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Fraser/Kowalski, 800 words, PG-13
A million thanks to

mergatrude for beta and cooking suggestions.

The Unofficial RCMP/CPD International Co-operation and Liaising Recipe Book

Kowalski Flambé

Description:
This spicy flambé may scare your less adventurous guests. It's an acquired taste, but worth persevering with -- under the Kowalski's dancing flames and tart retorts lie a subtle sweetness and poignancy that will haunt you for days.

Ingredients:
- 1 Kowalski, marinated
- hope
- bunch loosely chopped communication
- 3/4 cup wholegrain frustration
- 1 insult, seasoned to taste
- 1 retraction, finely chopped

Method:
1. Remove the Kowalski from the marinade and sauté over a low heat until it starts to sweat.
2. Add hot water, and stir.
3. Sprinkle with approx. half the hope, and stir.
4. Simmer for 3-4 weeks.
5. Gradually add the frustration, a few tablespoons at a time.
6. When the sauce has thickened, drop the insult into the brew.
7. Sprinkle with the chopped retraction. Although barely recognisable, this will subtly bring out the other flavours.
8. Remove from heat and stand in a cool dark place.
9. Crush the rest of the hope, and drizzle the juice onto the Kowalski.
10. Use the hope husks as a garnish.
11. Light with a match, and serve.

Serves: No one

The Whole Benton Fraser Enchilada

Description:
Although starchy, this dish is a dazzler and will make you the envy of your friends. Perfect for lonesome wallowing or formal occasions. Don't forget to add the underlying subtext at the end -- otherwise the "bitter pill to swallow" may be your own.

Ingredients:
- 1 prickly Fraser, still in its shell
- 2 phonecalls
- 3 oz packet of wholegrain misinterpretation
- 2-3 posthumous parental adages
- 1 temper, frayed
- essence of past mistakes to taste
- 1 cup Earl Grey tea, black and unsweetened

Method:
1. Using pliers, a crowbar or a blunt-headed axe, remove the Fraser from its shell. This is the tricky part.
2. Wash the shell and put it aside for later.
3. In a bowl, prepare the filling: peel the underlying subtext from the phonecalls and set aside for later.
4. Mix phonecalls and misinterpretation until they are blended into a paste.
5. Coarsely chop the adages and the temper, then add the PM essence.
6. Arrange all the ingredients except the underlying subtext inside the Fraser shell, and leave to stand for at least 4 hours.
7. Infuse tea with underlying subtext and pour over the enchilada, taking care not to spill any.
8. Serve cold.

Serves: The Queen, the Dominion of Canada, and the city of Chicago

Stuffed Fraser with a Frustration-Glazed Kowalski

Description:
Forget your diet -- this is a blowout! Dramatic, intense flavors vie for dominance in a delicious jumble of wild confusion and umbrage, but it's the reconciliation that leaves you with that sweet cinnamon-y after-taste. Not for novices, this dish is complicated and demanding but well worth the effort.

Ingredients:
- 1 Kowalski, unshaven and lightly toasted
- dried hope, unsweetened
- 1 Fraser stuffed with duty and false pride
- 1 cup polite sulking, strained
- 4 oz mild accusations
- 3-4 drops sarcasm
- salt
- 5 oz frustration
- 1 ripe umbrage
- 1 bunch wild confusion
- 2 moments of realization
- a generous handful of reconciliation
- cream

Method:
1. Score the Kowalski's flesh and rub the dried hope into the incisions.
2. Use a meat tenderizer to soften the Fraser. This will start to break down the starchy stuffing.
3. Skim the politeness off the sulking and discard. Then warm the sulking over a low heat until it's steaming slightly. Be careful not to let it boil or it will curdle.
4. Braise the Fraser in the sulking for 20 minutes. Add half the mild accusations and remove from heat. Leave to chill.
5. Combine the rest of the accusations with the sarcasm, and coat the Kowalski with the mixture.
6. Rub salt into the Kowalski's incisions.
7. Lightly steam the frustration until it becomes translucent. Wrap the Kowalski in the frustration.
8. Grind the umbrage. Tear the confusion roughly into pieces, and roll it in the umbrage. Remove the Fraser's stuffing and replace with confusion. Discard the stuffing.
9. Ensure the cooking area has plenty of ventilation, then squeeze the juice of one moment of realization over the Fraser, then the juice of the other over the Kowalski. Allow them both a moment to breathe.
10. Peel the frustration from the Kowalski, and place in dish next to the Fraser. Bake for 40 minutes.
11. Remove from oven and crumble soft handfuls of reconciliation over both of them.
12. Cream the Kowalski's pants, and serve.

Serves: 2

Canadian Self-Saucing Pudding with Polish-American Chocolate Kisses

Description:
This simple late-night indulgence is everything you've dreamed of: hot, rich, gooey and sweet. Eat it sensuously with your fingers or better yet, share it with a special friend.

Ingredients:
- 1 Fraser, unshelled
- 1 Kowalski, softened
- pinch of relief
- 2 drops pure love
- 2 cups sexual energy
- 1 gallon appreciation
- 1 murmured endearment
- 3 cloves laughter, peeled
- 1 happy ending

Method:
1. Place the relief, the love and the sexual energy into a large bowl and combine thoroughly.
2. Whisk in the appreciation.
3. Bring to the boil and allow to simmer for 10 minutes.
4. Break the endearment in half, and add one half -- save the other half for your next batch.
5. Gently place the Fraser and the Kowalski in the liquid.
6. Add the laughter.
7. Garnish with the happy ending, and serve at intervals throughout the night.

Serves: Each other