TEAM REALITY: Day 13, "Five Times Ray Kowalski Was Ashamed of His Dick and One Time He Wasn't"

[sage]

Title: Five Times Ray Kowalski Was Ashamed of His Dick and One Time He Wasn't
Author: j_s_cavalcante
Team: Reality
Prompt: I never said they were poisonous.
Pairing(s): Fraser/Kowalski, (Kowalski/Stella)
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 22,600 words
Warnings: Some brief scenes concern issues of teen sexuality and development (ages 14-17), frankly depicted.
Author's Notes: Reality, comin' atcha. A number of real-life incidents are woven into this story. I'm not telling exactly where. :)
Many thanks to my brilliant, stalwart, and ever-encouraging friend (and Team Reality Captain), nos4a2no9. I am grateful for her savvy insta-beta of this story. But she did more than beta this project. She husbanded it. For nearly two years, she has aided and abetted my probably unhealthy fascination with RayK's generous male endowments and my exploration of same in both fiction and art.  I therefore dedicate this piece to her.  Nos? This (big) one's for you. ;)
Summary: Uncovering the root of Ray Kowalski's self-esteem issues. ;)

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Five Times Ray Kowalski Was Ashamed of His Dick and One Time He Wasn't by J S Cavalcante

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Comments

[etcetera-cat.livejournal.com]

BOYS!

*flaily*

Oh, Ray-- (can't give coherant feedback, brain asploded)

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I enjoy making you splodey. :)

[jule1122.livejournal.com]

I have a huge weakness for 5 times stories, but most are fairly short. This was wonderfully long and full of detail. Poor Ray, he just breaks your heart sometimes. But then he finally opens up to Fraser who accepts and loves him as is, understanding of course, who ray is. What a revelation for Ray. So beautiful to see, and the sex was so hot.

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for the lovely comments. Yeah, I started out with the thought that the "5 times" structure would force me to keep the story on the shorter side for once. As it turned out? Not so much. :) I'm so glad you liked it, though!

[http://users.livejournal.com/idlewild_/]

"Fraser's kisses were like nothing Ray had ever felt. Fraser pressed kisses hard into Ray's skin, as though he wanted to leave their imprint on Ray, as though he wanted to breathe them into Ray, much deeper than his skin.

With Fraser, nothing was about surface appearances. Everything was about diving in, immersing himself. Practically drowning."

Oh, lovely. Not that the rest of the story wasn't excellent, but I love this paragraph.

I really, really liked the appalling brutality and stupidity of high school boys, and particularly, Ray's dawning realization that they're assholes, and furthermore that he doesn't actually have to stay friends with them. Caspy is an excellent original character. Finely drawn. And I love that Fraser can't say 'fuck' until he just can't not. Both hot and beautiful and well characterized.

Poor Ray, though... you really just have to embrace being a freak, there's no way to get around it!

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

Yay! Thank you for such lovely feedback. You pulled out some of my favorite lines, and I am so psyched that you liked Caspy! I agree 110%--embrace your inner freak. :)

[zabira.livejournal.com]

awwww, this just made me feel so protective towards ray! *hugs him*

and i absolutely adored casper, and their entire interaction. and you drew stella well, so pragmatic and smart and loving. and i LOVED the little detail about ray's mom's ironing. gah. that's SO true.

also? HEEEEEEEEE. this is SO fraser:

Ray closed his eyes, shook his head to clear it, opened them again. Maybe he had water in his ears. Fraser was standing there, hard as a rock, in a shower with Ray and his freak dick, also hard as a rock, discussing penis size.

i can SEE him doing that, just being: la la la, "well ray, anthropological studies have found..." WHILE NAKED IN THE SHOWER. *g*

oh, and this too is SO awesomely fraser:

With Fraser, nothing was about surface appearances. Everything was about diving in, immersing himself. Practically drowning.

and AWWW, AW, AW:

But Fraser was saying, "It's all right, Ray. It's safe. Let go,"

and then: OMG laksdflasjdlfkjasldfjalskdjflakdjflkasdflasdf ze HOTNESS!

*dies in a shower of (happy) sparks*

ALSO?: go, ray! for making the mountie swear. *high fives him*

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

HEE! I LIVE to make you smash the keys, Cousin Z!!! Thank you for all these delightful comments; they mean so much to me. I'm glad Fraser and Stella and especially Caspy worked for you. Thank you so much for leaving these lovely comments so early on--they were appreciated more than I can convey. {{{Z}}}

[simplystars.livejournal.com]

Oh, author. Author, author, author. I do not know who you are, but I love you. &hearts

This is such a beautiful story, and I shouldn't have read it because it is so long and I'm supposed to be packing (not to mistake: LONG is GOOD - hear that, Ray? *g* but packing is not) and I just finished and I don't have the time to detail everything I love about this story at this particular juncture.

But this is marvelous, and it can be so nerve-wracking waiting for comments to come in, so I wanted you to have one complete with YAY!PORN! arms: \o/\porn!/\o/

This has to become RayK backstory fanon. It is so lovingly crafted but doesn't flinch from awkwardness - in youth, and adolescence, and in loving the wrong person, and in loving the right person. But all the peek-through-fingers moments of the story just made the happy ending that much more welcome and joyous and just the epitome of loving.

So I *will* be back with more of What I Loved About Your Masterpiece! In the meantime, OMG thank you for the happy daydreamings I will take with me on a long boring hotel-conference weekend. :)

[simplystars.livejournal.com]

Still speechless (mostly I blame my brain and being very tired atm). But oh, JS. How I loved this. &hearts And I *will* be able to tell you more precisely why. Soon!

[meresy.livejournal.com]

*flaily flail flail*

I love this with much love. Jusy, oh Ray. It was so poignant and occasionally funny and hit my embarrassment squick sometimes and oh, Ray. *smooshes him*

*loooooooves*

&hearts &hearts ♥

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

Hee, Cousin Meres! So sorry about the embarrassment squick. Glad you enjoyed it anyway. I think to write effectively you have to make the viewpoint character uncomfortable in some way, but it's never my intention to make readers uncomfortable. Of course, there's no way to know ahead of time what will squick whom. I like those moments when characters are confronted with tough or embarrassing issues. That keeps me reading. So...I'm glad you kept reading. And thank you for the flaily comments! \o/

And I was highly, highly amused that you identified me from the title and the length of the story alone. Yeah, I kind of predicted that. A 22,600+ word story ALL ABOUT Ray's enormous cock--I wonder who could have written that, hm???? Yeah. *facepalms*

[keerawa.livejournal.com]

Oh, RAY! So scared, and so brave. I had to stop reading and walk around the room in a fit of sympathetic embarrasment when he came from a towel flick. Eeep. I'm so glad I don't have to deal with external sexual organs, of normal or freakish proportions. I was proud of him for throwing in with Caspy. (Yep, Ray's got a thing for the smart ones, alright.) Poor Ray, being so damn careful with Stella all those years. And, damn, you write a hot sex scene!

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

Thank you, K! I'm sorry about the sympathetic embarrassment. Ray gives us quite a few such moments in DS, though, doesn't he? Poor guy. :)

I'm delighted that you enjoyed the story anyway, and that it made you happy to be a girl. :) That wasn't the intention, but it's always good to be glad to be where you are. :)

Thanks for the lovely comments. \o/

[akite.livejournal.com]

Wow! That was amazing. I have a real kink for stories where one of the pairing is, uh, well endowed, shall we say? This one was no exception. Also, the Fraser/Ray sex part was way hot. *fans self*

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

Hee--thanks. I think Hyper!Endowed!Fraser would be too much of a good thing, actually. He's already Superman in a red tunic, you know? And it wouldn't mean anything to him one way or the other. Hyper!Endowed!Ray, though...you just know he'd be ashamed of it, no matter what. Oh, Ray.

I was THRILLED to receive the extinct stick-people icon for this! It feels like an award. :)

I'm delighted you liked the story; thank you so much!

[brigantine.livejournal.com]

Oh God, I'm so shallow - this was great, Ray bravely and determinedly navigating his way through the minefield of highschool, not just being a bit queer, but being physically, er, noticeable, as well - and trying to be a good guy at the same time, which, how easy is that in high school, even at the best of times?

And yet, what's my favorite bit? The part where Ray's trying to get Fraser to hurry the hell up and get into the shower, because the mysterious green stuff might be "corroding something" even as they speak. And he keeps Lava soap in the shower for when Fraser throws him in gross stuff. OMG, so adorkable!

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

If you're shallow for reading it, I guess I'm at the micron level for writing it. Heh. LOVE YOUR ICON. HEE!!!

Thank you so much for the great comments. Lava Soap is itself green, by the way. I forgot to mention that. I have some around here for removing paint and art messes, so it was inspiring. :) Poor Ray. He takes it on the chin (and everywhere else) for Fraser, all the time. It's love. :)

[suchthefangirl.livejournal.com]

I love long stories. Especially when they are very well written. And this one was very. Both.

And I loved it oh so very much.

Ray's back story was so believable and so bittersweet and just fits. And Fraser, when he arrives, is so very perfectly him as well.

I just didn't want it to end. Not because it needed more, but because I wanted to see Ray being happy after the awkwardness of his childhood, and because they both deserve it so very much.

I could go on, but it would just be all gushing with no content...

Wow, Day 13 was a really great day. Thank you for such a great story. I know I will read this one again and again.

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, dear. I am sorry I didn't get back to you sooner on this. I had to wait till after the reveal, and by then we were in the full swing of the semester and I was freaking out.

I'm not really back, just trying to carve a few minutes out on a Friday night to clear up some old business, the most important part of which is to thank you so much for your lovely comments.

I want and need to see Ray happy, too. :) And his childhood has to have been awkward, don't you think? And thank you...if you don't want it to end, then I've done my job. :)

[vsee.livejournal.com]

There is so much I love about this story, and I am probably going to need to reread it a dozen times to enjoy it all adequately. Funny, poignant, sexy. The conceit of Ray's outward "queerness" worked very well as part of the emotional context. Delightful. What a treat this story is. *twirls our lovely anonymous author*

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, V! I'm thrilled that you enjoyed the story. You know this subject of Ray's multifaceted freakishness is close to my heart. I'm so glad it worked for you. \o/

[mizface.livejournal.com]

I so so so loved this. Especially Ray realizing he could think back and re-categorize his memories. And well, basically the whole this was amazing.

Yay you!!!

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

Yay! I appreciate your comments so much. I'm delighted that you enjoyed it. You know the saying "It's never too late to have a happy childhood"? I think Ray would go for that. :)

[leafy22.livejournal.com]

Oh, the awkwardness of Young!Ray makes me feel so protective of him and sad - but it makes his contentment and hopefulness with Fraser at the end of the story all the sweeter. ♥

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

Yes, it's kind of the point of angst, right? The worse the pain, the better the relief. Thank you so much. I'm delighted that you enjoyed this story. \o/

[leyna55.livejournal.com]

Awwww, Ray. Wonderful character voice! Sweet, funny, awkward, vulnerable, and so needing a hug. (Glad that Fraser is there to do the hugging instead!). I liked how the concept of hiding his "freakishness" and queerness lead to his skills as an undercover cop.

Ray wasn't exactly Captain Attention Span *snerk* So true!

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

Hee! Thank you! I appreciate your comments so much. I'm sorry I'm so late in getting to the rest of these. Art school owns my brain. But I didn't forget you, and I am, and was, so grateful that you commented back in the anonymous phase. It meant a lot to me. :)

[veronamay.livejournal.com]

This! This is fantastic! Poor Ray and his freak dick, and poor Stella, and thank God for Fraser, seriously. This whole fic just makes me all warm and fuzzy and I may be grinning like an idiot right now. Awesome.

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

Yay! So happy to make you grin. Hope to do it again some time with another story. Thank you for letting me know! \o/

[the_antichris.livejournal.com]

Oh, RAY! This was fantastic and awkward and, well, REAL.

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Chris! I appreciate your comment so much. I'm thrilled that you liked it and especially that you found it Real!!! \o/ Thank you so much.

[petronelle.livejournal.com]

I adored this. I have a heck of a weakness for coming-of-age stories, complete with struggling and immaturity, and you made it all make beautiful sense.

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. I guess I like coming-of-age stories, too...and I didn't realize it before. Anyway, I've wanted to tell this one for a long time, and this challenge was the perfect opportunity. I'm so glad you liked it, and I appreciate you so much for letting me know.

[spuffyduds.livejournal.com]

So, yeah, I know this has a lot of serious stuff in it about growing up and figuring out who you are and finding the people who will help you be more-than-okay with who you are.

But can I just take a minute for fangirl squee that there is a marvelous epic story ENTIRELY ABOUT RAY'S GIANT DICK?!? *SQUUUEEEEEEE!!!!!*

Ahem. So, so good. The high-school viciousness was so well drawn--it doesn't even MATTER what's wrong with you, or what's RIGHT with you, they can always find SOMETHING to target, can't they? Yay, mystery author!

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Spuffy!

But can I just take a minute for fangirl squee that there is a marvelous epic story ENTIRELY ABOUT RAY'S GIANT DICK?!? *SQUUUEEEEEEE!!!!!*

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I can't tell you how *I* squealed when I saw that comment, because it was the best thing ever. Obviously, I agree with you that it was one of the unplumbed depths of F/K fic. Emphasis on "depths," probably. :)

And, haha, "Mystery Author." Riiiight.

I was laughing at myself quite a lot for doing this, because, really, 21,600 words all about Ray's enormous cock? Who else would even do that? I knew I was hardly incognito, but the team said to go for it, so...what the heck. :)

I loved your comment so, so much. Thank you!

[luzula]

Oh, Ray. &hearts

Great story. It makes a convincing case that "adolescence = hell". Or maybe it's "other adolescents in groups = hell". The part in the locker room was kind of hard to read. Poor Ray.

I don't entirely believe Fraser about him never having given a blowjob. Or, well, he's not lying, of course, but I think that after discreetly checking out Ray's dick (god, I love him doing that), he practised a lot with a suitable object.

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

Yeah, sorry about the locker room. It's just...I was trying not to back down from the emotional realism, there. :)

About Fraser, hee! Practicing! The image that conjures up! (Remember him with the lightbulb in his mouth? Sheesh, you know what that means? It means I have a photo reference. *cough*)

But then again, Fraser's good at all sorts of things he has never actually done, remember? It's canonical reality, if not that believable vis a vis real life. :)

Thank you so much for the lovely and, er, thought-provoking comment. :)

[chalcopyrite.livejournal.com]

You did almost *too* good a job on the cruelty of the other kids. ::shudders:: Little horrors. I'm afraid I had to skip some bits, but this was a really good story. I thought you used the five-things theme really well to string it all together, and nice how you came back to the beginning at the end of it. Great look at things that made Ray Ray.

Also, catalysis being provided by a vat of possibly corrosive, decaying chlorophyll in a vitamin warehouse? Made me smile.

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear you had to skip some parts. I'd be interested to know which ones. As I said to meresy above, one person's squick is another's kink, or at least another's interesting moment.

The mysterious green stuff was based in part on green-swamp-juice vitamin stuff that I drink, which does not in fact smell bad but looks pretty atrocious, and which is indeed staining and is full of chlorophyll, etc. A green food thing! :) That incident came about because of my prompt: "I never said they were poisonous."

Thank you for the thoughtful comments! \o/

[leonandra.livejournal.com]

I just want to hug little Ray in all his war paint and pet him and make it all better.
I'm glad that he stuck with Caspy and realized the others were not really his friends.
Poor Stella but yay for Fraser who just takes Ray in his own freaky way so they can be freaks together.

I liked this story very much and the sex was scorching hot.

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, Leo! I'm so glad you enjoyed this story. \o/ Thanks for telling me specifically what you liked. I appreciate that so much.

[springwoof.livejournal.com]

oh, Ray! I really liked scene with poor little "Cowboys & Indians" Ray trying so hard to be the best Indian he can be and trying to be authentic in the role. I also liked when he befriended Caspy, you showed us how brave we know Ray can be...

This was a very appealing and ultimately sweet story.

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I have a deep connection to that Cowboys & Indians story, and I am so happy that it spoke to readers. So glad that it worked for you. Thank you very much for letting me know. \o/

[kyriacarlisle.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad nobody ever has to be a teenager twice.

I think Ray looked down at himself like Adam in the Bible and realized he was naked may be my favorite line - I can imagine his mother reading to him from one of those big illustrated versions, and it feels so accurately childlike that he would remember the story and apply it to himself, and then the way the image sticks with him all the way to 1999 - albeit in the New Revised Swearing Version - is really pretty interesting: nice evidence that yes, This Ray grew out of That One (which, oh dear, given the subject matter looks more salacious than I meant it to).

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad nobody ever has to be a teenager twice.

Oh, God, me, too. *shudders*

nice evidence that yes, This Ray grew out of That One (which, oh dear, given the subject matter looks more salacious than I meant it to).

HEE!!!! Yup, it sure did. :)

Thank you so much for the lovely (and humorous) comment! \o/

[umbrella-half.livejournal.com]

RAY!

My love for him just increased, if such a thing is possible. Which I doubt.

Ach! This is brilliant. I love the scenes as teenages, because they're so real - terribly awkward and sometimes sweet but mostly awful and embarrassing, and I love Fraser and Ray just working together - I think 'Because they understood each other without having to explain much of anything' is my favourite line.

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

RAY!

My love for him just increased, if such a thing is possible. Which I doubt.

Thank you so much for saying that! Because that is just about my favorite comment to read and my favorite to write, as well. If my story made you love Ray more then it is a success. \o/

Ach! This is brilliant. I love the scenes as teenages, because they're so real - terribly awkward and sometimes sweet but mostly awful and embarrassing,

I know! Even before that stage, even in middle school. My kids are going through the beginnings of that crap, and my heart aches for them.

and I love Fraser and Ray just working together - I think 'Because they understood each other without having to explain much of anything' is my favourite line.

Aw, thank you. It's a guy thing, I think, right? There is great relief in not having to explain...not the same attitude toward explanations that women generally have, right? :)

Thank you so much for this comment, which made my week! I want every reader to come away loving RayK at least a little bit more. \o/

[aberforthsgoat.livejournal.com]

That was awesome.

[j-s-cavalcante.livejournal.com]

\o/ Thank you so much! I'm delighted you enjoyed it.