Genre 2007 challenge by joandarck

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

Pairings: various/Fraser
Length: ~1200 words?
Rating: you don't need an ID to buy the magazine
Warning: Cosmo quizzes are a waste of time

This month: How to tell if the man of your dreams wants YOU!

1. Does he wear a sharp red uniform?

A  Of course he does; if he didn't, I would certainly put him on report.

B  If by sharp you mean dorky, sure. *dorky snort*

C  Yeah, red, brown, blue, lots of wool, but you should see him on the weekends. What a mess!

D  Not once the door closes behind us...

E  Yes, and he looks so handsome in it! Although the fit of those pants does make him look like he's carrying a little weight at the hips – but then, he's never wanted my advice. And I offered to measure him and everything.


2. If you suggest getting together casually after work, he says

A  Yes, I'd like that.

B  Of course. We'll just need to stop by and pick up Diefenbaker.

C  I'm afraid I – already have plans.

D  Excuse me, but I believe I see a situation in progress, involving an organ-grinder's monkey and a... monkey.

E  Nothing: he's speechless with shock and desire.


3. Does he look at you with his heart in his eyes?

A  Like it's a hot day and I'm the kid with the ice cream cone. Of course, he also looks at kids with ice cream cones that way.

B  Sometimes I think so, but, uh... it's hard to be totally sure, because I'm usually distracted by getting this massive... uh.

C  Certainly not! That would be entirely inappropriate while on duty. And after hours, he always seems to be out with that disreputable friend of his.

D  Yes, he does, that big, bleeding heart of his, much good it did the woman he said he loved.

E  Oh, yeah! Definitely. Totally. Well... maybe. Kind of. Or it might be, you know, panic.


4. Attractively dressed, you surprise him by turning up at his door. He

A  immediately takes you to bed for a bout of passionate, soft-focus lovemaking.

B  gets this look, like a squirrel about to get hit by a car.

C  asks how you got in, points out the time, and stares at you until you pretend you need his help on a case.

D  turns you away on the grounds that he already has a friend in there... like, a woman.

E  assumes that a fire drill is in progress, causing you to panic and agree that it is, at which point he insists on carrying out every last procedure, leaving you shivering for fifteen minutes on a filthy American sidewalk at midnight in only an overcoat and a silk slip while he climbs up the side of the building.


5. Would he ever cheat on you?

A  Oh, no, he's much too honorable. Sweet, and kind... a real gentleman, not like those other creeps.

B  Ha ha ha ha ha! I should think not. If he did, I'd have him censured fired eviscerated – I'd make my displeasure clear.

C  Eh, what's a little cheating between friends. Not that I would. But we all know how it goes, I wouldn't get all bent out of shape if, you know, a woman came between us. Yeah. Well. Maybe a little. Okay, it would kill me!

D  He can try, but after me, he won't know how to love again.

E  Why? Do you know something? I mean – not that I care, I don't care. Where did you see them? No reason, just, uh, it's my lunch break.

 

ANSWERS
1. A2 B4 C3 D5 E1
2. A4 B3 C2 D1 E5
3. A3 B4 C2 D5 E1
4. A5 B1 C4 D3 E2
5. A1 B2 C3 D5 E4


25 pts – Well played, sister. His heart may be oh-so-noble, but he's still a man, which makes him weak. And he's yours by right, to mold, crush, devour, and cherish at your whim. Lead him into new realms of redemption and hope or betray him and leave him a torn, abandoned puppet of desire. Either way, your triumph will be exquisite.

20-24 pts – My friend, you are a handsome man in your prime, you have a lot of energy and style, and your hair, which – okay, let's be honest – is not entirely standard in some circles, is looking real good just now. Sometimes you have to go with your gut and if your gut is telling you this guy wants you, take it from us, he does. When he gives you that look, like he's not sure if you're speaking in Swahili, or he's trying to decide whether to tell you something's stuck to your shoe, doesn't matter, what he's really thinking is, "I want that guy. I want to jump his bones. I want him to take me home right now and make hot crazy love to me all afternoon, and then dance under the moonlight and whisper sweet nothings in my shell-like ear." Okay that's maybe not the exact words, but the point is: go for it. Ask him. Or don't ask, just show and tell, that's more what you do best. And hey - send us a picture.

15-19 pts – You. Yeah, you, you're pathetic. You know what your pop would say, don't you? Guys like him don't go for guys like you. That's not the real world. Who do you think you are, anyway? Think you deserve better than the rest of us poor slobs? Who are you trying to kid? He'd break your heart, you know he would. He's done it before, hasn't he? Go, just go, leave him first before he can leave you. Make like it was your idea. That's the only way you're getting out of this with some shred of dignity intact, you big sap.

10-14 pts – We must be realistic. There are pros and cons here. Pros: he's an extremely attractive...

Cons! Cons. The situation necessitates a certain amount of restraint, obviously, and it's not entirely clear that he – that is, while he naturally would be enthusiastic about a relationship under different circumstances, given your obvious compatibility, the circumstances – er –

In short: realistically speaking, he has nothing to offer that a number of other fine examples of the male form, er, gender, don't also have, even if other men don't make you quake in your boots in quite the same way (and don't have the same fine service record), and the potential for some kind of humiliating romantic contretemps is considerably lowered if you look a little further outside your own demesne. For the moment.

5-9 pts – Now, while we're not saying your brother knows anything about it, because – we mean, look at him. Does he look like he could romance his way out of a paper bag? Hardly. No idea what those women see in him. Although it's not like he has any trouble getting certain people into supply closets. Maybe it's some kind of voodoo. That might be worth looking into. But anyway. The point is, you're a young, attractive, beautiful woman, with a lot of charm and sex appeal and real character, and brains, not that anybody seems to care, and it's a shame for you to be throwing yourself away on someone who's never really... never really shown much interest, if you're honest about it. You deserve better, and you don't need him! Why not apply to the Police Academy? Or become an artist, and run away to Italy like your second cousin? You could meet sensitive, artistic men! Hell, even adopting a bunch of babies would be better than just sitting around waiting for some... oh, don't cry. Please don't cry. You're not listening, are you? He just makes your heart beat faster, doesn't he? We know, honey. We know.

Comments

[kill-claudio.livejournal.com]

Oh, that was great! The Cosmo-style was hilarious, especially the Thatcher-y bits, although the summaries for 15-19pts and 5-9pts nearly made me cry. Oh, poor Ray and Frannie. *hugs them*

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

You know, I wish I'd been able to do more of a proper Cosmo parody, but I was too distracted by the characters. And it's been a long time since I actually read one of these quizzes! Anyway -- I'm glad you enjoyed it.
*hugs the Vecchios as well*

[china_shop]

D turns you away on the grounds that he already has a friend in there... like, a woman.

*winces* This is brilliant! And also... OUCH.

♥ ♥ ♥

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

It hit me last night that there is a canon answer for Thatcher on that one -- "hastily finish dressing while you avert your eyes." Pity, I was so sold on that false fire drill scenario.

GLOMP

[http://users.livejournal.com/_unhurt_/]

15-19 pts

aw, nooo! *pets*

oh, don't cry. Please don't cry. You're not listening, are you? He just makes your heart beat faster, doesn't he? We know, honey. We know.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

(and that goes double for the whole thing)

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

Just goes to show, never listen to those negative internal voices! Except Frannie -- Frannie should have! So listen to them when they're right! ...Yeah, I got nothin'.

<3

[kristiinthedark.livejournal.com]

Very, very cool. Like whoa.

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

Thank you! It was one of those weird ideas that you just have to try.

[izzybeth.livejournal.com]

you, my friend, are some sort of evil genius. with a double injection of radioactive green evil. because 15-19 pts? ow. OW. ::cries:: but 10-14 pts? humiliating romantic contretemps. see? GENIUS. (also, that would be an excellent lj name.)

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

*beams* *gloats* You know what's more evil than me? Cosmo quizzes. That's what. They hate you! They hate us all!

[luzula]

Oh, cool! It was fun to figure out who was who in the replies. I like the Frannie part at the end, and Thatcher was great too.

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

Poor ladies, never had a chance and had a chance only to see it slip away, respectively!

[spuffyduds.livejournal.com]

WOW.

*boggles with awe*

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

The sad part is, I could have made this so much easier on myself if I'd just kept it all the same for every question (A=RayV, B=RayK, etc.) -- but while I like doing those quizzes because they're easy to score, they're also kind of lame because it's so obvious what the 'right' answers are, so I got it into my head to do one of the mix-them-up kind, and wasted longer than you would think moving them around in a little grid like frickin sudoku, trying to compromise between what read well and what kept them from repeating too often in the same slot. !! la di da only slightly deranged...

[keerawa.livejournal.com]

leave him first before he can leave you. Make like it was your idea.
Bad Cosmo quiz! Bad!

But scary-good author.

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

Having two OTPs in your head at once is stressful!

And you're very kind.

[mrs-laugh-track.livejournal.com]

Wow. That is such a cool idea and you executed it brilliantly. 15-19 pts might just be the saddest thing ever. Don't listen to the quiz Ray!

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

Never, never listen to the quiz! The quiz is an evil quiz.

Thank you!

[kisiti.livejournal.com]

Cool, sharp, and bittersweet. Thank you.

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I suppose I had thought this would be quick, silly fun, but there's something kind of devastating about reducing that much longing and self-deception into a simple ranking, so I slid.

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

You win! You win, like, everything! Except the Mountie in the red suit, but it looks as though he's already taken.

(I especially liked the Frannie bits. And Thatcher.)

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

it looks as though he's already taken.

Only Victoria wins, in the end! It's a shame I don't have a voice for her. I only watched that episode once because I didn't like it very much.

Anyway: thank you! I'm glad you liked it.

[brigantine.livejournal.com]

That was fun! Poor 15-19 and 5-9, ohhh dear!

And Thatcher. And She Who Must Not Be Named. And our mystery date with the non-standard hair.

And after hours, he always seems to be out with that disreputable friend of his.

Hee!

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

She Who Must Not Be Named.

Hee yourself! *g*

[sprat.livejournal.com]

Oh, dude. This is brilliant! And SAD! And funny! *flails*

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

It struck me that this was potentially wankalicious from a meta perspective, especially if I couldn't pull off the voices enough to make it clear exactly what the advice is worth. But... you know... it was just one of those things.

Thank you!

[pearl-o.livejournal.com]

OH VECCHIO. OH FRANNIE.

♥ ♥ ♥

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

The image of Frannie crying over a Cosmo after losing the quiz is really sad to me! She's just a comic menace most of the time, but then you have those episodes like Dead Men Don't Throw Rice when you realize she really does have feelings for him, which is such a shame.

[slidellra.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is WONDERFUL. *adores*

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

Hey, thank you!

[meresy.livejournal.com]

This is so cool! It made me giggle! And then cry! (F/V: theirloveissodoomed, wah!)

And oh, Frannie


&hearts

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

(F/V: theirloveissodoomed, wah!)

I know, wah! I got some satisfaction out of blaming Ray's dad and resulting issues and negative mental voice and so on, here, though. Instead of them just... not caring enough to stay together, in the face of forces that may or may not have been trying to separate them -- after all we've seen of their friendship that doesn't sit well for me. Oh, I used to have the perfect angsty Vecchio icon for these moments, but I traded it out! Oh well.

<3

[etcetera-cat.livejournal.com]

This... may actually be the first time that I've read one of those Cosmo quix things the whole way through. Wow. You're really kind of awesome.

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

Heh, thanks! I wish I'd gotten more of that sugar-frosting tone in, but I was too distracted. The sugar crash is definitely there though!

[bluebrocade.livejournal.com]

6. What one word sums up this fic?

A Brilliant.
B Original.
C Awesome.
D Greatness.
E Llamas.

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

E Llamas EEEEEEEEEEEEE Lllllllllllllllllamas! Yay! I win!

[mergatrude.livejournal.com]

Oh Joanie! I heart you liek whoah! This is awesome, inspired, fabulous. Makes me very, very happy. Thank you!

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

Hi mergatrude! Hi! You liked it? That's good. I nearly didn't write it down, but I do so love the genre challenge.

[tanisafan.livejournal.com]

E assumes that a fire drill is in progress, causing you to panic and agree that it is, at which point he insists on carrying out every last procedure, which means you end up shivering for fifteen minutes on a filthy American sidewalk at midnight in only an overcoat and a silk slip while he climbs up the side of the building.

I could picture this vividly, and then died laughing. Very awesome.

I loved the results to bits, even if the Vecchio result made me want to snuggle him tightly. Because aw.

Very cool piece of work! *bows to you*

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

Haha, I was completely convinced of the fire drill thing! I could just see them sort of egging each other on to take it seriously, faces all stiff, Fraser getting earnest about it...

And yeah, poor Ray! Thanks!

[c-regalis.livejournal.com]

Eeeeeeeeeee! This is fabulous. You always do those things, like, really funny stuff, but it's not JUST funny. It's a bit true and a bit sad and really beautiful too.

Especially like, a woman.

and Why? Do you know something? I mean – not that I care, I don't care. Where did you see them? No reason, just, uh, it's my lunch break.

♥

Oh, and ... oh, don't cry. Please don't cry. You're not listening, are you? He just makes your heart beat faster, doesn't he? We know, honey. We know.

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

Why? Do you know something? I mean – not that I care, I don't care. Where did you see them? No reason, just, uh, it's my lunch break.

I couldn't get that one to work right! It was funny when I thought of it, like all the others are just responding but then he's asking questions, but there was too much stuff leading up, or something.

Poor Frannie! She really is kind of a tragic figure.

hi c! hi! hi! hihihi!

[hieronymousmosh.livejournal.com]

That was fabulous. And ouchy. But fabulous! &hearts

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

"Cosmo quizzes. Fun. Cute. And sick and sad! It's perfect!"

This came from comparing Frannie's corset attempt to RayK's credit card entrance and then realizing that most, if not all, of the major characters have burst into Fraser's bedroom at some point. After that, well, Science had to be brought to bear. (Hey, good icon choice!)

[belmanoir.livejournal.com]

noooooooooo! ray vecchio, he loves you!!!!

(but rayk making love to fraser and then dancing with him under the moonlight....rayk is just so...sweet and romantic, he tries to be tough but he is just so out there with himself and awwwwwwwww.........)

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

Aw, you slash both Rays like me! <3

[bluebelle789.livejournal.com]

Brilliantly done. :D Poor Frannie and Ray V! *hearts them*

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

Well, Ray gets a happy ending in the end, at least! But poor Frannie!

And thank you. :D

[ifreet.livejournal.com]

Brilliant! Funny! Slightly sad! *pets Vecchios*

[joandarck.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the Vecchios don't win the Cosmo game here, do they? That might have something to do with Cosmo being evil. Or is that me being evil. Hm. Anyway: thanks!