t accuse Carl Zuko’s son of that. It was kids like Marco who’d get their faces beaten in that were called queer, boys who didn’t defend themselves when they were held down by boys stronger than them.
That was what queer meant, that you were weak, just like a woman. Ray remembered his father using the word. His father thought being a man meant you could beat up kids and that that would stop them being queer, that it would teach them to be men who’d also prove themselves by hitting kids. That you only picked on those weaker than you so you could win.
Ray had experienced it himself and vowed that he wasn’t going to beat people up just to prove he was a man. Frankie, on the other hand, clearly pretended he came from the same set of values but he used the tough guy image to distract people from the simple fact he wasn’t so picky about who he had sex with.
Ray remembered their teenage years and the fact Frank used to try and get him to do all sorts of things, things that were queer, and Ray went along with it because Frankie was his friend and because it was safer to be playing queer with Frank than it was to use the word.
Looking back, he hated who he had been. He’d been so fucked up by the whole experience he’d sought solace in women. At first it was Frank’s sister, but that wasn’t the smartest move. Frank had never forgiven him for falling into Irene’s bed after leaving his. He’d loved her, he really had, but it was never going to work.
Then it had been Angie and that hadn’t been his smartest move either. Maybe he’d thought if he married her he’d certainly become Mr Macho straight guy but that hadn’t worked out. He’d loved her too, but again it hadn’t been enough.
When he was having sex with a woman he could rationalise everything. How could he be queer if enjoyed the sex? Of course, there were times when he struggled and the arguments he had with Angie didn’t help. There’d be a look in her eyes as if deep down she knew there was something he was holding back.
He must have been holding back. He knew he’d seen perfect bodies in his dreams, perfect male bodies and that sometimes it became so intense he’d have to take care of things. That when Angie went out, he might indulge himself in those fantasies, just a little. But the word queer and all it implied rang in his ears the entire time. Sometimes it killed the mood entirely.
He hadn’t had those dreams for awhile. Then Benny had walked into his life. He trained himself to block them out, but he couldn’t block them out, not with memories of a guy who was wonderful, good looking and kind. It just wasn’t happening. He’d fallen in love with the damn Mountie.
He couldn’t rationalise that. Well he could, he knew exactly why he’d fallen in love with the Mountie but this was…what he’d had with Frank, with women, was nothing like this. He was still playing the heterosexual male on the outside but there was only one person that could make him happy and that person was a man.
Something had happened one night and he and Fraser had tumbled into bed together That part of him so long since buried found its way right to the top and Ray used the memories of his youth to find out that Benny felt the same and together they did something that most people in Ray’s neighbourhood would think he was going to hell for.
Now here he was, lying naked in another man’s arms. He was wondering about the word queer. Was he queer, now? Was it official? He’d just had sex with another man and loved it, had not held back at all. So if he was, was Benny queer? Did Benny even know what the word meant?
Of course Fraser had noticed Ray’s restlessness and the fact he’d been engrossed in contemplation. Ray thought about feigning sleep but it was too late.
“Ray, what you thinking about?”
“Nothing.”
“It’s obviously something.”
“I told you, Benny it’s nothing, just silly stuff,” Ray mumbled, hoping Fraser would drop it.
“It’s not silly, Ray.”
Ray sighed and looked into Fraser’s eyes. “Benny, what does queer mean to you?
Benny gave him a smile. “Ray, language is a funny thing, over time words can change meanings or be dropped altogether. Someone from Shakespeare’s time would have trouble understanding a lot of what we talk about. Language, communication and words are all a code. Some words have certain connotations to some people, not to others.”
“What if you have a hang up about a word?”
“You have a hang up about the word ‘queer’?”
Ray semi-shrugged in Fraser’s arms. “I guess so. Growing up…it wasn’t the kind of word you’d use, Benny. “
“Ah, I see.”
“People, they talk and they make you think that it’s the worst thing in the world. That raping a woman is better than being a queer.”
“You and I both know that’s not true. That must have been difficult for you, Ray.”
“It wasn’t that bad,” Ray lied. In all honesty, it had been awful.
“You’ve had experience though, haven’t you?”
“Was I that obvious?”
“The way we made love, Ray, did indicate some prior experience.”
“Yeah I have.” Ray wasn’t ready to tell Fraser who it had been with, not yet.
“But you’re still not sure?”
“I love you, Benny, that I’m sure about, but the rest…”
“I can understand that, Ray.”
“You can?” Ray was surprised.
“Your cultural background with its religious teachings would not have allowed a great deal of freedom in exploring any feelings you may have had for other boys or men as you grew up.”
“Yeah, Benny. People called you queer and would tell you you’re going to hell.”
“I’m sorry Ray.”
“Not your fault. But it wasn’t like that for you?”
“No, Ray. Homosexuality wasn’t mentioned much in Inuvik, but it wasn’t thought of as a sin. I imagine I must have met gay men and women but things like that weren’t something I noticed. Of course, where I was growing up, queer meant strange or odd from a conventional viewpoint.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it, Ray. Of course it fits in with our situation. To a lot of people it may seem strange that we’ve come together the way we have.”
“Strange to them, but not to us?”
“Indeed, Ray.”
“That’s an explanation I can live with.”
Ray showed his appreciation for Fraser putting his doubts to rest by kissing him. Did it matter what word was used? Ray didn’t think so. Being with Benny felt wonderful and perfect and right and if that was odd and strange to others, then Ray felt sorry for all those people who called themselves normal.
Pairing: Fraser/Vecchio, some implied Vecchio/Zuko
Rating: PG-13 (for language)
Word Count: 1388
Summary: Ray Vecchio what queer means with relation to his past, present and future.
Notes: My thanks and gratitude go to
lozenger8 for a speedy beta whipping this fic into shape and for sugesting the title. The Unspeakable Vice
Queer was funny word, Ray thought. Benny used it if something was odd or strange. Ray remembered being really confused when Fraser said ‘That’s a very queer thing,’ during a museum case they’d handled. Fraser had been referring to the odd method in which the statue had been stolen. That hadn’t been what had sprung into Ray’s mind when he heard the word. Growing up in Ray’s neighbourhood there had only been one meaning for it and it wasn’t one he liked.
He’d only been about seven when the older boys would talk about Vincent Delgado and mention that he was a queer. Ray had asked one his cousins, Tommy, what that meant. Tommy had told him it meant that Vincent liked men not girls and that wasn’t right. He’d used a lot of other words Ray didn’t remember, but he knew they’d been bad.
In the neighbourhood, ‘fucking queers’, as they were often called, were to be avoided. Some said they raped little kids, others said they’d try and turn the man of the house away from his wife. The older Ray got, the more he understood what people were talking about and the less he liked it.
Then there was Frankie.
Nobody in the neighbourhood had thought Frankie was queer, but then you wouldn’t accuse Carl Zuko’s son of that. It was kids like Marco who’d get their faces beaten in that were called queer, boys who didn’t defend themselves when they were held down by boys stronger than them.
That was what queer meant, that you were weak, just like a woman. Ray remembered his father using the word. His father thought being a man meant you could beat up kids and that that would stop them being queer, that it would teach them to be men who’d also prove themselves by hitting kids. That you only picked on those weaker than you so you could win.
Ray had experienced it himself and vowed that he wasn’t going to beat people up just to prove he was a man. Frankie, on the other hand, clearly pretended he came from the same set of values but he used the tough guy image to distract people from the simple fact he wasn’t so picky about who he had sex with.
Ray remembered their teenage years and the fact Frank used to try and get him to do all sorts of things, things that were queer, and Ray went along with it because Frankie was his friend and because it was safer to be playing queer with Frank than it was to use the word.
Looking back, he hated who he had been. He’d been so fucked up by the whole experience he’d sought solace in women. At first it was Frank’s sister, but that wasn’t the smartest move. Frank had never forgiven him for falling into Irene’s bed after leaving his. He’d loved her, he really had, but it was never going to work.
Then it had been Angie and that hadn’t been his smartest move either. Maybe he’d thought if he married her he’d certainly become Mr Macho straight guy but that hadn’t worked out. He’d loved her too, but again it hadn’t been enough.
When he was having sex with a woman he could rationalise everything. How could he be queer if enjoyed the sex? Of course, there were times when he struggled and the arguments he had with Angie didn’t help. There’d be a look in her eyes as if deep down she knew there was something he was holding back.
He must have been holding back. He knew he’d seen perfect bodies in his dreams, perfect male bodies and that sometimes it became so intense he’d have to take care of things. That when Angie went out, he might indulge himself in those fantasies, just a little. But the word queer and all it implied rang in his ears the entire time. Sometimes it killed the mood entirely.
He hadn’t had those dreams for awhile. Then Benny had walked into his life. He trained himself to block them out, but he couldn’t block them out, not with memories of a guy who was wonderful, good looking and kind. It just wasn’t happening. He’d fallen in love with the damn Mountie.
He couldn’t rationalise that. Well he could, he knew exactly why he’d fallen in love with the Mountie but this was…what he’d had with Frank, with women, was nothing like this. He was still playing the heterosexual male on the outside but there was only one person that could make him happy and that person was a man.
Something had happened one night and he and Fraser had tumbled into bed together That part of him so long since buried found its way right to the top and Ray used the memories of his youth to find out that Benny felt the same and together they did something that most people in Ray’s neighbourhood would think he was going to hell for.
Now here he was, lying naked in another man’s arms. He was wondering about the word queer. Was he queer, now? Was it official? He’d just had sex with another man and loved it, had not held back at all. So if he was, was Benny queer? Did Benny even know what the word meant?
Of course Fraser had noticed Ray’s restlessness and the fact he’d been engrossed in contemplation. Ray thought about feigning sleep but it was too late.
“Ray, what you thinking about?”
“Nothing.”
“It’s obviously something.”
“I told you, Benny it’s nothing, just silly stuff,” Ray mumbled, hoping Fraser would drop it.
“It’s not silly, Ray.”
Ray sighed and looked into Fraser’s eyes. “Benny, what does queer mean to you?
Benny gave him a smile. “Ray, language is a funny thing, over time words can change meanings or be dropped altogether. Someone from Shakespeare’s time would have trouble understanding a lot of what we talk about. Language, communication and words are all a code. Some words have certain connotations to some people, not to others.”
“What if you have a hang up about a word?”
“You have a hang up about the word ‘queer’?”
Ray semi-shrugged in Fraser’s arms. “I guess so. Growing up…it wasn’t the kind of word you’d use, Benny. “
“Ah, I see.”
“People, they talk and they make you think that it’s the worst thing in the world. That raping a woman is better than being a queer.”
“You and I both know that’s not true. That must have been difficult for you, Ray.”
“It wasn’t that bad,” Ray lied. In all honesty, it had been awful.
“You’ve had experience though, haven’t you?”
“Was I that obvious?”
“The way we made love, Ray, did indicate some prior experience.”
“Yeah I have.” Ray wasn’t ready to tell Fraser who it had been with, not yet.
“But you’re still not sure?”
“I love you, Benny, that I’m sure about, but the rest…”
“I can understand that, Ray.”
“You can?” Ray was surprised.
“Your cultural background with its religious teachings would not have allowed a great deal of freedom in exploring any feelings you may have had for other boys or men as you grew up.”
“Yeah, Benny. People called you queer and would tell you you’re going to hell.”
“I’m sorry Ray.”
“Not your fault. But it wasn’t like that for you?”
“No, Ray. Homosexuality wasn’t mentioned much in Inuvik, but it wasn’t thought of as a sin. I imagine I must have met gay men and women but things like that weren’t something I noticed. Of course, where I was growing up, queer meant strange or odd from a conventional viewpoint.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it, Ray. Of course it fits in with our situation. To a lot of people it may seem strange that we’ve come together the way we have.”
“Strange to them, but not to us?”
“Indeed, Ray.”
“That’s an explanation I can live with.”
Ray showed his appreciation for Fraser putting his doubts to rest by kissing him. Did it matter what word was used? Ray didn’t think so. Being with Benny felt wonderful and perfect and right and if that was odd and strange to others, then Ray felt sorry for all those people who called themselves normal.
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no subject
Date: 2006-09-19 08:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-09-19 10:20 pm (UTC)Thank you, glad you enjoyed it.
I think Ray still has some issues to work through from his past. Poor guy.
Thanks for the fb.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-21 02:48 pm (UTC)And I now feel sheepish, because I really thought that I left a comment on this one, and apparently, I didn't. *headdesk*
no subject
Date: 2006-09-21 06:30 pm (UTC)Thank you. I do find it interesting with the history Ray Vecchio and Frank Zuko it's not inconcievable something like this happened. And the most virulent hate is often borne out of spurned or ended love.
And then the final line of Being with Benny felt wonderful and perfect and right and if that was odd and strange to others, then Ray felt sorry for all those people who called themselves normal. made my heart melt. Into butter. Well done hun!
Glad you enjoyed it :-) I had to make a happy ending.
And I now feel sheepish, because I really thought that I left a comment on this one, and apparently, I didn't. *headdesk*
Oh don't feel sheepish :-)
Thank you for your fb. Better late than never as they say.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-22 12:55 am (UTC)You tackled the issue from Ray's perspective believably, Aingeal. I know I worked as beta on this story, but I really liked how you tackled the prompt.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-22 08:30 am (UTC)I guess it;s just one of those things...
You tackled the issue from Ray's perspective believably, Aingeal. I know I worked as beta on this story, but I really liked how you tackled the prompt.
Hee thank you. I didn't have too high an opinion on it but the more i think the more I think it's a good story. Thanks for betaing it, it was most helpful.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-25 10:10 am (UTC)Anyway, very good (as always). Painful, moving, loving, and bitter sweet.
Lovely.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-25 05:03 pm (UTC)I did mention it in my LJ and part of me wondered if you had seen it.
Anyway, very good (as always). Painful, moving, loving, and bitter sweet.
Lovely.
Thank you. Glad you enjoyed it. I thought a bitter sweetness would make it interesting.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-26 11:33 am (UTC)*Muttering darkly about LJ messing with my f-list* Nope, I didn't :-(((
I thought a bitter sweetness would make it interesting.
It certainly did!
no subject
Date: 2006-09-26 12:09 pm (UTC)Bad LJ! Sorry about that.
no subject
Date: 2006-09-26 12:38 pm (UTC)*Drags Jethro back from Mexico to headslap them*
And it's not your fault!
no subject
Date: 2006-09-26 05:20 pm (UTC)*Drags Jethro back from Mexico to headslap them*
Ah a fitting punsihment.
And it's not your fault!
Thank you. :-)
no subject
Date: 2006-09-26 10:18 am (UTC)Glad you got a chance to read, and that it was worth it.
Loved the Frankie/Ray backstory. The whole thing just feels very *real* and very true to who Ray is.
Thank you. I do think that the past Frankie and Ray have could easily encompass this. Judging by what we see anyway.
Really nice work here - I think I'll come back to this one more than once.
Thank you. :-)
I hope you read it again.