While You Were Out II

[helvirago]

I don't have very many original ideas, I'm afraid. So here's a complete rehash of my last story. 656 words. Man, bethbethbeth beat me to it! Plus totally showed me up in the formatting department. So a little last-minute editing...

To: Ray
M: Frase
Called
Re: Dief

Real sorry about Dief. How much $ to fix?
In mtgs w/ bulging ambssdr all day.

-Francesca
**************************************************************************************
To: Corporal Benton Fraser
M: Detective Raymond Vecchio (blond)
Called
Returned Your Call
Please Call
Re: Diefenbaker

Detective Vecchio wished me to forward the following two (2)
inquiries, firstly "Dief or carpet?" and second "Belgium or Bulgaria?"

He also wished to inform you that he will be away from his desk
a great deal due to some bucolic bulls (I may have misheard,
but was unable to question Det. Vecchio as he had already
disconnected).

-Corporal Renfield Turnbull
**************************************************************************************
From the desk of Detective Jack Huey
Vecchio,

Fraser called. He gets that you're upset and he's real sorry.
The wolf's real sorry too -- Fraser won't bring him to your place
anymore. He's off donuts.* He* wants you to reconsider, it
won't happen again.

-Jack
*The wolf *Fraser
**************************************************************************************
From the desk of Detective Jack Huey
Vecchio,

He said something about waffles, too.
Also, when you're back from HR the Lieu. wants you.
**************************************************************************************
To: Corporal Benton Fraser
M: Detective Raymond Vecchio (the same Detective Vecchio who called earlier today)
Called
Returned Your Call
Please Call
Re: Diefenbaker

Detective Vecchio was confused by your most recent phone message and would
like clarification as to "[w]hat ... [you were] talking about".

-Corporal Renfield Turnbull
**************************************************************************************
To: Ray
M: Frase
Called
Re: incident

Dief v. sorry. Frase v. sorry. No more pumpkn donuts. How much $?

-F.V.
**************************************************************************************
To: Cpl Fraser
M: Det. Vecchio
Re:

Forget carpet; mad not abt carpet but timing. What waffles? Get
a newspaper for the ambassador. There should be a place in
Evanston.

-Insp. MT
**************************************************************************************
Inspector Thatcher,

I'm afraid I don't understand the question about waffles. Also,
what sort of newspaper would the Ambassador like?

-Benton Fraser
**************************************************************************************
The Canadian Consulate
Consulat du Canada
BF-

Waffles --> detective.
Something from Belgium!

-MT
**************************************************************************************
To: Vecchio
M: Fraser
Re: Canadian food

The Corporal had a question about timing, and another about waffles.

Also, if you can tear the time away from the waffles, I need that form.

-Welsh
**************************************************************************************
To: Corporal Benton Fraser
M: s. Francesca Vecchio
Re: Detective Raymond Vecchio
Called

Ms. Vecchio relays that Detective Vecchio was confused by your most
recent message.

-Corporal Renfield Turnbull
**************************************************************************************
To: Ray Vecchio
M: Fraser
Re:
Returned Your Call

"What timing? What waffles?"

This isn't my job, Ray. Why don't we have voice mail?

-Elaine
**************************************************************************************
To: Corporal Benton Fraser
M: Detective Raymond Vecchio (as previously)
Re: Your call
Called
Returned Your Call
Please Call

Detective Vecchio called to reply to your most recent message.
He wished me to convey that you were the first to mention
waffles and that he is quite confused as to why you might
wish to discuss "breakfast pasties."

He also wished to clarify his most recent message in that (cont.)

-Corporal Renfield Turnbull
**************************************************************************************
To: Corporal Benton Fraser
M: Detective Raymond Vecchio (as above)
Called
Returned Your Call
Please Call
Re: (See above)

(Continued from previous message) he was under the impression
you had been intending to convey information about water rescue
techniques prior to the incident. (I offered to answer his questions,
but he seemed adamant about speaking with you. Please assure
the detective that I am well-trained in water safety.)

-Corporal Renfield Turnbull
**************************************************************************************
To: Ray
M: Guess
Re: water

F says: you were looking forward to lesson?

I thought you didn't like school. If it's something
I can help him with, let me know. And stop getting
me in trouble with Elaine for taking a small break, okay?

-Francesca
**************************************************************************************
To: F
M: Vecchio
Re:

"Very much so, yes."
Don't let Turnbull talk to ambassador!!!

-Insp. MT
**************************************************************************************
To: Vecchio
M: Canada
Re:
Many rescue methods to demon. Tonite conven.?
(Vecchio, have you considered getting a life? Seriously.)

-Dewey
**************************************************************************************
To: Corporal Benton Fraser
M: Vec'eau
Re:

Il a dit: "Leave deef home."

Comments

[beledibabe.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about the formatting. This is a hoot!

::sniggering::

[helvirago]

Thank you!

I love it when I make people snigger!

[cesperanza.livejournal.com]

I laughed my ass off!! (And yet! Still I have ass--miraculous!) Seriously, I love this story, this is exactly the kind of story that I print out and clutch to my bosom. Just hilarious--"What waffles?" And having the Belgian in the act at the end is PRICELESS.

[helvirago]

The ass is one of the mysteries of the universe, I find.

So glad. I totally wanted to drag out the which ambassador? thing, but I couldn't think of any others! Thaaaank you.

[akite.livejournal.com]

What a hoot! I was hoping someone would do one like this. (there goes my idea) ;) No worries though, I'm bound to think of something. Loved this.

[helvirago]

Yeah, I figured I'd better commit this to screen before somebody else got to it! Thank you.

[lamardeuse.livejournal.com]

(Continued from previous message) he was under the impression you had been intending to convey information about water rescue techniques prior to the incident. (I offered to answer his questions, but he seemed adamant about speaking with you. Please assure the detective that I am well-trained in water safety.)

Oh...my...GAWD!

I absolutely loved this. Loved the broken telephone messages and the clandestine references to the buddy breathing. Loved that the dog barfed on the carpet just as they were about to get down to it! Loved it ALL! (can you tell?)

[helvirago]

Heh. Poor Dief. Thank you so much -- I'm shameless in the face of exclamation points!

[theodosia.livejournal.com]

Huzzahs! (Even if you watched HCL w/o me. :-))

[helvirago]

Okay, I suck, but you have my tapes! Trust me, it's not like I'll stay away forever! Plus, now I have the tribute album!

Merci!

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Oh, mon dieu!
I was enjoying the hell out of this but the last message did me in completely. I started sniggering and could not stop for many minutes, until I gave myself the hiccups.

Or, as a late message by Turnbull might have the above,
"Montezuma was enjoying Helvirago's massage, until the Snickers gave out, not to mention the Headstones."

[helvirago]

Poor Turnbull. I'm thinking about sending him to get his ears cleaned, but I'm afraid of a Sentinel-like situation.

Thank you!

[doll-revolution.livejournal.com]

this was great!! and i know many people liked the ambassador, but THIS was my fave part: (Vecchio, have you considered getting a life? Seriously.)
-Dewey

^___^

[helvirago]

Hey, I was pretty pleased with that myself! Because "many more lessons" might sound vaguely suggestive to some people, but not to Dewey, bless him!

Look! I got a smiley thing! Rock!

[bethbethbeth.livejournal.com]

Derivative, my foot! This is great ("...bulging ambassdr," indeed. *g*)

Also?

This isn't my job, Ray. Why don't we have voice mail?

Hee. I'll bet Elaine's not the only one asking that question. *g*

[helvirago]

Yeah, and it always sounds so silly when I answer with "because it's not such a good plot device." Really wanted to use some Francescaisms, but realized they're not as easy as I thought to conjure up!

Very glad you liked it.

[marycrawford.livejournal.com]

Il a dit: "Leave deef home."

Ha! Perfect! Also love Turnbull's little snit about his 'water safety' qualifications. If only, Turnbull dear.

I've just started reading this group, and begorrah, doesn't anybody here write any bad stories? The Law of Averages is v. upset with you, people.

I, on the other hand, am delighted.

[helvirago]

No kidding. I bet Turnbull'd be willing to demonstrate any kind of water safety Ray's interested in, but I'm rather afraid he'd do it too enthusiastically.

It is a great thing, huh? Ces is a genius. Thank you!

[ardent-muses.livejournal.com]

This is very funny and charming. I love Elaine, and I'm always glad to see her. :) It was fun to see how this developed.

[helvirago]

Elaine's so funny, because she played almost exactly the same role as Frannie (civilian aide with the hots for Fraser) in completely different way. I was glad to get her in there too. Thanks!

[the-star-fish.livejournal.com]

To: Hel
From: Starfish
Re: Story

Bwahahahaha! Bulging ammbassdr! Waffles!

::giggles uncontrollably::

[helvirago]

Hehehee...

I'm sorry, if those goggles are uncomfortable you should take them off!

I like the laughing. You make me feel funny! Um, in the "amusing clown" way, not the... never mind. Thank you!

So. Much. Fun.

[kormantic.livejournal.com]

Completley groovy; farce-tastic!

Re: So. Much. Fun.

[helvirago]

Well thank you! I think. Yes. Athough suddenly I feel the urge to look around for Adam Sandler... back in the cage! Wait, he's not farce, is he? I am, however, a huge fan of farce. Also of grooves. Thank you!